Sunday, November 24, 2024

Sonnet X "Death Be Not Proud"


Last week someone died who I didn't personally know but many of my friends did. A friend posted the line "Death be not proud" and it had me wondering the origin of this line was from?  Turns out this poem by John Donne from the late 1500s to early 1600s was inspired by the new testament specifically 1 Corinthians 15:26, "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death" 
The poem is about how death is not to be feared, and that people will wake up eternally after death. 
Another friend wrote about the same person who passed away that this individual was never the same after his father and brother died. I feel the same way. I'm not the same since Baba and Mom died. 

"Holy Sonnet X"

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not soe,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill mee.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and souls deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better than thy stroake; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

Monday, November 11, 2024

As Above So Below

As above so below is an ancient Latin phrase that means what happens in the higher realms also happens in the lower realms.

I just feel like the star of David represents this very much! In my religious studies in college we noted how the star of David points to the heavens above us and the earth below. 

What can I say I'm a geek for symbolism!

Thursday, September 12, 2024

My 50th birthday

This summer I had a wonderful time visiting friends in SC/NC it lifted my spirits tremendously. Then on August 24th (2 weeks after my bday) LAD threw my a surprised bday party with cake,  foods, cards and cash! And we played poker which made it the best bday ever!
I placed 4th.
I'm so happy to be in my 50s! And excited to see what this decade brings? 

Upcoming Election

This upcoming election is going to be a hard one for me. While I can't stand the orange buffoon. Kamala has not won me over because she's still pushing for a "two states" solution shows me she does not have the Jewish community back. Right after Oct 7th she was more worried about Islamophobia than what the the Jews were and still facing today! And telling me her husband is Jewish isn't anything more than tokenism! It doesn't impress me at all. Her choice of VP is my opinion is a disaster! 
Kamala performed very well last Tuesday debate but she needs to step it up for the Jewish community and stop placating these terrorists!
It feels like this election is all about choosing the lesser of the two evils...

Sunday, July 21, 2024

Dysthymia and Compound Grief

In a few weeks I'll say goodbye to my 40s and I can't wait! Honestly it was the worst decade of my life!
Losing both my Mom and Baba,  Complicated Joseph, Edwin "Eddie" and my beloved Rosie Nova! Along with Wes Smile, what a ghastly way to die. A tree well! *shudders* and poor Neal he was a sweet old man who deserve better in his final days no thanks to his hearing sister!

Being down south with my close friends is doing wonders for my soul. With my life long Dysthymia and the above compound grief, having the change of scenery has improved my overall outlook!

I've always had a soft spot for the south since my high school days! At least here they don't support these domestic terrorists aka pro Hamas fans! I was honestly touched when a non Jewish friend said they would put "free the Israeli hostages" sticker on the back of their car! I'm crazy for miss Tequila and her family!

Saturday, May 18, 2024

BLM is full of Antisemites!

https://jewishjournal.com/commentary/columnist/365749/answering-a-friend-who-becomes-an-antisemite/ 
Sad I've lost quite a lot of friends the last 6 months! 
I'll never forget or forgive some of my former BLM friends saying "I didn't realize you knew anyone in Israel" in regards to Oct 7th. My answer was "I didn't know you knew George Floyd or Brenna Taylor?" No they didn't but they still knew right from wrong during BLM but they don't apply that for us Jews? The double standards is getting old!

Sunday, April 28, 2024

Rosie Nova

(Originally written on Jan 8th but I've been so heartbroken by her death I could not bear to repost till now)

Last night we finally buried my beautiful little girl Rosie who died suddenly on 12/21/23 at the age of 9. She was my heart. I hate goodbyes! It is so hard without her by my side. She was there when my Mom died suddenly in 2017 and then my beloved Baba (grandmother) in 2020. I would do anything to have another day with Rosie, my Mom and Baba! I'm heartbroken. When we buried Rosie last night, we buried a part of my heart with her. 
Rosie was
My little girl
My ballerina
My nesting doll
My perfect angel
My best friend
My heart
My Rosie Posey Mosey may you RiP next to my cat Tom. Mommy loves and misses you so much

Sunday, October 08, 2023

My Country Tis of Thee!

As a kid you grow up hearing or seeing spoofs of songs or stories.

