A Blip On My Radar

A little over a week ago, one of my former flames reached out to me. He's single and we were both texting and video msging everyday for 1 week straight. 

It caught me by surprised, thinking he was still in a relationship so when he contacted me I thought it would be brief and a one time thing but the next thing I know he was confessing all the wrong things in his life but also grateful for many things too. And we asked each other numerous questions and told many personal stories that is shared by lovers not friends. He is a fool to think I would have opened up as much as I did if it wasn't mutual, that level of intimacy! A lot of what he shared with me surprised me too. That he felt so comfortable to do so. I shared but I was always kind of holding back. He flirted a lot,  I didn't.  

And I will not betray his trust. Hope he will not betray mine?

Then at the end he said he didn't want to do anything to ruin our budding friendship. 

Uh like no hun. 

Never would've invested my time or energy during our massive communication period with someone I wasn't interested in. I don't believe in being friends with the ex. I can handle being social media friend from afar. That's it. Even then I sometimes wonder if I want that either?

He tried to make it like I was the one who couldn't "handle" being friends with him. I was like you're the one who can't handle me as I am. I call it like it is and I'm not going to waste my time stroking your ego. We had a lovely reunion, there was no animosity but I know who I am and what I want. 

If I have ever declared my love for you and shared my bed with you for x numbers of years then no we CANNOT be friends. 

Lucky for me I just go back to my wonderful, colorful and vibrant life. And my old flame can continue to flicker from afar. 

My Mourning Will Never End

Since my Mom died, I hardly cry unless it's related to her. Since my breakup,  I think I cried briefly once or twice and it wasn't a really deep cry or depth of despair kind of crying.

But tonight I miss my Mom something awful! Cried so hard my eyes burn!
I don't care, my Mom, I will NEVER stop missing her!

In other news, my daily dedication to walk 4-6 miles has paid off well! I am pleased. And I have a great time playing at several Deaf poker events the last few weeks. I came in 3rd last Saturday night W00t! That made me happy.

Life's Cruelest Irony

Sad but true

It’s strange. I felt less lonely when I didn’t know you. —Jean-Paul Sartre

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. ―Anaïs Nin

Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony. ― Douglas Coupland

I miss being in a relationship way more than I miss my ex. I miss having someone who in many ways serves as a best friend, family, lover etc etc. I miss the affection, the sex, being able to express my love for that special someone. Or to kvetch to, relate to, share my life with, my dreams and ambition and goals.
I miss love and that's probably why it's hard for me to let go when I'm in a relationship. The fear of being lonely or alone has haunted me all my life. Partly due to the way I grew up being bullied and tormented. I used to think it was because I am Deaf but in reality it was due to my ADD and sensitivity. Somehow my mind still struggles to acknowledge that that is an old fear and certainly isn't true anymore. I'm not alone, I'm hardly ever alone. There are so many people who if I made more time for would be more active in my life on a regular basis. And the ones I see regularly keep in touch a lot as it is. I feel overwhelmed sometimes by people in general.

This summer one of my goals is to work on letting go of old, useless train of thoughts and replace them with more realistic, up to date facts. Easier said than done. Nonetheless I am determined!

In other news, this cutie I met back in early February who made it clear from the moment I met him, that he digs me a lot. I was of course flattered, he's hot but 29! I admired the fact that he works full-time and is still going to school. Moved here from Columbia. So he's fluent in Spanish, English and ASL. Now that I'm single again, I sent him a FB friend request as we had originally exchanged text numbers. However I thought better to contact him through FB, more neutral than text. I am not looking for anything serious, a little fun over the summer be nice. After all I'm single not a saint!  😁😘😎

Grey's Anatomy

Wow! Just wow with the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy. Been a long time fan!

Earlier tonight my uncle treated my grandmother, me and his family to the Olive Garden. It was a nice dinner. My nephews are really nice guys. I'm looking forward to getting to know them more over the summer!

On the flip side. Mother's day has arrived and it mostly serves as a painful reminder of my Mom not being here. I do ANYTHING to be with her again. I miss her so much! I have cried some today because of that, compounded with not feeling well and I am still in small ways processing the breakup. Not a whole lot but here and there. I see it more like a chapter that I am ready to move on from!

