Parent loss grief support

On FB I've joined a support group for those who have lost a parent and it's so helpful. And sad to read other people's heartbreaks.
One woman lost her father and gave him CPR for 20 minutes but he still died last Feb and she feels alone and guilty.
I wrote this as my reply
"My Mom died 2 weeks ago and I was with her at the end. There's a quote that sums up how we feel "if love could have saved you, you would've lived forever" so know we are but fragile and insignificant human beings, mortally flawed but our hearts knows no bounds. Someone wrote the day after my Mom died "grief is love with no where else to go" so know that yours and my grief is just like our hearts with no limits. May you find some comfort with your friends and love ones and vent here anytime. Gentle hugs"
I've been gliding video msgs with friends and am blessed with a great job and co worker support system. Being in this FB grief support group helps me to realize that I am not alone with my grief. And that compared to some who have no one, I am lucky to have so many friends and family that loves me and keeps me from falling to my knees and giving up.

I'm still here, kind of...

Yesterday marks 2 weeks since my Mom died and I'm still struggling so much. All of these memories come rushing back to me and EVERYTHING is a huge effort. I'm dreading going back to work next Monday and dealing with so many people. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. But instead I wake up in random intervals to memories of Mom and my heart keeps breaking off into little shards that cut my soul and spirit. Life without her seems unbearable.
Baba, my 91 year old grandmother, my Mom's mom has been a great source of comfort to me and I to her.
Yet all I do lately is overeat, cry. watch the show "6 feet under" and try to pass the hours so I can go back to sleep.
I try to be comforted by my cat Rosie Nova and my Mom's cat Callie Maui Wowie, who's now mine. But all the joy is no where to be found. I can't get over the future and all the plans we still had and how it's all GONE and I'll never see her again.

"Alive or just breathing?"

Saw the quote In used for the title of my post today. I'm here but not really,  my mind is like a broken record that screams to me in random intervals, Mom is DEAD.

There will be no more specially made birthday cakes, or favorite meals prepared just for me. No more lunches out together, or playing Skipbo or Acey Deucey. No one to watch rom-coms Netflix DVDs or Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy in which Mom knew 85% or more of the answers to. No more corny jokes she heard at the doctor's office or list of errands for me to drive Mom around to. No more holding her hand when there was a big step up or down somewhere, or buying the same pairs of shoes at Payless or cat treats at Wal-Mart for Mom's "spoiled brat" at home,  her ever "demanding royalty" kitty Callie. No more bringing Mom hot honey balls from the Greek bazaar in November or Passover dinner in the spring with Baba and uncle David. No one to sing songs with in the car or make rude remarks about idiot drivers waiting for "a hand engraved invitation" or someone "taking their car for a walk." Or pulling into a great parking spot and remarking "it's the Perlis' luck!" We always get good spots. No more recited recipes or beautifully spoken poetry or Shakespeare. No more sweet smiles and hearing her say "I love you the best" or "I love you to pieces" just a lot of no mores in my future and I'm having a terrible time feeling alive anymore. I'm not suicidal but I'm here kind of.

I'm dreading going back to work next week. My job requires a lot of communications with numerous people and I just don't have any thoughts left to give. I want to be left alone and only feel okay with my family and close friends and I feel like the laws of gravity changed, EVERYTHING is an effort. Both Baba and I  are both deep in mourning. My Mom passed away 3 weeks ago tmw, the memorial service was on Saturday 2 days ago and I'm still an empty shell of who I used to be.

Mom's Memorial

My Mom's Memorial turned out beautifully. And all the people that mattered and cared about her came yesterday. It was a bittersweet gathering and I was honored to be able to give my Mother a proper farewell.
But my heart doesn't know how to say goodbye, only knows the ache of her absence has left me. My mind jumps through decades of memories of my Mom, my childhood and all the wonderful years we had together. I know eventually the pain will subside but not anytime soon nor should it.

Unicorns carousels

In less than 12 hrs, I'll be in the middle of my Mother's Memorial Service. I have recently did the last photo of MANY for her Memory board.

