The Grief Limbo Continues

I feel like I've been to war and back since my beloved 94 years old grandmother Baba who died Nov 5th. I have adulted more in the last 2 months than my entire life!
- Less than a week after Baba died got both an inner and outer ear infection on the same ear I wear my hearing aid! Which made me feel lonely among my hearing uncles and aunt
-Sorted through 90 plus years worth of things by donation, give to family, friends or neighbors and that was heart wrenching to slowly disassembled Baba's home
-took care of the cremation services and picked up Baba's ashes
-I wrote with my uncle's feedback and paid for her obituary
- I bought 3 plots for Baba, my Mom (who died 3 years ago)
- I put a deposit down to have Baba's and Mom's ashes laid to rest and started a 3 years interest free payment plan for my ashes when the time comes
- finished teaching, gave final exams and did end of the semester course grades for 100 students a few days before Xmas
- got the paperwork for Baba's estate lawyer and finally met with her on Dec 30th
- dealt with Baba's online financial accounts for the estate lawyer
-gathered all the photos, mementos, journals, important family documents,  letters and my 2 uncles and I spent 6 hours wading through it all! I then carefully pack up what we decided to keep for safeguarding
- packed up everything I wanted to keep and hired movers to move from PA about 90% of Baba's furniture which is much nicer than anything I've accumulated in the 16 years in NYC
-dealt with the movers 5 hours last Tuesday January 5th and again yesterday January 8th for 3 hours which meant I only had an air mattress, a camping chair to use while waiting for my things to be delivered. All the old furniture was removed because I was told it would be the same day move and it wasn't!
Now I just need to unpack and I'm struggling to stay motivated, I am still very bereft! I have been eating my feelings ugh which sucks cuz I lost 16 lbs right before Baba died and now I don't know if I've gained it all back or not?
The worst part of it all is I feel so alone and anchoredless! I was Baba's caregiver for many years. I am an only child, never married, no kids, don't know my father or that side of the family. I have my 2 uncles and 1 aunt and 1 cousin far away! And none of them live nearby but I will try to continue to visit monthly. Difficult with COVID-19 rising!
I want to stress that my one uncle and aunt went above and beyond the call of duty and without them I would not have finished this in a somewhat timely manner. And my other uncle helped some too but I think it was too hard for him to be active in it all.
Before Baba died and we knew it would be soon, she said she was so sorry to have to leave me all alone. And that's how I feel, alone even with my cats, friends, 2 different guys in my life I still feel alone. This post isn't to garner attention and I know after enough time goes by, it won't hurt so much. But right now it hurts and it waxes and wanes. I can function but I have no joy. 

My Sexy German and New Year's Eve 2020

Sadly it took Baba's death to bring is back together again only this time we are doing much better these last 2 months. 

I will move Baba's things to NYC on Jan 5th. It is a bittersweet feeling of grief and excitement. Grief to say goodbye to Willow Valley Retirement community and the friends I made there and the finality that Baba's being gone. Even now as I write this my eyes tear up and start run. I have no regrets, I was here almost every weekend after Mom died, I made sure Baba had whatever she needed. We were best friends and I miss her and Mom everyday! But it is also exciting to return to NYC and have my true love in my life again. 

I picked my Sexy German purrs up last night and we came back to Baba's apartment to catch up on the news as he had gotten COVID-19 right after my last visit and the flu from his kid and grandkids visiting the day after I last saw him 2.5 weeks ago.  And while we message all the time, some things I save to share in person. I also got to show him some journal entries from '91 and '92 when I was 17 years old and wrote about him and my 1st kiss with him was surprise on the cheek! Even then I was sweet. One part I wrote that he bought his younger brother with him and I stated that I thought my Sexy German (I didn't call him that back then) was 100xs cuter than his brother! It is a delight and a blessing that these journals I thought were lost are still here. I found them in the very last unopened box from Kent Gardens where Baba used to live but we never opened it after she moved here and I have to get everything out of her home!

Back to my New Year's Eve, despite either of us having much energy we had a great time. After we talked I gave him a choice, sex now then the movie or watch the movie and sex later. However he requested a belated birthday sex activity  request and I explained that if he wanted that, we better do it now before we got too tired. So we did and it was fantastic! I have enjoyed sex with him the last 2 months more than the sex the last 2 years with 2 different 31 year olds! 

We watched a long, complicated movie called Tenet. It was hard to follow. We had to pause it at 11:57pm so I could watch the New Year's Eve ball drop on tv and took pictures of us at that time too. 

Around 1230am we headed back to his place where I dropped him off. I may get to see him more time the day before I leave but I doubt it. His health is not good. 

However I'm so glad he accepts me living in NYC. And there is no financial pressure to have to support him, his "roommate" which I still think is more than that does and frankly I don't even care! Even if she's still his girlfriend, I have his heart and he has mine. In a way I'm glad he has her in his life for emergency and sorry to be harsh but to pay the bills! I can't be bothered thinking that I am a homewrecker of sorts. I have loved him since I was 14 and nothing will ever change that. She can have him full-time. I love having him part time. 

May 2021 be a better year for us all!