Child free?

Being with Ronnie (who is VERY preggars)
and the baby is due Sept 5th, but she'll be
lucky if she makes it to then. Has me thinking
a lot about whether or not I want children
in the future?

Recently on Saturday, she hosted a small
get together with some other Deafies in
Maine that I knew from before and a few
new faces. All of them were cool chicks!
And all but one have children. Some of the
Mom brought there kids too. Seeing what
Ronnie deals with on a daily basis with
her 3 yr old while being preggars plus how
these women interact with their kids has me
thinking a lot these days, "a baby for me,
yes or no?"

Sure its a romantic notion, the "American
dream." You are born, go to school,
maybe college, meet that special
someone, get married and boom,
have kids! Raise your children, retire
and spend the holidays spoiling your
grandkids, hoping that when you're
really old, you won't die alone....
But is that the ONLY American dream?

I was lucky you see because I have had
role models in my life who didn't have
children, like my Uncle John, Baba's friend
Regina, my deaf aunt Lee, even my great
late aunt for whom I was named after, none
of them had children. So I know there is a
life that can be had without having kids. But
is that the life I want?

I do LOVE kids, I do! My favorite job ever was
working at MSD-CC! And I would still be there
if there was a way for me to be promoted but
there wasn't.

Right now I am in Maine working at GBSD
Deaf literacy camp and I am certainly old
enough to be any of these campers'
mother. I tried to visualize having
children before age 40, knowing I be in my
60s when they're in their 20s depresses
me... Even one of the mothers I met
last Saturday remarked (She has 4
children, the oldest 19, the youngest
2 yrs old) that being pregnant in
her mid 30s was a LOT harder than in her
early 20s! She also admitted if she could
done things differently, she wouldn't have had
children. Or as many as she does now. Of
course she loves her children! No doubt, its
just there is a price to be paid when having
them.

Then I think to myself how Jack and I are
still laying down our roots, he is going to be
a FT student this Fall, and me ill finally be
earning somewhat of a decent living. We've
never have had the luxury to travel much
both here in the states or abroad. We've
discussed our desire to do a cross country
trip! And we both have been struggling
to just move to a nicer apt and not worry
constantly about bills especially in this
economy! In the next few years, this
will all change. Do I then have kid(s)
without ever enjoying our financial
freedom? Children are expensive and
usually not very gracious ;} sure if you
tell them to say "Thank you" they will but
they cannot appreciate the amount of
money they cost, at least not till they're
old enough, adults which is a couple of
decades later if you're lucky.

So the past few days I've been researching
online about couples who don't have kids and
most of what I read indicates they too like me
want their freedom to do as they wish. Its nice
to know that at the end of the day (if I am
working with kids) that I can go home to
find Jack waiting for me, tranquility. I don't have
anyone dependent on me for their everyday
needs such as food/clothing etc etc..and
I like how there is a movement now of
using the term "Child free" rather than
"Childless" which the former indicates
a choice, the latter indicates the woman
is defective and couldn't have kids. Its nice
to see that my views about whether or not
to have kids are quite normal and yes I
can admit I have maternal urges, but that
can be met by having animals in my life,
such as cats and dogs, (personally for me, I
prefer cats). And no I am not confuse and
think they will take place of having kids but
it will allow me to be nurturing which is
something I feel is missing from my life
tremendously! I feel will satisfy that side
of me. I don't intend to mistake my
cat(s) as my children and call myself
"mommy" when im at the vet or no
one else is home....What's even more
ironic is that a cat is about the same size
as a baby. Which I always joke to
people, if I could have a baby stay a baby,
I would. But they grow up!

I do want to say that in a weird way, if I
accidently got pregnant, I would keep
the baby. You see, I feel that if I choose
to have sex (even while using birth
control) and it still happens then it is
fate. Having an abortion at my age
would feel VERY wrong to me. I am not
against abortions but I myself wouldn't
chose that option not this late in the game.
Jack is aware of this and he knows I
would make a wonderful mother if I
ever chose to do so. He is behind me 100%!
And knowing Jack, I don't think he'll give
up sex ;}

So for now Jack and I are like the magnet
on my fridge with a cute kitty cat on it. It
reads, "We had to get rid of the children.
Our cat was allergic to them"