Killer day at work

Today was the first time I truly felt worthy of my new title at work. When I first started after the promotion I didn't have any support to make progress with the program. But now that we've hired a faculty member with a background in ASL, plus merging with another academic institution and this fall the students initiated the ASL Club, everything is falling into place. I worked my ass off today at work and it felt good. Now that I have my support system, I finally will fly!

But shhh...between me and you, I've been having a bad depressive episode the past two months. It was triggered by several things happening at once. Doesn't it always, "the shit hits the fan?" I am coping the best that I can. My friends have been great, but the solitude has been good too for reflection. My mother probably would digress that notion. Knowing I've always been on the melancholy side. Knowing I spend far too much time thinking. But mom I've gotten better at it, or at least I think I do?  Dysthymia depression runs in my family. Most of the time I'm good but sometimes I cave and have to take time to tend my psyche well being. Thank God Baba and I have one another, both of us suffer from this or the likes. It's helps to vent to one another.

My love life, wow I'm just too tired to go into that tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll post an update then?

Youthful Spirit

Tonight during my third date with Guy #3, the cutie paid me a wonderful compliment, he said I have a youthful spirit. It was a nice change of pace from the usual, you're so pretty, cute whatnot (he did tell me he thinks I am cute- which made me smile ear to ear) but the point being is, his remark was about my character. He also told me he could see that I was a good person and really care about other people. I liked that he looked beyond the superficial paid attention to my soul. I didn't reply back that I thought he was an old soul because I don't think he is, he is however a deep thinker and choses his time wisely on how and who he spends it with. I like that he is picky and clearly I am further along than other women he has dated in the past year and a half. Originally my first impression of him based on photos alone at the beginning of last August was that he was brooding type or moody. But I see now on our third date its a mixture of seriousness, shyness and reservations. It was nice how much he opened up tonight compared to the first two date. It was also great when he told me several times he likes me, thinks I am cute which as I type just makes me smile. We sure did smile a lot tonight. It was a nice change of smiling out of nerves to smiling out of enjoyment. Also he is easy to make laugh, I think sometimes he even surprised himself when he erupts in a laugh or two by some witty retort I dished out.

Some other perks that we bonded over was our love for astronomy and it turns out both of our favorite planet is Jupiter, that was really cool. I have never met anyone else who enjoyed astronomy or star gaze in a romantic fashion. I felt like we could actively share some similar interests such as camping, astronomy, day or weekend trips and so forth. We talked some of politics and while we both have somewhat similar beliefs, neither of us are gung ho, ranting and foaming at the mouth to talk politics. At one point he mentioned how I like to party and I said something to the effect of maybe you need a little more fun in your life and I need a little more of chill in mine? That's what a friend of mine told me the other night when I was feeling like maybe Guy #3 wasn't into me and showed him some of the most recent texts and he told me that Guy #3 seems easy going and I was like yeah and then my friend said "maybe you need more of that in your life" which stopped me in my track and yeah maybe I do? I kind of am looking for an anchor in some ways.

