Bipolar nightmare

I recently was subjected to an extreme form of anger/hostility during a current manic episode(s) by a close friend who's bipolar and the experience had left me shell shocked to say in the least. I'm extremely depressed by the depth of hate spewed/written to me. It is an awful event to bear and I'm just too PTSD I think from years of DV with my ex to bounce back quickly like I should.

I'm the type to lay low when injured and tend to my wounds. I just have zero energy to go out and socialize. I just want to be left alone and not have to explain why I look and feel crummy.

Tomorrow night I will head back to PA to grab more time with my family and to regroup myself a bit too. I just hate when my generosity is abused and I know bipolar is a disease. But as a sensitive soul such as I, its hard not to feel hurt by a friend I've known almost 7 years :/

The only goods that came from my short time back was the two day technology workshop I took at my job this week. It was great. I gained three important benefits from the workshop
I now know what current software is available for our instructors
Where to go for resources in pedagogy, tech support etc etc.. with my new job I want to be independent employee that goes above and beyond. I'm interested in technology and curriculum design. I'm excited by what knowledge I gained during the two day workshop. It makes me feel prepared to start the fall semester right!

And the guy who coordinated the event seems like a stand up guy and I feel I could possibly develop a good rapport with him. I've also toyed with the idea of asking him to be my mentor for professional development later this fall. But first I want to start the new semester and get used to having my own office, whee, I am super jazzed by that! Very cool!

So even though my spirits lie low at current press time, I'm still grateful for all of my good fortunes.

Being misunderstood....

In the past year or so I have had the irony on more than one occasion to basically be told whatever achievement/progress/improvements I've made are the result of
-being at the right place at the right time in other words lucky
-being too aggressive
-being an ass kisser
in other words it wasn't the time or energy or the active effort to make the needed changes in my life that contributed to my success it was any of the above.
-or this one I just love, is a result of them being in my life. Granted having them in my life always enhances it but please do not delude yourself into thinking you are why my life has gotten better. My life got better because I was in a miserable wretched relationship for 5 plus years and being free of that and having the will to change is what brought about changes.
Let me be clear, yes I had help along the way but that is because I asked for help and reciprocated to the best of my abilities or above and beyond. I don't claim to be perfect or without flaws, weaknesses but I don't need to tout all that I do in order to make little and big victories.
I sometimes think even though I am a talker, I like to be quiet and listen/see what the other is saying? I think people sometimes mistaken me being receptive to me being I suppose uninformed so when I do ask a question they can be condescending at times. Ugh, I have a lot of patience but even I run out of nice-nice mojo. Plus I don't like one sided conversations where the person just drones on and on to build up their ego rather than to connect.
I am ready for my trip out of town to see the family. A break from a certain someone is long overdue

Malaise abound

I haven't been writing much these days, been too worn down to try. Working pretty much nonstop without so much as a few days off since last January has been most difficult. Yesterday was the last day of summer class and marked the end of the 3rd summer class that I taught this year. I worked on grades yesterday and corrected exams today. Tomorrow I will do the course grades and submit them on Sunday night as a final grade. Come Monday in 3 days my summer vacation finally begins! I will have just 3 weeks off but I am looking forward to not having to worry about lesson plans and I am sick to death of grading exams. Been grading exams every two weeks nonstop since last May! ugh!

So the term Malaise feels right, been feeling kind of down and plain old exhausted. Hardly any energy to do anything than the things that need to be done such as work, laundry, etc etc.. I haven't been going out much either mostly because I am just so tired! However I am happy to say I have had many visitors over the summer and I enjoyed that tremendously!

I enjoyed having Carrie Berry visit me for a week and it was awesome to see her again after 7 years as she resides in California. I am hoping she may consider moving east because I worry she is too isolated out west and she is like family to me, I care! It was hard to see her go! We both teared up at the end, who knew this annoying bubbly girl I met over 15 years ago would be such a good friend to me today? I am sooo lucky to have so many wonderful, caring friends in my life. I guess its the universe's way of making up for the years I grew up without hardly any friends at all? I dunno but either way I appreciate all that they do for me.

As a matter of fact all one has to do is take a look around my apartment. It was Blondie who came by a year and a half ago and violently shoved my exes' things in garbage bags and crammed it all into a closet. It was Mama Duck who always told me what a good job I was doing whenever I made any progress with clutter and downsizing. It was Teddy who helped me to tidy up daily and do small acts like taking out the garbage regularly. And it was Patty O and Car Man's Man who redesigned my living room and I have been able to maintain it since. And recently Carrie Berry worked on my bedroom with the clothes putting them away neatly, making more space and each time a friend helps me get one step closer to a stress free home I am so happy because they care enough about me to want to see me succeed! Small acts lead to big changes! I am happier all around with my home life these days. Things are placed back where they belong, I try to do the dishes daily, I throw things out all the time and I really make an effort not to buy things I don't need!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am looking forward to getting a pedicure with my friend Lisa Simpson and then we will go out to eat dinner. A few hrs later I will pick up Mama Raccoon and her brood from the airport and spend some time with them as well. It will be a low key birthday this year which fits the mood just fine!

Cannot wait to see the family next week!