Right now I am so sick of myself and my funky mood. I wish I could just get the hell away from myself and my pissy mindset full of negative thoughts and bad clouds. I am just reeling from the recent bad misfortune that took my 10 years worth of film work and poof its gone. All due to inconsiderate greedy bitch and her minions. There were many mistakes made and both I and Baba paid a dear price for it. I truly feel robbed or scammed and I feel helpless to to get things righted or satisfactory answers and to be compensated for my loss and for Baba not to be ripped off any more than she already has been. The worst part is this all started at the beginning of my 'spring break' and my 1st real visit to Baba's new home so it cast a dark shadow on everything all weekend and basically rained on our parade. I must add tho I was very happy to see Baba so healthy and doing much better at her new home than she did at her old home. I let her know I noticed it and didn't see her use her cane once so it was the right decision that she made to move and I am so relieved.
I am next to tears daily and the best way I can describe the feelings is akin to someone who lost valuable mementos in a house fire (which I did as well, numerous childhood and family photos and letters along with my original works). It leaves you feeling so violated and in a pit of despair. I don't place much value on most material items other than my car, photos, my films and written work. Books, household goods, furniture and most decor (I am not talking about one of a kind or antiques) can be replaced. I know its not the end of the world and there are far worst things to have happen to me but recently in the past year its been one setback after another and last fall I was so depressed I didn't think I ever recover! But I did and now here I am again, right back to being an emotional walking wreck and my nerves are shot. I feel like I am liable to go off for the littlest reasons which is never good. I am making a major effort not to be around others this week as I don't need to be a debbie downer and ruin their good times.
For the 1st time since my breakup I have wished I had a boyfriend, someone to kiss me and make me feel better and hold me tight while the chips are down. But I don't and I certainly don't want someone just for that reason but being alone and depressed right now just sucks.
And I slept like shit last night too (really since the whole thing started but last night was the worst!), first I couldn't fall asleep and then when I did it was fistful sleeping in which I was constantly waking up. Even today Baba noticed the dark circles under my eyes and that's not something that happens often. I mean sure I always have dark under my eyes cuz I am so pale and with year around allergies but it must've been bad today for her to remark so.
I am just glad that I did get my lesson plans done yesterday as today was a waste due to so little sleep and feeling lousy! I haven't been eating much either it has just destroyed my appetite!
I can't wait for this shitty mood to pass and hope going back to work this week helps alleviate some of it?
Well stay tuned to find out....
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Grids
The latest craze are photo grids. Here are two that I made :) One is titled 'My Neighbor's Front Yard' and the second one is called 'Many Moods of Tom'
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Thursday, March 08, 2012
What's your idea of Nirvana?
Sitting by an open window on a beautiful afternoon, knowing the work week is over for me. And feeling my cat purr as I relax a little is deAfinitely bliss!
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
"The first and the best victory is to conquer self." Plato
Sometimes people ask that cliche question "if you could have dinner with anyone famous alive or dead who would you pick?" in the past I often fumbled on the answer but recently I would say its a toss up between Plato or Confucius. Both in my opinion remarkable observers of human nature and our place within this Universe.
As of late my newest theme has been practicing even more self-discipline. So as per usual I found and went crazy with quotes , enjoy!
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~Confucius
If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. ~Napoleon Hill
The great end of education is to discipline rather than to furnish the mind; to train it to the use of its own powers, rather than fill it with the accumulation of others. ~Tyron Edwards
You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can. ~ Jimmy Carter
Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory. ~ Ghandi
It's not the work that's hard, it's the discipline. ~Anonymous
As of late my newest theme has been practicing even more self-discipline. So as per usual I found and went crazy with quotes , enjoy!
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~Confucius
If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. ~Napoleon Hill
The great end of education is to discipline rather than to furnish the mind; to train it to the use of its own powers, rather than fill it with the accumulation of others. ~Tyron Edwards
You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can. ~ Jimmy Carter
Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory. ~ Ghandi
It's not the work that's hard, it's the discipline. ~Anonymous
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Friday, March 02, 2012
Today was hearing aid free day!
Today I had no reason to don my hearing aid which is always a nice break. I am not one of those Deafies that either shun it completely or wear it compulsively. But it was a niae break. My life wasn't any more harder, just more peaceful.
Earlier tonight I got to film again, I am such a camera slut. The producer didn't bring the tripod so for the 1st hour & a half I winged it and we had nonstop auditions but then it started to burn, the muscles can only stand still for so long before they need release. Eventually I moved to the table and was able to prop my elbows. This allowed for more support and a lot less strain on my back. My producer promised me they will bring the tripod next time. I don't blame her its heavy and riding the subway and all. So anyways I will get to film a few more times this month so I am very excited! I love trying new angles which tonight I wasn't able to do but you bet during rehersals I WILL!
My work week was as usual really good! Other than the whole scheduling nightmare with one job (sadly its still ongoing!) I am fortunate to have jobs in this economy.
Been taking a trip down memory lane and watching Melrose Place. Man the clothes, hair etc etc sooo early 90s! Fun and cute drama soap opera! Plus to see which actors lasted and which ones faded into oblivion is fun too.
Part of me wants to be dancing this weekend but my piggy bank is squealing NO! The rent is due, got to be responsible and pinch more pennies. That's what I am doing. Making poor little cooper pennies cry :/ nah jk! (-.~) I only do that to nickels and dimes!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Obsessed with the tv show Obsessed!
So thanks to Kar-Man who informed me of phlixie website that let's you know what's available thru netflix with CC or English subtitles. I was able stumble upon bsessed! Wow this show leaves your jaw on the floor and your eyes glued! As an Intervention junkie this show is fascinating!
Glad Wednesday almost over. Tired & still a little displaced with the whole guest from hell fiasco! I look forward to tomorrow, it means one step closer to the weekend. w00t!Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Buh BYE guest from Hell!
Recently I have had kind of an upsetting past 24 hours. First my guest from hell and I had a major blow-out last night. Frankly I was fed up with her chronic inconsideration to anyone and her warped belief that somehow she is the center of the universe.