I was pleased too again based on my friend's suggestion because the last three dates have all been dinner which is great in a way but at the same time anyone who knows me will tell you I am an activity person. I thrive on DOing. Since coming back from Maine, I have been itching to paint. I went to groupon.com and found a one time painting class for two people later this month and bought it. During dinner as we ate salmon made at a place called French Roast I asked him what he was doing on the 18th, if he was free cuz you never know we are busy people, its NY after all. He asked me why so I just blurted out how I know he is an artist and skilled one at that, if he would want to take a painting class with me and gave him the details. I told him how he has been so generous with me I wanted to do something nice and treat him back, that day is on me. I am all for guys paying for dates but somehow it feels right to turn around and treat him for a change. I also let him pick one of the three ILY ASL pins that I bought earlier today at the Big Apple Deaf Expo down by south seaport. I think he appreciated it, even though its nothing he knows I was thinking of him. So now I have a fourth date for sure on the 18th (I got to call that studio tmw and get my rsvp for us because when I went to use the voucher online it didn't work). But maybe we will have a date next weekend before the 18th but if we don't I am not going to stress it out. I left tonight's date feeling surely things are unfolding well and honestly a a healthier pace than the last two real long term relationships I had where I dated both of my exes less than a month before we basically lived with each other. I can see neither of us are in a rush and that is fantastic. I did think it was funny where we discuss if things down the road did not lead to a love connection he would want to be friends and I was like I wouldn't. I told him frankly I got plenty of friends, I am looking for someone to be with my uno numero. That while he is a great guy he is, we were never friends and certainly not long term acquaintances. That from the git go this has been about whether we connect on a romantic level or not. If we don't then I would just go my separate ways. I think he was somewhat surprised by my honesty and firmness on that. I think its also good because I told him should he think things aren't going anywhere to just tell me, not string me along and he said he wouldn't knowing if he did tell me it wasn't working out. I would of course wish him well and go on with my life without maintaining a friendship with him. Apparently a lot of short term dating he has done with other women have resulted in lots of friendships but I am not going to be one of those consolation token friends. Nope. That's another thing he mentioned at one point earlier tonight how I can be somewhat 'black and white' and there are many shades of gray. He's right about that, I can be but it serves a purpose when you know what you will or won't put up with. I guess while it may come off as narrow minded, I kind of view it as boundaries and I dunno, if a guy isn't into me 100% then why is he even there?

All in all, I am starting to actually feel a little spark for the first time in ages. Sure I have had a lot of chemistry and fun the last few years but this is different. This is good :)

Hmm Guy #3

Yesterday I saw Guy #3 again for our second date. My attempts to do an activity over just sharing a meal failed. We met up at the Dumbo Art Fest. Thinking it might be the same event I attended a while back in a park somewhere in Brooklyn. But no, this was nestled by the water front and PACKed! It made the tourist scene at Times Square look like mere child's play. The cutie asked me to meet him by a carousel? So I waded through the mass with people constantly stopping dead front of me. Pure joy I tell you. Plus it was considerably warm and by the time I found the damn carousel I was sweating and red face. I could feel my cheeks were on fire and frankly it's embarrassing on a second date. This woman who left the Bronx looking cute and all ended up looking like a cherry tomato! Ay yi yi, since it was a mob scene with strollers about, it was clear to both of us we don't like that kind of crowds.
In a round about way we ended up in a nearby neighborhood that once again raised my body temp it was bad. I dunno what that cutie was thinking because he was no where as overheated as I. Did I look out of shape? Later in the date I eventually fessed up about how I had a sweat gland removed a while back and now my body over reacts when I'm too hot. And between you and me, I was also on day #2 of my period and proud of myself for not canceling the date entirely because of that. However I ended up with a raging headache that lasted well into today :(
Despite all of my physical discomfort in which I never complained about, he was aware of the headache but that's it. Anyways despite all that, I had a really nice time with him. He's certainly easy on the eyes and while he doesn't make me laugh, he is quick to laugh with me or at me when I'm funny which we all know is often. Especially when I'm in a good mood.
Now onto the nitty gritty break down of the date. I think at times we both were unsure of what to talk about? And I'm not the kind of woman who's uncomfortable with silence. In fact I think it's more than okay to be quiet and still be together. There was a lot of smiling and at the end of the date, a very sweet soft kiss that I really enjoyed before I turned away and headed to the A train :)
Guy #3 is very artistic, I was thoroughly impressed by the previous projects he had completed. Talented and clearly very patient. I also liked that he didn't have just one focus, some of the works I saw involved metals, others wood and so forth. I showed him one of my movies and he actually got the ending! :) I found out that he's very fluent in quite a few languages, I believe 5 or so, Spanish, German, Portuguese, Italian (?), I think currently he's in the process of acquiring French. Very impressive! He asked me some questions about ASL, that was fun. I like that he's brainy and focused.
He was excited to learn that I enjoy camping. It turned out he has already camped in the same camp ground as Lake Canopus. I also learned that there are 4 seasons tents, at which I originally thought he meant as a brand name. Heh no he meant the tent can be used all around the year. I replied my tent is from Wal-Mart ;)
So what happens nexts? I don't know, I'm not going to get too excited or thinking it's even going to lead to anything serious but for now it's nice to have gone out with a decent guy and actually enjoyed myself.

