Saw the quote In used for the title of my post today. I'm here but not really, my mind is like a broken record that screams to me in random intervals, Mom is DEAD.
There will be no more specially made birthday cakes, or favorite meals prepared just for me. No more lunches out together, or playing Skipbo or Acey Deucey. No one to watch rom-coms Netflix DVDs or Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy in which Mom knew 85% or more of the answers to. No more corny jokes she heard at the doctor's office or list of errands for me to drive Mom around to. No more holding her hand when there was a big step up or down somewhere, or buying the same pairs of shoes at Payless or cat treats at Wal-Mart for Mom's "spoiled brat" at home, her ever "demanding royalty" kitty Callie. No more bringing Mom hot honey balls from the Greek bazaar in November or Passover dinner in the spring with Baba and uncle David. No one to sing songs with in the car or make rude remarks about idiot drivers waiting for "a hand engraved invitation" or someone "taking their car for a walk." Or pulling into a great parking spot and remarking "it's the Perlis' luck!" We always get good spots. No more recited recipes or beautifully spoken poetry or Shakespeare. No more sweet smiles and hearing her say "I love you the best" or "I love you to pieces" just a lot of no mores in my future and I'm having a terrible time feeling alive anymore. I'm not suicidal but I'm here kind of.
I'm dreading going back to work next week. My job requires a lot of communications with numerous people and I just don't have any thoughts left to give. I want to be left alone and only feel okay with my family and close friends and I feel like the laws of gravity changed, EVERYTHING is an effort. Both Baba and I are both deep in mourning. My Mom passed away 3 weeks ago tmw, the memorial service was on Saturday 2 days ago and I'm still an empty shell of who I used to be.
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