First when she asked to stay with me, I only wanted 3-4 days maximum but she talked me into letting her stay a week and would give me $100 which would have helped me out. Then once she arrived last Thursday I did try to give her a spare key because she is here in town for a 1 week conference. I thought it would be best if she had a key to come and goes as she pleases for the conference and also to free me up as well as I have just spent 6 weeks helping my grandmother prepared to move and then helped when she did move the weekend before last. This means I have had very little social life which is fine because family comes first but this past weekend was my 1st "fun" weekend I had in a while.
But my guest didn't want the spare key. Uh ok....then Thurs night we finally got out to meet my friend and go dancing but she ended up yakking away with my friend. Fine, no worries but then she wanted to go home earlier than I did but I figured fine I would have Friday night to play! Plus my guest wanted to meet me at a Deaf event Friday night around 6-7pm and then join us for our plans for the evening which involved stopping by to see my best friend. Then hitting Bar 13, then hitting my favorite club Ceilo! Well my guest text me to let me know she wasn't going to make it to the Deaf event due to dinner plans with fellow conference attendees. Ok I get that, no problem. She says she will meet me at Blondie's home but once I am there she lets me know she is still at the same restaurant. Fine, okay no problem. Now she says she will meet me at Bar 13, uh ok. The at Bar 13 once again she flaked out. Fine she want to meet me at Ceilo ok, I'm cool with that and was waiting for her to let me know she was on her way to Ceilo so me and my friends could meet her there. For 10 minutes I did not check my phone and then next thing I know I have 12 text messages with her freaking out saying she was at Ceilo and we weren't there and that she left and felt like she was in danger. First of all, she's white and in Manhattan and below 96th st. Any NYer will tell you there is no danger. Secondly where Ceilo is located, it is extremely well lit with many bars, restaurants etc etc so how she felt scared I'll never know because it wasn't some dark alley with crackheads shooting up and graffiti everywhere! So me and my friends RUSHED to meet her and she's all upset and my friend who arranged the evening is upset and now Ceilo free admission ended and we would have to pay $25 to get in and none of us really wanted to pay that. Plus my guest tells me she is ready to go home. I am like, wtf? I told her I wasn't and that I had made an effort to include her on 3 different things earlier that evening that I would not be going home for another hour. My friend Goddess Rose said lets take a cab back to Bar 13 where no cover and good music, people dancing. On the way back to Bar 13 I decided to just give my guest my set of keys and crash at Blondies for the night which she didn't mind. But I expected my guest to come to meet me the next day and give me back my keys.
Saturday comes and I had a great time dancing the night before, slept over at Blondies and my phone was DOA because no charger. I contacted my guest through FB since I couldn't text message her and I didn't get any replies. Goddess Rose did me a huge favor and text my guest to let her know my phone was dead and to check her FB messages. When my guest finally checked mid afternoon she informs me she can't read the message and for me to email her directly. So I emailed her and asked that she meet me by dinner time because I am still wearing the same clothes from the night before, no toothbrush and feeling tired and crummy. She doesn't reply and doesn't reply till after 6:40pm and then shes finally on her way to meet me. I am NOT happy now because all of this could've been avoided had she just taken the spare key! She doesn't even thank me for letting her take the keys etc etc and waiting for her all day Saturday! We get back to my apartment and I told her she has to take the spare key as I didn't want more of those kinds of problems. That same night she brings in a bottle of red wine that I had on hand and we had opened the night before. Understand she did not put the cork back in the bottle but brought it out to my living room sans cork and puts it on the coffee table on my off white rug! Somehow I must've hit the table or snagged the bottle and it goes flying all over my rug creating spirals. I jump up to grab cold water and salt to immediately soak up the RED wine off my OFF-WHITE carpet! I was able to get most of it out but there is a spiral stain on my rug that I just can't get rid of completely :( UGH!!!
Sunday comes and she goes to her conference that morning, meanwhile I slept in and worked on my lessons, and cooked 3 different meals to save money this week and to share with my guest. She comes back that afternoon and asks me to let her in the apartment because guess what? She LOST my spare key!!! Huh, wtf?! You're kidding me! How is that even possible and then she had the nerve to ask to borrow my set of keys. I told her NO WAY! If they were lost that's it! Come on you're crazy to even ask me. Then she asked me if I was okay with leaving my door unlocked? Again I am like are you out of your mind, this is the BRONX! Grr, but she offers to replace the key in which I explained that its not that easy or cheap to do. That the keys are specially made through whats called a copy card so without the 'master card' you can't make copies of the keys. Which makes sense in NYC as you don't want a million people being able to make copies of building keys etc etc..I told her at the very least it will be $75 but it can be as expensive as $175! She looked skeptical like maybe I was lying, uh whatever.
She had invited me to join her and fellow conference attendees at Hard Rock Cafe in Time Square last night but I wasn't interested. That is until I found out an old friend of mine who I am very fond of would be there so I felt it would be worth the visit and to show my guest support too. I explained to my guest I will be coming from NJ after eating dinner with Blondie and Red Hots and she was fine with that.
Yesterday morning was Monday and when I woke up to go to work she was on her way out. I went back to my bedroom to wake up some more with my Bastard Kitty Tom before starting my day and lucky for her I felt BANG BANG BANG through my mattress. At first I wondered if it was one of my neighbors blasting music which is quite common but I had a funny feeling it wasn't. I went to my front door to check and lo behold there she was she had forgotten something. I told her she was lucky I felt her banging and hadn't showered yet or else she would have been waiting 30-40 minutes.