23 more to go

What a week! Baba was in the hospital, unknown to me till after she got back home. It seems her heart was ONLY beating 30xs per minute so they put in a heart pacemaker. Most folks heart rate is anywhere from 60-100xs per minute. The average person faints when their heart rate gets as low as 40xs per minute. Baba is uber strong! I really hope now that her heart is beating more regularly that the quality of life improves for her? If yes then this incident was a blessing in disguise.

Onto other news;
All 4 guys I was dating, I'm only in touch with one now. Guy #1 with the fraternal sister accepted my offer to be friends. He kind of sensed I wasn't into him like he was with me.
Guy #2 didn't accept my friendship which is fine because we had almost nothing in common.
Guy #3 I'm not sure if we will date again? His and my schedule keeps clashing. That's alright because he was a bit uptight for me. And he wasn't funny at all and when I asked if he likes comedies, he said no. Huh no to comedies?
Guy #4 was only after one thing and I wasn't looking for casual sex but to date so I sent him packing. Too bad because the chemistry was off the chart!

Now I'm actually talking to 3 different Deaf guys, two live locally, one lives in Wisconsin, so I don't think that will go anywhere but it's a nice change of pace. I'm also talking to a few guys online as well. So far this year I've been out with 7 different guys. No two alike. I was reading online about one woman who was over 40 and proactively dating said she dated 30 different guys in a 15 month span before she met her now husband. Hmm, 7 down, 23 more to go?

Have I turned into a Playa?

I never thought I would see the day where I ended up dating 4 different guys during the past few weeks. Three of them from online dating and one was someone I met in person. Two of them are older than me both 41 yrs old, two of them younger than me both 34 yrs old. Three of them have first names that start with the letter J, the fourth starts with an S. Two of them Caucasian, two of them Spanish/Latino. Three of them are taller than me, one of them is my height or close. One guy is big like a football player (reminds me of Teddy Bear), muscular, broad, yummy. One guy is somewhat chubby. One is average and the fourth is wiry, lean and cute! In terms of braininess, I find it refreshing that some of these guys are readers, and prefer independent films or documentaries but are they intellectual snobs? Elitist who may make me feel like I am too immature or unworldly to appreciate things as seriously or as highbrow as they do? I truly want any future romantic relationships I have to be with a man someone who's a reader but still knows how to cut loose and have fun.

And now recently for two of them (one 41 yr old and one 34 yr old) I just rejected via email. And here's why...and for the sake of separating the 4 guys I will give them #s.

Guy #1, age 34 born and raised in NYC, in the Bronx to be exact but lives LES, proud of his Irish roots and a very sweet and kind of quiet guy. Straight edge, goes to Mass on Sunday evenings, works FT, employed at UES (Museum) for the past 10 yrs. Has a twin sister, clearly fraternal, visits both his mom and sister regularly. Enjoys reading, has an antiquated view on technology and money conscious. We went out on 3 dates and he was a gentlemen and pleasant to be with. I just unfortunately not attracted to him, absolutely zero chemistry. I also didn't like some of his views or behaviors. I didn't like how he slouched, his lips were chapped all the time. He also seem to be in some ways hostile to children. While it was nice neither of us wants kids, I don't have a problem with children in general. I like most kids and extremely close to my nephew, Mama Raccoon's son who I see regularly and am a proud auntie. He really didn't want to be around kids and specifically goes to Mass on Sunday nights just because there aren't kids there and they don't drag the service as long when the kids aren't around. Then he added how it's good since "we both don't like children." That irked me. I was concerned too because he had no real social life and was happy to do most things by himself. I couldn't see how my social life would blend into his? I already detected he spends large amount of time alone and that's fine for him. He deserves someone like that, who's more of a loner, a partner in crime who would make him their social life and vice versa. Sometimes when I be in a lounge or a club somewhere and I look around and try to visualize Guy #1 there with me? It just wasn't going to happen. I need someone a little 'cooler.' I also felt bad because at the end of date #2, I leaned in and kiss Guy #1 peck on the cheek and went for a second peck and could hear him after each peck say "mwah!" which I thought was so cute. However at the end of third date I was still at the end of a bad cold so I still had short and random cough fits. Guy #1 leaned in to kiss me and I quickly turned so he only kissed my cheek and sprouted some bullsh*t about how I still had a cold and feel 'yucky' but wow, he still wanted to kiss me after I occasionally coughed and blew my nose. He even bought me a $25 gift card for Barnes and Nobles as a belated birthday gift. Damn damn damn why couldn't I like him back?!? He was even learning fingerspelling and ASL phrases for me!