It's nice having lost 15 lbs over the last few months, been getting a lot of compliments and of course NYC men, they are blatant in how they check you out etc which is always a nice ego boost 😊😎 nonetheless I find myself guilty when I do not meet my daily fitness goals. I never take a day off unless I'm really sick or unwell with my usual maladies etc., etc... It works better if I just do it every day, commit 100%. But the days I don't meet my goals bothers me. It's a struggle to find a happy medium.

Jeopardy's Final Answer

The rain to the wind said, ‘You push and I’ll pelt.’ They so smote the garden bed that the flowers actually knelt, and lay lodged–though not dead. I know how the flowers felt. -Robert Frost

I knew my Mom would be so pleased that I knew the Final Answer on Jeopardy earlier this week which was "Who was Frost?"

I love quotes and poetry as they have a wonderful quality to pinpoint and relate to with whatever you're going through. Words add eloquence to the shared human experiences. 

Found some tonight about how I'm feeling at this time.

You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. – Elizabeth Taylor

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. -Salvador Dali

I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it. -Sylvia Plath

Forging Ahead

The best way out is always through.
--Robert Frost (1874-1963), American poet

Coincidentally Robert Frost was tonight's Final Answer on Jeopardy! Made me feel good knowing my Mom be proud I got the answer right too!

2/3rds done grading exams, such is the life of a teacher. I'll be happy when the end of the semester course grades have been submitted. Then I'll be able to enjoy a little downtime before my hectic summer schedule begins!

Breakup wise,  I don't really think about it much these days. More like being too busy enjoying my life and I'm ready to move on too. Every since I had that ominous dream last Jan my relationship was really DOA. Live and learn.

Boo effing hoo!

So the ex is mad that he had to pay one of his bills instead of me. Boo effing hoo! Cry me a river you piece of sh*t! For once man up! There's no way in hell I would pay for ANYTHING after we broke up.
And he's so deluded to think I don't know about his buck tooth herion lover/ roommate/criminal etc etc.. she and her kids are stupid enough to make everything public including photos that point to his betrayal!
Mostly I've been in great spirits except whenever he contacts me it my mood for a few hrs.
I cannot wait to get my things from his Mom in a few weeks. I won't EVER have to deal with his sorry a$$ again!
I am so glad I trusted my instincts that it be a terrible idea to live with him. I would end up supporting him, no thanks. Been there, done that! I work too damn hard to have a guy rip me off. He took advantage of my generosity by the leaps and bounds!
And yet he expects me to feel bad that his account is overdrawn or that I've "ruined" his week. If I don't matter to him how could I ruin his week? Nope he's a miserable f*ck all on his own. He ruined his life over and over again. I gave a criminal the benefit of the doubt my bad!
I look forward to reading about him in the paper whenever he gets arrested again and goes to prison for a while. It's only a matter of time, the recipe of a heroin addicts and his bipolar anger issues will be a giant disaster. I don't even need karma, it will happen on its own.

Such White Trash!

Well the very next night after I last posted on here, I ended things. I couldn't take the constant rejection I was feeling ever since his female roommate moved in. And the worst part of it all is she's a recovering heroin addict who went to jail for shooting up drugs with her daughter who overdosed and almost died!
This is who he is choosing to spend his free time with instead of me? WTF! I will never again date someone beneath me. I would have never given him the time of day if it wasn't due to our history.
I hate how it ended and today by cutting off the cable, internet and his phone all in my name. He was so furious that I finally blocked him after we picked a date and time for me to get my things. I don't see any reason to continue to communicate.
But I will miss him in many ways. I'll miss his hugs and kisses, our wonderful sex life, having him in my corner, and how he stood by me through 2 deaths, a robbery, a car wrecked and so on.
But the truth is we didn't have much in common. There wasn't alot of bonding over shared activities or interests. He was very antisocial and hated to go to any events or celebrate any holidays.
We loved each other a lot, but it wasn't enough.
I feel like when his roommate moved in that when things deteriorated the way they did. He wasn't making any time for me and it was like I was being punished and I didn't really understand why?!? How can he go from loving me to pushing me away under the guise of an illness but in fact it was due to her! I should have known better but as usual I put up with way too much. I kind of don't trust my judgement when it comes to men.
I am also relieved that it ended. I no longer have to prove my love to my ex. I was constantly trying to make him happy and it never worked.
But I'm also looking forward to meeting someone new down the road. Not now while my heart mends but it won't be that long to heal. Certainly not after finding out he is living with a heroin addict and he blew a good thing with me! What white trash they are. And I don't even care if I come off as a snob. I  have much higher standards.
It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride since the breakup. I've been single for a week now. I'm getting used to referring him as the ex. And I am no longer being taken finacial advantage of!
So I will heal, move on and find someone who isn't a criminal, sociopathic or has serious mental problems.
Life is too short to let this breakup derail me any further.

