Growing Pains

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

– Kim McMillen

Staying Present

Someone wrote about their response to grief "I have to stay in the present time or I can't hold it together"
That about sums it up. Tonight makes it 6 weeks since Mom died. Right about this hour I was asked if I wanted to maintain DNR for her? And after learning all the facts and seeing her rapid decline within that hour and a half after I arrived at 8pm, I said yes maintain DNR.
They turned off all the machines and monitors 2 hrs from now at 11:30pm, at 11:40pm, she died.
Every Tuesday since then has been the worst day of every week. 
I miss her so much

Deconstructing Mom's Place

It's been hard slowly deconstructing my Mother's home. On the one hand every time a family or friend takes one of Mom's things I feel good they're taking a little of Mom home with them. However, it's bittersweet to see my Mom's home becoming less and less hers. With each picture I take off the wall or small piece of furniture is out of place, it hurts. I do it in small weekly dosages. Every Saturday afternoon I'm here. I have 2 to 3 weekends left to finish with it all. It will be hard to say goodbye to a home I've been coming to for almost 14 years! Just 1 year longer than I in NYC.
Oh well as Mom would say "J....  it is what it is"

Grief update

I managed to get back to sleep this morning for a few hours...
This coming Tuesday will be 4 weeks since Mom died.  I have been extremely antisocial at work last week and know I'll be so again this week. I don't want to be bothered by anything beyond my job.  I don't want to deal with the co workers and all the extra stuff that I do.
I find my mind to be like a broken record especially when I'm alone or sleeping my mind plays endless loops of Mom. I try to think of other things but to no avail. The crying spells comes and goes. I don't mind,  I'm not going to try to bury my grief, only live thru it.
My Mom's cat Callie is now mine. It makes me happy that Mom knows her cat is with me and will be taken care of for the rest of her kitty life.
I also feel tired and achy all the time. With the dark winter months ahead, I'm worried I'll fall into a major depressive episode.
I'm not sure why I wrote all this but I needed to vent.

The Logistics of Death

I have this month of October to go through Mom's things and what to put into storage etc etc..

I got a lot done at Mom's place yesterday with her kitchen and bathroom. Plus my childhood best friend Paula along with Uncle David made the afternoon bearable. It's so hard to be in her home and she's not there. And painful to slowly deconstruct her home. She lived there for almost 14 years! This was one of my homes and I know with each passing weekend,  I will have to say goodbye to my Mom's place.

Sitting on my Mom's couch yesterday made me ache for her presence so much. We spent many moments in her living room talking, eating, watching tv or movies.  I miss her so much.

Woke up at 5:15am with thoughts of Mom.. Hope to get back to sleep some in a while.

I am also ashamed that I never knew the depth of my love for my Mom until she was gone.

Parent loss grief support

On FB I've joined a support group for those who have lost a parent and it's so helpful. And sad to read other people's heartbreaks.
One woman lost her father and gave him CPR for 20 minutes but he still died last Feb and she feels alone and guilty.
I wrote this as my reply
"My Mom died 2 weeks ago and I was with her at the end. There's a quote that sums up how we feel "if love could have saved you, you would've lived forever" so know we are but fragile and insignificant human beings, mortally flawed but our hearts knows no bounds. Someone wrote the day after my Mom died "grief is love with no where else to go" so know that yours and my grief is just like our hearts with no limits. May you find some comfort with your friends and love ones and vent here anytime. Gentle hugs"
I've been gliding video msgs with friends and am blessed with a great job and co worker support system. Being in this FB grief support group helps me to realize that I am not alone with my grief. And that compared to some who have no one, I am lucky to have so many friends and family that loves me and keeps me from falling to my knees and giving up.

I'm still here, kind of...

