I remember in middle school making mental notes on social behaviors so by the time I went to my Deaf high school I knew how to act "cool" and in fact blossomed there and really found my happiness in the Deaf world.
But I still struggled to go to bed at night (brain would not turn off) and getting up in the mornings was hard. Boring classes made me want to sleep too but the classes I enjoyed I was hyper focus on! I had a lot of FOMO and after study hour ended each evening I would go to the Eagle center (snack bar with TV and pool tables) or outside in the smoking area by art department and indoor swimming pool to be with my friends. I could not understand why anyone would choose to stay in the dorm to watch TV.
I also didn't have just one circle of friends but roamed across various circles of friends. One year I recall eating lunch by myself everyday by choice. Looking back now it was most likely a way for me to decompress some?
I was a voracious reader since I was a small child. And was so lonely at my hearing school and being bullied. I spent my recess time at the school library. Baba told me early on, you're never alone if you have a book with you! So I escaped in books on the bus rides home or stared I out the bus window feeling so lowly and worthless for years. I spent most of my childhood hating myself and it is still something I am working on.
Being AuDHD really explained the constant duality of my daily life. Examples are wanting alone time and wanting to be with people. Having a routine but feeling tied down. Wanting my place to my tidy but struggling with piles and clutter. And more.
I'm still processing this realization that yeah I'm AuDHD! But it is good to finally understand myself a little better
