Musical Tinnitus

In the last 6 months I've gone days, sometimes weeks without using my hearing aid. And I noticed my mind often has music playing in the background, repeatedly.  Sometimes it is a song I know, and it could be all the words or just bits of it on auto repeat. Other times no clue what's being sung or what instrumental orchestra I'm "listening" to! Very annoying when my mind plays a song but I can only hear the voice or music not the words being sung or what instruments is being played! A few months ago I asked Baba if she ever experienced that and she said "Oh sure! Everybody has!" Made me feel less cuckoo! And according to the Google search results my mind devoid of sound normally supplemented by my hearing aid, seeks auditory stimulation and thus I hear music a LOT.

Since Baba died I have mostly "listened" to Nirvana's song Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge

I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]
In her false witness, we hope you're still with us, To see if they float or drown
Our favorite patient, a display of patience,
Disease-covered Puget Sound
She'll come back as fire, to burn all the liars, And leave a blanket of ash on the ground. I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]

But this evening Bohiem Rhaspody lyrics specially the following part rings so true how despondent I feel about Baba's death, that she would actually say this in her own words. 

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Problem is I don't want to let her go. I want my person here, my best friend, my heart and soul.

Today my aunt and I went and donated Baba's clothes which weighed 186 lbs! I hope whoever ends up with the clothes enjoys them! 

The most poignant song for me that I can barely listen to in real life since Mom died is Mary Chapin Carpenter song 10,000 Miles and is gaurenteed to make me cry even the 1st time I heard it in the movie Fly Away watching it with Baba about 7 or 8 years ago,  before either of them had died. It evokes such agonizing sense of loss.

"10,000 Miles"

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

The parts in bold gets me every time, her voice is so melancholic

I don't want life without my Mom and Baba in it, just so bleak. I know this is grief talking and I'm grateful my recent ex reached out to me and has comforted me as he had when my Bastard Kitty died, when my Mom died and now with Baba. I will always love him despite the many differences between us he'll always be the one I love.