One of the ones I grew up with was a ditty of the song "My Country Tis of Thee"  

The original lyrics is as followed;
My country 'tisThis wee sweet land of libertyOf thee I singLand where my fathers diedLand of the pilgrim's prideFrom every mountainsideLet freedom ring
There's is more to the song but the above is the part everyone knows, I hope!?!

Now the version I grew up with goes like this

My country tis of thee, Sweet land of Germany, My name is Fricks! My father was a spy, Shot by the FBI, Oh what a horrible way to die! My name is Fricks

Now thinking about that ditty I realized it probably an insult to the Germans because various versions of the original song started after WWII! Makes a lot of sense!

I wonder if today's kids in NYC still recite the Pledge of the Allegiance? National pride to be an American seems lower these days and I'm not sure why? I'm proud to be an American!

Sunday, January 08, 2023

My 1st Real Win For 2023

Since last fall I've been playing a lot more poker both in person and online. I'm getting better with my game but since my big win from Nov 2022, I haven't placed 1st or won any money until now.  

Tonight I decided to try a new online group for a cash game with a buy in of $30-300. I'm certainly not rich so I started with $80. For a while there I wasn't winning. In fact I had to go all in at 1 point because my bank was so low. And in the last 3 hours I played with a fun group of players. One guy DW, he was so chatty via the app and near the end was not so talkative after losing all of his cash and doing 2 more rebuys. He was heckling me when I 1st started to play. And it was clearly all men because the chat upon arrival was all talk about cum and wanking off etc etc. That died down with in the 1st 5 minutes and then DW was heckling me so much that I wrote. I'm just here to play and then he backed off and even said to relax and enjoy myself. Then I did.  I managed to end with over $440. But I still don't know what constitutes as a big pot? Cuz if you want to leave after winning a big pot you have to announce and then play 15 more hands. 

It is so surreal the world of poker but irl and online. I'm enjoying it tremendously and making lots of new friends a long the way too.

But more importantly having such a nice win tonight helped remind me.  I still got it! Heh heh! 

So far 2023 is off to a good start!

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Derailment!

My life in the last 5 years has completely gone off the rails. While I may enjoy some career successes and advancements my home life has been in shambles. Never knowing if I'll get to stay or have to go. 

Breaking my ankle last August was hard but I'm so happy today I walked without a limp!

This year's holidays with my Sweetie has not gone well at all. I'm very disappointed. It is what it is. 

I just keep trying to move forward but the stress of an unstable home life has taken a tremendous toll on me. Either way it is coming to an end. 

I'm more than ready to say goodbye to 2022! 

Friday, October 28, 2022

Microagression Ugh!

Sigh I'm debating whether to confront a colleague about their acts of micro agression. Twice now in a public settings they said things that made me look bad. And while that may not be their intention, I'm not okay with it. 
I think next week Monday I'll email and let them know that from here on out. They need to refrain from speaking about me and their personal opinions on how I do my job in public settings. If they have concerns or feedback they can do it in private to me! But today when I shared a concern they jumped on board and then tells me to be patient! Uh first off I don't need you to tell me to be patient when I've been at my job 10 years longer than you have! And I don't need you to take over for me either while I'm trying to share my concerns!
The worst thing is they say they want to collaborate more! They have looked down at me from the git go! So I'm not sure why all of a sudden they're trying to be buddy buddy with me. I can't stand hyprocrits. I trust this individual as far as I can throw them! 

Friday, October 07, 2022

A Little M&M Humor

Spotted on Facebook earlier today in the comment section that was hilarious!

Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one m&m cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab the other m&m, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of m&m gladiators. I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is only one m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with the champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: "Please use this m&m for breeding purposes."

Happy Friday!

