Derailment!

My life in the last 5 years has completely gone off the rails. While I may enjoy some career successes and advancements my home life has been in shambles. Never knowing if I'll get to stay or have to go. 

Breaking my ankle last August was hard but I'm so happy today I walked without a limp!

This year's holidays with my Sweetie has not gone well at all. I'm very disappointed. It is what it is. 

I just keep trying to move forward but the stress of an unstable home life has taken a tremendous toll on me. Either way it is coming to an end. 

I'm more than ready to say goodbye to 2022! 

Microagression Ugh!

Sigh I'm debating whether to confront a colleague about their acts of micro agression. Twice now in a public settings they said things that made me look bad. And while that may not be their intention, I'm not okay with it. 

I think next week Monday I'll email and let them know that from here on out. They need to refrain from speaking about me and their personal opinions on how I do my job in public settings. If they have concerns or feedback they can do it in private to me! But today when I shared a concern they jumped on board and then tells me to be patient! Uh first off I don't need you to tell me to be patient when I've been at my job 10 years longer than you have! And I don't need you to take over for me either while I'm trying to share my concerns!

The worst thing is they say they want to collaborate more! They have looked down at me from the git go! So I'm not sure why all of a sudden they're trying to be buddy buddy with me. I can't stand hyprocrits. I trust this individual as far as I can throw them! 

A Little M&M Humor

Spotted on Facebook earlier today in the comment section that was hilarious!

Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one m&m cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab the other m&m, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of m&m gladiators. I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is only one m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with the champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: "Please use this m&m for breeding purposes."

Happy Friday!

Nigel Kamm, Tough As Nails

Talk about coincidences.

While my uncle David was here in town. We decided to binge watch the TV show "Tough As Nails" first season. In I think the 5th episode the contestant Lia Mort mentioned her nephew Nigel committed suicide a while back from being bullied.

I immediately stopped the episode and said to David, could it be the same Nigel, his son Bobby's best friend from my home town who committed suicide in 2008? I mean really? How many Nigels do you know? Sure enough, Lia is from Lititz, PA! Nigel's father Andy owns a record store and was friends with my Mom while I was growing up. I remember Andy had a pet Rat too! https://www.recordconnectionpa.com/ 

Then in elementary school my nephew Bobby became best friends with Nigel! 

I'll never forget I was working in media services at the Teachers College when Baba informed me by text Nigel had died by suicide and there was no warning. Bobby said they rode the bus home and would see each other the next day. Bobby was crushed by his death. 

Evidently uncle David said Nigel was a sensitive soul and an easy target to bully! And Bobby has never quite gotten over losing his best friend in middle school. I sadly never had the chance to meet Nigel, but I heard about him all the years he and Bobby spent together.

I still think of Nigel every Thanksgiving because it occurred shortly after Thanksgiving before Christmas in 2008.

It was so nice to see and hear Nigel's name immortalize by the TV show. Now millions of people know Nigel's name and how his life mattered to his family, his aunt Lia and my family and many others! 

And now you too become a witness, a testimony of Nigel's impact on the world. 

We need to say their names, the ones who died at their own hands. They are not forgotten! Remember his name, Nigel Kamm!

https://www.snyderfuneralhome.com/obituary/nigel-sage-kamm/ 

https://lancasteronline.com/obituaries/nigel-sage-kamm/article_3b6da650-4b88-5bbe-8679-6e6bc9c5b03f.html 

I Still Love You The Best!

Today marks 5 years since you passed away Mom and I have missed you every single one of those days! There is so much I miss about you.  Your jokes, playing skipbo and acey deucey which no one else knows how to play! Homemade birthday cakes, your cooking, you reciting poetry from memory, going out to run errands together and our yearly trips to Red Lobster with Baba. I still feel cheated you departed so soon! I love you forever and a day! As you would say to me "I still love you the best!"

On The Mend

Today or tonight will mark 4 weeks since I broke my ankle. Last night I hobbled a few blocks to cvs and back home and was wiped out! It is a slow recovery but I'm getting better! I no longer use any mobile aids like computer chair with wheels or knee scooter! But the walking boot is just too heavy and I'll be using the splint when I go out anywhere!

The swelling has gone down a lot along with the bruising. I think I'm healing quite nicely. 

I really appreciate the support and love I got from my friends who checked in on me often.

I'm hoping by October to be back to my old self!

In the meantime I plan to order walking sticks! This was the 2nd time I fell in a 1 year period and I can't be falling again! Parkinson runs in my family and one of the earliest symptoms is shuffling and not picking up your feet high enough! I'm not sure I'll see the rheumatologist on the 20th right before I see ortho that same day and office. I pray my next xray shows I'm healing! I don't want surgery!

