Friday, January 11, 2019

How Does That Grab You?

I appreciate when an old hidden memory comes to mind related to my Mom. Like how a few weeks ago over Xmas,  I remembered all the fun Xmases we had with my Mom's gay friends back in the 80s and 90s before you could even talk about the LGBTQ community openly without fear some redneck would rope you up and tie you to the back of a truck just for fun or beat the fuck out of you! It was hush hush but my Mom always had gay friends and involved in their drag shows called Stars of Fantasy and they put on a show 1 or 2xs a year to raise money for charity like cancer and AIDS when it was rampant. No one made a dime off of the shows, I loved it. My Mom got to perform and she was terrific, she could be dramatic! Anyways on Xmas day for  years we spend the day jumping around downtown to see her Gays as they say now.
I still remember when my Mom discussed what it was to know a gay person when I was a kid. She said "what they do in the privacy of their bedroom is THEIR business no one else's! They can swing from the chandeliers for all I care!" And I love my Mom so much more for being such a lovely and open minded person and exposed me to all kinds of people outside of my circle.
And then earlier tonight after suggesting some plans for tmw, I ended it with "How does that grab you?" Which is something my Mom used to say to me all the time. I'm glad I remembered as I wrote it cuz it's not a phrase I use often. When I looked it up on Wikipedia,  I found out the following;
How Does That Grab You? is the second studio album by Nancy Sinatra, released in 1966. Arranged and conducted by Billy Strange, the album was produced by Lee Hazlewood.It peaked at number 41 on the Billboard 200 chart.The single, "How Does That Grab You, Darlin'?", reached number 7 on the BillboardHot 100 chart, as well as number 19 on the UK Singles Chart.
Huh who knew? My Mom would have been 12 years old when it came out. Makes me wonder if she used that phrase because of this song? Or was that phrase already around and Nancy Sinatra added it to her song? I'll never know! The many questions that I will have for my Mom and never get answers too. That's a HUGE reason why I feel cheated by her death, there was so much left to say and do!
A lot of whatever people may consider that's "good" in me, I got from my Mom.  I miss her. I don't cry every day anymore but usually at least once a week. Or if I'm feeling emotional or unwell which can be a trigger as well.
But my life is moving forward, I have a wonderful family whom I love dearly, a man who I have loved since age 14, 2 great cats,  an army of friends that range from super close to activity friends where we don't have a lot to talk about unless it's about an activity like teaching or we are doing an activity like going out to an event or biking, or whatever. Plus my job, God I love my job! Even when I'm overworked and underpaid, I still love my job!
Nonetheless I'm still healing from my Mom's death. But I have more good days than bad.  I know if there's an afterlife, my Mom be glad I'm not as grief stricken. But I'll always be mourning her till my last breath. And I hope future dreams where we are together I don't in my dreams remember that she died like I did the last time. Right in the middle of all our fun I suddenly announced to her "But Mom didn't you die" and looked away for a second and she was gone and I woke up with the tears down my face.
Tsk, C'est la vie!

Thursday, August 30, 2018

There Are No Do-Overs

The 1 year passing of my Mom's death is fast approaching. After I became functional again a few months ago, I spend a lot of time revisiting the past. I truly start to understand you don't get do overs. Not that I'm living in a sea of regrets, some sure but others are more about reviewing in a sense reliving and appreciating my past memories especially of my Mom. It's true if you live long enough, you start to yearn for the past the way life was. The simpler times as they say. And it is humbling and it sucky simultaneously.
I still cry pretty much everyday but for a brief while I would cry every 2 to 3 days. I know partly it's due to the costant triggers of being in my hometown and having  millions of memories of where my Mom and I went, what we did etc etc.. I greive a lot when I'm alone or at night.
Work will give me relief soon but not till after September 13th or near then. But even so my heart is still broken. I am in no rush to to be okay that she died because I'm not okay. My Mom was a gift to me, I'm so glad she didn't give me up for adoption.
I miss you and love you to pieces Mom! (in case there is an afterlife with internet and you're reading this!)

