Hurricane Sandy Frankenstorm

Well us NYers are still reeling from the damages Hurricane Sandy rained on us. On Sunday I went out and about getting last minute supplies before the storm hit. Things like chocolate and setlzer water along with batteries for my flashlight as well as candles because I don't usually keep candles, I just dont. Both of my jobs sent out announcements their schools would be closed. In a way I am fortunate because I was behind in grading midterms and lesson plans and my neck/shoulder have been giving me hell so the rest and downtime due to the storm was greatly appreciated on my end!

 

I thought this was hilarious on Monday before the storm really got bad, my friend Lisa Simspon who lives across the Hudson river on the west side in Manhattan snapped a photo of where I live!



 

So of course I had to return the favor and snapped a photo on the east side of the river here in the Bronx of where Lisa lives :)

 

After the worst of the storm went through, Mayor Bloomberg came on and the terp next to him was fantastic, name Lydia Calas! Way to go Bloomberg!

 

 

A little humor and sadly true!

 

 The storm for the most part in my area didn't do too much damage. I did not lose electricity but I did experience a brownout in which the electricity amp was lower so everything was dimmer, my microwave didn't heat any food, I couldn't use my VP (video phone) and my wireless internet was down. I also do not have hot water still and will take a quick shower tonight at Lisa's home before going out to celebrate Halloween in Queens!

It is good to finally get out and dance away cabin fever, the recent flooding in my beloved city and our beaten up subway system. Seems most folks are having to rely on cars, my bestie Blondie is still without electricity and probably will be till this Saturday or Monday, depends on Con Ed?

I am doing better these days since the breakup. I do miss him a little but it gets less and less as each day passes. It was a seriously blow to my trust levels in men and I hate being lied to, I just do. If I were to suggest a halloween costume for "Mr. I am going bald but think somehow my sunglasses on top of my head makes it appear less bald" should dress as Nixon for Halloween ;}

This below sums up my sentiments for the ex!

Sooktacular Fun at Fanwood Deaf School

Last Saturday, my friend Mama Raccoon had invited me to a Halloween Family event at Fanwood, NY Deaf School. It was Baby Raccoon's 1st Halloween! My friend Lisa Simpson and I met up and drove over to Westchester for some spooky fun. Mama and Papa Raccoon met us there and we went inside. They had all kinds of wonderful things to do, face painting, arts and crafts, a bouncy castle, pumpkin painting and even tug of war! Ran into old faces as per usual in the Deaf world. 

 

 

 Here's me and my new beau, world meet Frank, Frank meet world!

 



 

 Mama and baby Raccoon!

Frank sending some Deaf Love our way ILY

 The gang, Popeye's daughter in the blue, Lisa Simpson, Papa and Mama Raccoon :)

Lisa and Me

 

Mama Raccoon frightened but baby Raccoon is steady as a rock

 

 More cute kids with Frank

 

 

Popeye and daughter

 

 Lisa and Mama Racoon chittering away

BeetleJuice here to help the tug of war event

 Other side of the tug of war with a witch to brew the winning spell!

 

Anyone want a bone to gnaw on? Free, no strings attached! ;P

 

Afterwards Mama Raccoon, Lisa Simpson and I hit the food store to stock up on water for the impending arrival of Hurricane Sandy! This was good because I needed some chow anyways at home, it was slim pickings. We went back to the Raccoon's home and had grilled steak and shrimp yum yum, it was a great day!

