PS

Republicans can shut the hell up about their "concerns" on Obama's stimulus package. Where were they when Bush 8 years ago proceeded to sank our economy during his many short vacations before 911? Yep thats right, so right-wingers (basically a bunch of old white man on the hill) SHUT UP!

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

I am so into the tv show House, thanks to both Mom and Baba who are big fans of the show. The acting is superb. I also finished 2 books recently. 1 was called Here's the Story: Surving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice by Maureen McCormick. I had read Growing Up Brady: I Was A Teenage Greg by Barry Willams thoroughly enjoyed years before. I still have my copy at home at Baba's. The 2nd book I read going to and from NJ today (its an easy read) Couplehood by comedian Paul Reiser which I picked up earlier today for 2 bucks from Goodwill. I remember where I was when I read that book previously. It was in my Greenbelt apt master bedroom. It was one of the few bedrooms of my past that I really loved. It was strange to read it again today and I look forward to mailing it to Jack. Fun book to read.

Tonight's classes went well. My students are now at the point where they are comprehending more than 1 sentence at a time. Its an interesting step to see your students at, do they make the leap from single sentences to paragraphs (small paragraphs mind you). I enjoy my job a lot and feel so fortunate to do so.

My heel still aches. The best way to describe the ache is like when someone rams their shopping cart into the back of your heel and the ache that follows afterwards. The new Dr. Scholl's shoes are a dream!

Lastly its still FRIGGIN' cold that for once I shall be happy when spring rolls around. Usually I am not because of my allergies. But right now the fact is that February hasn't even begun! Old man winter is here to stay for a little while longer and I had better just get used to it. Now if only it snowed more than I could handle the cold.

Cheap shoes = Misery

Lesson learned
do not wear cheap shoes when you live in a city like this one. It messes you up! Last week I started having a pain in the back (not bottom) of my heel and it hurts. My old sneakers were ruined by the rain/snow of the late fall. And I did buy new ones during the break but figured I could wait till my aunt and uncle come for a visit in a few weeks. Boy was I WRONG. I looked online and found out the main culprit is ill-fitted shoes and I had been wearing a pair of winter boots for days and they offer NO support.
I had to ask off from work today because at media I am on my feet and yesterday the elevator broke. It was bad enough because they had me assigned to the furtherest building which if I am not in pain the extra walking is great. Otherwise it becomes torture.
Today I did go out only to buy GOOD shoes for teaching. I needed something now that I could wear in the slush and still look respectable. Plus they can't be sneakers. I found a pair of Dr. Scholls shoes for $40 and I think thats just fine. I also brought a pair of decent sneakers, no more flat foot shoes for me. No siree I learned my lesson.
This weekend is the Superbowl and I am excited because I've been invited to a Superbowl party by my friend Martin and his friends Liz and Rj (they are the greatest couple I've ever met!) I've invited Blondie, Eddie & Szymanski, it will be fun.
Last night I tried the theta-wave video to see if it would help me sleep again but it didn't have the same effect. I think its because I had already seen it before but I do like the music, it makes me feel like I am on the movie set of the "Karate Kid." You know waxs on, waxs off.
I have been working a lot on my lesson plans, I somehow lost my usb stick with my lesson plans from last year during the organizing of the apt and am having to start over again. I don't mind, I wanted to focus more on natural dialogue, basically a less linguistic approach to my teaching methods. Anyhoo, I want to get most of the semester done in the next 2 weeks to free up my time for my thesis. That way I can just look at the upcoming lesson plan and make any minor adjustments as needed.
The past few days I have been missing Jack quite so and it feels harder than it did last month. Perhaps February will be easier?
Lastly my latest mantra has been C'est la vie "That's life."

Melancholy abound

Lately I have been in a weird place. I feel rather at loss with what to do with myself. Jack being away has left me picking up pieces of myself and my life little by little. This is way different than when my ex dumped me because we are not broken up. Just apart for a little while due to circumstances. Sure we write almost daily no doubt but its no substitute for the emptiness it has left in my life.