Guy #2, age 41, divorced, has one son who's a sophomore in HS and one daughter who's a sophomore in college, as they're 4 years apart. Lives in JC, has an amicable relationship with his ex wife, sees his kids regularly, works FT, most of what he talks about are his kids (his social life) because during the weekends he is usually doing something with one of them, likes to hike and do day trips. Grew up in NJ about an hour or more south of the city. He liked me from the git go, after our first date as he was leaving and I stayed at a club, I walked him outside to say goodnight and give him a hug and possible peck but he tried to make out with me and I didn't stand for that, just pushed him back a little and said goodbye. I was flattered but too much too soon. Plus we never did anything, both times we met for dinner and then he came with me when I went to meet up with friends (mind you this was during my summer break, that's why I was going out so much, utilizing the last days of freedom). He too did not blend into the scenery with me. He remarked that he's a guy from the suburbs and a Dad and he is. However I am not looking for a Dad, I am looking for a guy who I won't come in second to with their kids. I think dating him as made me realize I should date men who don't have kids. I know that cuts or reduces my dating options but really why kid (pun intended) myself when I know I don't want to deal with the hassle of dating someone with kids. As I wrote before I like most children but I like them to be other people's children and not my partner's world. I also did not feel chemistry and was a little annoyed when the 2nd date he tried to "claim" me. This is something I really don't like whenever I am out dancing is when a guy tries to "claim" me in front of the rest of the dancers. Such as putting their arms around me, or standing so close by in my personal space or trying to force me to dance with them by grabbing my hands etc etc.. Guy #2 was only guilty of coming from behind me and wrapping his arm around me and planting a kiss on my cheek. Ugh I hate being hugged from behind, I always have. And the only reason he kissed my cheek is I moved so he couldn't kiss me on the lips. As a matter of fact I kept excusing myself to take photos or short videos as to kind of separate myself. Again for our second date he left before I did because he had to work the next morning and also was taking his daughter to her orthodontist appointment to possibly get braces. Guy #2 tried to kiss me more than a peck and I moved away and sprinted back to my friends dancing. We were suppose to meet up last Wed but I gave him an excuse about it being the first day of work and all. I didn't see the point in going on a third date with Guy #2. I also had trouble understanding him sometimes, apparently he has a NJ accent? But whenever I asked him to use his phone to type of the words or whatever he didn't would either repeat or skip it. No thank you, I want a guy who at least meets me 1/2 way when it comes to communicating.

