ADHD Paralysis

Two days ago on huffington post website I came across an article about living with untreated ADHD. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/diagnosed-with-adhd-adult_n_6194234ae4b0ae9a42985a73 

While reading it I came across the term "ADHD Paralysis" and the light bulb went off! This is exactly what I've been dealing with while being depressed it is 10xs worse! 

I came across Dani Donovan's website with these comics that accurately reflects my experiences with ADHD. https://www.adhddd.com/comics/

Donovan is now one of my newest favorite artist <3 

Some other images related to ADHD that I feel is on point!

So true! It is hard to explain how ADHD encompasses my entire being all day, everyday!

and this too, some days I'm invincible but other days my ADHD paralysis takes over and I get so little accomplished! When that happens I engage in a lot of negative self such as I'm lazy or a loser or worse. Then I start to compare myself to my peers thinking "what's wrong with me! If so and so can do things why can't I do them too?!?" It is a vicious cycle. 

For a long time I felt like I was improving with my ADHD coping skills and my self esteem is better than it was but since Baba died my ADHD paralysis has been an all time high and made my depression a major depressive episode. So on top of my ADHD paralysis my depression zaps all of my energy reserves unless it is after 10 or 11pm! Suddenly I'll be wide awake when I need to go to bed! 

I feel this is the worse mental state I've ever been in especially last month. My depression was so bad I would say 10 out of 10. 

Right now it is probably an 8 or 9 out of 10 so yeah I'm not that much better. 

Hopefully in 2 weeks after the semester ends and course grades submitted I will feel less stressed. 

In other news, work with the exception of correcting and grading is going well. 

My Sexy German has been wonderful to me and loves me even when I'm depressed and gives me cuddles and lots of encouragement. I am so happy we got back together a year ago. We hardly ever argue and yes he's still bipolar but when he's in a bad mood he will let me know it isn't me and if he's grumpy and short with me he'll say sorry. That wasn't something he did in the past, he would never apologize for anything especially when he hurt my feelings. I am glad we are in a better place and doing so well. 

As for friends, several have been regularly checking in on me. I am so loved. And while some days it feels like I'm just killing time till I can join my Mom and Baba again (I am not suicidal)! My friends, my Sweetheart and my aunt Nancy and uncle David make me feel less alone in the world. It is times like these I wish I had a brother or sister to be close with. Perhaps if I ever find out my real dad's identity maybe I have some half brothers or sisters? It sure would be nice!

Jenny Kiss'd Me

Jenny kiss'd me when we met,   
  Jumping from the chair she sat in;   
Time, you thief, who love to get   
  Sweets into your list, put that in!   
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
  Say that health and wealth have miss'd me,   
Say I'm growing old, but add,   
      Jenny kiss'd me.

By Leigh Hunt from 1838.

Baba was fond of this poem. 

I miss her and Mom everyday!

(Crochet was made by my aunt Nancy <3)

When I Was One And Twenty

When I was one-and-twenty

       I heard a wise man say,

“Give crowns and pounds and guineas

      But not your heart away;

Give pearls away and rubies

       But keep your fancy free.”

But I was one-and-twenty,

       No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty

       I heard him say again,

“The heart out of the bosom

       Was never given in vain;

’Tis paid with sighs a plenty

       And sold for endless rue.”

And I am two-and-twenty,

       And oh, ’tis true, ’tis true.

When I Was One And Twenty by A.E. Houseman was a poem Baba used to recite to me. How I miss her. I don't think I'll shall ever stop missing Baba or Mom. How could I not? 

Woe Is Me

Woe is me is from the Bible translation by Wycliff which was published in 1382. In the Bible it goes thus; “If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction.” 

And cited in Shakespeare play Hamlet. That's probably where Baba heard it from and has said over the years. 

Going through one of my most major depressive episode of my life the last few months. 

The anguish is soul crushing and I'm falling behind with work. The pits of despair seems endless. And it is like I have forgotten how to be happy and hopeful. 

I thought once the year had passed of Baba's passing I be doing better. But I feel worse than ever and I blame cymbalta a pain medication prescribed for my chronic pain to have made my depression worse. It hasn't helped with my pain and I don't feel like me. 

I am grateful my Sexy German has been so good to me all through this. If I didn't have him I feel like I have no one. Sure my aunt and uncle and my big brother but other than them and a few close friends I'm alone. 

I miss Baba and Mom terribly and cannot get over the injustice of my Mom's sudden passing. Sometimes it feels like I'm just killing time till. One day bleeds into the next. 

Work despite my recent lagging still makes me happy but it is only a small part of my week. 

The "I am thankful" posts I could do without and frankly an insult to Indengious folks that were robbed of their lands and annihilated. 

Tomorrow will be a better day but today is a pity party kind of day. 