Compound that with a string of unfortunate events in Nov and Dec that has left me feeling rather dejected at times but I also joke and laugh more easily. And I try to remember how lucky I am that I live in the greatest city in the world, BY MYSELF and mostly financially independent for the 1st time since I left Maryland. I have 2 jobs I LOVE and am bless to have bosses that I actually like. My family is the best family any girl could ask for. They don't care that I am Deaf with a capital D because I am not "OO" about it (overly obnoxious with my Deaf identity). My boyfriend who loves me unlike I've ever been loved by a man is even now reading up on relationships and writing to ask me my thoughts on this and that for our upcoming future on ways to be happier and healthier when he returns.

When we first began dating, I didn't feel like he was my best friend and that in itself created a lot of drama. Much of it was due to the fact that I didn't trust him. Not because he didn't deserve it but because I was so afraid of ever loving someone deeply as I had done so with my ex of 6 years. You see I didn't think deep down inside I truly believe someone could love me the way I had tried to love someone else before. I thought I had been extremely naive with my unconditional love in the past and all the pain I endured afterwards nursing a broken heart had been my fault. I had brought all this pain onto myself. I mistakenly had loved unequivocally and I felt like I had been a fool and figured Jack was making the same mistakes I had made. I figured ha, he doesn't know love, he just thinks he loves me but that's not how it works, cuz I KNOW, I've been there before. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he truly loved me explicitly from the git go and for a long time, I refused to hop on board. Now I realize that perhaps I wasn't so dumb or childlike with how I love, and maybe my ex was unable to accept my love for his own reasons? That even though I felt like a moron for loving him as much as I had, I am not a stuporous. The problem was, it prevented me from loving Jack fully and I am not going to hold back anymore when he returns. I am going to just have faith that its okay to love him the way I do. I am strong enough to deal with the future should we ever break up for good. But if I don't stop being afraid of being hurt, I am only holding US back from a loving and stable relationship. Jack shouldn't have to feel like I don't love him as much as I do and he did feel that way during the 1st half of our relationship. He knew I was always holding back and ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble. This caused a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings and I regret having been that way. I know that wasn't fair to Jack and I have owned up to it in the past year and a half. This time apart has been gut wrenching on account I live alone. And during my free time especially at night, I find myself reflecting considerably on the past few years here.

Am I depressed? No, I don't think so because I am not avoiding people. I am not feeling hopeless or unable to get things done. I do feel tired a lot though. And recently the past few days I have made a decision to use the time apart from Jack for a little selfish behavior. I am going to focus on ME. And areas in myself that I could use improvements. For example I have dealt with insomnia all my life. Part of it is the ADD and part of it is my inability to deal with stress efficiently. I remember about a year ago someone asked me what I do for fun and relaxation. And for the life of me, I really couldn't say what I did for MYSELF to bring a little contentment in my everyday life. I mean don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with people I love and doing projects like filming or taking photos at DPHH. And who doesn't love food, tv, computers, books and sleeping? Those are the norms but what do I do for myself at home to really unwind and ease my anxieties? Nothing. I am always trying to work on the apartment (the apt makeover still isn't done), plus deal with work and school related stuff. By the time I go to bed, my brain is still running at 90 mph. I cannot stop THINKING and dwelling and mulling and driving myself batty over whatever issues or problems I think I have.
So
I have decided that I am going to find ways to deal with the stress in my life effectively. Last night I surfed the net for suggestions on how to cope with stress etc etc. Of course meditation tecnhniques came up. That made me wonder are there any VIsUaL videos in terms of meditation that would help me? A lot of what I came across were audio meditations with verbal but soothing instructions on how to relax which is pointless for me because I cannot understand what they are saying anyways. I am not that hard of hearing. I did come across a really cool theta wave hypnosis meditation by Daniel George at DGhypno. I was so tired last night because I worked yesterday at Media from 8am to 9pm on 3 hours of sleep but I found this video really helped me to relaxs and I did find myself drifting some. I can't say whether or not it really works because I was bone tired anyways. Nevertheless I will try again later this week on a "normal" night of insomnia and let you know if its works or not? And I also don't know whether or not the music makes a difference? I mean which was actually relaxing me? The visual or the music or does it only work together? I am curious to find out more information on theta-wave hypnosis and how much of it can be triggered visually? For many years I have always been envious of hearing people in this one area, hypnosis. Granted I know it doesn't always work on every hearie out there but still, the odds are still in their favor. And if I ever do go back for my 2nd masters it will be in psychology and I will deafinitely cover hypnosis on deafies in my studies. Anyways this area of my "General Jen" reformation blueprint the ability to RELAXs and learn how to let go of my stress ranks as a high priority. And I will commit to this part of myself while I have this time alone to do so.

