There Are No Do-Overs

The 1 year passing of my Mom's death is fast approaching. After I became functional again a few months ago, I spend a lot of time revisiting the past. I truly start to understand you don't get do overs. Not that I'm living in a sea of regrets, some sure but others are more about reviewing in a sense reliving and appreciating my past memories especially of my Mom. It's true if you live long enough, you start to yearn for the past the way life was. The simpler times as they say. And it is humbling and it sucky simultaneously.
I still cry pretty much everyday but for a brief while I would cry every 2 to 3 days. I know partly it's due to the costant triggers of being in my hometown and having  millions of memories of where my Mom and I went, what we did etc etc.. I greive a lot when I'm alone or at night.
Work will give me relief soon but not till after September 13th or near then. But even so my heart is still broken. I am in no rush to to be okay that she died because I'm not okay. My Mom was a gift to me, I'm so glad she didn't give me up for adoption.
I miss you and love you to pieces Mom! (in case there is an afterlife with internet and you're reading this!)

Beyond Here There Be Dragons

I used to not really be afraid of life until my Mom died then EVERYTHING changed.
The last few months I've actually had 2 panic attacks. Once before a conference in Tampa, Florida last February. It happened the day of the trip. I was stressing so hard about getting there and I had never acted that way before a trip out of town. I am usually super excited about the trip.
Then in the spring moving out of the Bronx back to Manhattan was as for most people stressful but I would find myself overreacting to things that wasn't like me at all! I am not sure if they're panic attacks but now whenever I am traveling esp the day that I'm traveling,  I get really wound up and on edge.
The title of the post is a very old saying
HC SVNT DRACONES" (i.e. hic sunt dracones, 'here are dragons') from Wikipedia. Baba is fond of that phrase. I guess in a way Mom's death took away the last innocence for life and adventure. Don't get me wrong, I'm pumped about my trip to Detroit later this summer and see my old friend and meet my "nephew" face to face for the 1st time.
Overall life is more in Technicolor than grayscale, these last few months I feel like I'm coming back to life. The shock and heartbreak of losing my Mom quickly just sent my world spinning out of orbit. I was shattered and I still had to do a lot of "adulting" such as work, clearing out my Mom's place, dealing with all the holidays without her, then moving out of my place just took a toll on me.  In effort to self soothe I've gained a total of 20 lbs ugh! I was feeling like a whale by April. But then I said I had had enough! And started out by walking all over the city for several miles each day. Then in May I started using the gym specifically the treadmills and stationary bike. I am happy to say I've lost the first 10 lbs, still have 10 more to go. I also started adding free weights and using the nu -step machine. I try to get my heart rate to 140 or higher using these machines. I do have a lot of physical restrictions so I am sticking to low impact exercises. I am proud of myself for getting this far in only 2 months. I also credit my almost daily (I think I've missed 2 or 3xs) since April eating a LARGE salad with only apple cider vinegar and olive oil or rare occasion lemon juice which goes well with salads that have berries on it, yum yum. I've given up on pork over a year ago, will eat turkey bacon but it has to be good quality, not the cheap stuff. But my weakness is sweets late at night which I know now is due to my efforts to self soothe.  I've cut way back on it but there's still some nights I can't stop eating! Usually I notice this happens when I'm craving chocolate but there isn't any. So ill keep trying to satisfy that craving with all this other food that's not chocolate and doesn't satisfy me. Now I am sure to keep chocolate on hand and that seems to do the job.
And God bless my boyfriend, he never once made me feel fat or unattractive when I was at my worst! I did get to the point where I didn't want to be naked in front of him and I'm happy to report thats not the issue now. Not that it ever affected our sex life. I LOVE my Sexy German always!
I saw a great quote about exercise that I use as a mantra sometimes when I want to give up working out before the timer is done on the machine sweat is just fat crying I also remind myself if my Mom can lose 100 lbs on her own in 3 years I can lose the 20 lbs I've gained. I'm doing this for you Mom!

Shabbat Shalom to Mothers Everywhere!

Earlier today on the 4 train (I live in NYC) I saw an older lady with two other women,  so I offered my seat as the train was crowded. She politely declined. One of the ladies thanked me,  so then I asked if that was their Mom? She said yes and it just brought out the tears and I explained my Mom hadn't died too long ago.  They were so sweet, gave me a napkin and when the seat freed up.  The Mother sat next to me and her daughters in front of us. I  showed them my Mom's picture they remarked how pretty she was! When they got off the train the one daughter said God Bless you,  and I said to you too, she said God is with your Mom <3

As Mad As A Hatter

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.– Alice [from Wonderland]

Big changes on the nearby horizon. However my patience threshold these last few weeks has been crap. Looking forward to moving pass this literally. Goodbye the Bronx, hello Manhattan!