As a matter of fact I was starting to feel guilty about both Guy #1 and Guy #2 for leading them one when I am not interested. Not that I ever meant to lead either guys on. Still I was doing the 'fade away' route which is reprehensible and that's not who I am. And I owe it to both of these nice guys, ironically both whities that I only see them as friends. In a perfect world I would have told them in person but by doing so I would be agreeing to another 'date' and I certainly didn't want to meet up with either of them to turn them down face to face. I know even a phone call would be okay to turn them down for future dates but I am Deaf. Using relay to call them would be wrong on so many levels and certainly cold. In the end I decided to send both of them an email stating how much I appreciated the time we spent together and that I wasn't feeling the spark they both deserve when dating someone. It was clear I didn't see a long term future with either of them. But out of both of them, I would very much like to stay friends with Guy #1, he enjoys doing things like the museum and going to the movies. He is an 'activity' person which I dig and he likes the same music I did from back in the 90s, 2000s, and while I think its a little weird how much time he spends alone, I also admire that trait as well. I can do many things by myself but going to events or to the movies no, I want to share that experience with someone else. He does too, he remarked only recently did he start to want to share his life with someone and that even though in his 20s having a relationship wasn't that important, it has become important now in his mid 30s. That's another thing about him, he feels so old compare to me. He still uses a flip phone and checks email at work because he doesn't have internet at home. In his own little weird way he tried to own me too. We would be walking for example at the movies and he would place his hand on my lower back as almost to guide me or steer me in a certain direction. Or if we be walking on the side walk he would try to be on my left side, the side closest to the street but my hearing aid is on my right side so I often have to be the one closest to the street when I am walking with hearing people in general. Guy #1 is typical of most guys in this city, they want to 'protect' the female which if I was hearing would be great.

Guy #3, age 41, lived in NYC for 20 years and I like to refer to him as a cutie but maybe moody guy, we have only been out on one date so far, as I have been in and out of town a lot and he recently moved from Inwood (Manhattan) and not that far from me to Prospect Park area in Brooklyn. I remember during our date him talking about moving soon and how he needed a change as he has lived in Inwood a long time. Turns out he just moved about 2 weeks ago and between work and settling in and me going back to work we haven't had time to meet up. He once texted me at 7:30ish pm last week Wed, asking to me meet up that night. But I was with Blondie at Applebees catching up and sharing notes about our first day back to work and her new job! I am so proud of Blondie for finding and getting this job on her own, yay! Anyways I obviously didn't meet up with Guy #2 and specified when I was free. I even invited him to join me and my friends last week Friday night, sent him the info and he texted me that night asking me if I was out somewhere and I responded I would be within the hour then he texted me the next day apologizing, saying he fell asleep early that night. I didn't take offense either way because I had fun whether he was there or not. Guy #3 was born I think in Brazil or was it Chiles? Moved to the states in his early 20s, I think his family lives in Texas? Not sure, works full time with programming or something like that. To me he seems like a serious guy, he says doesn't really watch TV but if he does its mostly documentaries and I think foreign subtitled films? I remember asking if he liked comedies and he said no. I almost wonder if that's due to cultural differences? After all he grew up in South America. He thought I was funny, often laughed when I made jokes. During our date after we ate we went to a dive bar not far from a club I was heading to later that night. We had a few drinks and talked more. Before we left he used the bathroom and I noticed both a photo booth and a pinball machine. When he came back I asked him if he wanted to play pinball and remarked 'look they have a photobooth' thinking it be great to do. But he declined to play pinball and I wasn't going to push the photo booth, so I played one game and he watched. At the end of the date we hugged and went our separate ways. I appreciated that.

The ironic thing is I saw Guy #1 for our third date where we went to the movies. We walked around Saint Marks to kill time as we had 20 minutes before it began and already bought our movie tickets. Guy #1 spotted a Pac-Man machine and another video machine which contained my old school favorite, Galaga Space Invaders game from the 80s.

The Pac-Man was out of order so we played Space Invaders because Guy #1 spotted them as we were walking at an entrance of some eatery and said "let's play!" Fascinating really how different each guy is. Guy #3 and I have kept in touch via text. I am sure we will go out again sometime later this month when we both have free time. I want to get to know Guy #3 better before I make any decisions about him.