In order to get better I resigned from volunteering for my 30th class reunion and the online professional course that I fell behind in is ending this week and I have given up on that course and realized I don't particularly want or need that skill set. Nonetheless I liked my teacher a lot. Will miss interacting with her. 

Now all I have to do is focus on work and my health. That's it, I'm still anti social and will be so for a while especially with the cold and dark months ahead! Daylight savings sucks!

Yankee Stadium Meteorite

Several days ago I had a dream that the world was ending. Something about an impending explosion from our solar system and I was scrambling to get out of the city (I live in NYC). I only remember bits and parts of the dream.
I remember gathering family photos and keepsakes. And then I was in a crowd of people going somewhere when someone fell. Me and a few others helped this person get up. But in the process I lose all the items I took with me.
Then I'm suddenly on the 4 train and the Yankee stadium is in view. I see from the sky a meteorite crashing down into the Yankee stadium like a bulls eye. I blurt out "I love you" to a young woman unknown to me,  a stranger that I have never met and gives me a quizzical look. I feel surprised by myself telling a stranger that I love them and then I wake up!

In the past my dreams often serve as an omen of what's to come. I will be curious to see what shakes up my foundations in the next few weeks. Maybe a new beginning? Or I will experience a tremendous loss?

And this is probably the 3rd or 4th time I have had the end of the world dreams. Usually it is from an A bomb, this was the 1st that wasn't a man made ending!

I read online that this could symbolize a spiritual awakening within my soul. I kind of believe that especially since my therapy lately has been extremely intense. I am in the process of healing the young girl inside of me that was traumatized and bullied for 8 years growing up. After the internal family system we started 2 weeks ago I was in a rotten mood for several days following the 1st session. Yesterday was the 2nd session and my therapist pointed out to me that my protector part of my psyche didn't like that at all. Shaking up the status quo after years of repressing my pain. It was a good session and I have a long way to go. I wonder if my dream is a reflection of that?

Ecclesiastes 3. 1-13

The early afternoon on the day Baba died she recited part of Ecclesiastes 3. 1-13. (The parts that are in bold below)

It has haunted me since

It has been 9 months since Baba passed away. I miss her and Mom everyday.  I feel so alone in the world sometimes. 

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9. What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10. I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11. He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12. I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

Deaf Schools Decibel Levels

I will never forget my orientation week with John Y. at MSSD as a freshmen. The 1st day I stepped outside of dorm D, after we had unloaded the car. All I saw was a sea of hands and I was literally dumbstruck as to what I got myself into!

Both my Mom and Baba commented that they thought a Deaf school would be as quiet as a library. Boy they both were wrong and shocked at how noisy a Deaf school is! My Mom said it sounded like someone was getting murdered in the cafeteria! Yep we may be Deaf but we sure aren't quiet! 😁😉😊

MSSD was the best thing that ever happened to me! It changed my life for the better and I still credit the Deaf world for saving me!

Goodbye Aunt Flo!

Yesterday I had a hysteromcy performed to help with my stage 4 endometrisis and severe adhesions disease! I am and was in chronic pain that I could barely function some days. In a way teaching online was a blessing! 

Anyhoo I'm still here on my 2nd day to control the pain with IV painkillers which is G-d sent but now this afternoon we will try oral painkillers. I am anxious about that as in the past they make me violently ill, so this afternoon should be interesting....

Also my surgeon Dr. Vijay is an endometriosis specialist and phenomenal doctor! I'm receiving mostly good care. There was 1 nurse in earlier that was adamant I read her lips! I told her NO it is not my job to read your lips, it isn't legible like reading a book! I kept pointing to the sign that says I'm Deaf and pointed to the portable VRI machine and pen and paper and she stormed off. I told the other nurses to keep her away from me! How dare she insist I read lips when there is paper and pen and VRI machine in the room with me!

Dr. Vijay warned me that I'm on heavy narcotics and not to expect to be in as good shape as I am right now.  Im in hardly any pain but I know it will be a rough few weeks. Not to worry, my aunt Nancy  is here in town to take care of me and Duke-em is my personal escort to the hospital and back and will run errands for me as needed. Plus my lovely German neighbor  will be checking in on me after my aunt Nancy leaves on Sunday. 

Things I learned about my surgery, my intestines on the right side of my abdominal wall was stuck again and freed up! I had 2 massive cysts in my ovaries and one had already ruptured! They said my surgery went extremely well much better than they anticipated. Even remarked my adhesion disease isn't as bad as my medical records indicted.

Okay that about sums up everything. I truly hope this surgery results will lead to better quality of life for me. The best part is no more periods!!! W00t that's something to be happy about, goodbye Aunt Flo!

