I NEVER thought I be back with my ex almost 2 years later. On Nov 5th my beloved 94 year old grandmother Baba passed away and was my best friend for decades, she helped raise me etc etc. My ex bf whom I have loved since I was a teenager, his Mom had texted me 2 days after Baba died and I asked her to inform my ex that Baba died. He sent me an email expressing his condolences and asked if there is anything he could do? I wrote back thanking him and 1 thing led to another where we made amends for how things ended almost 2 years ago due to many factors. And he admitted that he had put too much of a burden on me and a lot of his anger had nothing to do with me. We met up yesterday and he let me cry my heart out as he knew Baba well and my family dynamics. We agreed we still love each other a lot and while we want very different lifestyles we want to try to make it work again under new terms. For example he no longer is asking me to live with him or move out of my city. He seems open to continuing a LD relationship with me etc and it felt so good to be with him all day yesterday. We have agreed to take it nice and slow. I asked him about his anger and depression and he says he has mellowed out the last year or so and with his roommate (yes the former heroin addict) his life is much more stable as he isn't stressed by money all the time. And he finally got a diagnosis of ALS which explained a lot of his health issues when we were together last time.
He also swears they're are not and never were together, just friends and roommates. I admit I'm not 100% sure I believe him and we are not exclusive. I'm still dating another guy in NYC but he doesn't compare to my ex!
My ex bought me dinner and a movie and we spent the day cuddling, catching up and he helped with my grandmother's things that I'm donating to local shelter. He's been my rock the last 2 weeks, msgs me and tells me he loves me often! I must be just as certifiable as he is! This is our 4th time at this merrigoround. At least I'm not making promises to him just to please him like I did 6 or 7 years ago. He knows I'm staying in the city 3 hrs away from him. And yet we don't want to lose each other.
I can't help it, I have loved him since I was 14 years old! The heart wants what it wants!
I am also still very bereft. No energy and I keep losing time. Tmw my aunt will go with me to pick up Baba's ashes which I dread. It will be the proverbial final nail in the coffin that Baba died and I'll never see her again. If it wasn't for my uncles, my aunt and my ex, I would just curl up into a ball and sleep away the days.
Lastly the uncertainty of where I will live come Jan 1st has me even more frantic. My roommate decided suddenly to break the lease and move out of state. We are trying to get the lease transferred into my name but the rental company is giving us the run around! So I am thinking worse comes to worse rent a monthly airbnb and put my stuff in storage.
I am proud to say so far I've purged or donated many bags of clothes or paperwork to be shredded. I have my stuff, my Mom's and Baba's to go through till the end of Dec but honestly if I have to pony up 1 more months rent here I will. The reason why is NYC eviction starts Jan so obviously the rent will go down. I don't want to spend more than $1400 for a 1 bedroom, and most start at $1600 or more! So stressful.
Thank G-d I have my kitties and my family, my friends and my ex! Without them I be lost in a downward spiral of despair!
Today my goals are
1- do the dishes
2- do lesson plans to be ready to teach again next week Monday
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