The Day It Rained The American Flag

At MSSD, one of the short stories I wrote was titled “The Day It Rained the American Flag.” When 9/11 happened nearly a decade later, it felt eerie to have written something with that title years before. In many ways, it captured a truth, because 9/11 brought a wave of patriotism and a sense of unity across the country. Now, 25 years later, it feels like we are in a very different place. Around the world, violence and instability continue, and in some regions, particularly parts of the Middle East and Africa, Christians and other groups are facing severe persecution. At the same time, it is troubling to see some young people expressing hostility toward the United States or appearing to sympathize with extremist views. It is hard not to feel a sense of heartbreak when thinking about how much has changed, and how different that sense of unity feels today.

Life as a Poker Shark!

This past year I've been working on my poker game play and expending my network for more in person games! Excited my hard work is paying off! I'm leaking less chips and maintaining my stack. And knowing when to push and shove etc etc.  

And I'm making more poker friends along the way! Really I love the game! My summer plans include one casino tournament a month. I'm planning to play at Resort World Casino in the Catskills later in May. Hoping the cost of the buy in for Parx Casino goes down atm most of the games cost $500 for the buy in which is just too much for me and my bankroll. See see what June and July brings in terms of Parx? And I'm hoping to play in AC at the Borgata Casino July or August! 

Firecracker, Firecracker, Boom Boom Boom!

When I was a child at my hearing elementary school I learned a cheerleader chant. And one of my poker friends username is Firecracker so now I got it stuck in my head on auto replay! Anyone else remember this cheer? Keep in mind this was the early 80s!

RAADS-R Score

Since my 30s I had suspected that I might have Autism. And during COVID I kept seeing more and more videos using the term AuDHD which is a combo of both Autism and ADHD. Last week I decided to take the RAADS-R online test to how I scored? The minimum score of possible Autism is 65, mine was 112. And all I felt was relieved that I had been right all this time. As a child I had a lot of sensory issues with food and texture and physical pressure etc etc. I was often overwhelmed with my emotions. I used to think I was bullied for being Deaf but it was probably my AuDHD that made me a target. And turned me into a life long people pleaser.

I remember in middle school making mental notes on social behaviors so by the time I went to my Deaf high school I knew how to act "cool" and in fact blossomed there and really found my happiness in the Deaf world. 

But I still struggled to go to bed at night (brain would not turn off) and getting up in the mornings was hard. Boring classes made me want to sleep too but the classes I enjoyed I was hyper focus on! I had a lot of FOMO and after study hour ended each evening I would go to the Eagle center (snack bar with TV and pool tables) or outside in the smoking area by art department and indoor swimming pool to be with my friends. I could not understand why anyone would choose to stay in the dorm to watch TV. 

I also didn't have just one circle of friends but roamed across various circles of friends. One year I recall eating lunch by myself everyday by choice. Looking back now it was most likely a way for me to decompress some?

I was a voracious reader since I was a small child. And was so lonely at my hearing school and being bullied. I spent my recess time at the school library. Baba told me early on, you're never alone if you have a book with you! So I escaped in books on the bus rides home or stared I out the bus window feeling so lowly and worthless for years. I spent most of my childhood hating myself and it is still something I am working on. 

Being AuDHD really explained the constant duality of my daily life. Examples are wanting alone time and wanting to be with people. Having a routine but feeling tied down. Wanting my place to my tidy but struggling with piles and clutter. And more. 

I'm still processing this realization that yeah I'm AuDHD! But it is good to finally understand myself a little better

Iran....

Listen we can't let our enemies develop nuclear abilities! Iran would destroy any western countries! Death to America isn't just a slogan this is what they want! To conquer and destroy freedom. Better them than us. And don't forget all the human rights violations they are doing to their own citizens! Who have been for almost 1 month now begging for US to help them. We are helping them topple a wretched regime! Don't let your political feelings about Trump blind you to the reality of the middle east! Trump isn't the 1st to attack the middle east both Clinton and Obama did as well

Der mentsh trakht un got lakht!

Sigh...

Der mentsh trakht un got lakht! As Baba used to say in Yiddish which means "Man plans and G-d laughs"

It has not been a great night for me. I had no idea this procedure would hit me as hard as it did.

I took tynelol during the day and ibuprofen at the end of last night. To help me with the pain and allow me to sleep. It didn't. 

The area right under my shoulder blade where the bottom of my left arm meets my body hurts so bad. It BURNS.  Keep in mind this is an area we use a lot to everyday tasks. So when I'm using it, it hurts. And any touching or pressure makes it 10xs worse which I learned all night while trying to sleep!

The other possible contributing factor to this extreme pain level is,  I am left with a new 2 inch wide scar healing with surgical glue. I have a history of reactions to adhesives and tolerate silcone better. And while surgical glue isn't an adhesive it has some shared properties that may be aggravating the incisions.

I've been awake since 5am-ish and doubt I'll sleep anytime soon. I've msg my surgeon thru the MyChart. I really really just didn't think it hurt this much. Once again I'm humbled.