Sorry for not posting sooner but YES I got the job I applied for last
Wednesday. I start tmw morning and I'm looking forward to it!
Labor day weekend was nice, Jack and I went over to Szymanski's place
for the day and we also hit the nearby park. She made us teriyaki
burgers with bacon delish! Blondie, Knob, Cain and some others came as
well. Knob looked fantastic! Sunday was her last day working FT as an
supervisor, hurrah for Knob!
The other interview I had last Thursday went well too. They won't need
me till the Spring but I should get an email from them sometime in
October. Basically I would teach both ASL and Filmmaking to kids as an
after school program totally what I love and reminds me of the kind of
work I did at MSD.
Other than that, still trying to hammer out the specs of my schedule. As
of now its kinda spotty. I'm not sure whether to talk with Rusty and see
if I can do student teaching during the weekdays from 11am to 3pm daily?
That would meet my 200 hr requirement and I could still work in the a.m.
Mondays and Wednesdays. Plus media Mon, Tues, Thurs afternoon/evenings.
Wed nite with the twins. And teach Saturdays at the SLC. Hmm the
question remains if I have the momentum to go all day from early morning
till evening 4 days straight with a half a day Fri and Sats? I think its
worth a try. I want so badly to finish my MA and I don't think I can
stand another year of waiting to finish the student teaching so I sit
down and do my thesis!
The whole MA issue has made me very depressed. Poor Jack, he's been
trying to remind me to keep my chin up as well as Baba but its been
kinda hard lately with the MA degree dangling over my head. And I'm
worried I won't earn enough to stay in NYC to even finish this MA. I
know I'm usually more positive and hopefully but I just feel bogged down
by this.
I'm hoping since I work tmw and thurs at Media services that it will
lift my spirits. Jack sees how important it is for me to feel
productive. The same for him. We both are generally happier earning a
decent living so we can travel more down the road. Plus I stopped my ADD
meds in July and that's a BIG no no for me. The adderrall keeps me on
schedule and out the door in the a.m.. I'm seeing my doctor later today
for a prescription, and probably an antidepressant too.
I haven't been blogging my feelings lately but I have been so down these
past several weeks and it sucks. Its no one fault, its how my brain
seems to operate. It just gets very sad sometimes and its hard for me to
be happy or even content. The urge to cry sits in the back of my mind
and peeks through when I feel vulunerable. The worse part for me is I
become antisocial and everything takes so much more effort to do and
longer to do it that the "loser mentality" kicks in and takes over. How
I woke up feeling today is how I spent most of my childhood at the
hearing school environment, I felt LOUSY through and through. The urge
to disappear, and not be noticed, paralyzes me at times. No I don't mean
suicidal, I mean the desire not to draw any attention my way in any way
or fashion. I tried to explain to Jack that as a child at Manhiem Twp, I
felt I deserved nothing. That I was not worthy of anything. I spent most
of my childhood and teens years not feeling that I was worthy of every
day things and of what one expects in life. My family never ever made me
feel this way, it was the world that did. I'm envious of other hoh
people I met who didn't have the horrible experience in mainstream (1 vs
all) that I did. They seem so much more at ease with themselves and
their place in the world. When I dropped out of college back in 94, I
did so with the idea that I would never amount to anything and that I
should settle and get a job. Which I did but quickly realized no
education equals shit pay and neither my family nor I could accept that
as my future so then I transferred to Gally and the rest is history.
MSSD helped me embrace myself but it was becoming an adult in which I
learned to love myself and stick up for what I believe in. Besides I
noticed people who are very bright or are readers often seem to be
resilent, either you are or you aren't. I seem to be, just takes me
longer to get there.
Anyways I'm not trying to worry anyone, I just missed venting here.
Jack, my friends, family everyone is great to me so please don't go
looking for a blame. Instead know ill be out later for my doc appt and
then I'm to the library to work on my lesson plans for tmws 1st class as
a Professor! My spirits will be back up again. I'm a chameleon with so
many moods but I don't want to be a "blue" chameleon. Rather be a
colorful one.
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