The Grief Limbo Continues

I feel like I've been to war and back since my beloved 94 years old grandmother Baba who died Nov 5th. I have adulted more in the last 2 months than my entire life!
- Less than a week after Baba died got both an inner and outer ear infection on the same ear I wear my hearing aid! Which made me feel lonely among my hearing uncles and aunt
-Sorted through 90 plus years worth of things by donation, give to family, friends or neighbors and that was heart wrenching to slowly disassembled Baba's home
-took care of the cremation services and picked up Baba's ashes
-I wrote with my uncle's feedback and paid for her obituary
- I bought 3 plots for Baba, my Mom (who died 3 years ago)
- I put a deposit down to have Baba's and Mom's ashes laid to rest and started a 3 years interest free payment plan for my ashes when the time comes
- finished teaching, gave final exams and did end of the semester course grades for 100 students a few days before Xmas
- got the paperwork for Baba's estate lawyer and finally met with her on Dec 30th
- dealt with Baba's online financial accounts for the estate lawyer
-gathered all the photos, mementos, journals, important family documents,  letters and my 2 uncles and I spent 6 hours wading through it all! I then carefully pack up what we decided to keep for safeguarding
- packed up everything I wanted to keep and hired movers to move from PA about 90% of Baba's furniture which is much nicer than anything I've accumulated in the 16 years in NYC
-dealt with the movers 5 hours last Tuesday January 5th and again yesterday January 8th for 3 hours which meant I only had an air mattress, a camping chair to use while waiting for my things to be delivered. All the old furniture was removed because I was told it would be the same day move and it wasn't!
Now I just need to unpack and I'm struggling to stay motivated, I am still very bereft! I have been eating my feelings ugh which sucks cuz I lost 16 lbs right before Baba died and now I don't know if I've gained it all back or not?
The worst part of it all is I feel so alone and anchoredless! I was Baba's caregiver for many years. I am an only child, never married, no kids, don't know my father or that side of the family. I have my 2 uncles and 1 aunt and 1 cousin far away! And none of them live nearby but I will try to continue to visit monthly. Difficult with COVID-19 rising!
I want to stress that my one uncle and aunt went above and beyond the call of duty and without them I would not have finished this in a somewhat timely manner. And my other uncle helped some too but I think it was too hard for him to be active in it all.
Before Baba died and we knew it would be soon, she said she was so sorry to have to leave me all alone. And that's how I feel, alone even with my cats, friends, 2 different guys in my life I still feel alone. This post isn't to garner attention and I know after enough time goes by, it won't hurt so much. But right now it hurts and it waxes and wanes. I can function but I have no joy. 

My Sexy German and New Year's Eve 2020

Sadly it took Baba's death to bring is back together again only this time we are doing much better these last 2 months. 

I will move Baba's things to NYC on Jan 5th. It is a bittersweet feeling of grief and excitement. Grief to say goodbye to Willow Valley Retirement community and the friends I made there and the finality that Baba's being gone. Even now as I write this my eyes tear up and start run. I have no regrets, I was here almost every weekend after Mom died, I made sure Baba had whatever she needed. We were best friends and I miss her and Mom everyday! But it is also exciting to return to NYC and have my true love in my life again. 

I picked my Sexy German purrs up last night and we came back to Baba's apartment to catch up on the news as he had gotten COVID-19 right after my last visit and the flu from his kid and grandkids visiting the day after I last saw him 2.5 weeks ago.  And while we message all the time, some things I save to share in person. I also got to show him some journal entries from '91 and '92 when I was 17 years old and wrote about him and my 1st kiss with him was surprise on the cheek! Even then I was sweet. One part I wrote that he bought his younger brother with him and I stated that I thought my Sexy German (I didn't call him that back then) was 100xs cuter than his brother! It is a delight and a blessing that these journals I thought were lost are still here. I found them in the very last unopened box from Kent Gardens where Baba used to live but we never opened it after she moved here and I have to get everything out of her home!

Back to my New Year's Eve, despite either of us having much energy we had a great time. After we talked I gave him a choice, sex now then the movie or watch the movie and sex later. However he requested a belated birthday sex activity  request and I explained that if he wanted that, we better do it now before we got too tired. So we did and it was fantastic! I have enjoyed sex with him the last 2 months more than the sex the last 2 years with 2 different 31 year olds! 

We watched a long, complicated movie called Tenet. It was hard to follow. We had to pause it at 11:57pm so I could watch the New Year's Eve ball drop on tv and took pictures of us at that time too. 

Around 1230am we headed back to his place where I dropped him off. I may get to see him more time the day before I leave but I doubt it. His health is not good. 

However I'm so glad he accepts me living in NYC. And there is no financial pressure to have to support him, his "roommate" which I still think is more than that does and frankly I don't even care! Even if she's still his girlfriend, I have his heart and he has mine. In a way I'm glad he has her in his life for emergency and sorry to be harsh but to pay the bills! I can't be bothered thinking that I am a homewrecker of sorts. I have loved him since I was 14 and nothing will ever change that. She can have him full-time. I love having him part time. 

May 2021 be a better year for us all!