Melancholy abound

Lately I have been in a weird place. I feel rather at loss with what to do with myself. Jack being away has left me picking up pieces of myself and my life little by little. This is way different than when my ex dumped me because we are not broken up. Just apart for a little while due to circumstances. Sure we write almost daily no doubt but its no substitute for the emptiness it has left in my life.

Compound that with a string of unfortunate events in Nov and Dec that has left me feeling rather dejected at times but I also joke and laugh more easily. And I try to remember how lucky I am that I live in the greatest city in the world, BY MYSELF and mostly financially independent for the 1st time since I left Maryland. I have 2 jobs I LOVE and am bless to have bosses that I actually like. My family is the best family any girl could ask for. They don't care that I am Deaf with a capital D because I am not "OO" about it (overly obnoxious with my Deaf identity). My boyfriend who loves me unlike I've ever been loved by a man is even now reading up on relationships and writing to ask me my thoughts on this and that for our upcoming future on ways to be happier and healthier when he returns.

When we first began dating, I didn't feel like he was my best friend and that in itself created a lot of drama. Much of it was due to the fact that I didn't trust him. Not because he didn't deserve it but because I was so afraid of ever loving someone deeply as I had done so with my ex of 6 years. You see I didn't think deep down inside I truly believe someone could love me the way I had tried to love someone else before. I thought I had been extremely naive with my unconditional love in the past and all the pain I endured afterwards nursing a broken heart had been my fault. I had brought all this pain onto myself. I mistakenly had loved unequivocally and I felt like I had been a fool and figured Jack was making the same mistakes I had made. I figured ha, he doesn't know love, he just thinks he loves me but that's not how it works, cuz I KNOW, I've been there before. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he truly loved me explicitly from the git go and for a long time, I refused to hop on board. Now I realize that perhaps I wasn't so dumb or childlike with how I love, and maybe my ex was unable to accept my love for his own reasons? That even though I felt like a moron for loving him as much as I had, I am not a stuporous. The problem was, it prevented me from loving Jack fully and I am not going to hold back anymore when he returns. I am going to just have faith that its okay to love him the way I do. I am strong enough to deal with the future should we ever break up for good. But if I don't stop being afraid of being hurt, I am only holding US back from a loving and stable relationship. Jack shouldn't have to feel like I don't love him as much as I do and he did feel that way during the 1st half of our relationship. He knew I was always holding back and ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble. This caused a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings and I regret having been that way. I know that wasn't fair to Jack and I have owned up to it in the past year and a half. This time apart has been gut wrenching on account I live alone. And during my free time especially at night, I find myself reflecting considerably on the past few years here.

Am I depressed? No, I don't think so because I am not avoiding people. I am not feeling hopeless or unable to get things done. I do feel tired a lot though. And recently the past few days I have made a decision to use the time apart from Jack for a little selfish behavior. I am going to focus on ME. And areas in myself that I could use improvements. For example I have dealt with insomnia all my life. Part of it is the ADD and part of it is my inability to deal with stress efficiently. I remember about a year ago someone asked me what I do for fun and relaxation. And for the life of me, I really couldn't say what I did for MYSELF to bring a little contentment in my everyday life. I mean don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with people I love and doing projects like filming or taking photos at DPHH. And who doesn't love food, tv, computers, books and sleeping? Those are the norms but what do I do for myself at home to really unwind and ease my anxieties? Nothing. I am always trying to work on the apartment (the apt makeover still isn't done), plus deal with work and school related stuff. By the time I go to bed, my brain is still running at 90 mph. I cannot stop THINKING and dwelling and mulling and driving myself batty over whatever issues or problems I think I have.
So
I have decided that I am going to find ways to deal with the stress in my life effectively. Last night I surfed the net for suggestions on how to cope with stress etc etc. Of course meditation tecnhniques came up. That made me wonder are there any VIsUaL videos in terms of meditation that would help me? A lot of what I came across were audio meditations with verbal but soothing instructions on how to relax which is pointless for me because I cannot understand what they are saying anyways. I am not that hard of hearing. I did come across a really cool theta wave hypnosis meditation by Daniel George at DGhypno. I was so tired last night because I worked yesterday at Media from 8am to 9pm on 3 hours of sleep but I found this video really helped me to relaxs and I did find myself drifting some. I can't say whether or not it really works because I was bone tired anyways. Nevertheless I will try again later this week on a "normal" night of insomnia and let you know if its works or not? And I also don't know whether or not the music makes a difference? I mean which was actually relaxing me? The visual or the music or does it only work together? I am curious to find out more information on theta-wave hypnosis and how much of it can be triggered visually? For many years I have always been envious of hearing people in this one area, hypnosis. Granted I know it doesn't always work on every hearie out there but still, the odds are still in their favor. And if I ever do go back for my 2nd masters it will be in psychology and I will deafinitely cover hypnosis on deafies in my studies. Anyways this area of my "General Jen" reformation blueprint the ability to RELAXs and learn how to let go of my stress ranks as a high priority. And I will commit to this part of myself while I have this time alone to do so.

Wow, I feel so much better that for the 1st time in a long time, I wrote something on my blog that has any real substance rather than a status report which is boring even me. Here's General Jen (thanks Joe Joy for giving me that nickname) logging off.