From a post on FB

I wish.......
That I could phone Heaven, just once even, and ask my mum if she is ok and happy. I’d tell her how much I love her and that I miss her. I’ll tell her I wish I’d hugged her more and spent more time with her. I’d ask her about all the questions I have, that are unanswered.
She’d tell me that she’s with my dad and my grandparents and they are all very happy. She’d tell me it’s ok to clear the family home of all her things, that they don’t matter.
Shed tell me to be good so that I Can join them all one day soon.
Then I’d be ok.
That is EXACTLY how I feel with the exception of what family members be in the afterlife.
I am still here in a strange sort of monochrome existence. Work brings relief as always but I still struggle with being available socially for my program. I know it will only get better as time goes by.
For my Mom.  wherever she may be, I LOVE you Mom, I miss you so much, I do ANYTHING to have another one of our days together. I'm still heartbroken. How could I not be?

The Truth Is Like A Lion

I've come across a few quotes that I like;

The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.
-St. Augustine of Hippo

If I had a single flower
for every time I think about you,
I could walk forever in my garden
-Claudia Ghandi

You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.
-Alan W. Watts

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness,
but of power.
They speak more eloquently
than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers
of overwhelming grief
and unspeakable love.
-Washington Irving

The Sunshine State

I had such a good time these last 2 days and met so many cool folks here at the ASL professional development conference in Tampa, Florida!
I'll admit I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, it's been hard for me since my Mom passed away 5 months ago.
I'm still grief stricken but at the same time maybe I've turned a corner too?
I just need time. It's hard to learn to live your life without your biggest fan and support system. I loved my Mom so much I couldn't imagine a better one than mine. Her absence has devastated me so I'm still picking up the pieces.
This weekend, the conference, the wonderful people I got to meet or see old faces, all the information I learned and so forth in a way is helping me put those pieces back together again.
I'm glad I took a chance and went outside my comfort zone. And I look forward to attending the next ASL professional development conference in the Fall of 2018!

Life Asked Death...

Life asked death, “why do people love me but hate you?”, death responded, “because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.” -author unknown

[This was posted Spring 2018]

It's been about 5 months since my Mom died and in many ways I'm still shell shocked by her sudden demise.
Last night the Olympics started and it was just another trigger, another figurative nail in the coffin that my Mom is dead.  And I won't ever get to watch the Olympics with her again.  Baba's been having a go of it with losing Mom too. It is almost like a delayed reaction to Mom's death and I'm doing the best that I can to be a source of comfort to her. No one in their 90s should have to deal with such a loss. The only comfort we both take is she doesn't have to live with this knowledge much longer where as I (if I'm lucky enough healthwise) to live another 40 or 50 years without my Mom.
I miss her terribly, not a day goes by that I don't think of her. And most days I still cry because how could I not? She was my Mom and such a force of life. Losing her has been the most painful thing that's ever happened to me.
But slowly I'm coming back to semblance of vivacity. I'm still very anti social and being in chronic pain doesn't help. 
On Valentine's day this year, much to my Sweetheart chagrin and protest I'm off to Florida for work. I'm kind of looking forward to the trip. And I'm kind of dreading it too. I'm in no mood to make small talk with numerous people I don't know and probably never see again.
And I'm concerned that with the chronic pain I've been in and staying with a friend of a friend that I will be at the mercy of other people's schedule. Which is something I hate as well.
Nonetheless the change of scenery from the city and my home town will be a welcome respite.
In other news, work is going really well. I am pleased to have several teachers such as myself who constantly want to upgrade their craft and knowledge of the language as well as teaching methods and course content. I have always been a fan of collaboration.  Be it at work, or when I would film a short movie or at a Deaf camp of sorts. Two or more heads always better than one.
I am also making more of an effort to receive professional development training via 1 on 1 instruction. What I've been doing is looking at workshops available at my school and then contacting whoever is in charge of giving said workshop. Recently I took "Creative PowerPoint" which was really handy for my lesson plans. I'm also looking into more administrative training as well.
I used to say I was lucky to have the job that I do. I don't say that anymore because it wasn't luck, it was the hard work and dedication I've given to my job for the last 10 plus years! I'm learning as time goes by not to underestimate myself. I am a damn good teacher and program coordinator, I was a wonderful daughter to my Mom, I am loving and kind to my family and friends and my Sexy German too.