Life In The Woods

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.

-Henry David Thoreau

My Mom loved this poem. I miss her reciting poetry to me, both she and Baba often did.

The Society

From Netflix's The Society a modern 'Lord of the Flies" type of series which was sadly canceled due to the pandemic 

"Even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until in our own despair and against our will comes wisdom by the awful grace of God." It's a quote by Aeschylus, an ancient Greek tragedian, and what the quote asks of the audience is to look inward at times of tragedy and examine how you got to this place; it's about not looking for revenge for one's suffering, but about learning from it.

This summer was up until the end of July a really great! Played in 2 different Deaf Poker tournaments. Got my work done by the end of June and met with my teachers the remainder of the summer as well as a few interviews and hiring. I love my job!

Then end of July I got some upsetting news. Fast forward 2 weeks later I broke my ankle! Gah! I immediately fell into a pit of despair and it took a while to rebound from that. I'm still slowly getting back on track. 

Today I finished my fall syllabus and class schedule and caught up on work emails so today despite being labor day I worked the afternoon.

Not much else new to report other than I miss my Mom and Baba so much. No one loves you like your family (that's if you're lucky to have a good and loving family)! Some of the nicest people I know had terrible parents! And I feel sorry for anyone who wasn't told how much they were loved by! I sure was and it has to be enough til I get to be with them again. 

Sweet Valley High Books

The other night I had a dream with a teenage girl who I don't know. I only remembered that she showed me she had bought some Sweet Valley High books and I remarked that I still have mine at home and even the ones based on middle school and she remarked that's so cool! And I was going to show her my copies... that's all I can recall. 

In other news I had a BLAST at my first Deaf Poker Tournament in Philly a few weeks ago. I came in 1st among the ladies only tournament. I know my Mom be so proud of me! And it was fun to see people's reactions to my post about winning, many didn't even know I know how to play or that I've been playing since age 12!

Last night I watched the last episode of the series "This Is Us" and was bawling through out the finale. Baba loved that show and remarked that it was the best series on TV and she was right! It was triggering to watch the last episode and I cried for missing both my Mom and Baba!

In terms of my job, it is going well and keeping me busy with modifying the new curriculum, assessing ASL students and interviewing and hiring new teachers. I love my job immensely!

No Love For Blondie

When I cut ties with Blondie almost 5 years ago come this fall. I did it out of self preservation. There were many times when I would be driving home and wanting to stop and see Eddie but because of Blondie I didn't. I regret that a lot now. 

Because Eddie died suddenly from a heart attack 💔. And it was like losing family to me! I tried to repair things with Blondie as we had had a 20 year friendship up till the time my Mom died.

She had already been acting shady for months and both my Mom and Baba stated she doesn't know how to be a friend and they were right. I was blind all these years I guess especially the few years up to when I cut her off from my life she had been a crappy friend. Stating I only got promoted to FT because I kissed ass etc etc. Smh no stupid,  I actually care about the program and my students and my teachers and so on. I was always happy for her on her milestones such as getting married, buying a house, finishing grad school with me. Albeit with my,  Eddie's, Baba's and Mom's help without us she never would have finished her thesis. She pretty much plagiarized her work so I would go and fix it for her a lot etc.. 

And she was kind of becoming an alcoholic. I wonder if she's sober now but highly unlikely. And man is she a nasty spiteful person when she's drunk! But I still loved and cared about her for many years. 

So when Eddie's death happened I tried to repair things and for a while we were talking but then the Loser got her manipulative claws on Blondie and then it was no communication at all!

I finally just told her why I cut her off and it felt good to get it off my chest years later. The fucked up part was when she accused me of taking advantage of her grief. WTF? in no way was I taking advantage of anything and I didn't know how to proceed because she just stopped the lines of communication with me so shrugs. Sigh they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions which is very true. I tried to step up knowing what it is like to lose someone you love suddenly but somehow I'm the bad guy. It gets old being the scapegoat instead of Blondie and the Loser owing up to their own mistakes 

I am not perfect and I have no problem apologizing and moving forward but other people rather hold a grudge so be it!

Dear Loser Part 2

Dear a$$hole crazy lady! Quit backstabbing me! You invited your boyfriend Jeff whom I never met until the summer I visited you in Detroit. You offered to get smokes and I said at the time it wasn't necessary but YOU INSISTED like you always do and then turn around and expect to be reciprocated when in fact I didn't need it and I had no way of contacting Jeff, YOU DID.  You introduced me and then goaded me into saying that he was cute. And then twisted it into some insane story! I never wanted Jeff and the only thing I was EVER GUILTY OF was asking him to help you as the mother of his child and you both at the time seem to be getting along!