Sunday, October 02, 2022

Nigel Kamm, Tough As Nails

Talk about coincidences.
While my uncle David was here in town. We decided to binge watch the TV show "Tough As Nails" first season. In I think the 5th episode the contestant Lia Mort mentioned her nephew Nigel committed suicide a while back from being bullied.
I immediately stopped the episode and said to David, could it be the same Nigel, his son Bobby's best friend from my home town who committed suicide in 2008? I mean really? How many Nigels do you know? Sure enough, Lia is from Lititz, PA! Nigel's father Andy owns a record store and was friends with my Mom while I was growing up. I remember Andy had a pet Rat too! https://www.recordconnectionpa.com/ 
Then in elementary school my nephew Bobby became best friends with Nigel! 
I'll never forget I was working in media services at the Teachers College when Baba informed me by text Nigel had died by suicide and there was no warning. Bobby said they rode the bus home and would see each other the next day. Bobby was crushed by his death. 
Evidently uncle David said Nigel was a sensitive soul and an easy target to bully! And Bobby has never quite gotten over losing his best friend in middle school. I sadly never had the chance to meet Nigel, but I heard about him all the years he and Bobby spent together.
I still think of Nigel every Thanksgiving because it occurred shortly after Thanksgiving before Christmas in 2008.
It was so nice to see and hear Nigel's name immortalize by the TV show. Now millions of people know Nigel's name and how his life mattered to his family, his aunt Lia and my family and many others! 
And now you too become a witness, a testimony of Nigel's impact on the world. 
We need to say their names, the ones who died at their own hands. They are not forgotten! Remember his name, Nigel Kamm!

https://www.snyderfuneralhome.com/obituary/nigel-sage-kamm/ 

https://lancasteronline.com/obituaries/nigel-sage-kamm/article_3b6da650-4b88-5bbe-8679-6e6bc9c5b03f.html 

Monday, September 12, 2022

I Still Love You The Best!

Today marks 5 years since you passed away Mom and I have missed you every single one of those days! There is so much I miss about you.  Your jokes, playing skipbo and acey deucey which no one else knows how to play! Homemade birthday cakes, your cooking, you reciting poetry from memory, going out to run errands together and our yearly trips to Red Lobster with Baba. I still feel cheated you departed so soon! I love you forever and a day! As you would say to me "I still love you the best!"

Saturday, September 10, 2022

On The Mend

Today or tonight will mark 4 weeks since I broke my ankle. Last night I hobbled a few blocks to cvs and back home and was wiped out! It is a slow recovery but I'm getting better! I no longer use any mobile aids like computer chair with wheels or knee scooter! But the walking boot is just too heavy and I'll be using the splint when I go out anywhere!
The swelling has gone down a lot along with the bruising. I think I'm healing quite nicely. 
I really appreciate the support and love I got from my friends who checked in on me often.
I'm hoping by October to be back to my old self!
In the meantime I plan to order walking sticks! This was the 2nd time I fell in a 1 year period and I can't be falling again! Parkinson runs in my family and one of the earliest symptoms is shuffling and not picking up your feet high enough! I'm not sure I'll see the rheumatologist on the 20th right before I see ortho that same day and office. I pray my next xray shows I'm healing! I don't want surgery!

Tuesday, September 06, 2022

Life In The Woods

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.
-Henry David Thoreau

My Mom loved this poem. I miss her reciting poetry to me, both she and Baba often did.

Monday, September 05, 2022

The Society

From Netflix's The Society a modern 'Lord of the Flies" type of series which was sadly canceled due to the pandemic 

"Even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until in our own despair and against our will comes wisdom by the awful grace of God." It's a quote by Aeschylus, an ancient Greek tragedian, and what the quote asks of the audience is to look inward at times of tragedy and examine how you got to this place; it's about not looking for revenge for one's suffering, but about learning from it.

This summer was up until the end of July a really great! Played in 2 different Deaf Poker tournaments. Got my work done by the end of June and met with my teachers the remainder of the summer as well as a few interviews and hiring. I love my job!

Then end of July I got some upsetting news. Fast forward 2 weeks later I broke my ankle! Gah! I immediately fell into a pit of despair and it took a while to rebound from that. I'm still slowly getting back on track. 

Today I finished my fall syllabus and class schedule and caught up on work emails so today despite being labor day I worked the afternoon.

Not much else new to report other than I miss my Mom and Baba so much. No one loves you like your family (that's if you're lucky to have a good and loving family)! Some of the nicest people I know had terrible parents! And I feel sorry for anyone who wasn't told how much they were loved by! I sure was and it has to be enough til I get to be with them again. 

Thursday, May 26, 2022

Sweet Valley High Books

The other night I had a dream with a teenage girl who I don't know. I only remembered that she showed me she had bought some Sweet Valley High books and I remarked that I still have mine at home and even the ones based on middle school and she remarked that's so cool! And I was going to show her my copies... that's all I can recall. 

