A lot of 'splainin to do'

I haven't posted in a while partly because I was hiding from one of my exes who I know follows along. When things were at the worst 2 years ago I contemplated on making this private but I didn't as this blog was never really about him but me. Recently I decided I might as well blog because he will always follow me. How can he not? Human curiosity is a hard thing to suppress. And we were a part of one another lives for about 8 years. Just seems for some reason when we're together we're a toxic combination. Our ideologies were just too vast. However I think our feelings were real and in some ways we did have fun. It just sucks no matter how much you care or love someone else, you can't make a healthy relationship when your point of views were usually at opposing ends. Over the years some of those views have since changed but its too late on both our parts. Its weird having 2 very long term exes out and about in the world.
The other one just had his 6th kid! I must say it is kind of a slap in the face as partly why he broke up with me is he didn't want to get married or have kids. Then he knocks up the very next attentive whore shortly after they started to date and eventually married her and she gave birth to her kid about the same time I am having endometriosis laparoscopy to remove some cysts and severe adhesion disease. Its been a week and a half and the recovery at times brutal! I was very distressed to learn that I have severe endometriosis and I am NOT interested in hormone therapy/medications as a way to control the pain associated with this. But that's a post for another day, back to the issue of kids....
I knew I never wanted kids with the 2nd long term ex simply because he wouldn't be a good father and frankly that's okay.
When people ask me if I wanted children or not my answer has always been the same, it really depended on who I was with. I can go either way, be a mom or not. I don't have a pressing burning desire to have kids but I know I would've loved being a mom too. I just also knew if I had kids, I needed to be able to afford them and even now I can't. And to those out there who say, have the kids, the money will turn up are complete and irresponsible assholes who create more taxes for me! Plus I was very disciplined when it came to my relationships and birth control of some kind. I never wanted to get accidentally knocked up no siree! Now that I know I am not going to have kids its sucks knowing the choice has been taken away from me because even if I wanted them, it would be nearly impossible to have them at this point. Not having the choice sent me into a little woe is me mode near the end of last week. Its one thing when I actively made sure I didn't have kids but having been informed it would be impossible to have kids now (the odds were already extremely low) still sort of smarts along with the ex having his 6th kid around the same time as my surgery, sucky timing. In the long run, I am happy for him, he is with a woman who follows him blindly and clearly enjoys being bare footed and preggars. Me I am with someone who already has kids and I just met his 18 year old son recently and it was mind blowing experience for me. Knowing my boyfriend since he was younger than his son and now seeing him in a father role just wow!
And I try to remember that I have been blessed to grow up knowing I had a choice on whether to have kids or not. I had several role models who didn't have kids, my deaf aunt Lee, my neighbor Regina, and even one of my uncle, the one who doesn't like me doesn't have kids. I know people can be happy and content without children as long as you have family and friends.

Pushing forward

It seems lately I can't catch a break when it comes to my body. Several colds, having a period, raging headaches with nausea, the dry heaters aggravate my sinuses, along with insomnia and now my fibro pain is acting up. All the while I'm doing my best to honor my commitments, work, the book, relationships and so forth. But it's hard, especially since I've been feeling sick or uncomfortable for weeks. Even King noticed I wasn't in good shape health wise when she saw me yesterday at the Harlem library. So for now I'm on lockdown to focus on getting well and staying well.