Fast forward to late afternoon my guest text me to let me know the plans may have changed and I was to text her when I was on my way? Uh no thank you, I don't want to play tag especially in a car in Time Square. I was already feeling very put out by the whole visit and not at all like I had made a new genuine friend. Finally a few hrs later she says no its still on for Hard Rock Cafe so Blondie and I get there around 1030pm and that's late for me on a Monday. I already told my guest the day before I did not want to stay out late Monday as I work today and yesterday etc etc.. At Hard Rock Cafe it was great to see my friend Rusty and Goddess Rose also joined us there. At a different table there were about 10 Deafies sitting but I didn't know any of them and most were international. Cool, I sit at the 'VIP' table with Rusty, Blondie and Goddess Rose while my guest fluttered around with the others before finally sitting back down at our table with one guy who I will call RR. I immediately did not like RR and got bad vibes off of him. He is one of those arrogant gay men who act like you're trash or beneath them. I didn't really pay one ounce of attention to him nor was I impressed on his master thesis crap. I was ready to go because I still needed to drop off Blondie and get my laptop new battery that had been mailed to her. And I wanted to drop off Goddess Rose as it was on my way home. I indicated to my guest that it was time to leave so me, Blondie and Goddess Rose immediately got up and put our coats on and walked towards the entrance but they needed to use the bathroom. Sure ok but I turn around and my guest and her dick friend RR are not anywhere close so I walk back into the dinning room and they're yakking away! I said again I really need to get home, I work tmw and as soon as the girls were out of the restroom we had to leave. I get back to find both Blondie and Goddess Rose on their way upstairs to exit outside to the street so I waved and informed shithead RR that we got to go, let me guest know because her back was to me. He just looked at me and smirked. Whatever, I go upstairs and outside where my 2 friends are waiting and we wait, we wait, we wait and I shoot back downstairs to find out what is going on?! They're still talking. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I flipped out and said to RR 'why didn't you tell her we left?! why are you such a dick?' then I looked at her and said 'I have to work tmw and I am leaving NOW!' and I stormed up the steps and get outside. Once outside my guest grabs my arm to tell me she thought I went to the restroom and I wasn't having any of it. I told her her friend was an asshole, and that she knew I needed to leave and that she was being extremely rude and inconsiderate. She then wanted me to listen as she 'excused' herself once more which made things worst because then I started firing off on how I never wanted her to stay a week, that I went out of my way to make plans for her that she specifically requested for Friday night and she didn't bother to show up to any of it and instead gives me the runaround for hours! Then I was nice enough to give her my keys and spend the night at Blondies, sit around all day Saturday waiting for her to show up that night after 7pm! Then she lost my key and now tonight she was being an inconsiderate person! Every time she tried to reason why she didn't do anything wrong I looked away. When the 4 of us boarded my car I caught my friend Goddess Rose saying to my guest how we could sit down and have a discussion about what happened and I cut her off and said 'absolutely not, there is nothing to discuss. That my guest had been chronically rude PERIOD. That she owes me an apology and I had every right to get pissed off!"
After I dropped off Blondie, Goddess Rose decided to come with us back to my apt as I had something of hers she wanted returned and I offered if she wanted to spend the night she could. So the 3 of us get back to my home in the Bronx and get out of my car to walk back to the building. Once again she wants to have a discussion and I told her that I am not the kind to hold a grudge, once I've said my piece I am done. But she doesn't take a hint and I then tell her that her best bet is to drop it! The 3 of us get into the elevator and she then tells me I have no respect and that I should be respectful to her which just made me go crazy again and I replied "respect? you don't even know what respect is. I don't give respect to people who treat me like shit!" then she slammed her hand against the wall in frustration that I wasn't going to let her guilt me for telling her off. I didn't call her names, I didn't put her down. I stated the facts and why I was upset that is IT! Don't try to twist it in your favor it will never work!
We entered the apartment and she's fuming, fine. I let her and Goddess Rose talk while I once again clean up after her ass (she never cleaned once, washed any dishes, took out the garbage). All she did was buy some fruit and beer but so did I and I shared my meals with her and used up several packages of meat that my Mom had sent back with me a while ago. Then Goddess Rose and I talked some in my bedroom where she informed me my guest was planning to leave this morning and stay somewhere else. Okay fine by me, see ya! But I forgot I left something in the living room so went back out to get it. I calmly told her that I was sorry things did not work out between the 2 of us and if she wanted to stay at a hotel/motel/hostel whatever that was her choice. I wasn't asking her to leave but I was asking her to be more considerate and aware of other people. That this may be a vacation for her but this is my home and I work and this is my life here. That I don't just sign to see my hands moving (same as hearies when they say 'I don't just talk to hear my voice'). That I was upset by her chronic rudeness then she says 'can I talk?' and I say yes and then she proceeds to tell me she hurt and the reason she's leaving is not because of what I said but the fact I wouldn't allow her to excuse herself in which I started to reply and she says "I am not done talking!" and I said this is not Communism here, we are having a DISCUSSION and I am allowed to add to it! That I am not here for a lecture on how she thinks me telling her off is a form of domestic violence, uh yeah right, okay! Nope then I said "I give up" as now twice I tried to settle the matter and at the very least am owed an apology. But she isn't going to apologize so fine, whatever, SEE YOU, DON'T WANT TO BE YOU!
Woke up this morning and sure enough she's gone but of course she was kind enough to leave me more dirty dishes, my kitchen floor dirty and trash to take out. Well duh I am not surprised, inconsiderate people are usually that way, she's the queen of them. I don't expect she will mail me a check for the keys as she said she would. I have NO desire to maintain any type of contact with this person and learned a major lesson. I learned don't let people stay with you aren't very close with or for more than 3 days. That they should have a spare key to use to come and go and not be clingy to me (I can't stand needy people!).
Now the 2nd bit of bad news is the fact that because tmw is when student registration opens for Fall 2012 classes at one school. And my boss had not been responding to ANY of my emails nor did he bothered to make the changes needed for my classes as requested repeatedly for quite a few weeks. That after stopping by his office again today for the 3rd time I finally asked to speak to someone higher up. Surely this has got to stop! I ended up speaking with one of the dean's administrative assistance about my concerns. First I asked is my boss ok? Has anything changed so maybe that is why he hasn't been responding and she said no. She had just seen him a few days ago and my boss was fine. Then I explained that I had been trying for weeks now to get my schedule straightened out for the Fall and tmw registration begins and I am panicking! I tried my best not to paint my boss out to be a terrible person but did express my frustration in regards to the lack of responses or acknowledgement of my concerns. That working more than one job means I need my boss to check with me for scheduling ahead of time and not just schedule me 1st and then ask me to work those times which almost never are good for me! I also mentioned that I am extremely loyal employee and a dedicated teacher. That I have higher than average reviews on my instruction and course quality at all my jobs and I would very much like to keep working at the school. But I shouldn't have to chase down my boss every semester to play these games of tag. I even told the assistant that I felt very bad to have to say anything at all and it is not my intention to create problems but she wasn't having any of it and asked me to write down what is going on and my contact email etc etc that she would be speaking to my boss or as she liked to say "sometimes you have to yell at them to wake them up." I left feeling really crappy and stopped by the store on my way home to pick up more fruits and veggies. Once I came home I ate lunch and watched some TV then checked my emails. Lo behold I got several from my boss and my boss did apologize and said I had every right to be upset. My boss immediately put in the schedule request which apparently one of the Deans had ordered to do so. Ouch that made me cringe and think oh man I hope my boss doesn't hold a grudge? I'd liked to think this will be the last time this is an issue between the 2 of us for next Spring 2013 schedule. That maybe this did sort of wake him up? Because I don't want this headache every semester anymore!
