65 Red Roses

This post is dedicated to one red-head from another...
















Today I happened to stumble across an article in CNN about a blogger name Eva Dien Brine Markvoort who created a blog called 65 Red Roses. This was about her struggle with cystic fibrosis, hence the name 65 roses because many children have difficulty pronouncing cystic fibrosis. She inserted red into her blog name because it was her favorite color. She died recently and I as I began to scroll down her blog, my eyes watered, my throat clenched. How could such a beautiful young woman being taken away at her prime? I am struggling as I type to hold back the tears. She touched so many people on many levels all over the world! What a brave soul, how I admire her and it once again reminds me of my many blessings. I have been sick on and off throughout my life but nothing terminal or anything that truly held me back from living. Her parents (what strength they have!) are maintaining her blog and when she had passed away, they simply wrote


“full of love and hope and the colour red, … your girl, eva”
Eva Dien Brine Markvoort … what a life! She lived passionately, with purpose, and died on Saturday, March 27. She left a legacy of love and made a difference in the lives of thousands of people both in her personal life and in her online community. Eva’s life, almost 26 years long, was defined by her challenges related to cystic fibrosis. She knew how to live for the moment and her magnetic personality drew people in at every turn. Eva took nothing for granted and she had no time for complainers. Her life was full of vibrant moments and she appreciated all the beautiful aspects of her surroundings, constantly adjusting to the limitations presented by her health. Eva filled every room she entered, she engaged herself in the present and she learned to turn the most challenging situations into positive experiences. She was a force! Eva has enriched the lives of her parents, Janet Brine and Bill Markvoort, her siblings Annie and Hunter, her loving extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins, and her dearest core ‘team’. Eva's family expresses their gratitude for the tremendous support provided by friends, family, neighbours, colleagues, the medical team, and Eva's online community.

In lieu of flowers, donations in Eva’s memory to the Vancouver Cystic Fibrosis Foundation will be gratefully accepted at www.cfvancouver.ca . All who read this are also encouraged to register as an organ donor at www.transplant.bc.ca .

Can you even begin to imagine the grief felt by so many but none more so than her family! Two days before she passed away, with her sister's help she wrote this poem;

i'm at that point now i'm done with the poetics asking for help my sister is helping me write actually helping me write the medications have been piling up they are taking their toll i am supersaturated with medications i've been medically missing in action for two days the docs started taking me off some of them to see how i would manage and i am not managing not managing at all i'm drowning in the medications i can't breathe every hour once an hour i can't breathe something has to change

I just want to say to Eva's parents/family/friends how much Eva's blog has touched me. The world at large has lost someone who mattered.

Emotions! Some days I can do without!

So recently I started therapy to learn
better coping skills. When one has ADD
they often experience a lifetime of
frustrations and inability to deal with
feelings that overwhelm them. Case
in point, me.

All my life I have always felt at the mercy
of my emotions. When I was a teenager I
had the worst temper and all of my friends
never wanted to fight with me because I
was not a fair fighter. I would hit below
the belt simply because I felt hurt, therefore
they were to be hurt just as much as I was.
I also didn't handle criticism well but id like
to think I've improved on that. Simply be-
cause I remind myself, opinions are like
assholes, everyone has one. So I always
tell people I will listen, I may not agree but
I will take what they say and digest it.

Lately I have begun learning healthier ways to
deal with my anger and frustrations. Such
as stop thought techniques and reading up
on anger distortions. Plus I am owing up to
my feelings and that I am in charge of how
I feel. Eleanor Roosevelt said "no one can
make you feel inferior without your consent."
How true.

I've only gone for 2 sessions and I feel good
to know I am on the path that will lead to
a more balance reaction when stress hits or
when I feel overwhelmed.

Funny I have always been jealous of those
who remain calm and cool during trying times.
I can do that too when the situation is about
someone else and not myself. But boy oh boy
when its me, I either roar like a lion or whimper
like a kicked dog. And then afterwards I feel
even worst because I lost my cool. I think if
only I had said this or done that but its too
late.

Therapy isn't fun but it can be rewarding,
especially when you can see the difference
in your everyday life. Right now its a little
too soon but I do see an inkling of how I am
getting better.

Sometimes

I wish I were a cat. To just lie around and
bask in the sun. Someone to feed me, love
me, and take care of me. To be able to
purr and make others want to stroke my fur.
And then I think, do cats sometimes wish to
be human? To eat all the tuna they want?
To come and go as they please? To take
up most of the bed?
Indeed the grass is greener on the other side...

Bout of Insonmia

Not fun!
When trying new ADD medications
I prefer short acting over long
acting meds simply because if
I take my meds too late in the day
I can't sleep at night :(
The past 2 nights have been horrible!
Tonight I WILL take melatonin!
I've given Jack strict orders not
to let me forget!

Faith

I remember while growing up and visiting my friend Erica, she had on her wall the following poem

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

---

Mary Stevenson, 1936

I know its a very popular poem among Christians but I feel it can be applied to anyone who has faith. What's interesting to note is there are 3 different versions of the poem above and wikipedia states as the possible origins dating back to 1880 sermon but the author is truly unknown.