Guy #4 is actually a neighbor, originally from Dominican Republic but I think mostly grew up here in NYC. I always thought he was attractive and I liked how he has a nice smile, very unusual for guys to have a nice smile that comes off as genuine. Well I ran into him on the elevator again and this time I was still on the birthday bender and extremely chatty so we got talking one day and turns out his Mom lives on my floor down the hall from him. We hung out twice and the chemistry is unbelievable. He has two small children a boy I think age 5 and a girl I think age 7 who both live with their mom and he seems them several times a week. He was with his ex and the mother of his children for 12 yrs and it seems he can barely tolerate her now. Guy #4 is lucky though she only lives 10 minutes away so its not hard for him to be with his kids. We have flirted a lot both in person and via text but I am unclear of his intentions. I am looking for a partner,  someone to date seriously. I am not sure if he is too or looking for booty call? He is not that good with texts and since I came back from PA, I haven't seen him. He wanted to see me one night but it was last minute and I was on my way out. Then towards the end of last week I texted him asking if he was free at all this weekend to finally meet up? As he texted me he was glad to see I am back. Clearly he checks for my car when he is parking or at home. His apartment and his Mother's apparent faces east and overlooks my street and houses across the street while my apartment faces west and I have a nice view of the Hudson River and Manhattan and NJ. Anyways he replied he was busy this weekend. Okay no problem, I was too but then he texted me out of the blue on Sunday afternoon he texts me "hi" and "what are you doing?" I was a little annoyed because he had told me he was busy this weekend and I figured hey you told me you were busy and already had plans to go way downtown to Houston Hall for one of my nightlife friend's fashion event that was free and early enough so that I could get home not too late. I ignored his texts for two reasons.
Reason #1, sometimes he texts me crap like "hi" and then I will respond back in a brief text hi back and maybe ask a question or I will have answered his question and then there's no further texts. To me this may be a case of 'inflating one's ego' perhaps since he got out of a long term relationship he wants to date or bed as many women as possible and I am just one of several he texts daily. Who doesn't enjoy feeling wanted or desired? But I will not become a man's text buddy simply to stroke his ego as its a waste of MY time
Reason #2 as to why I didn't reply is, if he can't contact me in advance to make plans like the other 3 guys are doing, then why should I give him the time of day? Granted the chemistry is unbelievable but I am not going to be just another notch on his belt of 'conquests' if that's indeed the case? Its hard to know because I haven't seen him in a while and I am not playing text message tag with him. He will either lose interest in me completely and we just be polite when we run into each other. Or he will decide to put more effort into pursuing me but either way the ball is in his court. If it doesn't work out, no biggie as I am using my head and not my hormones, pheromones etc etc..

If I could make a perfect man out of all four guys I would
Use Guy #1 sense of kindness and consideration as well as the ability to enjoy doing various activities with me. Combined with Guy #2 for being a regular good guy who can cut loose and enjoy a beer and good food, with pieces of Guy #3, his intelligence and seriousness, almost brooding appearance with Guy #4 body and chemistry I would have the perfect man! For now though Guy #3 and Guy #4 I will see how things go over the next few weeks.

And I'll start paying better attention to my online profile and respond to guys messages, I kind of stopped for a while because 4 different guys was a lot for me to juggle. I am proud of myself for not falling into old habits or only dating 1 guy at a time or falling for a guy too quickly. I am dating 'like a man.' Funny a few weeks ago I was kind of bragging that I am a player because I was dating so much that guy who runs in similar circles as I do and is dancer as well as a model and recently got casted in the Netflix series Orange is the New Black! Anyways he was hitting on me hard and said "when you going to play me? Like tonight? You can abuse me too" I laughed at the absurdity of what he typed on his phone to me and when I told him I was going back to the dance floor he made me promise not to forget him. Whatever man, I don't bother taking guys at clubs seriously, they just want to get laid 99% of the time. I just think its crazy how much attention I am getting at my age?! And I am also relieved that dating or getting dates is not that hard, I just have to put in the effort and communicate with the guys :)