Yesterday marks 2 weeks since my Mom died and I'm still struggling so much. All of these memories come rushing back to me and EVERYTHING is a huge effort. I'm dreading going back to work next Monday and dealing with so many people. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. But instead I wake up in random intervals to memories of Mom and my heart keeps breaking off into little shards that cut my soul and spirit. Life without her seems unbearable.
Baba, my 91 year old grandmother, my Mom's mom has been a great source of comfort to me and I to her.
Yet all I do lately is overeat, cry. watch the show "6 feet under" and try to pass the hours so I can go back to sleep.
I try to be comforted by my cat Rosie Nova and my Mom's cat Callie Maui Wowie, who's now mine. But all the joy is no where to be found. I can't get over the future and all the plans we still had and how it's all GONE and I'll never see her again.

"Alive or just breathing?"

Saw the quote In used for the title of my post today. I'm here but not really,  my mind is like a broken record that screams to me in random intervals, Mom is DEAD.

There will be no more specially made birthday cakes, or favorite meals prepared just for me. No more lunches out together, or playing Skipbo or Acey Deucey. No one to watch rom-coms Netflix DVDs or Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy in which Mom knew 85% or more of the answers to. No more corny jokes she heard at the doctor's office or list of errands for me to drive Mom around to. No more holding her hand when there was a big step up or down somewhere, or buying the same pairs of shoes at Payless or cat treats at Wal-Mart for Mom's "spoiled brat" at home,  her ever "demanding royalty" kitty Callie. No more bringing Mom hot honey balls from the Greek bazaar in November or Passover dinner in the spring with Baba and uncle David. No one to sing songs with in the car or make rude remarks about idiot drivers waiting for "a hand engraved invitation" or someone "taking their car for a walk." Or pulling into a great parking spot and remarking "it's the Perlis' luck!" We always get good spots. No more recited recipes or beautifully spoken poetry or Shakespeare. No more sweet smiles and hearing her say "I love you the best" or "I love you to pieces" just a lot of no mores in my future and I'm having a terrible time feeling alive anymore. I'm not suicidal but I'm here kind of.

I'm dreading going back to work next week. My job requires a lot of communications with numerous people and I just don't have any thoughts left to give. I want to be left alone and only feel okay with my family and close friends and I feel like the laws of gravity changed, EVERYTHING is an effort. Both Baba and I  are both deep in mourning. My Mom passed away 3 weeks ago tmw, the memorial service was on Saturday 2 days ago and I'm still an empty shell of who I used to be.

Mom's Memorial

My Mom's Memorial turned out beautifully. And all the people that mattered and cared about her came yesterday. It was a bittersweet gathering and I was honored to be able to give my Mother a proper farewell.
But my heart doesn't know how to say goodbye, only knows the ache of her absence has left me. My mind jumps through decades of memories of my Mom, my childhood and all the wonderful years we had together. I know eventually the pain will subside but not anytime soon nor should it.

Unicorns carousels

In less than 12 hrs, I'll be in the middle of my Mother's Memorial Service. I have recently did the last photo of MANY for her Memory board.

My mind in many ways still cannot process a life without Mom in it. When it finally does, I'm more depressed than before.

I miss my Mom so much! I love how the few knick knacks that she did have are unicorns, 3 of them are carousels with unicorns. Too sweet, that's my Mom <3

Autopiloting Through Life

Soon to meet with my Aunt Nancy to make my Mom's memory board for tmw's Memorial Service.
I take it 1 hr at a time.  I have periods of normalcy that sometimes dissolves into a hot pile of tears and other times it's a stiffled or doesn't quite reach the service almost cry or I think of it more like a dry cry.
My focus is still shit, can barely sit thru a tv show or movie, with the exception of Star Trek TNG or Voyager. Both Baba and I watch those and we've started to watch Six Feet Under.
I go thru a lot of motions and often to my surprise I finished whatever I've started, didn't even know it.  A lot of "autopiloting" in my life right now.
I also spend vast amounts of time just thinking about and remembering what a great Mom I had.  How sorry I am she's not here, how much I loved her and miss her smiles and voice. I mourn for the future memories that we were cheated of. 