Wow, I feel so much better that for the 1st time in a long time, I wrote something on my blog that has any real substance rather than a status report which is boring even me. Here's General Jen (thanks Joe Joy for giving me that nickname) logging off.

All that and then some

Karen's visit went smoothly. Unfortunately it was the COLDest weekend by far. Mostly in the 10s and teens degrees. She arrived last week Thursday and we ate at the nearby diner called Tick Tock right by Penn Station. Then we headed back to my apt. Karen was tired so we stayed in most of the day. We only went out once that evening to a nearby deli where they have awesome BBQ wings!!!

Friday we got up and went to the nearby post office where I had some books waiting to be picked up. We hit the Goodwill on the way back to my apt to get ready to go out later to Little Italy for dinner. That night we went all the way down town looking for a good pizzeria in Little Italy and we came across Pylones which is a great store that takes ordinary objects and "artsified" them. I brought one of the items for Baba for a bday gift. but in a different color. And I also got Jack a cute little bat clock. We found a nearby place and ate pizza and calamri, delicious especially on such a cold night. Afterwards we planned to go to Guggenheim Museum because they have free admissions on Friday night. But when we were done eating Karen said it was too cold and wanted to just go back to my apt and chill out. We ended up watching a lot of movies while she was visitin

Saturday we met up with Blondie, Szymanski and Blondie's friend Jenco at Alice's teacup.

Here's Karen posing for me :)

minutes later the rest of the gang arrives. I just loved Szymanski coat, beautiful and a classic piece. I don't care if she looks like the SuperNanny, that coat was AWEsome! There are more photos, but I am waiting for Jenco to send them to me and I will post them later.

But little did we know when we went inside there would be a 2 hour wait! I had looked up the information for the place online and didn't see any way to make a reservation prior to our visit. I thought maybe 30 minute wait boy was I disappointed. We ended up going around the corner to a different place and ate brunch. It was good to see Jenco, I hadn't seen her in quite a few years. After we ate, we walked over to Dylan's candy store. I just took 1 artsy photo from the 3rd floor of the upperwall/ceiling. Once we were done there, it was time to return to Penn Station so Karen could catch her bus back to DC. I was sad to see her go but it was a pleasure having her with me for those 3 days. We never ran out of things to say and she talked about being engaged to her fiancee, a hearie who is learning ASL because as she told me that he told her "You may not be able to learn how to hear but I can learn how to sign." That's when she knew he was a keeper...

On Monday it SNOWED. I headed to TC to work on my thesis proposal and just loved how pretty and big the snowflakes were as they came down. I decided recently and after meeting with Rusty today not to use the students at the undergrad school where I teach, I don't want to jump through so many hoops just to have the IRB approval, instead I will focus on my TC peers and this weekend I can start planning on how to implement the research. I want to start using subjects in Feb and Blondie and I want to graduate this May together. So we've been harrassing one another to FINISH! Also she got the teaching job at the same University where I teach, yay! I am thrilled for her :-)

Mimi

Well Mimi did a pretty good job. She probably helped me eliminate well over 5-6 bags of trash and donated items. But she did NOT make my apt look pretty which was kind of what I had hope for. And she didn't know how to get rid of things (I had to convince her a few times to let things go, even if they were functional- they looked like crap). I paid her $150 and it was worth it. I feel a LOT better and can MOVE around in my apt, pah! Now I just have to clean the place, sweep, mop etc etc.. And I am hoping in March or April Mom will come and stay with me for a few days to help me tidy up and make the place look smashing. She has a good eye for where things go. I on the other hand do not, and usually it ends up my decorations looking chaotic and crowded together. I am really proud of myself, letting go things actually brought me relief.

Today I joined paperbackswap.com. A site that allows you to post books, DVDs, Cds you want to get rid of with other members. You just pay for SH which is very inexpensive when you go to the post office and tell them its media mail. This way I can get rid of the books I don't want and trade for books I haven't read.