Back to reality

Today was the second day back to teaching. The first day yesterday went great, I was glad the 7 year curse of the "1st day of school" snafus! Things like the LCD projector not working or the copy machine has a long line of teachers waiting to use it so that by the time it was my turn the machine would be out of ink or paper or jammed etc etc.. that was a nice change to not have any snafus occur.
However today class went okay. I think it's because I'm annoyed by my current schedule even though it's not a major big deal, it is an economic inconvenience for me, cost of gas and tolls just to teach one class is annoying. Toppled with going to bed too late for me own good did not put me in the best of moods. Still it wasn't a bad first day for my third class. And starting next week I'll be meeting weekly with the new hiree to help get the program started. I'm very excited to be doing that. So maybe I should look at going to my job one extra day a week as a good thing. I'm definitely going to try. I think also I know it's going to be a bitch to get home on Thursdays. Perhaps I can go to Blondie home in NJ on Thursdays since she works Friday mornings in NJ anyways.
Tomorrow I definitely got to make some phone calls, something else I don't like doing. For example I got a bill for an unpaid toll charge even tho I had my EZ pass that automatically renews itself they claim I had insufficient funds so I just paid the stupid $60 & now I've received a new bull adding more penalty fees despite the fact I already paid is crazy so I gotta call and deal with whatever bullshit bureaucracy idiots by phone, grr
I also have to call and get the appointment with the rheumatologist changed to a day I'm off from work, more bullshit that no one likes to deal with.
Then when I'm done I can go out and DANCE. I just have to use that as an incentive to go out and DANCE and not feel like I'm neglecting important things.
Miss my family too hope to go in a few weeks.
This past week for the long holiday weekend I had a great time. I'm beginning to have respect for Brooklyn. For a long time I didn't enjoy going there for underground House Music etc etc but this past month I realized Brooklyn is cooler than I knew. Yet I still don't want to live there. I love my apartment and location. The only drawbacks to where I love honestly is the lack of food choices when it comes to ordering takeouts or sitting down to a meal. For that I can go in any directions and funds better good choices, be it south of me in Manhattan, west of me in NJ, north of me Yonkers and beyond, and west of me LI, Queens.
The other day I rearranged me bedroom and I really like it now. Change is needed.

The Power of Now and its ramifications...

There's nothing worse and demoralizing to feel helpless or that no one is helping you. That all you can do is TRY to keep your head above waters. Some days its way more tiring burden then others.

Right now a family member is in crisis and this crisis of course has a ripple effect that sadly brings out sometimes the worst in us. My family has never been one to sit down and have an 'open dialogue' like you see on the shows such as "Wife Swap" "Super Nanny" "Shalom in the Home" and so on. I watch these shows and applaud these people for being willing to open and honest with one another. But instead, we, my family tends to cluster in pairs or small groups. I am worried for this person. I am worried for them a lot and I feel this crushing weight of responsibility that makes me want to run off and escape. I feel disgraceful and like this is a reflection of my love for this family member(s) but that's not the case at all. Its just that I too have my limitations and a finite amount of inner resources and I just honestly don't know how to proactively help? However I do know myself well enough to know I am not capable of ruminating about the problem if there is no known solution. It wears me down. I know other people cope with stress differently and I wish I wasn't a highly sensitive person.

As of late, I have been dancing, listening good music, good company and its my way of coping I guess. I have also tried to seize as many opportunity to swim whether its in a lake or in a pool. I am glad I went swimming a lot more this summer than I had in the past. I look at it this way, its healthy for me, dancing and swimming. Besides I also live in the greatest f*cking city in the US (I can't speak of other international cities) I would be a fool not to seize the opportunities that come my way. Even if it means getting sick and run down. I rather do as much living as I can while I can. I just find it so damn hard to strike a healthy balance between being there for my family and love ones and still enjoying my last bit of freedom. I am also bummed my vacation that ends next week.