Day 5 of life without Mom

Today is day 5, sleep still mostly rosters eludes me. Waking up is so damn hard. Knowing today is another day without my Mom. And then I can't breathe, the hot tears rolling down and I just lie in bed, what else can I do? You can't go around grief only thru it. I really hate waking up!

Yesterday I changed my profile pic to my Mom and was so pleased how many people told me she's beautiful.  She spent most of my life feeling unattractive. You see my Mom had a very hard life, she had a bad accident before I was born that left her with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and overcame many obstacles was successful in her life. And she was beautiful both on the outside and within.

My Mom loved me to pieces

Someone on a FB grief support group wrote
"Grief is love with no where to go"
Sleep still eludes me most nights. I've been awake since 530am, Baba since 6am. She's gotten more sleep than I but then again she's more than twice my age. I can't imagine being 91 years old and losing my daughter who was 1 day shy of turning 65. Watching my Mom take her last breath has haunted Baba since. She remarked everytime she closes her eyes that's all she sees. Seeing Mom die doesn't haunt me just her being dead and never getting to see her smile again and tell me she still loves me the best does.

I've asked everyone that if they still have parents or caregivers to be sure to hug them and tell them you love them. It is a privilege to be able to do so.

The last few days

The mornings are still really bad for me. It feels like I can't breathe.

I dread going to her apartment to go thru her things.

I can't be alone much and seek solace with my family in real life and my friends via video msgs, texts and emails.

I am insanely jealous of people who's Moms are still here and I hope they know not to take their mothers for granted.

I don't even want to feel better,  in doing so, it makes me feel like I would be trivializing the impact and the large hole in my heart, in my world.

Fire and Rain

There's a song by James Taylor called Fire and Rain

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"

Baba mentioned this song to me a few times since Mom passed and it brings tears to my eyes.

The grief and devastation comes in waves. I don't how to live without my kind, sweet Mother here. The joy in my life is gone for now and I doubt it will be back anytime soon.

Today my mother's obituary will show up in the paper. My Mom is dead, this isn't just some horrible dream that I can rouse myself awake. This is far worst,  this is my new reality. My sunshine is gone.

Humpty Dumpty

Death has a way of making everything much more clear. I know what's important and what's bullshit and I don't have time for the latter.
Losing my Mother 2 days ago has left me devastated. We still had so much left to say, do and look forward to. It's agony at times to be awake. Yet sleep eludes me,  the one thing that helps me escape the pain and I'm struggling as always with sleep.
No good comes from losing a parent you loved so much,  especially when they're one of your most favorite people in the whole wide world.
Baba helped me write Mom's obituary yesterday, what a horrid thing to have to do!
I loved my Mom so much, I loved her more than the moon and stars, I loved her from near and far. She was my Mom and I miss her terribly. I feel like Humpty Dumpty today

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Popularity is overrated

In the last 6 months to 1 year I've learned who my TRUE friends are. And sadly some I thought were my real friends were really just users or negative vampires or attention whores. I feel despondent that loyalty counts for nothing these days. That some people are perfectly content to take and take and take.  There must be a reasonable balance when it comes to friendships. I'm just not seeing that much lately.
I know I've changed a lot in terms of being less of a people pleaser and more about standing up for myself. And perhaps that makes me less popular than before.  But that's okay. Popularity is overrated.
Out with the old and on with the new as they say...

Work does my soul good

Work was great today,  I love my job I'm exhausted but it's the good kind. That is all.

Dealing with the U Bend of Life

Its a known fact I am a HSP. a highly sensitive person. I react to other people's energy and internalize it as somehow it being my fault when that person who I like or care about is unhappy. I have this innate drive to make others happy and I totally end up making myself unhappy.

Now toss in the U Bend of Life that shows people are most unhappiest in their 40s to mid 50s and I clearly am on par with my peers.