My mind in many ways still cannot process a life without Mom in it. When it finally does, I'm more depressed than before.

I miss my Mom so much! I love how the few knick knacks that she did have are unicorns, 3 of them are carousels with unicorns. Too sweet, that's my Mom <3

Autopiloting Through Life

Soon to meet with my Aunt Nancy to make my Mom's memory board for tmw's Memorial Service.
I take it 1 hr at a time.  I have periods of normalcy that sometimes dissolves into a hot pile of tears and other times it's a stiffled or doesn't quite reach the service almost cry or I think of it more like a dry cry.
My focus is still shit, can barely sit thru a tv show or movie, with the exception of Star Trek TNG or Voyager. Both Baba and I watch those and we've started to watch Six Feet Under.
I go thru a lot of motions and often to my surprise I finished whatever I've started, didn't even know it.  A lot of "autopiloting" in my life right now.
I also spend vast amounts of time just thinking about and remembering what a great Mom I had.  How sorry I am she's not here, how much I loved her and miss her smiles and voice. I mourn for the future memories that we were cheated of. 

Day 5 of life without Mom

Today is day 5, sleep still mostly rosters eludes me. Waking up is so damn hard. Knowing today is another day without my Mom. And then I can't breathe, the hot tears rolling down and I just lie in bed, what else can I do? You can't go around grief only thru it. I really hate waking up!

Yesterday I changed my profile pic to my Mom and was so pleased how many people told me she's beautiful.  She spent most of my life feeling unattractive. You see my Mom had a very hard life, she had a bad accident before I was born that left her with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and overcame many obstacles was successful in her life. And she was beautiful both on the outside and within.

My Mom loved me to pieces

Someone on a FB grief support group wrote
"Grief is love with no where to go"
Sleep still eludes me most nights. I've been awake since 530am, Baba since 6am. She's gotten more sleep than I but then again she's more than twice my age. I can't imagine being 91 years old and losing my daughter who was 1 day shy of turning 65. Watching my Mom take her last breath has haunted Baba since. She remarked everytime she closes her eyes that's all she sees. Seeing Mom die doesn't haunt me just her being dead and never getting to see her smile again and tell me she still loves me the best does.

I've asked everyone that if they still have parents or caregivers to be sure to hug them and tell them you love them. It is a privilege to be able to do so.

The last few days

The mornings are still really bad for me. It feels like I can't breathe.

I dread going to her apartment to go thru her things.

I can't be alone much and seek solace with my family in real life and my friends via video msgs, texts and emails.

I am insanely jealous of people who's Moms are still here and I hope they know not to take their mothers for granted.

I don't even want to feel better,  in doing so, it makes me feel like I would be trivializing the impact and the large hole in my heart, in my world.

Fire and Rain

There's a song by James Taylor called Fire and Rain

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"

Baba mentioned this song to me a few times since Mom passed and it brings tears to my eyes.

The grief and devastation comes in waves. I don't how to live without my kind, sweet Mother here. The joy in my life is gone for now and I doubt it will be back anytime soon.

Today my mother's obituary will show up in the paper. My Mom is dead, this isn't just some horrible dream that I can rouse myself awake. This is far worst,  this is my new reality. My sunshine is gone.

Humpty Dumpty

Death has a way of making everything much more clear. I know what's important and what's bullshit and I don't have time for the latter.
Losing my Mother 2 days ago has left me devastated. We still had so much left to say, do and look forward to. It's agony at times to be awake. Yet sleep eludes me,  the one thing that helps me escape the pain and I'm struggling as always with sleep.
No good comes from losing a parent you loved so much,  especially when they're one of your most favorite people in the whole wide world.
Baba helped me write Mom's obituary yesterday, what a horrid thing to have to do!
I loved my Mom so much, I loved her more than the moon and stars, I loved her from near and far. She was my Mom and I miss her terribly. I feel like Humpty Dumpty today

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.