Fast forward a year or two later and we made plans to go to NYC and SC/NC. I went through a lot of trouble to find places to sleep and even paid for an Airbnb that you never used! You invited Jeff on to our plans. I even said that I would adjust if that's something YOU WANTED? and evidently you did! That was a huge turn off and I didn't want to be trapped in a car with you, Jeff and your son at that time! Too stressful! 

After that ended, you are at me about money and how much you spent! Hello no one told you to take a trip you couldn't afford! I even sent you money and wrote a reference letter for you to go back to school and what thanks I get, you making me out to be the bad guy! Guess what hun no one can save you but yourself! I told you repeatedly to call the police if you felt in danger. But you are too busy mooching off of your family and friends. You even told me in SC you wouldn't mind having another baby with Jeff as you guys make cute babies. Your words not mine!

I was in NYC how the hell was I going to save you? If you really feared for your life as you say you do then call the police! 

But enough is enough, move the fuck on. Stop hating me as it only serves you not me. I could care less what you think of me you fucking leech and user!

To The Loser Who Has Nothing Going For Them

A certain individual needs to stop backstabbing me via social media! Not cool and only shows your true colors, a loser who accuses anyone with the XY chromosome of rape! Makes up lies and believes their lies. Smh, defamation is real and sueable. Grow up! Owe up to the fact the very person you said is abusing you is the same person who you said makes cute babies with you and you wouldn't mind another one! Then cries rape, abuse and it is up to me to solve your crisis! I told you over and over again, if you fear for your life call the police and let the chips fall where they may. Even if that means losing a place to live that you are sponging off of your family, not paying a dime and whinning still years, decades later about whatever injustice you thought happened (and probably didn't because your mind warps things beyond reality)! 

Get a grip, having babies doesn't take a genius to do. Monkeys make babies all the time, not miraculous or awe inspiring. It was the only thing you are able to do even that I question if your kids will ever grow up normal with you as their parent. You never finished college, you made grandiose plans not attainable, you used me over and over again until I blocked you. 

Move on, oh right you can't. Forever stuck in endless loops of anyone who managed to get away from you! 

Befriending The Ex's Wife

Earlier this morning I dreamt about my 1st ex and his on and off again wife and near the end of the dream I befriended the wife! In the beginning of the dream I am sitting with my ex and another girl not his wife. I ask him about his Facebook profile photo joking who was he supposed to be because his wife is dressed like Mortician Addams! I don't recall his answer but he was basically telling me he can't wait to get away from his wife for good and date the woman next to him. I responded (ironically this is happening now irl) that I noticed his ex wife is constantly posting Facebook to his best friend! And in fact she just visited him but I'm not sure if my ex was with her or not? He has the look of "see what I'm dealing with?" I nod and then I see his wife and he is acting like everything is okay with them. A little while later I know his wife is alone all by herself in another room while my ex is busy with the other woman. I feel bad for her so I come into the room and she's lying belly down on the bed and looks up at me. I signed that I thought we should be friends and that we had a lot in common not just my ex. She at first is leery but agrees. 

Then next thing I can remember is I'm in the back of a cab with my ex and his wife is sort of sitting in his lap. And I say to them I hope they get remarried again especially for their kids. I know while saying this it is the exact opposite of what my ex wants but I guess I don't care and actually find myself sympathizing with the wife! Her face beamed when I said they ought to get remarried.

Lol then another dream before or after the one above.  

I'm at some kind of an amusement park with a group of people who I know in the dream but no clue irl were being harassed by pro Trumpers and the fact we were using masks! At one point I got fed up and flipped them the bird with both fingers! Then my group and their menacing group are facing each other but about 20 feet away with some kind of low gate separating the groups that was grass and bushes etc and the 1 girl in the front is signing furiously at us and I recognize her as a classmates from MSSD name Christy E... and I sign to her wait wait it is me from MSSD! And she doesn't recognize me and I lower my mask and she realizes who I am and we both start signing we agreed to disagree and go our merry way! As I'm leaving I sign the ILY hand to her! So funny we were arguing till we knew each other then agreed to disagree! And irl she is not a Trump lover!

My Country Of Sin! aka USA 🇺🇸

It is amazing to me how many casinos have opened up over the years. The last time I went to AC was 20 some years ago with my Mom also a poker player, she's the one who taught me <3 

I've been a gambler since around 10 years old when I would play with my Mom's friends weekly poker games and the two of us were the only women playing! In fact I can't ever remember a game with another woman! It wasn't til I started playing at a Deaf club monthly poker games a few years back. That I saw other women playing!

