The Power of Now and its ramifications...

There's nothing worse and demoralizing to feel helpless or that no one is helping you. That all you can do is TRY to keep your head above waters. Some days its way more tiring burden then others.

Right now a family member is in crisis and this crisis of course has a ripple effect that sadly brings out sometimes the worst in us. My family has never been one to sit down and have an 'open dialogue' like you see on the shows such as "Wife Swap" "Super Nanny" "Shalom in the Home" and so on. I watch these shows and applaud these people for being willing to open and honest with one another. But instead, we, my family tends to cluster in pairs or small groups. I am worried for this person. I am worried for them a lot and I feel this crushing weight of responsibility that makes me want to run off and escape. I feel disgraceful and like this is a reflection of my love for this family member(s) but that's not the case at all. Its just that I too have my limitations and a finite amount of inner resources and I just honestly don't know how to proactively help? However I do know myself well enough to know I am not capable of ruminating about the problem if there is no known solution. It wears me down. I know other people cope with stress differently and I wish I wasn't a highly sensitive person.

As of late, I have been dancing, listening good music, good company and its my way of coping I guess. I have also tried to seize as many opportunity to swim whether its in a lake or in a pool. I am glad I went swimming a lot more this summer than I had in the past. I look at it this way, its healthy for me, dancing and swimming. Besides I also live in the greatest f*cking city in the US (I can't speak of other international cities) I would be a fool not to seize the opportunities that come my way. Even if it means getting sick and run down. I rather do as much living as I can while I can. I just find it so damn hard to strike a healthy balance between being there for my family and love ones and still enjoying my last bit of freedom. I am also bummed my vacation that ends next week.

Baba remarked to me today or yesterday that her sister Miriam was also well loved. My aunt Miriam passed away recently a few months ago, just shy of her 93rd birthday. My first ex was also baffled and I think jealous of that too, he couldn't understand why I was so well liked. Even my last ex noticed and would make sometimes good observations about why he thought people reacted to me the way they did. Then again he also tried to brainwash me that I was somehow 'different' then all the other Deafies!?! Which I really hated. And I since I am a highly sensitive person, it can be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I guess I am more relatable than the average Jane and but a curse because I am more relatable than the average Jane. Its ironic too because growing up I was lonely but since my high school days at MSSD, I have hardly felt lonely but instead been so lucky, blessed, fortunate whatever the right terminology to have so many wonderful friends in my life both close and afar. Along with a wonderful and loving family, I know I am not alone.

I know I can come off as gregarious at times but the reality is. I in those moments am doing what Osho Eckhart Tolle once wrote "live in the now" basically be present in the moment. But it can come back to haunt me because while I of course tend to write or post or photograph mostly the positive times in my life, it opens me up to judgement. Thus leads me back to feeling too much and on and on we go...But now having vented on here and checking my period tracker app, I know I am just being a little emo tonight and rightly so!