Sunday, August 18, 2019

i Carry Your Heart With Me

[i Carry Your Heart With Me(i Carry It In]

By E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Mom. She adored poetry, how I wish she were here to tell me what she thought of e.e. cummings and his style of prose?

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

My Mourning Will Never End

Since my Mom died, I hardly cry unless it's related to her. Since my breakup,  I think I cried briefly once or twice and it wasn't a really deep cry or depth of despair kind of crying.

But tonight I miss my Mom something awful! Cried so hard my eyes burn!
I don't care, my Mom, I will NEVER stop missing her!

In other news, my daily dedication to walk 4-6 miles has paid off well! I am pleased. And I have a great time playing at several Deaf poker events the last few weeks. I came in 3rd last Saturday night W00t! That made me happy.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Life's Cruelest Irony

Sad but true

It’s strange. I felt less lonely when I didn’t know you. —Jean-Paul Sartre

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. ―Anaïs Nin

Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony. ― Douglas Coupland

I miss being in a relationship way more than I miss my ex. I miss having someone who in many ways serves as a best friend, family, lover etc etc. I miss the affection, the sex, being able to express my love for that special someone. Or to kvetch to, relate to, share my life with, my dreams and ambition and goals.
I miss love and that's probably why it's hard for me to let go when I'm in a relationship. The fear of being lonely or alone has haunted me all my life. Partly due to the way I grew up being bullied and tormented. I used to think it was because I am Deaf but in reality it was due to my ADD and sensitivity. Somehow my mind still struggles to acknowledge that that is an old fear and certainly isn't true anymore. I'm not alone, I'm hardly ever alone. There are so many people who if I made more time for would be more active in my life on a regular basis. And the ones I see regularly keep in touch a lot as it is. I feel overwhelmed sometimes by people in general.

This summer one of my goals is to work on letting go of old, useless train of thoughts and replace them with more realistic, up to date facts. Easier said than done. Nonetheless I am determined!

In other news, this cutie I met back in early February who made it clear from the moment I met him, that he digs me a lot. I was of course flattered, he's hot but 29! I admired the fact that he works full-time and is still going to school. Moved here from Columbia. So he's fluent in Spanish, English and ASL. Now that I'm single again, I sent him a FB friend request as we had originally exchanged text numbers. However I thought better to contact him through FB, more neutral than text. I am not looking for anything serious, a little fun over the summer be nice. After all I'm single not a saint!  😁😘😎

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Grey's Anatomy

Wow! Just wow with the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy. Been a long time fan!

Earlier tonight my uncle treated my grandmother, me and his family to the Olive Garden. It was a nice dinner. My nephews are really nice guys. I'm looking forward to getting to know them more over the summer!

On the flip side. Mother's day has arrived and it mostly serves as a painful reminder of my Mom not being here. I do ANYTHING to be with her again. I miss her so much! I have cried some today because of that, compounded with not feeling well and I am still in small ways processing the breakup. Not a whole lot but here and there. I see it more like a chapter that I am ready to move on from!

It's nice having lost 15 lbs over the last few months, been getting a lot of compliments and of course NYC men, they are blatant in how they check you out etc which is always a nice ego boost 😊😎 nonetheless I find myself guilty when I do not meet my daily fitness goals. I never take a day off unless I'm really sick or unwell with my usual maladies etc., etc... It works better if I just do it every day, commit 100%. But the days I don't meet my goals bothers me. It's a struggle to find a happy medium.

Friday, May 10, 2019

Jeopardy's Final Answer

The rain to the wind said, ‘You push and I’ll pelt.’ They so smote the garden bed that the flowers actually knelt, and lay lodged–though not dead. I know how the flowers felt. -Robert Frost

I knew my Mom would be so pleased that I knew the Final Answer on Jeopardy earlier this week which was "Who was Frost?"

I love quotes and poetry as they have a wonderful quality to pinpoint and relate to with whatever you're going through. Words add eloquence to the shared human experiences. 

Found some tonight about how I'm feeling at this time.

You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. – Elizabeth Taylor

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. -Salvador Dali

I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it. -Sylvia Plath

Tuesday, May 07, 2019

Forging Ahead

The best way out is always through.
--Robert Frost (1874-1963), American poet

Coincidentally Robert Frost was tonight's Final Answer on Jeopardy! Made me feel good knowing my Mom be proud I got the answer right too!

2/3rds done grading exams, such is the life of a teacher. I'll be happy when the end of the semester course grades have been submitted. Then I'll be able to enjoy a little downtime before my hectic summer schedule begins!

Breakup wise,  I don't really think about it much these days. More like being too busy enjoying my life and I'm ready to move on too. Every since I had that ominous dream last Jan my relationship was really DOA. Live and learn.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Boo effing hoo!

So the ex is mad that he had to pay one of his bills instead of me. Boo effing hoo! Cry me a river you piece of sh*t! For once man up! There's no way in hell I would pay for ANYTHING after we broke up.
And he's so deluded to think I don't know about his buck tooth herion lover/ roommate/criminal etc etc.. she and her kids are stupid enough to make everything public including photos that point to his betrayal!
Mostly I've been in great spirits except whenever he contacts me it my mood for a few hrs.
I cannot wait to get my things from his Mom in a few weeks. I won't EVER have to deal with his sorry a$$ again!
I am so glad I trusted my instincts that it be a terrible idea to live with him. I would end up supporting him, no thanks. Been there, done that! I work too damn hard to have a guy rip me off. He took advantage of my generosity by the leaps and bounds!
And yet he expects me to feel bad that his account is overdrawn or that I've "ruined" his week. If I don't matter to him how could I ruin his week? Nope he's a miserable f*ck all on his own. He ruined his life over and over again. I gave a criminal the benefit of the doubt my bad!
I look forward to reading about him in the paper whenever he gets arrested again and goes to prison for a while. It's only a matter of time, the recipe of a heroin addicts and his bipolar anger issues will be a giant disaster. I don't even need karma, it will happen on its own.