At Last It's Past

Got through the holidays as well as expected. Spent New Year's Day putting Mom's ashes in small keepsakes vials.

I'm still here but MIA socially. Many friends check in on me but since my Mom died,  I only talk to 5 people outside of work regularly. I just am too drained by the grief and chronic pain I'm in due to various maladies. 

On the flip side work has gotten better, I'm still not overly interactive with my colleagues. But I am doing my administrative duties quite well and my classes ended on a great note for the Fall semester. My first week of classes for the Spring semester was easy enough too.

Baba shared with me this quote that I immediately liked "Do not suppress your tears for they wash away grief" from the Victorian times where death among young people was everywhere.

Hoping 2018 is a better year all around!!

My Ambition And Grief Do Not Mix

It's been a rough go at work this school year. Before Mom got sick so suddenly I was ready to take my program to the next level. With having attended that 5 day conference in Salt Lake City, it lit a fire in me. I had plans,  I was ready to conquer! And be more accessible with my large number of instructors.

But death came and took it all away.

Now I am anti social,  still give 100% in my teaching and lesson plans. But most of my program coordinator responsibilities are on hold. I am involved in a few small work related projects so I'm not slacking off. But the truth of the matter is,  I am bereft and will be for a while.  And teaching primarily right now is about all that I can handle. I'm fortunate my boss is the BEST! A week ago before Thanksgiving I tried to reassure her that spring semester I'd be better [at my job] but she shook her head no.  Said it will be a long time before I'm okay. She's right.

Still I struggle with feeling guilty for not doing a "better" job. But there's no reason for me to feel this way. I'm well within norms to not be who I was before my Mom died. I continue to work on this, why my faulty thinking won't allow me to cut myself a break?

Nonetheless I'm very proud of myself for working my way up and being driven and dedicated to my career.  I know my Mom was too! The Saturday afternoon she was in the ER with my uncle D... she met a technician there.  So two nights later Monday when I called 911, and we were in the ER, the same technician was there again. My Mom wasn't in her right mind when he came in but he remembered her.  Then asked me if I was J...? a college professor? etc etc... he told me how proud my Mom was of me and talked up a storm about me <3

Maybe if I try to remind myself,  a year from now it will all be different. Perhaps that will alleviate some of my self criticism? Only time will tell.

"I still love you the best" ALWAYS

This year's Thanksgiving was a quiet one without my Mom.  She kept the conversations going. I still miss her that it aches.

She used to end her emails with "I still love you the best" the story goes somewhere in my childhood while my Mom was mothering one of my friends. And in my mind I thought she liked [loved] them more than me.  So after I asked her one day about that,  she replied "I will always love you the best!"

And for many years in fact decades she often ended her emails that way.

This Tuesday will be 11 weeks,  but I lost her 13 weeks ago. The night I had to call 911 marked the beginning of the end. And despite a short conscious period,  she was never 100% herself.  One day she be overly accommodating saying she do whatever she needed to get better again. Then the next day she be uncooperative to the nursing staff.  I don't blame her! She suffered a lot at their hands. Not that I fault them, well I kind of do! Specifically the nurses on the 4th floor really fucked up. But the ICU nurses were great.

I'm glad, thankful (pun intended) that Thanksgiving is over. The 2nd of many firsts for the next year...I hate it. And so it goes

10,000 Miles

By Mary Chapin Carpenter

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10, 000 miles

10, 000 miles
My own true love
10, 000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

Tuesdays And I Aren't Friends Anymore

Today marks 9 weeks since my Mom died. Tuesdays and I aren't friends anymore.
I have only been talking to a few close friends and family. I have a lot of friends especially a few who also lost their Moms. But as much as I want to reach out to them,  it seems like too much effort. I was never one with boundless energy but since my Mom died, my fatigue level is amplified. Social interaction on a superficial level or for long periods of time isn't ideal for me these days. It just seems harder and harder to not become further withdrawn and antisocial. Often I just want to be left alone from 95% of the people I come across. This isn't like me normally.

