My Ambition And Grief Do Not Mix

It's been a rough go at work this school year. Before Mom got sick so suddenly I was ready to take my program to the next level. With having attended that 5 day conference in Salt Lake City, it lit a fire in me. I had plans,  I was ready to conquer! And be more accessible with my large number of instructors.

But death came and took it all away.

Now I am anti social,  still give 100% in my teaching and lesson plans. But most of my program coordinator responsibilities are on hold. I am involved in a few small work related projects so I'm not slacking off. But the truth of the matter is,  I am bereft and will be for a while.  And teaching primarily right now is about all that I can handle. I'm fortunate my boss is the BEST! A week ago before Thanksgiving I tried to reassure her that spring semester I'd be better [at my job] but she shook her head no.  Said it will be a long time before I'm okay. She's right.

Still I struggle with feeling guilty for not doing a "better" job. But there's no reason for me to feel this way. I'm well within norms to not be who I was before my Mom died. I continue to work on this, why my faulty thinking won't allow me to cut myself a break?

Nonetheless I'm very proud of myself for working my way up and being driven and dedicated to my career.  I know my Mom was too! The Saturday afternoon she was in the ER with my uncle D... she met a technician there.  So two nights later Monday when I called 911, and we were in the ER, the same technician was there again. My Mom wasn't in her right mind when he came in but he remembered her.  Then asked me if I was J...? a college professor? etc etc... he told me how proud my Mom was of me and talked up a storm about me <3

Maybe if I try to remind myself,  a year from now it will all be different. Perhaps that will alleviate some of my self criticism? Only time will tell.

"I still love you the best" ALWAYS

This year's Thanksgiving was a quiet one without my Mom.  She kept the conversations going. I still miss her that it aches.

She used to end her emails with "I still love you the best" the story goes somewhere in my childhood while my Mom was mothering one of my friends. And in my mind I thought she liked [loved] them more than me.  So after I asked her one day about that,  she replied "I will always love you the best!"

And for many years in fact decades she often ended her emails that way.

This Tuesday will be 11 weeks,  but I lost her 13 weeks ago. The night I had to call 911 marked the beginning of the end. And despite a short conscious period,  she was never 100% herself.  One day she be overly accommodating saying she do whatever she needed to get better again. Then the next day she be uncooperative to the nursing staff.  I don't blame her! She suffered a lot at their hands. Not that I fault them, well I kind of do! Specifically the nurses on the 4th floor really fucked up. But the ICU nurses were great.

I'm glad, thankful (pun intended) that Thanksgiving is over. The 2nd of many firsts for the next year...I hate it. And so it goes

10,000 Miles

By Mary Chapin Carpenter

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10, 000 miles

10, 000 miles
My own true love
10, 000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

Tuesdays And I Aren't Friends Anymore

Today marks 9 weeks since my Mom died. Tuesdays and I aren't friends anymore.
I have only been talking to a few close friends and family. I have a lot of friends especially a few who also lost their Moms. But as much as I want to reach out to them,  it seems like too much effort. I was never one with boundless energy but since my Mom died, my fatigue level is amplified. Social interaction on a superficial level or for long periods of time isn't ideal for me these days. It just seems harder and harder to not become further withdrawn and antisocial. Often I just want to be left alone from 95% of the people I come across. This isn't like me normally.

Growing Pains

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

– Kim McMillen

Staying Present

Someone wrote about their response to grief "I have to stay in the present time or I can't hold it together"
That about sums it up. Tonight makes it 6 weeks since Mom died. Right about this hour I was asked if I wanted to maintain DNR for her? And after learning all the facts and seeing her rapid decline within that hour and a half after I arrived at 8pm, I said yes maintain DNR.
They turned off all the machines and monitors 2 hrs from now at 11:30pm, at 11:40pm, she died.
Every Tuesday since then has been the worst day of every week. 
I miss her so much

Deconstructing Mom's Place

It's been hard slowly deconstructing my Mother's home. On the one hand every time a family or friend takes one of Mom's things I feel good they're taking a little of Mom home with them. However, it's bittersweet to see my Mom's home becoming less and less hers. With each picture I take off the wall or small piece of furniture is out of place, it hurts. I do it in small weekly dosages. Every Saturday afternoon I'm here. I have 2 to 3 weekends left to finish with it all. It will be hard to say goodbye to a home I've been coming to for almost 14 years! Just 1 year longer than I in NYC.
Oh well as Mom would say "J....  it is what it is"

Grief update

I managed to get back to sleep this morning for a few hours...
This coming Tuesday will be 4 weeks since Mom died.  I have been extremely antisocial at work last week and know I'll be so again this week. I don't want to be bothered by anything beyond my job.  I don't want to deal with the co workers and all the extra stuff that I do.
I find my mind to be like a broken record especially when I'm alone or sleeping my mind plays endless loops of Mom. I try to think of other things but to no avail. The crying spells comes and goes. I don't mind,  I'm not going to try to bury my grief, only live thru it.
My Mom's cat Callie is now mine. It makes me happy that Mom knows her cat is with me and will be taken care of for the rest of her kitty life.
I also feel tired and achy all the time. With the dark winter months ahead, I'm worried I'll fall into a major depressive episode.
I'm not sure why I wrote all this but I needed to vent.