So last night was Red Hots Mom's 50th bday! Both Blondie and I stopped by Pylones in Grand Central after a professional paid film gig and brought a small gift and later a card! I heart Red Hots' Mom whom bday we were celebrating. She and I hit it off from the git go last winter when we first met. And then for her bday dinner we got to eat BBQ how could I be disappointed after bbq ribs? I wasn't!
After we ate we went to Coyote Ugly bar to continue the celebration. A cutie in the mohawk brought me a shot and then another cuttie name Joe born in Long Island and grew up in Brooklyn was fun to flirt with! Red Hots was a terrific wingman and it helps when you have a friend to help you get conversations going :)
Friday was not a great day for me. I accidently for the 1st time ever locked myself out out of my apartment in the Bronx while moving my car to the opposite side of the street for street cleaning and to avoid a parking ticket. This is when I realize no apt keys?!! I sped off to Blondies place and ended up waking V's kids who were so sweet & let me in to contact Blondie & Goddess Rose (who was the only person with a spare copy of my apt key!) Luckily Goddess Rose was around and was able to meet me and Blondie. We drove in the rain back to the Bronx where Rose was waiting for me. How lucky can I be?
Then Friday night Blondie and I walked over to Inwood to visit Lisa Simpson and eat Thai! We played a game called Mexican train dominoes which Blondie really enjoyed yay!
Blondie and I had a professional film gig we had to do this weekend which really got complicated as every passing hour. Glad to say despite the amount of time and effort we had to give up in order to do it, we got it done. I learned a lot from the project and what I would do differently next time. Either way to be behind a camera again takes me to the moon and back. I have been recruiting a film team for the past few weeks. I have found a set designer (Blondie), editor (Lisa Simpson) and I was thinking of seeing how my friend King would like to be involved? Normally she performs/acts but I will ask her if she liked to do something behind the scenes? I need a person who secures the cast as well as a kraft person. I also need someone who wants to either direct and I shoot or I direct and they shoot the footage? Lastly and most importantly I need a story to film! I already decided that if a Deaf friend or peer has a great story idea but trouble writing the script, no problem I would be happy to create the script with them. Its not hard at all. I realized in the past I did it all myself and didn't delegate or create a team to help me with the projects. This time I am and I plan to do this after the holidays, sometime in Jan or early Feb. It will be a good time to do it then because everyone will need a pick me up and making a movie is FUN.
In other news I am bouncing back pretty quickly for someone who got dumped only 2 weeks ago. I think the key is to allow yourself time to wallow and vent which I did to anyone who offered to let me. Plus using online forums was also very helpful to talk with others going through the same experience as I am.  I'll never forget how wonderful family & friends have been to me. I am one of the luckiest people I know. As I never feel alone really. I always have someone to reach out to, email, call through video phone, text, write letters/cards and see in person.
I haven't been thinking much about Mr. Handsome anymore. After being vindicated by a friend that my suspicious on his behavior were indeed validate I know now I really didn't do anything wrong and he blew it. It does upset me because I felt he never gave me a real chance because he was still in contact with his ex the WHOLE time! Anyways it makes no difference now, as he is no longer a part of my life and never will be.
Been working on grades and lesson plans today not very exciting but certainly productive. Soon have to start grading a batch of written midterms. For the next 3 weeks I will be in the midst of that, what joy.
Halloween is right around the corner. I have seriously thought of doing the zombie bit again but haven't committed to it 100% yet. But in a way would kind of reflect the past few weeks where I felt kind of dead inside but I appeared to be alive on the outside...My neck has been acting up a lot, I realize when I am overly stressed I tense/clench up. I have to mentally remind myself to relax and lower my shoulders. I reek of tiger balm and icy hot a lot of the time. I dont care it works and I am trying to 'listen' to my body more :)

WAS doing pretty good

today until recently when someone offered me a new pov (point of view) on my breakup a little while ago. All day long I was mad busy with work. Getting to work early to work on my work -lesson plans, then I did work -teach, then drove home, heated up leftovers. Watch a few episodes of Raising Hope, then off to tutor -work. And I tutored for over 4 hrs of my time tonight. It was worth it, my friend is very generous with paying me. Stopped at Pathmark on the way home from work and picked up some grocery then got in around 11! so really no time to be heartbroken. Then I was given food for thought on Mr. Handsome and now I'm sad again and miss him a lot! :'(

Carrie Berry's Card

See now I'm going to do something equally or even more sweeter for her because God bless her she puts up with me and my own self centeredness and still sends me a cheer up card! Xoxoxoxxoxx!