Not much else is new, was home most of the weekend except Friday when I saw Martin and attended DPHH. Boy did a lot of deafies show up, snapped so many pictures for the website, yay! It was freezing cold too, half of my apt building yesterday had no electric. It only affected my bathroom so I wasn't able to shower (the hot water boiler was also affected by the lack of electricity). Con Ed spent well over 12 hours aside my apt doing technical stuff unknown to me. Only 3 more days and Karen arrives :-)

Caved in

I decided to end my misery and hire a professional organizer to come and fixs up my apt.. Its depressing the hell out of me, the way things are and it seems no matter how much I do, I don't make any real dent in the messes/piles etc etc.. So I emailed a bunch of people through craigslist and find a person who charges $20 an hour, her name is Mimi. Mimi will come on Saturday to assess the place (perhaps run away screaming in horror...) and stay for 2 hours. Then she will return on Sunday and work from 11am to 6pm. I am a nervous wreck about it because I have absolutely no idea what to expect? Will I have to work right along aside her or just oversee? Will she be able to convince me to let go of my crap? Will my apt look a lot better once she's done? God I sure hope so. I know some of you are like, What?! Are you crazy, to pay someone else to clean up your mess? But honestly its been 6 weeks of me living in my bedroom because I am immobilized with all of the stuff and I am just done trying. Once a system in put into place, I will be able to follow it. I specifically asked her to set up an area in the living room for Jack as his workbench station. His car parts and tools are png (person non grata) in the bedroom. The closet will be used for clothes and storage, not as a place for him to throw in his tools randomly or clean by throwing more crap into the closet. Nope we agreed, the living room is HIS. Bedroom is MINE. (And yes I will post before and after photos.)

Blondie what a sweetheart came over to my apt finally. She didn't say one bad word about my state of affairs. Kept saying Its not THAT bad... oh puhlez, I just love her to pieces! She gave me advice on some problem areas and what I can do to fix em up. We also assembled a cubby-hole unit whatchamacalit piece of furniture and then hit home depot before eating dinner at Eddies. I had such a nice time over there. I am totally able to be myself with the 2 of them and its relaxing not to have to put on a front. We watched Kung Fu Panda, wow what a good movie. My jaw actually dropped a few times with some of the action scenes. Jack Black rules ofc. In the special features there was even a short video that demonstrated how to use chopsticks. Also the night before I watched Switchblade Sisters which Szymanski had loaned me a while back and that too was a good movie. If you like Pulp Fiction, you'll love this one. Some of the lines and comments made in the movie were hysterical. Very 70s!!! And apparently the director Jack Hill is part of the Blaxploitation genre, basically this means the films were targeted to Black audiences using urban stereotypes and many Black advocacy groups in the 70s fought these kinds of movies. The term Blaxploitation is a combination of Black & Exploitation. But this particular movie wasn't focus on the Black community, there was a small part that had a female Black gang but otherwise it was all whitey.

Hmm what else is new??? Well my friend Karen comes to town in exactly a week, yay! I am so thrilled to finally have a visitor from out of town visiting. Blondie and I are trying to make plans to go to Alice's Teacup a place where people can go and have duh, tea and sandwiches. Blondie's friend JC (no not Jesus Christ) will also be in town and we figured it would be a nice place for lunch on Saturday.

Next Monday night I have a date with Blondie and Columbia U library to work on my thesis proposal. I got to get that ball rolling before school starts back up and I am working both of my jobs.

The Storage Unit Wars Continued....

Jesus I am getting really fed up with this storage unit I brought from Target. There are suppose to be 2 bars that hang across the middle of the top and bottom section of the unit. But for some freakin reason the ends of the bars will not stay put in their pockets, thus this was the 3rd time I hung stuff up only to find in minutes later piled down on the floor, with their sad hangers poking out in every which way.

Storage Unit set up
Unit: 0 pts
Me: 1 pts

Storage Unit with hang garments
Unit: 3 pts
Me: 0 pts

The Unit overcame super kRazy glue and another fancy schmancy glue gaurenteed to BIND. Now I am wrapping sturdy plastic around the area where it comes apart, and glueing it each time I wrap it around once. Thus my thumb and middle finger have glue shiny bits that I will be picking off for the rest of the night.

To be continued....