The Logistics of Death

I have this month of October to go through Mom's things and what to put into storage etc etc..

I got a lot done at Mom's place yesterday with her kitchen and bathroom. Plus my childhood best friend Paula along with Uncle David made the afternoon bearable. It's so hard to be in her home and she's not there. And painful to slowly deconstruct her home. She lived there for almost 14 years! This was one of my homes and I know with each passing weekend,  I will have to say goodbye to my Mom's place.

Sitting on my Mom's couch yesterday made me ache for her presence so much. We spent many moments in her living room talking, eating, watching tv or movies.  I miss her so much.

Woke up at 5:15am with thoughts of Mom.. Hope to get back to sleep some in a while.

I am also ashamed that I never knew the depth of my love for my Mom until she was gone.

Parent loss grief support

On FB I've joined a support group for those who have lost a parent and it's so helpful. And sad to read other people's heartbreaks.
One woman lost her father and gave him CPR for 20 minutes but he still died last Feb and she feels alone and guilty.
I wrote this as my reply
"My Mom died 2 weeks ago and I was with her at the end. There's a quote that sums up how we feel "if love could have saved you, you would've lived forever" so know we are but fragile and insignificant human beings, mortally flawed but our hearts knows no bounds. Someone wrote the day after my Mom died "grief is love with no where else to go" so know that yours and my grief is just like our hearts with no limits. May you find some comfort with your friends and love ones and vent here anytime. Gentle hugs"
I've been gliding video msgs with friends and am blessed with a great job and co worker support system. Being in this FB grief support group helps me to realize that I am not alone with my grief. And that compared to some who have no one, I am lucky to have so many friends and family that loves me and keeps me from falling to my knees and giving up.

I'm still here, kind of...

Yesterday marks 2 weeks since my Mom died and I'm still struggling so much. All of these memories come rushing back to me and EVERYTHING is a huge effort. I'm dreading going back to work next Monday and dealing with so many people. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. But instead I wake up in random intervals to memories of Mom and my heart keeps breaking off into little shards that cut my soul and spirit. Life without her seems unbearable.
Baba, my 91 year old grandmother, my Mom's mom has been a great source of comfort to me and I to her.
Yet all I do lately is overeat, cry. watch the show "6 feet under" and try to pass the hours so I can go back to sleep.
I try to be comforted by my cat Rosie Nova and my Mom's cat Callie Maui Wowie, who's now mine. But all the joy is no where to be found. I can't get over the future and all the plans we still had and how it's all GONE and I'll never see her again.

"Alive or just breathing?"

Saw the quote In used for the title of my post today. I'm here but not really,  my mind is like a broken record that screams to me in random intervals, Mom is DEAD.

There will be no more specially made birthday cakes, or favorite meals prepared just for me. No more lunches out together, or playing Skipbo or Acey Deucey. No one to watch rom-coms Netflix DVDs or Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy in which Mom knew 85% or more of the answers to. No more corny jokes she heard at the doctor's office or list of errands for me to drive Mom around to. No more holding her hand when there was a big step up or down somewhere, or buying the same pairs of shoes at Payless or cat treats at Wal-Mart for Mom's "spoiled brat" at home,  her ever "demanding royalty" kitty Callie. No more bringing Mom hot honey balls from the Greek bazaar in November or Passover dinner in the spring with Baba and uncle David. No one to sing songs with in the car or make rude remarks about idiot drivers waiting for "a hand engraved invitation" or someone "taking their car for a walk." Or pulling into a great parking spot and remarking "it's the Perlis' luck!" We always get good spots. No more recited recipes or beautifully spoken poetry or Shakespeare. No more sweet smiles and hearing her say "I love you the best" or "I love you to pieces" just a lot of no mores in my future and I'm having a terrible time feeling alive anymore. I'm not suicidal but I'm here kind of.

I'm dreading going back to work next week. My job requires a lot of communications with numerous people and I just don't have any thoughts left to give. I want to be left alone and only feel okay with my family and close friends and I feel like the laws of gravity changed, EVERYTHING is an effort. Both Baba and I  are both deep in mourning. My Mom passed away 3 weeks ago tmw, the memorial service was on Saturday 2 days ago and I'm still an empty shell of who I used to be.