Growing Pains

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

– Kim McMillen

Staying Present

Someone wrote about their response to grief "I have to stay in the present time or I can't hold it together"
That about sums it up. Tonight makes it 6 weeks since Mom died. Right about this hour I was asked if I wanted to maintain DNR for her? And after learning all the facts and seeing her rapid decline within that hour and a half after I arrived at 8pm, I said yes maintain DNR.
They turned off all the machines and monitors 2 hrs from now at 11:30pm, at 11:40pm, she died.
Every Tuesday since then has been the worst day of every week. 
I miss her so much

Deconstructing Mom's Place

It's been hard slowly deconstructing my Mother's home. On the one hand every time a family or friend takes one of Mom's things I feel good they're taking a little of Mom home with them. However, it's bittersweet to see my Mom's home becoming less and less hers. With each picture I take off the wall or small piece of furniture is out of place, it hurts. I do it in small weekly dosages. Every Saturday afternoon I'm here. I have 2 to 3 weekends left to finish with it all. It will be hard to say goodbye to a home I've been coming to for almost 14 years! Just 1 year longer than I in NYC.
Oh well as Mom would say "J....  it is what it is"

Grief update

I managed to get back to sleep this morning for a few hours...
This coming Tuesday will be 4 weeks since Mom died.  I have been extremely antisocial at work last week and know I'll be so again this week. I don't want to be bothered by anything beyond my job.  I don't want to deal with the co workers and all the extra stuff that I do.
I find my mind to be like a broken record especially when I'm alone or sleeping my mind plays endless loops of Mom. I try to think of other things but to no avail. The crying spells comes and goes. I don't mind,  I'm not going to try to bury my grief, only live thru it.
My Mom's cat Callie is now mine. It makes me happy that Mom knows her cat is with me and will be taken care of for the rest of her kitty life.
I also feel tired and achy all the time. With the dark winter months ahead, I'm worried I'll fall into a major depressive episode.
I'm not sure why I wrote all this but I needed to vent.

The Logistics of Death

I have this month of October to go through Mom's things and what to put into storage etc etc..

I got a lot done at Mom's place yesterday with her kitchen and bathroom. Plus my childhood best friend Paula along with Uncle David made the afternoon bearable. It's so hard to be in her home and she's not there. And painful to slowly deconstruct her home. She lived there for almost 14 years! This was one of my homes and I know with each passing weekend,  I will have to say goodbye to my Mom's place.

Sitting on my Mom's couch yesterday made me ache for her presence so much. We spent many moments in her living room talking, eating, watching tv or movies.  I miss her so much.

Woke up at 5:15am with thoughts of Mom.. Hope to get back to sleep some in a while.

I am also ashamed that I never knew the depth of my love for my Mom until she was gone.

Parent loss grief support

On FB I've joined a support group for those who have lost a parent and it's so helpful. And sad to read other people's heartbreaks.
One woman lost her father and gave him CPR for 20 minutes but he still died last Feb and she feels alone and guilty.
I wrote this as my reply
"My Mom died 2 weeks ago and I was with her at the end. There's a quote that sums up how we feel "if love could have saved you, you would've lived forever" so know we are but fragile and insignificant human beings, mortally flawed but our hearts knows no bounds. Someone wrote the day after my Mom died "grief is love with no where else to go" so know that yours and my grief is just like our hearts with no limits. May you find some comfort with your friends and love ones and vent here anytime. Gentle hugs"
I've been gliding video msgs with friends and am blessed with a great job and co worker support system. Being in this FB grief support group helps me to realize that I am not alone with my grief. And that compared to some who have no one, I am lucky to have so many friends and family that loves me and keeps me from falling to my knees and giving up.

I'm still here, kind of...

Yesterday marks 2 weeks since my Mom died and I'm still struggling so much. All of these memories come rushing back to me and EVERYTHING is a huge effort. I'm dreading going back to work next Monday and dealing with so many people. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. But instead I wake up in random intervals to memories of Mom and my heart keeps breaking off into little shards that cut my soul and spirit. Life without her seems unbearable.
Baba, my 91 year old grandmother, my Mom's mom has been a great source of comfort to me and I to her.
Yet all I do lately is overeat, cry. watch the show "6 feet under" and try to pass the hours so I can go back to sleep.
I try to be comforted by my cat Rosie Nova and my Mom's cat Callie Maui Wowie, who's now mine. But all the joy is no where to be found. I can't get over the future and all the plans we still had and how it's all GONE and I'll never see her again.