The Abyss, The Unknown...

Things with my Sweetie have not been going well. He is struggling with my decision not to move in with him. I already played house twice with 2 other boyfriends. I don't need to live with the person I'm dating. It's not worth it! The day by day living with a significant other in my opinion erodes things.
And sadly as much as I love him, I don't want to live with him. And I don't want to live with a smoker, or in the boonies or away from my beloved city and support system. And because of that he has become withdrawn and antisocial. Acting hot and cold has me feeling panicky.
I am not handling it well at all. I miss his companionship. I miss his support. I miss feeling like he's on my side.
It also upsets me because WHENEVER he needed me,  I came through but my decision not to live together somehow in his mind means I don't love him! Christ! I have moved heaven and earth to affirm my love for him.
And I'm sad too because I'm unsure if in 6 months from now we will even still be together?
It sucks the uncertainty of it all.

How Does That Grab You?

I appreciate when an old hidden memory comes to mind related to my Mom. Like how a few weeks ago over Xmas,  I remembered all the fun Xmases we had with my Mom's gay friends back in the 80s and 90s before you could even talk about the LGBTQ community openly without fear some redneck would rope you up and tie you to the back of a truck just for fun or beat the fuck out of you! It was hush hush but my Mom always had gay friends and involved in their drag shows called Stars of Fantasy and they put on a show 1 or 2xs a year to raise money for charity like cancer and AIDS when it was rampant. No one made a dime off of the shows, I loved it. My Mom got to perform and she was terrific, she could be dramatic! Anyways on Xmas day for  years we spend the day jumping around downtown to see her Gays as they say now.
I still remember when my Mom discussed what it was to know a gay person when I was a kid. She said "what they do in the privacy of their bedroom is THEIR business no one else's! They can swing from the chandeliers for all I care!" And I love my Mom so much more for being such a lovely and open minded person and exposed me to all kinds of people outside of my circle.
And then earlier tonight after suggesting some plans for tmw, I ended it with "How does that grab you?" Which is something my Mom used to say to me all the time. I'm glad I remembered as I wrote it cuz it's not a phrase I use often. When I looked it up on Wikipedia,  I found out the following;
How Does That Grab You? is the second studio album by Nancy Sinatra, released in 1966. Arranged and conducted by Billy Strange, the album was produced by Lee Hazlewood.It peaked at number 41 on the Billboard 200 chart.The single, "How Does That Grab You, Darlin'?", reached number 7 on the BillboardHot 100 chart, as well as number 19 on the UK Singles Chart.
Huh who knew? My Mom would have been 12 years old when it came out. Makes me wonder if she used that phrase because of this song? Or was that phrase already around and Nancy Sinatra added it to her song? I'll never know! The many questions that I will have for my Mom and never get answers too. That's a HUGE reason why I feel cheated by her death, there was so much left to say and do!
A lot of whatever people may consider that's "good" in me, I got from my Mom.  I miss her. I don't cry every day anymore but usually at least once a week. Or if I'm feeling emotional or unwell which can be a trigger as well.
But my life is moving forward, I have a wonderful family whom I love dearly, a man who I have loved since age 14, 2 great cats,  an army of friends that range from super close to activity friends where we don't have a lot to talk about unless it's about an activity like teaching or we are doing an activity like going out to an event or biking, or whatever. Plus my job, God I love my job! Even when I'm overworked and underpaid, I still love my job!
Nonetheless I'm still healing from my Mom's death. But I have more good days than bad.  I know if there's an afterlife, my Mom be glad I'm not as grief stricken. But I'll always be mourning her till my last breath. And I hope future dreams where we are together I don't in my dreams remember that she died like I did the last time. Right in the middle of all our fun I suddenly announced to her "But Mom didn't you die" and looked away for a second and she was gone and I woke up with the tears down my face.
Tsk, C'est la vie!