Anyhow back then my Mom and I would stop by the bank for 2 rolls of quarters and a bunch of $1. And back then we used real money not poker chips like today. And back then it wasn't legal! It was hush hush! I sure miss the gang, Joe Kesse, Michael "Mike" Thompson both who are dead now, and a cute guy name Bob I think that was his name? He had strawberry blond hair and I was in love with him! He also took me on one of my first early dates at 16 when he was like 21 or 22! I was so nervous i was shaking!? And of course my favorite one Eric "hot 🌭 dog!" players. I'll never forget the joke he made up, "How do you hide the 3 wise men in the desert? You camel-flauge (camouflage) them! *groans I know terrible right!* also when we played poker we played many versions of it not like today's obsession with Texas Hold'em version which annoys me to no end! I mean there's so many different ways to play

There's 

-7 card stud or wild

-5 card draw stud or wild

-Criss cross that had the shared open cards in a criss cross

- High low,  roll your own something about the player picking to play either high or low and if you had it you got to split the pot

- Up the river, down the river where I think that's like Texas Hold'em today but the middle card was wild and I think we turned the cards 1 by 1 not 3, then 1, then 1.

- Black Jack

And I'm sure I'm forgetting a few other versions sadly. 

We were the core players (My Mom,  Eric, Joe,  Mike, Bob and me) and on occasion one of us would bring a friend or two to join the game for the night. I bought Paula with me many times too. It would go on for 5 to 7 hours a night! I got to drink beer Old Milwaukee which I enjoyed. 

Mike Thompson would often near the end of the night play and deal Black Jack with the rest of the players! And if I would run out of my money early he would occasionally slip me another 20 to play! Such a good guy, my earliest memory of him is at Park City Mall arcade before they renovated it in the early 80s. There was a ice rink in the mall basement that was later used as a flea market where I would buy my knock off Jordache (sp?) purses and mechanical flipping dog and other early 80s junk that kids would buy!

Anyways Mike was a pinball player and my Mom and him were friends before I was born so he knew me all my life. I don't know when he died but it wasn't a surprise he was a heavy smoker and I think a drinker too but I'm not sure on that? I recall vaguely he would pass out sometimes?

My Mom <3 was the coolest Mom in the 🌎 world. I miss her terribly!

I'll never forget at one game around the age of 16 or 17, one of the guy players was a state trooper and there was a few joints passed around also very illegal and hush hush! I looked at my Mom in disbelief and the police officer assured us he was off the clock and wasn't going to narc! And I think he toked up too! 

I thank my Mom for making me such a good card player and gamer and pool player. She taught me what was consider traditionally "boys" things back then which today is much more equal among the several genders. I think that contributed to my Tomboy behavior 🤔?

So back to the title of this post. 

They say there's 7 deadly sins right? pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. All of these are in abundance in today's standards compared to 30 years ago. America is truly a puritan gentile country with roots deeply entwined with Christianity and the braches of Christianity! It is no wonder all that repression has lead to the very things the religion is concerned over! Crazy!!! *shrugs*

30 years ago weed, gambling, sexuality identification, constant eating out, or eating processed foods or overeating, the need for chronic instances meaning everything has to be right now and not later. I'm guilty of this too! I love Google and some of the other formerly taboos mentioned above! And for better or for worse I'm proud to be an American and have done pretty well for myself all things considered!

2022 The Year of the Money!

Well my new years has started off rather well! On Jan 2nd I won $800 playing slots with a comp card given to me at the casino! I have never played slots before but man am I hooked!

Then last night out I decided to check out a different casino accessible by public transportation and won another $400 making my total win $1200 and the year has just begun! I figured I would try to see how much of my winnings can I make grow until 2023?

My general rule for the slots is to risk losing up to $300, or $100 per machine! And if I make any money beyond the initial $100 then put that money aside. I didn't do that originally and in fact lost the $300 and decided to withdraw another $180 and ended up coming home with $980, $180 goes back to my checking account. The other $700 includes the $300 that I began with and $400 extra!

I like the machines that allow for extra spins or bonus winnings those are a lot of fun! I avoided the poker machines like 5 card draw or black jack. I never do well with those machines but slots oh my so fun!

In other news I had a lovely visit with my Sweetie last week and rested a lot! I am starting to feel a teeny tiny bit better. I've only been on the anti depressant for 2 weeks now and it usually takes 4-6 weeks to notice the difference. But the time off from teaching has been restorative in many ways. Less stress equal less depression it seems?

It was a lovely snow storm overnight, leaving the casino at 5am and seeing the snow wonderland always makes me happy. Too bad a lot of it has already melted by the late afternoon. 

Not sure what I'll do for the rest of today? Laundry? Tidy up the bedroom? No clue and what's nice is I have the time to chill and go at my own pace.

Let's see how I do the remainder of the 2022 year in terms of winning?!?