1958 Buddy Holly's Everyday

As I sit less than 5 feet away from both my Mom's and Baba's ashes,  Buddy Holly's song Everyday plays on auto repeat. But I also bawled out my eyes so hard that my nose was throbbing afterwards! I don't think that's ever happened before!

I like to think it might be the pair of them whispering it into my mind's personal DJ!

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday, it's a-gettin' faster
Everyone said, "Go up and ask her"
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way, love's a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way, love's a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey
Love like yours will surely come my way

Spent 7 hours grading 100 exams,  and another hour or 2 catching up on students video hmk etc..I will be so happy this Thursday to finally be relieved of work for a while and just be able to greive and pack up Baba's things! I only have till Jan 5th to finish up!

Was sick last week but feeling better now. And I was thankful that the COVID-19 nasal swab test was free and negative! Plus they didn't ram it up to my brain! I kind of stopped getting the nasal swab test because I would suffer from sinus headaches for days afterwards. I just got the antibody testing instead!

COVID-19 vaccine, I am always baffled by those who won't vaccinate! As the sticker that I bought for Baba which she loved ny a few years ago read Science doesn't give a fuck what you believe! That's it, science is the closet thing to a religion in my opinion. Because you have to face the facts and data and then proceed from there. 

An Emotional Cost

Being alone so much at Baba's home during my grief and dealing with the uncertainty of where I'll be living? Trying to plan a move based on many unknown variables is super stressful. 

And keeping my head above water at work, I am so ready for the semester to end! I couldn't abandon my students the last 3 weeks but I'm paying an emotional toll by doing so.

The slow agony of dealing with Baba's things these last few weeks, I don't know how much more I can bear! 

I do know when I'm away from Baba's home I'm functioning much better. But thanks to effing COVID-19 and travel restrictions, I can't even take a break! 

But I am grateful for my uncle D who sleeps over every Friday nights and my aunt N on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays. My ex is somewhat supportive but I can't rely on him like when we were together. Despite it all he is a source of comfort. And I still love him, always will. 

Love, Death + Robots

I had a crazy dream where the world was in chaos in some city (not NYC). I'm with my Mom and we are trying to hide outside among the rubble and broken down buildings. And we were arguing, being impatient with each other on where to hide when I look over my shoulder to see Godzilla appear several blocks away. It is night time so you can only see his shadowy figure. There is no sound throughout the whole dream. Funny I'm not scared, in a way I'm happy to be with my Mom even though we are not very patient with one another in my dream. 

Clearly binging on the Netflix's Love, Death + Robots influenced my dream last night. Good series, highly recommend it!

Musical Tinnitus

In the last 6 months I've gone days, sometimes weeks without using my hearing aid. And I noticed my mind often has music playing in the background, repeatedly.  Sometimes it is a song I know, and it could be all the words or just bits of it on auto repeat. Other times no clue what's being sung or what instrumental orchestra I'm "listening" to! Very annoying when my mind plays a song but I can only hear the voice or music not the words being sung or what instruments is being played! A few months ago I asked Baba if she ever experienced that and she said "Oh sure! Everybody has!" Made me feel less cuckoo! And according to the Google search results my mind devoid of sound normally supplemented by my hearing aid, seeks auditory stimulation and thus I hear music a LOT.

Since Baba died I have mostly "listened" to Nirvana's song Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge

I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]
In her false witness, we hope you're still with us, To see if they float or drown
Our favorite patient, a display of patience,
Disease-covered Puget Sound
She'll come back as fire, to burn all the liars, And leave a blanket of ash on the ground. I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]

But this evening Bohiem Rhaspody lyrics specially the following part rings so true how despondent I feel about Baba's death, that she would actually say this in her own words. 

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Problem is I don't want to let her go. I want my person here, my best friend, my heart and soul.

Today my aunt and I went and donated Baba's clothes which weighed 186 lbs! I hope whoever ends up with the clothes enjoys them! 

The most poignant song for me that I can barely listen to in real life since Mom died is Mary Chapin Carpenter song 10,000 Miles and is gaurenteed to make me cry even the 1st time I heard it in the movie Fly Away watching it with Baba about 7 or 8 years ago,  before either of them had died. It evokes such agonizing sense of loss.

"10,000 Miles"

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

The parts in bold gets me every time, her voice is so melancholic

I don't want life without my Mom and Baba in it, just so bleak. I know this is grief talking and I'm grateful my recent ex reached out to me and has comforted me as he had when my Bastard Kitty died, when my Mom died and now with Baba. I will always love him despite the many differences between us he'll always be the one I love. 

Things That Happen In 3s

After a fitful sleep this morning I finally willed myself out of bed.  

Eventually I did 5 lesson plans to wrap up my semester. Later today after I get another restless night of sleep. I must try to record at least 2-3 and post them. This should give my students ample time to study for the finals and free up some time to catch up on grading course work. 

I continued to add to the chaos here at Baba's home as I dismantle it. Very heartbreaking process and boy she sure had a lot of clothes! I honestly think I have half as much as she does/did. It will be good to unload approximately 10 large bags of clothes, shoes and purses to a local shelter. Her clothing is mostly LL Beans and Land's End. They'll be put to good use at least than just dropping them off at Goodwill where there is a profit to be made. Somehow I rather see her things be given freely to those in need. 

Earlier I watched a movie with one of Baba's friend and neighbor here. The movie was called Stardust (2007 version) and it was cute. It was good for me to get out of Baba's apartment for a bit. 

Later today at 11am I will meet the lady selling her 3 plots at the cemetery that Baba wanted. I am so thankful for my aunt informing me the local newspaper that people sell their plots! I will finally be able to make plans not only to put Baba's ashes to rest but my Mom's too and a spot reserved for when my time comes to. It gives me a little peace. 

A little Joe/Jo trifecta just occurred to me. See my friend Joe Joy's father just passed away on the 16th. So we have been keeping in touch, tonight Baba's friend's cats, one is name Joe and was all over me tonight. And later today the person I'm meeting to sell the plots is name Jo! I know, superstitious but I am a believer in things happening in 3s!