Now I am enjoying having my living room again. And I am grateful that my guest left this morning because I am tired of playing hostess to someone I really have grown to dislike tremendously but was trying to be a good person. Screw being polite!
First when she asked to stay with me, I only wanted 3-4 days maximum but she talked me into letting her stay a week and would give me $100 which would have helped me out. Then once she arrived last Thursday I did try to give her a spare key because she is here in town for a 1 week conference. I thought it would be best if she had a key to come and goes as she pleases for the conference and also to free me up as well as I have just spent 6 weeks helping my grandmother prepared to move and then helped when she did move the weekend before last. This means I have had very little social life which is fine because family comes first but this past weekend was my 1st "fun" weekend I had in a while.
But my guest didn't want the spare key. Uh ok....then Thurs night we finally got out to meet my friend and go dancing but she ended up yakking away with my friend. Fine, no worries but then she wanted to go home earlier than I did but I figured fine I would have Friday night to play! Plus my guest wanted to meet me at a Deaf event Friday night around 6-7pm and then join us for our plans for the evening which involved stopping by to see my best friend. Then hitting Bar 13, then hitting my favorite club Ceilo! Well my guest text me to let me know she wasn't going to make it to the Deaf event due to dinner plans with fellow conference attendees. Ok I get that, no problem. She says she will meet me at Blondie's home but once I am there she lets me know she is still at the same restaurant. Fine, okay no problem. Now she says she will meet me at Bar 13, uh ok. The at Bar 13 once again she flaked out. Fine she want to meet me at Ceilo ok, I'm cool with that and was waiting for her to let me know she was on her way to Ceilo so me and my friends could meet her there. For 10 minutes I did not check my phone and then next thing I know I have 12 text messages with her freaking out saying she was at Ceilo and we weren't there and that she left and felt like she was in danger. First of all, she's white and in Manhattan and below 96th st. Any NYer will tell you there is no danger. Secondly where Ceilo is located, it is extremely well lit with many bars, restaurants etc etc so how she felt scared I'll never know because it wasn't some dark alley with crackheads shooting up and graffiti everywhere! So me and my friends RUSHED to meet her and she's all upset and my friend who arranged the evening is upset and now Ceilo free admission ended and we would have to pay $25 to get in and none of us really wanted to pay that. Plus my guest tells me she is ready to go home. I am like, wtf? I told her I wasn't and that I had made an effort to include her on 3 different things earlier that evening that I would not be going home for another hour. My friend Goddess Rose said lets take a cab back to Bar 13 where no cover and good music, people dancing. On the way back to Bar 13 I decided to just give my guest my set of keys and crash at Blondies for the night which she didn't mind. But I expected my guest to come to meet me the next day and give me back my keys.
Saturday comes and I had a great time dancing the night before, slept over at Blondies and my phone was DOA because no charger. I contacted my guest through FB since I couldn't text message her and I didn't get any replies. Goddess Rose did me a huge favor and text my guest to let her know my phone was dead and to check her FB messages. When my guest finally checked mid afternoon she informs me she can't read the message and for me to email her directly. So I emailed her and asked that she meet me by dinner time because I am still wearing the same clothes from the night before, no toothbrush and feeling tired and crummy. She doesn't reply and doesn't reply till after 6:40pm and then shes finally on her way to meet me. I am NOT happy now because all of this could've been avoided had she just taken the spare key! She doesn't even thank me for letting her take the keys etc etc and waiting for her all day Saturday! We get back to my apartment and I told her she has to take the spare key as I didn't want more of those kinds of problems. That same night she brings in a bottle of red wine that I had on hand and we had opened the night before. Understand she did not put the cork back in the bottle but brought it out to my living room sans cork and puts it on the coffee table on my off white rug! Somehow I must've hit the table or snagged the bottle and it goes flying all over my rug creating spirals. I jump up to grab cold water and salt to immediately soak up the RED wine off my OFF-WHITE carpet! I was able to get most of it out but there is a spiral stain on my rug that I just can't get rid of completely :( UGH!!!
Sunday comes and she goes to her conference that morning, meanwhile I slept in and worked on my lessons, and cooked 3 different meals to save money this week and to share with my guest. She comes back that afternoon and asks me to let her in the apartment because guess what? She LOST my spare key!!! Huh, wtf?! You're kidding me! How is that even possible and then she had the nerve to ask to borrow my set of keys. I told her NO WAY! If they were lost that's it! Come on you're crazy to even ask me. Then she asked me if I was okay with leaving my door unlocked? Again I am like are you out of your mind, this is the BRONX! Grr, but she offers to replace the key in which I explained that its not that easy or cheap to do. That the keys are specially made through whats called a copy card so without the 'master card' you can't make copies of the keys. Which makes sense in NYC as you don't want a million people being able to make copies of building keys etc etc..I told her at the very least it will be $75 but it can be as expensive as $175! She looked skeptical like maybe I was lying, uh whatever.
She had invited me to join her and fellow conference attendees at Hard Rock Cafe in Time Square last night but I wasn't interested. That is until I found out an old friend of mine who I am very fond of would be there so I felt it would be worth the visit and to show my guest support too. I explained to my guest I will be coming from NJ after eating dinner with Blondie and Red Hots and she was fine with that.
