ADHD Paralysis

Two days ago on huffington post website I came across an article about living with untreated ADHD. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/diagnosed-with-adhd-adult_n_6194234ae4b0ae9a42985a73 

While reading it I came across the term "ADHD Paralysis" and the light bulb went off! This is exactly what I've been dealing with while being depressed it is 10xs worse! 

I came across Dani Donovan's website with these comics that accurately reflects my experiences with ADHD. https://www.adhddd.com/comics/

Donovan is now one of my newest favorite artist <3 

Some other images related to ADHD that I feel is on point!

So true! It is hard to explain how ADHD encompasses my entire being all day, everyday!

and this too, some days I'm invincible but other days my ADHD paralysis takes over and I get so little accomplished! When that happens I engage in a lot of negative self such as I'm lazy or a loser or worse. Then I start to compare myself to my peers thinking "what's wrong with me! If so and so can do things why can't I do them too?!?" It is a vicious cycle. 

For a long time I felt like I was improving with my ADHD coping skills and my self esteem is better than it was but since Baba died my ADHD paralysis has been an all time high and made my depression a major depressive episode. So on top of my ADHD paralysis my depression zaps all of my energy reserves unless it is after 10 or 11pm! Suddenly I'll be wide awake when I need to go to bed! 

I feel this is the worse mental state I've ever been in especially last month. My depression was so bad I would say 10 out of 10. 

Right now it is probably an 8 or 9 out of 10 so yeah I'm not that much better. 

Hopefully in 2 weeks after the semester ends and course grades submitted I will feel less stressed. 

In other news, work with the exception of correcting and grading is going well. 

My Sexy German has been wonderful to me and loves me even when I'm depressed and gives me cuddles and lots of encouragement. I am so happy we got back together a year ago. We hardly ever argue and yes he's still bipolar but when he's in a bad mood he will let me know it isn't me and if he's grumpy and short with me he'll say sorry. That wasn't something he did in the past, he would never apologize for anything especially when he hurt my feelings. I am glad we are in a better place and doing so well. 

As for friends, several have been regularly checking in on me. I am so loved. And while some days it feels like I'm just killing time till I can join my Mom and Baba again (I am not suicidal)! My friends, my Sweetheart and my aunt Nancy and uncle David make me feel less alone in the world. It is times like these I wish I had a brother or sister to be close with. Perhaps if I ever find out my real dad's identity maybe I have some half brothers or sisters? It sure would be nice!

Jenny Kiss'd Me

Jenny kiss'd me when we met,   
  Jumping from the chair she sat in;   
Time, you thief, who love to get   
  Sweets into your list, put that in!   
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
  Say that health and wealth have miss'd me,   
Say I'm growing old, but add,   
      Jenny kiss'd me.

By Leigh Hunt from 1838.

Baba was fond of this poem. 

I miss her and Mom everyday!

(Crochet was made by my aunt Nancy <3)

When I Was One And Twenty

When I was one-and-twenty

       I heard a wise man say,

“Give crowns and pounds and guineas

      But not your heart away;

Give pearls away and rubies

       But keep your fancy free.”

But I was one-and-twenty,

       No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty

       I heard him say again,

“The heart out of the bosom

       Was never given in vain;

’Tis paid with sighs a plenty

       And sold for endless rue.”

And I am two-and-twenty,

       And oh, ’tis true, ’tis true.

When I Was One And Twenty by A.E. Houseman was a poem Baba used to recite to me. How I miss her. I don't think I'll shall ever stop missing Baba or Mom. How could I not?