So does this mean I myself believe in one supreme being, a parental figure who knows and controls everything? No, I believe in being a part of a larger whole, a life force that pumps through the veins of the universe. If there is a God I do not view it as something that possesses human qualities but more as a source of incredible and divine energy.

George Carlin once said he worships the sun. I really love this particular piece from his stand up comedy routine. George Carlin was certainly an intriguing man who made us think when he spoke. [Excerpt below from here;]

Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

I guess lately with my more active involvement with Town & Village Synagogue it made me re-evaluate my views on religion and to be honest not much has changed except I am able to appreciate my heritage more and be a part of my religion wholly.

In different and much less exciting news, I played grown up most of the afternoon. Paying bills, calling the ins company, calling about my school loans, all kinds of fun stuff. But now at least its out of the way, freeing me up to enjoy my weekend.

Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day)

Another Deaf-friendly Jewish event coming this Sunday April 11th here in New York City. [Excerpt below taken from Deaf News Network]

Tifereth Israel-Town & Village (T&V) Synagogue (www.tandv.org) will be hosting sign-language-interpreted event on Sunday afternoon, April 11th, when the Downtown Kehillah (a collection of Synagogues in Lower Manhattan) gathers together to commemorate Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day) and we hope you can join us!

The ceremony will include remarks from Rabbis from several of the Kehillah's Synagogues, along with songs from the CBST/Downtown Kehillah choir, a candle-lighting, and a reading of names of some of the victims, and will be held from 5:00 PM -- 6:00 PM at 334 East 14th Street, between 1st and 2nd Avenues in Manhattan. Author Johanna Reiss, who's written books about her experience as a child in hiding during World War II, will speak, and our interpreting team will include Cathy Markland and Bram Weiser.

A reception (refreshments and social hour) will follow the event, and all are welcome to participate!

For additional information, please contact Bram Weiser at bramweiser@usa.net or (212) 677-0368v.

Thanks, and we’ll hope to see you there!

Last Saturday (4/3) I attended Town and Village Synagogue for another ASL terped services which occurred during Passover otherwise known as the Jewish Independence Holiday in which the Jews were freed from slavery in Egypt, you know "Let my people go!" Imagine to my surprise when several people including Rabbi Sebert came up to me and complimented me on my blog posting of Purim. Apparently in California an online site called Jewish Deaf Community Center picked up my post and added it to their website. I was blown away! Little old me? Nonetheless I was please at the response I received and am honored to be able to advocate such a great Temple!

I was also told how the ASL terped services at T&V Synagogue began. Bram Weiser had shown a great appreciation for ASL(who recently became a RID Certified Terp) and one of the members who attended regularly at the Synagogue was Deaf. Of course she was left out of the services. So Bram would sit next to her and inform her of the page nbrs from the Torah readings or other readings, or what prayer was being said etc etc... He expressed to his mother (Marcia Weiser) about his desire to see more Deaf Jews involved at T&V Synagogue so for his birthday about 5 years ago (don't worry Bram your age will remain a secret!) his mother surprised him by paying for interpreters at that particular Jewish services and she also provided "seed" money for the possibility in making ASL terped services more regularly. And so it began with 4 ASL terped services a year and now has grown to almost 1x a month! I am very grateful to both Bram and his mother for making this a reality for me and other Deaf Jews to be able to attend, a mitzvah!

In addition to all of this, Rabbi Sebert in his sermon mentioned about including the Deaf in the Jewish community and that more efforts must be made. I couldn't agree more because ASL terped Jewish Services are so few and far in most of this country! I honestly didn't think in my lifetime I would ever be able to be an active member of the Jewish community until now (in the past year or so) attending T&V Synagogue has renewed my faith and my Jewish ties. I was also thrilled to sign "A Prayer for Our Country" last Saturday, boy was I nervous. I enjoyed it all so much! The kiddush (reception) afterwards served the best lox spread I have had in ages! I met the Cantor's Postman's young cutie-pie daughter who signed to me "Shabbat Shalom" which translated in ASL is "REST PEACE."

Before I sign off, I have an old joke to share

What's the difference between an Italian Mother and a Jewish Mother?
An Italian mother says "if you don't eat that, I will kill you!"
a Jewish mother says "if you don't eat that, I will kill myself!"
Ov vey, the gift of guilt that keeps on giving ;-)

Precious the movie

Last night Jack & I finally got a copy of
the movie "Precious." It sure was a good
movie, very nitty gritty and reminded me a
lot of the life I saw in DC/Baltimore area
as well as Harlem where I now reside.
This movie cannot be summarized, its
shocking, well performed and extremely
tragic story. Monique who played Precious
mother was at her finest acting I've ever
seen. I spent a lot of the movie wanting to
jump into the story and wrap my arms around
Precious and some of the other characters.
No one, no matter what size they are or
race they're from should ever live in those
conditions. Sadly this story may have been
based on fiction but it surely wasn't far from
the truth. If anything I hope it serves as a
wake up call for everyone that we need to
help each other and break the patterns of
abuse seen in poor minority based
neighborhoods.