Mom's Memorial

My Mom's Memorial turned out beautifully. And all the people that mattered and cared about her came yesterday. It was a bittersweet gathering and I was honored to be able to give my Mother a proper farewell.
But my heart doesn't know how to say goodbye, only knows the ache of her absence has left me. My mind jumps through decades of memories of my Mom, my childhood and all the wonderful years we had together. I know eventually the pain will subside but not anytime soon nor should it.

Unicorns carousels

In less than 12 hrs, I'll be in the middle of my Mother's Memorial Service. I have recently did the last photo of MANY for her Memory board.

My mind in many ways still cannot process a life without Mom in it. When it finally does, I'm more depressed than before.

I miss my Mom so much! I love how the few knick knacks that she did have are unicorns, 3 of them are carousels with unicorns. Too sweet, that's my Mom <3

Autopiloting Through Life

Soon to meet with my Aunt Nancy to make my Mom's memory board for tmw's Memorial Service.
I take it 1 hr at a time.  I have periods of normalcy that sometimes dissolves into a hot pile of tears and other times it's a stiffled or doesn't quite reach the service almost cry or I think of it more like a dry cry.
My focus is still shit, can barely sit thru a tv show or movie, with the exception of Star Trek TNG or Voyager. Both Baba and I watch those and we've started to watch Six Feet Under.
I go thru a lot of motions and often to my surprise I finished whatever I've started, didn't even know it.  A lot of "autopiloting" in my life right now.
I also spend vast amounts of time just thinking about and remembering what a great Mom I had.  How sorry I am she's not here, how much I loved her and miss her smiles and voice. I mourn for the future memories that we were cheated of. 

Day 5 of life without Mom

Today is day 5, sleep still mostly rosters eludes me. Waking up is so damn hard. Knowing today is another day without my Mom. And then I can't breathe, the hot tears rolling down and I just lie in bed, what else can I do? You can't go around grief only thru it. I really hate waking up!

Yesterday I changed my profile pic to my Mom and was so pleased how many people told me she's beautiful.  She spent most of my life feeling unattractive. You see my Mom had a very hard life, she had a bad accident before I was born that left her with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and overcame many obstacles was successful in her life. And she was beautiful both on the outside and within.

My Mom loved me to pieces

Someone on a FB grief support group wrote
"Grief is love with no where to go"
Sleep still eludes me most nights. I've been awake since 530am, Baba since 6am. She's gotten more sleep than I but then again she's more than twice my age. I can't imagine being 91 years old and losing my daughter who was 1 day shy of turning 65. Watching my Mom take her last breath has haunted Baba since. She remarked everytime she closes her eyes that's all she sees. Seeing Mom die doesn't haunt me just her being dead and never getting to see her smile again and tell me she still loves me the best does.

I've asked everyone that if they still have parents or caregivers to be sure to hug them and tell them you love them. It is a privilege to be able to do so.

The last few days

The mornings are still really bad for me. It feels like I can't breathe.

I dread going to her apartment to go thru her things.

I can't be alone much and seek solace with my family in real life and my friends via video msgs, texts and emails.

I am insanely jealous of people who's Moms are still here and I hope they know not to take their mothers for granted.

I don't even want to feel better,  in doing so, it makes me feel like I would be trivializing the impact and the large hole in my heart, in my world.

Fire and Rain

There's a song by James Taylor called Fire and Rain

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"

Baba mentioned this song to me a few times since Mom passed and it brings tears to my eyes.

The grief and devastation comes in waves. I don't how to live without my kind, sweet Mother here. The joy in my life is gone for now and I doubt it will be back anytime soon.

Today my mother's obituary will show up in the paper. My Mom is dead, this isn't just some horrible dream that I can rouse myself awake. This is far worst,  this is my new reality. My sunshine is gone.

Humpty Dumpty

Death has a way of making everything much more clear. I know what's important and what's bullshit and I don't have time for the latter.
Losing my Mother 2 days ago has left me devastated. We still had so much left to say, do and look forward to. It's agony at times to be awake. Yet sleep eludes me,  the one thing that helps me escape the pain and I'm struggling as always with sleep.
No good comes from losing a parent you loved so much,  especially when they're one of your most favorite people in the whole wide world.
Baba helped me write Mom's obituary yesterday, what a horrid thing to have to do!
I loved my Mom so much, I loved her more than the moon and stars, I loved her from near and far. She was my Mom and I miss her terribly. I feel like Humpty Dumpty today

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Popularity is overrated

In the last 6 months to 1 year I've learned who my TRUE friends are. And sadly some I thought were my real friends were really just users or negative vampires or attention whores. I feel despondent that loyalty counts for nothing these days. That some people are perfectly content to take and take and take.  There must be a reasonable balance when it comes to friendships. I'm just not seeing that much lately.
I know I've changed a lot in terms of being less of a people pleaser and more about standing up for myself. And perhaps that makes me less popular than before.  But that's okay. Popularity is overrated.
Out with the old and on with the new as they say...