Yesterday morning was Monday and when I woke up to go to work she was on her way out. I went back to my bedroom to wake up some more with my Bastard Kitty Tom before starting my day and lucky for her I felt BANG BANG BANG through my mattress. At first I wondered if it was one of my neighbors blasting music which is quite common but I had a funny feeling it wasn't. I went to my front door to check and lo behold there she was she had forgotten something. I told her she was lucky I felt her banging and hadn't showered yet or else she would have been waiting 30-40 minutes.
Fast forward to late afternoon my guest text me to let me know the plans may have changed and I was to text her when I was on my way? Uh no thank you, I don't want to play tag especially in a car in Time Square. I was already feeling very put out by the whole visit and not at all like I had made a new genuine friend. Finally a few hrs later she says no its still on for Hard Rock Cafe so Blondie and I get there around 1030pm and that's late for me on a Monday. I already told my guest the day before I did not want to stay out late Monday as I work today and yesterday etc etc.. At Hard Rock Cafe it was great to see my friend Rusty and Goddess Rose also joined us there. At a different table there were about 10 Deafies sitting but I didn't know any of them and most were international. Cool, I sit at the 'VIP' table with Rusty, Blondie and Goddess Rose while my guest fluttered around with the others before finally sitting back down at our table with one guy who I will call RR. I immediately did not like RR and got bad vibes off of him. He is one of those arrogant gay men who act like you're trash or beneath them. I didn't really pay one ounce of attention to him nor was I impressed on his master thesis crap. I was ready to go because I still needed to drop off Blondie and get my laptop new battery that had been mailed to her. And I wanted to drop off Goddess Rose as it was on my way home. I indicated to my guest that it was time to leave so me, Blondie and Goddess Rose immediately got up and put our coats on and walked towards the entrance but they needed to use the bathroom. Sure ok but I turn around and my guest and her dick friend RR are not anywhere close so I walk back into the dinning room and they're yakking away! I said again I really need to get home, I work tmw and as soon as the girls were out of the restroom we had to leave. I get back to find both Blondie and Goddess Rose on their way upstairs to exit outside to the street so I waved and informed shithead RR that we got to go, let me guest know because her back was to me. He just looked at me and smirked. Whatever, I go upstairs and outside where my 2 friends are waiting and we wait, we wait, we wait and I shoot back downstairs to find out what is going on?! They're still talking. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I flipped out and said to RR 'why didn't you tell her we left?! why are you such a dick?' then I looked at her and said 'I have to work tmw and I am leaving NOW!' and I stormed up the steps and get outside. Once outside my guest grabs my arm to tell me she thought I went to the restroom and I wasn't having any of it. I told her her friend was an asshole, and that she knew I needed to leave and that she was being extremely rude and inconsiderate. She then wanted me to listen as she 'excused' herself once more which made things worst because then I started firing off on how I never wanted her to stay a week, that I went out of my way to make plans for her that she specifically requested for Friday night and she didn't bother to show up to any of it and instead gives me the runaround for hours! Then I was nice enough to give her my keys and spend the night at Blondies, sit around all day Saturday waiting for her to show up that night after 7pm! Then she lost my key and now tonight she was being an inconsiderate person! Every time she tried to reason why she didn't do anything wrong I looked away. When the 4 of us boarded my car I caught my friend Goddess Rose saying to my guest how we could sit down and have a discussion about what happened and I cut her off and said 'absolutely not, there is nothing to discuss. That my guest had been chronically rude PERIOD. That she owes me an apology and I had every right to get pissed off!"
After I dropped off Blondie, Goddess Rose decided to come with us back to my apt as I had something of hers she wanted returned and I offered if she wanted to spend the night she could. So the 3 of us get back to my home in the Bronx and get out of my car to walk back to the building. Once again she wants to have a discussion and I told her that I am not the kind to hold a grudge, once I've said my piece I am done. But she doesn't take a hint and I then tell her that her best bet is to drop it! The 3 of us get into the elevator and she then tells me I have no respect and that I should be respectful to her which just made me go crazy again and I replied "respect? you don't even know what respect is. I don't give respect to people who treat me like shit!" then she slammed her hand against the wall in frustration that I wasn't going to let her guilt me for telling her off. I didn't call her names, I didn't put her down. I stated the facts and why I was upset that is IT! Don't try to twist it in your favor it will never work!
We entered the apartment and she's fuming, fine. I let her and Goddess Rose talk while I once again clean up after her ass (she never cleaned once, washed any dishes, took out the garbage). All she did was buy some fruit and beer but so did I and I shared my meals with her and used up several packages of meat that my Mom had sent back with me a while ago. Then Goddess Rose and I talked some in my bedroom where she informed me my guest was planning to leave this morning and stay somewhere else. Okay fine by me, see ya! But I forgot I left something in the living room so went back out to get it. I calmly told her that I was sorry things did not work out between the 2 of us and if she wanted to stay at a hotel/motel/hostel whatever that was her choice. I wasn't asking her to leave but I was asking her to be more considerate and aware of other people. That this may be a vacation for her but this is my home and I work and this is my life here. That I don't just sign to see my hands moving (same as hearies when they say 'I don't just talk to hear my voice'). That I was upset by her chronic rudeness then she says 'can I talk?' and I say yes and then she proceeds to tell me she hurt and the reason she's leaving is not because of what I said but the fact I wouldn't allow her to excuse herself in which I started to reply and she says "I am not done talking!" and I said this is not Communism here, we are having a DISCUSSION and I am allowed to add to it! That I am not here for a lecture on how she thinks me telling her off is a form of domestic violence, uh yeah right, okay! Nope then I said "I give up" as now twice I tried to settle the matter and at the very least am owed an apology. But she isn't going to apologize so fine, whatever, SEE YOU, DON'T WANT TO BE YOU!
Woke up this morning and sure enough she's gone but of course she was kind enough to leave me more dirty dishes, my kitchen floor dirty and trash to take out. Well duh I am not surprised, inconsiderate people are usually that way, she's the queen of them. I don't expect she will mail me a check for the keys as she said she would. I have NO desire to maintain any type of contact with this person and learned a major lesson. I learned don't let people stay with you aren't very close with or for more than 3 days. That they should have a spare key to use to come and go and not be clingy to me (I can't stand needy people!).
