It's been a rough go at work this school year. Before Mom got sick so suddenly I was ready to take my program to the next level. With having attended that 5 day conference in Salt Lake City, it lit a fire in me. I had plans, I was ready to conquer! And be more accessible with my large number of instructors.
But death came and took it all away.
Now I am anti social, still give 100% in my teaching and lesson plans. But most of my program coordinator responsibilities are on hold. I am involved in a few small work related projects so I'm not slacking off. But the truth of the matter is, I am bereft and will be for a while. And teaching primarily right now is about all that I can handle. I'm fortunate my boss is the BEST! A week ago before Thanksgiving I tried to reassure her that spring semester I'd be better [at my job] but she shook her head no. Said it will be a long time before I'm okay. She's right.
Still I struggle with feeling guilty for not doing a "better" job. But there's no reason for me to feel this way. I'm well within norms to not be who I was before my Mom died. I continue to work on this, why my faulty thinking won't allow me to cut myself a break?
Nonetheless I'm very proud of myself for working my way up and being driven and dedicated to my career. I know my Mom was too! The Saturday afternoon she was in the ER with my uncle D... she met a technician there. So two nights later Monday when I called 911, and we were in the ER, the same technician was there again. My Mom wasn't in her right mind when he came in but he remembered her. Then asked me if I was J...? a college professor? etc etc... he told me how proud my Mom was of me and talked up a storm about me <3
Maybe if I try to remind myself, a year from now it will all be different. Perhaps that will alleviate some of my self criticism? Only time will tell.
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