Single again, how weird!

Tuesday nite, I called it quits with Clyde. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I was just plain old tired of us not getting along. For me, I believe couples should also be best friends. And for a while now, I felt we were barely friends. We seem to bring the worst out of each other and I don't know why? I was also frusturated with the hearing and deaf issues and the lack of ASL usage. Of course Clyde didn't take the news well. We agreed to take a break and see if we can work on our friendship because if we cannot enjoy each others company, whats the point of being together? Granted a lot of things happened in both of our lives, (moving to new apts, finishing grad school, starting a new business...) We just seem to take each other for granted and my feelings were, if I am this miserable now and its not even a year, what does the future hold? As cold as this sounds, but I rather be alone then be with someone and be miserable. We just went too fast and shouldve taken more time to get to know each other before becoming so attached and serious. Now we have no choice but to step back and retrace our steps. To make amends and see where the future takes us. I can not make any promises to anyone about anything, other than I am definitely taking a 1 month break from Clyde. This will allow me to think over whether or not I even want to be in a relationship? If I have the time to do so? I am still struggling to find my place here in NYC and be financially independent. So this is not one sided or anyone's fault, it just happened and now we must pick up the pieces, either together down the road, or by ourselves individually...

Yesterday I spent the day in my pjs, with a pint of ben and jerrys and popcorn. My friends, god bless em, they all either stopped by to visit me or emailed me periodically during the day. I am so lucky, and my family supports me as well. Baba ofc is very fond of Clyde but she wants whats best for both of us. I am glad no one is pressuring me to go one way or the other. I was mostly numb and in shock yesterday, today I am very subdued. My student could tell something was wrong as soon as I walked in the door. I guess my eyes are kinda swollen from the heartache. But I rather hurt some now than a lot later and I owe it to Clyde not to stay in an unhealthy way. We shouldn't be toxic to each other but supportative. Maybe our personalities are too strong and conflicting that it will never work? I don't know? I am distracting myself with cleaning, reading chick magazines, work and friends. According to part of my horoscope today it reads "Thoughts of love and romance may interfere with your ability to do your work effectively." gee, do you think?

My friend Karen sent this to me yesterday to support me "If he is meant to be, getting help will mend things... Just don't dwell on it now... And think the worse.... Think of thiis as a stepping stone to bigger and better things with or without... Give it to God.... You have no control over your destiny and just take an easy, use this time to focus on YOU, do your favorite things... Get involved in volunteering or making films...We are to be self complete without the man.... "

Ronnie was a sweetheart wrote "I think its hard to become friends only after a relationship of love commitment but you definitley can build a friendship while in the love commitment because you don't have to wonder what is the appropriate thing to do as a "friend"...is a kiss ok? Is a touch ok? That also adds strain....(later she wrote) What are you going to treat your wounds to when you get out of bed? A good movie or a fave snack?
Hugs"

Someone else wrote this and I thought it was an excellent observation and an insight to our problems "he never liked your friends and I think he would have been glad to separate you from them and, perhaps, the entire deaf community. That's a lot to ask someone to give up." Sometimes I feel like Clyde just wants me and only me in his life and everyone comes in distant 3rd, 4th. To me, that is too isolating. My LTR in the past was isolating bc my ex didnt like me to talk to anyone about my problems. So I kept them inside and it ate away at me. I don't do that anymore but I am not sure if Clyde can handle how many people I care for and are a major part of my life. I have lots of love to give and my home is always welcome to my friends and family. I don't want to be shut off from the world. I am not saying thats what he wants either but I noticed some couples its all about them and no one else. While other couples love having friends stop by and taking up bbqs etc etc. I am in the latter. I wonder if Clyde will ever enjoy lots of people at once? His experience within the Deaf community didn't help him with any popularity contest because he felt they criticize him for his lack of signing. Plus he reads a lot of BS online written by deafies and I am like, you cannot use that to judge deaf people as a whole. If he took the time to really communicate with my friends (which would mean using ASL regularly) he would see the wonderful qualities we have. My friends are very kind and open, so I hope that will change as well.

Since I am kinda in a depressed mood, I decided to list quotes and advice about love below, guess I got carried away, but I love a good quote!

Victor M. Garcia Jr.
Love is like the truth, sometimes it prevails, sometimes it hurts.

Anais Nin
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Barbara De Angelis
Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.

Carl Jung
Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

William Shakespeare
The courses of true love never did run smooth.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only way to have a friend is to be one.

Elie Wiesel
Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.

Amy Tan
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

Sophocles
"Wisdom outweighs any wealth."

Friedrich Nietzsche
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

Mother Teresa
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. (How TRUE!)

Ella Wheeler Wilcox
All love that has not friendship for its base,
Is like a mansion built upon the sand.

Katharine Hepburn
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Felix Adler
Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.

Paul Tillich
The first duty of love is to listen.

Pearl S. Buck
A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love.

Sir Arthur Pinero
Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.

Jay Leno
You cannot be mad at someone who makes you laugh -- how simple is that?

Song of Solomon
This is my beloved and this is my friend. (I read this at Blondie's wedding in 2001)

William Wordsworth
The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best parts of a person's life.


The ones below are Anonymous

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.

Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. (this is what I want and I feel is missing the most)

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Regardless on whether or not we get back together, I am a better person for have knowing him. -ME