Tuesday, June 05, 2018

Beyond Here There Be Dragons

I used to not really be afraid of life until my Mom died then EVERYTHING changed.
The last few months I've actually had 2 panic attacks. Once before a conference in Tampa, Florida last February. It happened the day of the trip. I was stressing so hard about getting there and I had never acted that way before a trip out of town. I am usually super excited about the trip.
Then in the spring moving out of the Bronx back to Manhattan was as for most people stressful but I would find myself overreacting to things that wasn't like me at all! I am not sure if they're panic attacks but now whenever I am traveling esp the day that I'm traveling,  I get really wound up and on edge.
The title of the post is a very old saying
HC SVNT DRACONES" (i.e. hic sunt dracones, 'here are dragons') from Wikipedia. Baba is found of that phrase. I guess in a way Mom's death took away the last innocence for life and adventure. Don't get me wrong, I'm pumped about my trip to Detroit later this summer and see my old friend and meet my "nephew" face to face for the 1st time.
Overall life is more in Technicolor than grayscale, these last few months I feel like I'm coming back to life. The shock and heartbreak of losing my Mom quickly just sent my world spinning out of orbit. I was shattered and I still had to do a lot of "adulting" such as work, clearing out my Mom's place, dealing with all the holidays without her, then moving out of my place just took a toll on me.  In effort to self soothe I've gained a total of 20 lbs ugh! I was feeling like a whale by April. But then I said I had had enough! And started out by walking all over the city for several miles each day. Then in May I started using the gym specifically the treadmills and stationary bike. I am happy to say I've lost the first 10 lbs, still have 10 more to go. I also started adding free weights and using the nu -step machine. I try to get my heart rate to 140 or higher using these machines. I do have a lot of physical restrictions so I am sticking to low impact exercises. I am proud of myself for getting this far in only 2 months. I also credit my almost daily (I think I've missed 2 or 3xs) since April eating a LARGE salad with only apple cider vinegar and olive oil or rare occasion lemon juice which goes well with salads that have berries on it, yum yum. I've given up on pork over a year ago, will eat turkey bacon but it has to be good quality, not the cheap stuff. But my weakness is sweets late at night which I know now is due to my efforts to self soothe.  I've cut way back on it but there's still some nights I can't stop eating! Usually I notice this happens when I'm craving chocolate but there isn't any. So ill keep trying to satisfy that craving with all this other food that's not chocolate and doesn't satisfy me. Now I am sure to keep chocolate on hand and that seems to do the job.
And God bless my boyfriend, he never once made me feel fat or unattractive when I was at my worst! I did get to the point where I didn't want to be naked in front of him and I'm happy to report thats not the issue now. Not that it ever affected our sex life. I LOVE my Sexy German always!
I saw a great quote about exercise that I use as a mantra sometimes when I want to give up working out before the timer is done on the machine sweat is just fat crying I also remind myself if my Mom can lose 100 lbs on her own in 3 years I can lose the 20 lbs I've gained. I'm doing this for you Mom!

Friday, April 06, 2018

Shabbat Shalom to Mothers Everywhere!

Earlier today on the 4 train (I live in NYC) I saw an older lady with two other women,  so I offered my seat as the train was crowded. She politely declined. One of the ladies thanked me,  so then I asked if that was their Mom? She said yes and it just brought out the tears and I explained my Mom hadn't died too long ago.  They were so sweet, gave me a napkin and when the seat freed up.  The Mother sat next to me and her daughters in front of us. I  showed them my Mom's picture they remarked how pretty she was! When they got off the train the one daughter said God Bless you,  and I said to you too, she said God is with your Mom <3

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

As Mad As A Hatter

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.– Alice [from Wonderland]

Big changes on the nearby horizon. However my patience threshold these last few weeks has been crap. Looking forward to moving pass this literally. Goodbye the Bronx, hello Manhattan!

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

From a post on FB

I wish.......
That I could phone Heaven, just once even, and ask my mum if she is ok and happy. I’d tell her how much I love her and that I miss her. I’ll tell her I wish I’d hugged her more and spent more time with her. I’d ask her about all the questions I have, that are unanswered.
She’d tell me that she’s with my dad and my grandparents and they are all very happy. She’d tell me it’s ok to clear the family home of all her things, that they don’t matter.
Shed tell me to be good so that I Can join them all one day soon.
Then I’d be ok.
That is EXACTLY how I feel with the exception of what family members be in the afterlife.
I am still here in a strange sort of monochrome existence. Work brings relief as always but I still struggle with being available socially for my program. I know it will only get better as time goes by.
For my Mom.  wherever she may be, I LOVE you Mom, I miss you so much, I do ANYTHING to have another one of our days together. I'm still heartbroken. How could I not be?

Sunday, February 18, 2018

The Truth Is Like A Lion

I've come across a few quotes that I like;

The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.
-St. Augustine of Hippo

If I had a single flower
for every time I think about you,
I could walk forever in my garden
-Claudia Ghandi

You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.
-Alan W. Watts

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness,
but of power.
They speak more eloquently
than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers
of overwhelming grief
and unspeakable love.
-Washington Irving

The Sunshine State

I had such a good time these last 2 days and met so many cool folks here at the ASL professional development conference in Tampa, Florida!
I'll admit I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, it's been hard for me since my Mom passed away 5 months ago.
I'm still grief stricken but at the same time maybe I've turned a corner too?
I just need time. It's hard to learn to live your life without your biggest fan and support system. I loved my Mom so much I couldn't imagine a better one than mine. Her absence has devastated me so I'm still picking up the pieces.
This weekend, the conference, the wonderful people I got to meet or see old faces, all the information I learned and so forth in a way is helping me put those pieces back together again.
I'm glad I took a chance and went outside my comfort zone. And I look forward to attending the next ASL professional development conference in the Fall of 2018!