So yesterday when we woke up, now that I look back there were signs the day wasn't going to be a good one but me being me, I can shrug off minor things and enjoy my day. My sweetie however cannot. When something bothers him like so many of the guys I know, they get consumed by it. My one ex was so miserable all the time, it made me miserable and act out in ways that I am still ashamed of today. It is a relief that even though yesterday wasn't one for the books for my sweetie and I am no where as bad off as I was 7 years ago.

I am really glad I have work tomorrow, my job is such a sense of satisfaction and it keeps me content on days like today or for the last few weeks since Feb 15th! In some ways I feel guilty that my personal life is somehow affecting my professional life but it really isn't. Just screwy thinking that I am working on reprogramming my thinking process on that!

Actually my life has pretty much sucked non stop since after Thanksgiving with my cat dying and I was finally coming out of that haze to have the set back of the car accident and the robbery so in a sense 4 months of a crappy existent. With small moments of happiness here and there. Like my last visit before Feb 15th was such a good one. And being with Mama Racoon and her son or spending time with Blondie and her gang. My family and friends have been wonderful to me. My sweetie too, he really came through for me when Bastard Kitty died.

I don't want my blog to be all doom and gloom there are some good things happening for me.

For one, since Baba is 90 now and doesn't drive anymore she gave me her old car. That means the money I got for the car I wrecked is in my savings account and I could actually if I keep at it with the money that's already there maybe in a few years be able to put a down payment on a house or condo or the likes. Not co-ops though! But anyways eventually I want a place to call my own. I just don't want to live alone that's all. I have decided that for me and my well being living alone isn't good for someone like me and having a history of depression. I feel better when I have people around. Anyways that's not the point the point is, I actually have a feasible shot at having a home of my own.

And secondly I am orchestrating a workshop for my colleagues and am joining a faculty professional development training that I am excited about. Professionally my life is really looking up. I am grateful for that.

Thirdly I will see my friends in the South this July. Granted I should be flying home today from my spring break there but its just a postponement not a cancellation. I just wish I had more enthusiasm for it then I do. Its not the friends its ME.

Blah blah blah

Lately life has thrown me one too many curve balls ugh. My beloved cat Tom died the day before New Year's Eve. Then last Sunday night my apartment robbed because of my roommate's carelessness. Then the very next day in less than 12 hrs after being robbed,  I wrecked my car on the way to work. Yippee 2016 is just banging them out,  literally. I'm not sure why I've had such a string of bad luck but here I am,  the star of my very own pity party.
Plus I'm mighty sore from the accident itself.  My poor car! I loved my car.  It's totaled and now I'll get a new one eventually. Feeling really stressed because I had plan to go out of town for spring break but with all this bad mojo I'm reconsidering. I'm not sure if I could enjoy myself if the car situation isn't resolved. I dunno,  but the universe keeps knocking me down.  I still get back up again. Just gotta keep moving forward.
Everyone keeps reminding me that I'm irreplaceable but cars and things can be replaced. Somehow it doesn't really comfort me,  in my mind logically I know they're right but I'm still pissed at myself for destroying my car that I worked hard to take care of.  It was a great little car.
And what the theives stole is just outrageous! They stole,  my TV,  roku, ipad, VP (video phone), Wii, my bedding, towels, pillows,  my weight scale, toilet paper, toilet paper roll holder, my soap,  my soapdish, a decorative bag, my roll of carpet, a cute bat alarm clock, forks, spoons, sharp knives, box of q tips, bath mat and more. I keep discovering new items missing everyday. I'm really ticked because I told my roommate many times not to leave the fucking door unlocked! We live in NYC,  the Bronxs for crying out loud! They've already replaced my TV and roku and will buy a new blanket today. As I've been using their's since all 3 blankets gone!
Yeah not in the best of spirits. I am however grateful the amount I'm getting for the car,  it's more than enough to find a new (used) car that I like and want.
So now that the "bad things happen in threes" it ought to be smooth sailing from here on out.  After all, this is as bad as it can get, no where left to go but up.