In other news I had a BLAST at my first Deaf Poker Tournament in Philly a few weeks ago. I came in 1st among the ladies only tournament. I know my Mom be so proud of me! And it was fun to see people's reactions to my post about winning, many didn't even know I know how to play or that I've been playing since age 12!

Last night I watched the last episode of the series "This Is Us" and was bawling through out the finale. Baba loved that show and remarked that it was the best series on TV and she was right! It was triggering to watch the last episode and I cried for missing both my Mom and Baba!

In terms of my job, it is going well and keeping me busy with modifying the new curriculum, assessing ASL students and interviewing and hiring new teachers. I love my job immensely!

Saturday, April 30, 2022

No Love For Blondie

When I cut ties with Blondie almost 5 years ago come this fall. I did it out of self preservation. There were many times when I would be driving home and wanting to stop and see Eddie but because of Blondie I didn't. I regret that a lot now. 
Because Eddie died suddenly from a heart attack 💔. And it was like losing family to me! I tried to repair things with Blondie as we had had a 20 year friendship up till the time my Mom died.
She had already been acting shady for months and both my Mom and Baba stated she doesn't know how to be a friend and they were right. I was blind all these years I guess especially the few years up to when I cut her off from my life she had been a crappy friend. Stating I only got promoted to FT because I kissed ass etc etc. Smh no stupid,  I actually care about the program and my students and my teachers and so on. I was always happy for her on her milestones such as getting married, buying a house, finishing grad school with me. Albeit with my,  Eddie's, Baba's and Mom's help without us she never would have finished her thesis. She pretty much plagiarized her work so I would go and fix it for her a lot etc.. 
And she was kind of becoming an alcoholic. I wonder if she's sober now but highly unlikely. And man is she a nasty spiteful person when she's drunk! But I still loved and cared about her for many years. 
So when Eddie's death happened I tried to repair things and for a while we were talking but then the Loser got her manipulative claws on Blondie and then it was no communication at all!
I finally just told her why I cut her off and it felt good to get it off my chest years later. The fucked up part was when she accused me of taking advantage of her grief. WTF? in no way was I taking advantage of anything and I didn't know how to proceed because she just stopped the lines of communication with me so shrugs. Sigh they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions which is very true. I tried to step up knowing what it is like to lose someone you love suddenly but somehow I'm the bad guy. It gets old being the scapegoat instead of Blondie and the Loser owing up to their own mistakes 
I am not perfect and I have no problem apologizing and moving forward but other people rather hold a grudge so be it!

Monday, April 25, 2022

Dear Loser Part 2

Dear a$$hole crazy lady! Quit backstabbing me! You invited your boyfriend Jeff whom I never met until the summer I visited you in Detroit. You offered to get smokes and I said at the time it wasn't necessary but YOU INSISTED like you always do and then turn around and expect to be reciprocated when in fact I didn't need it and I had no way of contacting Jeff, YOU DID.  You introduced me and then goaded me into saying that he was cute. And then twisted it into some insane story! I never wanted Jeff and the only thing I was EVER GUILTY OF was asking him to help you as the mother of his child and you both at the time seem to be getting along!

Fast forward a year or two later and we made plans to go to NYC and SC/NC. I went through a lot of trouble to find places to sleep and even paid for an Airbnb that you never used! You invited Jeff on to our plans. I even said that I would adjust if that's something YOU WANTED? and evidently you did! That was a huge turn off and I didn't want to be trapped in a car with you, Jeff and your son at that time! Too stressful! 

After that ended, you are at me about money and how much you spent! Hello no one told you to take a trip you couldn't afford! I even sent you money and wrote a reference letter for you to go back to school and what thanks I get, you making me out to be the bad guy! Guess what hun no one can save you but yourself! I told you repeatedly to call the police if you felt in danger. But you are too busy mooching off of your family and friends. You even told me in SC you wouldn't mind having another baby with Jeff as you guys make cute babies. Your words not mine!

I was in NYC how the hell was I going to save you? If you really feared for your life as you say you do then call the police! 

But enough is enough, move the fuck on. Stop hating me as it only serves you not me. I could care less what you think of me you fucking leech and user!