Lately I have been contemplating on how and when to tell my sweetie I love him? I keep almost slipping up in text messages because it seems so natural for me to express it. On the other hand I just don't know if he's ready for that? I mean we just agreed to be exclusive a little over a week ago! I don't want to jump the gun here...but I kind of do too!
And I can pinpoint exactly when I knew I loved him! Yep it was Thursday evening the 16th. I was remarking to Mom who had come up from PA to help me organize my chronic chaotic messy apartment on how when Mr. Handsome was visiting me I let him smoke his cigs in the kitchen by the window. But after Goddess Rose and her boy toy D were by I allowed them the same privilege to smoke cigs in my kitchen. Immediately I realize I hate the smell of cigs wafting through my apartment and how it makes everything smell like cigarette smoke! I said to Mom, "Oh I must tell him he can't smoke in my kitchen the next time he is here. Just because I LOVE him..." what did I just say?! I immediately corrected myself and said "er LIKE him doesn't mean I can allow these heart shaped glasses to color me blind to my living standards which include a 'smoke free home'" Granted if we end up living together we will either make one room the smoking room or get a balcony or a place on the 1st floor. But my point is, as of August 16th approximately 7pm I realized I loved him.
Now maybe he loves me too? I sure like to think so! Earlier this summer when we talked about the past, he said he loved me 20 yrs ago. I was surprised by that because I always felt it was the case of me liking him more than him liking me. Plus I was like 17 and he was 19 and I didn't think he could truly have been in love with me back then. But I do remember thinking I was in love with him and being devastated when he left so suddenly. I remember sitting on Papa & Baba's bed crying and my uncle Rob consoled me. It was then he parted this nugget of wisdom I've carried all these years "never date someone more fucked up than you are!"
Here I am 20 yrs later and we are together and it feels amazing. I am so happy whenever he is around, I feel relax and content. He calms me and I enjoy his affectionate tremendously. I enjoy our talks both in person and texts. I appreciate his honesty with me and he is quite charming and generous with compliments which I thrive on no doubt. We pretty much see eye to eye which is such a nice change of pace and last night I was invited to join him for his friend's 40th bday party.
At 1st I felt VERY out of place because I didn't know anyone and all the women had kids and everyone smoke cigarettes or seem to. But as time went on, slowly people started to warm up to me and by the end of the night I was doing shots with some of his closest friends which I had fun doing. I really like his friends, a nice bunch and we already became FB pals today whee. I thought it was hysterical one of the women thought I was 25 yrs old and Mr. Handsome replied "do you really think I date a 25 yr old?" and we both cracked up and said YES!!!
so now back to my dilemma, do I say I love you 1st or should I let him say it 1st? I have a feeling either way I am going to blurt it out next weekend while he is visiting me in NYC. I just don't think I can contain these loving feelings much longer. <3 <3 <3
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