Now the 2nd bit of bad news is the fact that because tmw is when student registration opens for Fall 2012 classes at one school. And my boss had not been responding to ANY of my emails nor did he bothered to make the changes needed for my classes as requested repeatedly for quite a few weeks. That after stopping by his office again today for the 3rd time I finally asked to speak to someone higher up. Surely this has got to stop! I ended up speaking with one of the dean's administrative assistance about my concerns. First I asked is my boss ok? Has anything changed so maybe that is why he hasn't been responding and she said no. She had just seen him a few days ago and my boss was fine. Then I explained that I had been trying for weeks now to get my schedule straightened out for the Fall and tmw registration begins and I am panicking! I tried my best not to paint my boss out to be a terrible person but did express my frustration in regards to the lack of responses or acknowledgement of my concerns. That working more than one job means I need my boss to check with me for scheduling ahead of time and not just schedule me 1st and then ask me to work those times which almost never are good for me! I also mentioned that I am extremely loyal employee and a dedicated teacher. That I have higher than average reviews on my instruction and course quality at all my jobs and I would very much like to keep working at the school. But I shouldn't have to chase down my boss every semester to play these games of tag. I even told the assistant that I felt very bad to have to say anything at all and it is not my intention to create problems but she wasn't having any of it and asked me to write down what is going on and my contact email etc etc that she would be speaking to my boss or as she liked to say "sometimes you have to yell at them to wake them up." I left feeling really crappy and stopped by the store on my way home to pick up more fruits and veggies. Once I came home I ate lunch and watched some TV then checked my emails. Lo behold I got several from my boss and my boss did apologize and said I had every right to be upset. My boss immediately put in the schedule request which apparently one of the Deans had ordered to do so. Ouch that made me cringe and think oh man I hope my boss doesn't hold a grudge? I'd liked to think this will be the last time this is an issue between the 2 of us for next Spring 2013 schedule. That maybe this did sort of wake him up? Because I don't want this headache every semester anymore!
Now I am enjoying having my living room again. And I am grateful that my guest left this morning because I am tired of playing hostess to someone I really have grown to dislike tremendously but was trying to be a good person. Screw being polite!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
It just doesn't get any better than this!
FIONA's Sizzling Hot Deafrobics!!! I laughed so hard I cried. I am VERY impressed and that's hard to do ;-]
Its not hard to be nice
and in my opinion a LOT more fun! Someone paid me a nice compliment tonight and said I'm very likeable. *sound of ego inflating* I think the secret really is to be honest and relatable. Afterall we're all humans with ups and downs to deny so creates inequality. Besides I am such a LEO! We thrive on compliments a way a cat does to a loving laps and lots of attention! We PURR to being fawned over, meOw!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
'No permanent position'
aptly describes my employment as an instructor we do not have any stability and at times it can be quite stressful. I have made my 'career' this way but I really wish to have more stability because I give 110% to my students and classes, I'd like to be appreciated for it. Instead of treated like a 2nd class citizen with NO rights. I am fortunate because one of my schools is WONDERFUL to me and makes the effort to grant me my scheduling preferences and classroom locations. But that's not to say I didn't have to nudge them a lot in the past to get these things. I am very persistent and like a dog with a bone, I usually don't let go till I get my way. I mean if I am not being given health insurance and other benefits I could at least have a decent classroom to teach out of and a schedule that is appropriate for my lifestyle. It is frustrating these days to not know if I will even earn enough to pay my rent this summer or next fall? With the good school I am secure and happy. But with the 2nd one is always touch and go. How disappointing to have to keep jumping through these hoops every couple of months! I am bummed about this right now.
meanwhile the move last weekend went as smooth as to be expected. Both Baba and I were worn out but more so her because of a recent fall that left her more than just banged up. It hurts me to see someone I love in pain and I really hope the pain lessens for her as each day passes. And that she is adjusting to her new home favorably?
overall life is good with the exception of the above rant about work, I can't complain even tho I did :]
meanwhile the move last weekend went as smooth as to be expected. Both Baba and I were worn out but more so her because of a recent fall that left her more than just banged up. It hurts me to see someone I love in pain and I really hope the pain lessens for her as each day passes. And that she is adjusting to her new home favorably?
overall life is good with the exception of the above rant about work, I can't complain even tho I did :]
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
A little Valentines day decor
Just because I am single doesn't mean I despise Valentines day! As a matter of fact I am a hopeless romantic at heart and why not encourage more romance and LOVE in the world! And LOVE comes in all shapes and sizes and TYPES :-}
Happy Early Valentines Day to everyone, everywhere!
Happy Early Valentines Day to everyone, everywhere!
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Teak On The Hudson
Teak On The Hudson restaurant/bar aesthetics are unbelievably GOOD!, I am so glad Red Hots took these photos!
Seriously I guesstimate the fish tank that holds numerous Koi fishes to be ya-30 to 40 feet long and probably at east 5 feet from top to bottom!
A magazine worthy shot taken by Red Hots :]
The decor is BEAUTIFUL! Sorry this shot do
Red Hots + Me = *sizzles!*
Blondie and Me, as cute as can be for Besties!
Seriously I guesstimate the fish tank that holds numerous Koi fishes to be ya-30 to 40 feet long and probably at east 5 feet from top to bottom!
A magazine worthy shot taken by Red Hots :]
The decor is BEAUTIFUL! Sorry this shot do
Red Hots + Me = *sizzles!*
Blondie and Me, as cute as can be for Besties!Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Fed up with 'doing the right thing'
So now I am torn between a major decision on whether or not to accept a 3rd job that would add 2 more classes to my work load of 5 already existing classes. Plus I would be taking an approximate $15 an hour pay cut from my current minimum hourly earnings which is making the job offer a LOT less appealing. Toppled with the fact I have to once again give up my evenings and for the 1st time in years I have my evenings back except for 1 night a week, which is tonight. The commute will be hell too...
BUT
It would be serious extra income and help me to pay off bills especially my state taxes which in a double edge sword kind of way could actually make worse....Plus its the responsible thing to do, take the job.
I just am torn and not at all enthusized with being paid less than I deserve :/ DO-DO?