Its hard to forget the past

And let go of what I thought was my future with Mr. Handsome. I'm still extremely sad to see him gone from my life. But I am willing to move forward by myself because I already cried over him once deeply 20 yrs ago. I just can't fathom going through this again and again. Best to cut him out completely because the heart wants what the heart wants. I do miss him and having him in my life.
I ironically thanks to the first 2 exes have grown a thicker skin for breakups. Yes I'm wallowing some I'm entitled it only happened a few days go. Sure I was like 75-80% prepared mentally that I would return back to the city single once more. But there was still that small amount of hope and I was still technically his girlfriend. So yeah I'm wounded.
And despite my love for him I was not that clueless. His signals the past few weeks were seen & painfully felt. I realize his issues were a large chunk of the problem but there were some that were just him being stubborn and afraid to stray from his comfort zone. For all of his talk on compromise and loyalty I myself rarely saw it in action. I guess this is the 'angry' side of me with that last bit I wrote.
Basically as in death and breakups people go through the similar or all the same stages, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. I think I did denial a few weeks up to this, I certainly was depressed. Don't recall being angry much till recently. Did a lot of bargaining by turning to online information on how to make/save this relationship but in actuality did not try to bargain a lot with Mr. Handsome in person. Funny with my first 2 exes I was determined to give it my all, 150%, my dying last breath. But this time I just felt like why bother? He is making the logistics of his reasons for breaking up clear to me and I'm too mature and cute and fun to try so damn hard when I've already given a 100% this far. I really didn't do anything THAT deterimental to our relationship till 3 weeks ago I began to question certain situations that concerned me.
Lastly I cannot say I'm at the acceptance stage yet but I'm not too far off either. I like my life for the most part minus the job/money headaches. I think in terms of acceptance when he offered me the consulation prize of being his friend and I flat out rejected that idea as I was never his 'friend'. 20 yrs ago we dated and now I'm his ex once more. I have to add because this is the petty (angry) side of me that I secretly enjoyed seeing his look of surprise at when he offered me the 2nd time of being his friend saying if I 'changed' my mind at which point I cut hm off and said 'I won't' to him by being demoted to his friend which by the way is such bullshit would signal to him I 'accepted' what was happening here and fuck that I really don't. Either you love me and want to be with me or you don't. But I don't open myself up to anyone like that unless their my SO (significant other).  Its outrageous to me to think after sharing my life and even tho this time it was only 6 months steadily with someone I'm into to think id be ok with being his friend.
Anyways what does it matter now? Its clear he doesn't love me back deeply enough to make me a central part of his life. We had a really good thing going. It hurts but ill live :(
I am however fortunate because I have so many good friends in my life. One sent me this card below. Another one offered to stop by my home at 11 at night just to make sure I'm okay. How lucky am I? Baba was a tremendous rock for me this weekend and so was Mom. I'm glad despite this heartbreak my heart is strong enough to see what's in front of me XO to everyone who is good to me, it matters. My heart is bruised but still beating <3

Back to square one

Well I've been dumped and it hurts. It hurts to think this someone who had my heart in his hand and treated me wonderfully better than I've ever been treated for the past 5 month just cut me off over the past few weeks. I realized he had a lot on his plate but I never imagine he would give up on us so quickly and he seems so unaffected by it all. Granted his has issues and those issues in many ways debilitate him. I am just at an all time low right now and it seems to be the norm for the fall the past few years.
I feel unlovable and a loser for taking a chance on someone who's background I would not normally give the time of day to. I just thought because he had been so open and never an unkind word or argument really between us that I finally found a man who knew how to communicate and take in consideration my ADD and his issues. But when the shit hit the fan, he was no where to be seen because I guess he cannot be there for anyone else during the times when he is super stressed?
I am so tired of feeling like a major fuckup. People all around me have gotten married, had children and have real careers and here I am struggling daily to keep it together. I was already feeling very depressed before being dumped but now I am depressed.
I have been kind of weepy today and it sucks, I haven't cried like this in so long I didn't ever think I would be back to this state. When I let Mr. Handsome in I was just starting to feel open to dating again and trying my hand at love once more. Now I wish I could just crawl into bed for days on end. But I can't I have to work and keep trying despite having zero ambition.
I keep messing up at my jobs because the classes are so packed closely together I get confused about who I taught what to? I am beginning to hate my life and I am very unhappy with myself. I just feel lousy all around and thank god Baba is by my side to let me be my weepy self and not be so alone. Yet tmw night I have to drive my unhappy self back to the city to my empty apartment so I can work Monday. This coming week is going to be so hard and with my ADD brain and the tendency to obsess I don't foresee many happy days in the near future :(