Baba remarked to me today or yesterday that her sister Miriam was also well loved. My aunt Miriam passed away recently a few months ago, just shy of her 93rd birthday. My first ex was also baffled and I think jealous of that too, he couldn't understand why I was so well liked. Even my last ex noticed and would make sometimes good observations about why he thought people reacted to me the way they did. Then again he also tried to brainwash me that I was somehow 'different' then all the other Deafies!?! Which I really hated. And I since I am a highly sensitive person, it can be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I guess I am more relatable than the average Jane and but a curse because I am more relatable than the average Jane. Its ironic too because growing up I was lonely but since my high school days at MSSD, I have hardly felt lonely but instead been so lucky, blessed, fortunate whatever the right terminology to have so many wonderful friends in my life both close and afar. Along with a wonderful and loving family, I know I am not alone.

I know I can come off as gregarious at times but the reality is. I in those moments am doing what Osho Eckhart Tolle once wrote "live in the now" basically be present in the moment. But it can come back to haunt me because while I of course tend to write or post or photograph mostly the positive times in my life, it opens me up to judgement. Thus leads me back to feeling too much and on and on we go...But now having vented on here and checking my period tracker app, I know I am just being a little emo tonight and rightly so!

Amazing birthday marathon!

So I managed to do a 6 day birthday marathon before I along with several others caught a summer cold of sorts. Of course I got it worst than everyone else as usual. I accept I have a weak immune system, it is a fact and I don't dispute it one bit. I am home again today with a cold that has turned into I think a chest cold. If I am not better in a few more days or still coughing up icky stuff then off to the doctors I go. I don't want or need bronchitis! Its kind of funny because the other day before I got sick I was thinking how long its been since I was really sick with anything other than headaches and body aches that goes along with chronic bouts of fibromyalgia, meaning things like colds, upset stomach some kind of bug caught ailment. I am sure it has a LOT to do with the fact I am not under chronic stress or in a dysfunctional relationship that eroded my self esteem. I know it t has a lot to do with me being healthier over all. Plus this cold while annoying and not fun, isn't as bad as having the flu or a real major fibro flare up! And I am lucky because I am on vacation so the normal guilt I feel when I am sick and missing work isn't there making me feel 10xs worst. Instead I am medicating myself with dayquil, nyquil and gone into hibernation bear mode where I just sleep sleep sleep and let me body fight the invaders. Watch tv, listen to good music and FB with friends. Plus I have been Skyping or FTing with friends as well, technology is great!

Also earlier in the week someone threw a hissy fit and instead of getting annoyed I just posted funnies about angry people :P

Moving on from the bs....to my birthday cake!

 

Mama Raccoon was so sweet to bake me a "pioneer cocoa chocolate cake!" with cute little star candles, how loved am I?!

 

The lake was my little slice of heaven! I can't wait to go back Labor day weekend!

Back to my birthday marathon this past week! I had so much fun, saw so many friends it humbled me tremendously to know many people care about me. Sometimes it takes me by surprise, like what's the fuss for? 'little old me?' nah, and I occassionally look around to see who its really for. Yeah I know self esteem not always at an all time high. But its wayyyyy better than it used to be. That's the positive with getting older, you just don't care anymore and focus on what makes you happy and your small world you live in.

I HEART House Music!!!

 

So what's House Music all about for the mere vanilla Dick and Jane? One word or actually its probably closer to two but it's  A Hive...  As long as there's good music, people will dance. Once you're bitten by House Music, the music just keeps on playing. Totally LOVE Love LOVE that about NYC night life. I'm spoiled when I go out of town, no where is the night life comparable to NY!  Bottom line just shut up and dance! W00t!

 TBA

 Tony Touch at Cielo

 Haus

 Enjoying Cielo

 My attitude lately, a Miley Cyrus moment!

 Haus

 Dolled up but it was windy outside

 Cielo

 Haus

 Secret after hours party

 ABC city before a meeting a new date

 Cielo

Cielo

 

  Some private location which I don't name of but it was good!  

 

 

   

Slake

 

Slake

  

Slake 

   

Enjoying Slake

 

 

LePoison Rogue

 

LePoison Rogue

I am I am!