BUT
It would be serious extra income and help me to pay off bills especially my state taxes which in a double edge sword kind of way could actually make worse....Plus its the responsible thing to do, take the job.
I just am torn and not at all enthusized with being paid less than I deserve :/ DO-DO?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Club Photos!
Me and Goddess Rose enjoying the 1st snowfall for NYC 2012 after a fun night!
Celebrating Phil Jean's bday! The Gays always bring the glitz and glam!
Me and Goddess Rose with Phil & F13!
Look out Boy George, you can't top this!Gotta love NYC dance crowd, seriously some of the nicest people you ever want to meet!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Self-pity need not apply here
There are two kinds of people in the world; those who make do and those who don't but sit around and complain about it. I prefer to be in the company of the 1st group. The type that deals with the hand they're dealt and can still find an ounce of happiness somewhere in their day. The 2nd group I avoid like the plague! The self made victims who whine about their woes and snarl at others when they are smiling or being kind. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to say one should go through life with denying the truths of the world out there no matter how ugly. But you don't have to sit and marinate in it either.
For those who chose to be victims and not do ANYTHING to help yourself I want you to know, you certainly won't win awards for the countless hours spent pouting or being sullen. The only person who's truly suffering is yourself or the other people around you who put up with it just because they love you. You don't grow old and think back in to your life and feel proud of the days wasted being miserable. As a matter of fact you probably won't grow old because misery is stress to your body and more than likely you'll die sooner rather than later. You won't suddenly one day be happy because this happened or that happened because happiness doesn't come from the outside. It has to come from you and your insides, how you FEEL about YOU? And if you don't like how YOU FEEL then there are countless ways to change who you are or the life you are living. Books, religious or community mentors, friends, family, counseling, medication, exercise and a personal favorite of mine altruism. Helping others helps you. You learn humility, compassion and the common ground you share with another living person or being (pets, wildlife, plants). Doing GOOD feels GOOD.
I know I know! how did I get to here from there (seriously last fall was a tough time for me, still reeling from the breakup, leaving school, financial woes, etc., etc..read any post from Sept '11-early Dec '11) I truly thought this is it for me. I won't recover from this, I couldn't even smile much anymore. But time passes and I made choices and stuck with those choices. Its hard to be disciplined when you're depressed, I know its hard for me too. But if you stick to your resolve to change things, it happens quite slowly at first and then all of a sudden a snowball effect occurs and you're suddenly where you want to be. This is how I feel these days. I feel like I am in such a great place in my life.
I started off healing my wounds with those cheesy self inspirational quotes that I wrote on post it notes and places in random places in the apartment. I admit when I saw them in other peoples homes I always thought to myself how lame! But which is lamer? Looking dorky to a couple of people who you trust? Or being the debbie downer, the stick in the mud at every gathering? So did I look at these quotes everyday? No, not really as a matter of fact I stopped seeing them and occasionally forced myself to stop and re-read them. But what I did find myself doing was thinking about these quotes in my head at one part or another of my day and it slowly changed my mindset. Then sometimes when I went back to re-read these post-its, some of them were no longer applied to me. Because either I already incorporated the sentiment/mindset or it simply served just to boost me up and I no longer needed the pep talk. It felt good to crumble the post it notes into a ball and throw it away. Like I had mastered it or no longer needed the little pick-me-up crutch.
During my active attempt to heal and feel better, I generally reach out to my friends and family and shared with them my feelings (good or bad). Baba probably gave me the best piece of advice which was don't be so hard on yourself and just give yourself time to heal. You need to heal first. See here the key point is to give yourself TIME to HEAL. Not TIME alone, you don't need more time doing nothing or more of the same, you need TIME to HEAL (CHANGE) which means making a commitment to yourself to do just that. For me that meant finally making my apartment into a home because this is your sanctuary, your escape from the world when you're too tired or beaten down. On those days where everything has gone wrong, one should be able to come home and feel good, relax and calm and if possible, happy too? It took a LOT of time to make my apartment into a home for me and Tom. And thanks to Blondie being there for me and helping me on 3 separate occasions while I worked on the place in between her visits, I now PAH have the 'ahhh' feeling when I walk in the door. Plus I love sharing my home with Tom aka my Bastard Kitty, I actually make sure to come home every night to sleep in my bed and be with my Tom Tom. I joked recently on FB after I uploaded a photo of Tom Tom that he's all the man I need! I no longer allow a TV, computer or phone in my room. The only electronics in there is my alarm clock and that's just because I can't wake up on my own. My bedroom is now a place of rest, sleep and reading. Which also helps with feeling like this is my perfect little home! So finally being able to enjoy my apartment has added tremendously to my overall well being and I try not to take it for granted.
I also decided to heal myself by changing how I eat. I have been since last fall adding more and more healthy food to my diet on a day to day basis. I already love fruit but have been working on adding more veggies and I stay away from a lot of the process food I used to eat (not 100%) like I still use an occasional pasta mix from a box but things like snack foods/desserts (junk food) I have stopped buying for the most part, including chocolate which I used to eat EVERYDAY but only in the past 3 weeks have I broken that habit. I also just have become more fussy about what I am willing to eat. I won't eat something just to please someone else or go with the herd mentality. I only eat if I LOVE it and I feel it does something good for my body such as fruit I know is rich in so much that I feel GOOD when I consume it. I am still quite a meat eater that will never change but the amount and frequency has. I also pay close attention to water and have drastically reduced my diet coke intake which used to be less than a half a can a day but now I drink it every few days. I mostly drink water (sometimes with a lemon), seltzer water, cranberry juice and occasional diet coke or ginger ale. I still love Chinese food but do not ordered it very often because the kind I like to eat is not under a diet menu anyways.
I have not lost as much weight as I would like but I suspect that is due to the lack of muscle tone which is on my next "to do" list once I am settled into my work routine. Muscles always burns more calories and honestly looks a lot more attractive then fat. Having discovered the love of dancing, I know that at least I am getting my cardio sometime. But weights must be added soon for muscle resistance. What I love about dancing is once you've been dancing for a while you just get lost in the music and find your 'zone' and let go. Its almost meditative when you let your body just take over and basically stop thinking! And just BE! Exhilarating!
