whereever you go, there you are

Right now I am so sick of myself and my funky mood. I wish I could just get the hell away from myself and my pissy mindset full of negative thoughts and bad clouds. I am just reeling from the recent bad misfortune that took my 10 years worth of film work and poof its gone. All due to inconsiderate greedy bitch and her minions. There were many mistakes made and both I and Baba paid a dear price for it. I truly feel robbed or scammed and I feel helpless to to get things righted or satisfactory answers and to be compensated for my loss and for Baba not to be ripped off any more than she already has been. The worst part is this all started at the beginning of my 'spring break' and my 1st real visit to Baba's new home so it cast a dark shadow on everything all weekend and basically rained on our parade. I must add tho I was very happy to see Baba so healthy and doing much better at her new home than she did at her old home. I let her know I noticed it and didn't see her use her cane once so it was the right decision that she made to move and I am so relieved.
I am next to tears daily and the best way I can describe the feelings is akin to someone who lost valuable mementos in a house fire (which I did as well, numerous childhood and family photos and letters along with my original works). It leaves you feeling so violated and in a pit of despair. I don't place much value on most material items other than my car, photos, my films and written work. Books, household goods, furniture and most decor (I am not talking about one of a kind or antiques) can be replaced. I know its not the end of the world and there are far worst things to have happen to me but recently in the past year its been one setback after another and last fall I was so depressed I didn't think I ever recover! But I did and now here I am again, right back to being an emotional walking wreck and my nerves are shot. I feel like I am liable to go off for the littlest reasons which is never good. I am making a major effort not to be around others this week as I don't need to be a debbie downer and ruin their good times.
For the 1st time since my breakup I have wished I had a boyfriend, someone to kiss me and make me feel better and hold me tight while the chips are down. But I don't and I certainly don't want someone just for that reason but being alone and depressed right now just sucks.
And I slept like shit last night too (really since the whole thing started but last night was the worst!), first I couldn't fall asleep and then when I did it was fistful sleeping in which I was constantly waking up. Even today Baba noticed the dark circles under my eyes and that's not something that happens often. I mean sure I always have dark under my eyes cuz I am so pale and with year around allergies but it must've been bad today for her to remark so.
I am just glad that I did get my lesson plans done yesterday as today was a waste due to so little sleep and feeling lousy! I haven't been eating much either it has just destroyed my appetite!
I can't wait for this shitty mood to pass and hope going back to work this week helps alleviate some of it?
Well stay tuned to find out....

Grids

The latest craze are photo grids. Here are two that I made :) One is titled 'My Neighbor's Front Yard' and the second one is called 'Many Moods of Tom'

Owned

I don't own a cat, the cat owns me :]

What's your idea of Nirvana?

Sitting by an open window on a beautiful afternoon, knowing the work week is over for me. And feeling my cat purr as I relax a little is deAfinitely bliss!

"The first and the best victory is to conquer self." Plato

Sometimes people ask that cliche question "if you could have dinner with anyone famous alive or dead who would you pick?" in the past I often fumbled on the answer but recently I would say its a toss up between Plato or Confucius. Both in my opinion remarkable observers of human nature and our place within this Universe.

As of late my newest theme has been practicing even more self-discipline. So as per usual I found and went crazy with quotes , enjoy!

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~Confucius

If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. ~Napoleon Hill

The great end of education is to discipline rather than to furnish the mind; to train it to the use of its own powers, rather than fill it with the accumulation of others. ~Tyron Edwards

You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can. ~ Jimmy Carter

Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory. ~ Ghandi

It's not the work that's hard, it's the discipline. ~Anonymous

A little red & blue to start your week right!

Today was hearing aid free day!

Today I had no reason to don my hearing aid which is always a nice break. I am not one of those Deafies that either shun it completely or wear it compulsively. But it was a niae break. My life wasn't any more harder, just more peaceful.

Earlier tonight I got to film again, I am such a camera slut. The producer didn't bring the tripod so for the 1st hour & a half I winged it and we had nonstop auditions but then it started to burn, the muscles can only stand still for so long before they need release. Eventually I moved to the table and was able to prop my elbows. This allowed for more support and a lot less strain on my back. My producer promised me they will bring the tripod next time. I don't blame her its heavy and riding the subway and all. So anyways I will get to film a few more times this month so I am very excited! I love trying new angles which tonight I wasn't able to do but you bet during rehersals I WILL!

My work week was as usual really good! Other than the whole scheduling nightmare with one job (sadly its still ongoing!) I am fortunate to have jobs in this economy.

Been taking a trip down memory lane and watching Melrose Place. Man the clothes, hair etc etc sooo early 90s! Fun and cute drama soap opera! Plus to see which actors lasted and which ones faded into oblivion is fun too.

Part of me wants to be dancing this weekend but my piggy bank is squealing NO! The rent is due, got to be responsible and pinch more pennies. That's what I am doing. Making poor little cooper pennies cry :/ nah jk! (-.~) I only do that to nickels and dimes!