For those who chose to be victims and not do ANYTHING to help yourself I want you to know, you certainly won't win awards for the countless hours spent pouting or being sullen. The only person who's truly suffering is yourself or the other people around you who put up with it just because they love you. You don't grow old and think back in to your life and feel proud of the days wasted being miserable. As a matter of fact you probably won't grow old because misery is stress to your body and more than likely you'll die sooner rather than later. You won't suddenly one day be happy because this happened or that happened because happiness doesn't come from the outside. It has to come from you and your insides, how you FEEL about YOU? And if you don't like how YOU FEEL then there are countless ways to change who you are or the life you are living. Books, religious or community mentors, friends, family, counseling, medication, exercise and a personal favorite of mine altruism. Helping others helps you. You learn humility, compassion and the common ground you share with another living person or being (pets, wildlife, plants). Doing GOOD feels GOOD.
I know I know! how did I get to here from there (seriously last fall was a tough time for me, still reeling from the breakup, leaving school, financial woes, etc., etc..read any post from Sept '11-early Dec '11) I truly thought this is it for me. I won't recover from this, I couldn't even smile much anymore. But time passes and I made choices and stuck with those choices. Its hard to be disciplined when you're depressed, I know its hard for me too. But if you stick to your resolve to change things, it happens quite slowly at first and then all of a sudden a snowball effect occurs and you're suddenly where you want to be. This is how I feel these days. I feel like I am in such a great place in my life.
I started off healing my wounds with those cheesy self inspirational quotes that I wrote on post it notes and places in random places in the apartment. I admit when I saw them in other peoples homes I always thought to myself how lame! But which is lamer? Looking dorky to a couple of people who you trust? Or being the debbie downer, the stick in the mud at every gathering? So did I look at these quotes everyday? No, not really as a matter of fact I stopped seeing them and occasionally forced myself to stop and re-read them. But what I did find myself doing was thinking about these quotes in my head at one part or another of my day and it slowly changed my mindset. Then sometimes when I went back to re-read these post-its, some of them were no longer applied to me. Because either I already incorporated the sentiment/mindset or it simply served just to boost me up and I no longer needed the pep talk. It felt good to crumble the post it notes into a ball and throw it away. Like I had mastered it or no longer needed the little pick-me-up crutch.
During my active attempt to heal and feel better, I generally reach out to my friends and family and shared with them my feelings (good or bad). Baba probably gave me the best piece of advice which was don't be so hard on yourself and just give yourself time to heal. You need to heal first. See here the key point is to give yourself TIME to HEAL. Not TIME alone, you don't need more time doing nothing or more of the same, you need TIME to HEAL (CHANGE) which means making a commitment to yourself to do just that. For me that meant finally making my apartment into a home because this is your sanctuary, your escape from the world when you're too tired or beaten down. On those days where everything has gone wrong, one should be able to come home and feel good, relax and calm and if possible, happy too? It took a LOT of time to make my apartment into a home for me and Tom. And thanks to Blondie being there for me and helping me on 3 separate occasions while I worked on the place in between her visits, I now PAH have the 'ahhh' feeling when I walk in the door. Plus I love sharing my home with Tom aka my Bastard Kitty, I actually make sure to come home every night to sleep in my bed and be with my Tom Tom. I joked recently on FB after I uploaded a photo of Tom Tom that he's all the man I need! I no longer allow a TV, computer or phone in my room. The only electronics in there is my alarm clock and that's just because I can't wake up on my own. My bedroom is now a place of rest, sleep and reading. Which also helps with feeling like this is my perfect little home! So finally being able to enjoy my apartment has added tremendously to my overall well being and I try not to take it for granted.
I also decided to heal myself by changing how I eat. I have been since last fall adding more and more healthy food to my diet on a day to day basis. I already love fruit but have been working on adding more veggies and I stay away from a lot of the process food I used to eat (not 100%) like I still use an occasional pasta mix from a box but things like snack foods/desserts (junk food) I have stopped buying for the most part, including chocolate which I used to eat EVERYDAY but only in the past 3 weeks have I broken that habit. I also just have become more fussy about what I am willing to eat. I won't eat something just to please someone else or go with the herd mentality. I only eat if I LOVE it and I feel it does something good for my body such as fruit I know is rich in so much that I feel GOOD when I consume it. I am still quite a meat eater that will never change but the amount and frequency has. I also pay close attention to water and have drastically reduced my diet coke intake which used to be less than a half a can a day but now I drink it every few days. I mostly drink water (sometimes with a lemon), seltzer water, cranberry juice and occasional diet coke or ginger ale. I still love Chinese food but do not ordered it very often because the kind I like to eat is not under a diet menu anyways.
I have not lost as much weight as I would like but I suspect that is due to the lack of muscle tone which is on my next "to do" list once I am settled into my work routine. Muscles always burns more calories and honestly looks a lot more attractive then fat. Having discovered the love of dancing, I know that at least I am getting my cardio sometime. But weights must be added soon for muscle resistance. What I love about dancing is once you've been dancing for a while you just get lost in the music and find your 'zone' and let go. Its almost meditative when you let your body just take over and basically stop thinking! And just BE! Exhilarating!
Friday, January 20, 2012
FB Drone
Seriously, I have become another FB drone!!! I love chatting with various people from all parts of my life from the past all the way to yesterday! I think its amazing how technology has shorten the gap for communication between people geographically. Recently I have been trying a few fun apps like one tells you what your NAME says about you. They hit the mark pretty well!
Last night I learned something new. I can love one of my favorite club here in NYC but I won't always love the music or the DJ playing. I can't enjoy repetitive and slow music or feel the desire to DANCE! Live and learn, I am really a ROOTS fan!
In other news I am sooooooooo excited that next weekend Baba and Uncle David will visit me and bring me some furniture as well. But more importantly FAMILY is visiting ME :) How lucky am I?
Last night I learned something new. I can love one of my favorite club here in NYC but I won't always love the music or the DJ playing. I can't enjoy repetitive and slow music or feel the desire to DANCE! Live and learn, I am really a ROOTS fan!
In other news I am sooooooooo excited that next weekend Baba and Uncle David will visit me and bring me some furniture as well. But more importantly FAMILY is visiting ME :) How lucky am I?
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