To The Loser Who Has Nothing Going For Them

A certain individual needs to stop backstabbing me via social media! Not cool and only shows your true colors, a loser who accuses anyone with the XY chromosome of rape! Makes up lies and believes their lies. Smh, defamation is real and sueable. Grow up! Owe up to the fact the very person you said is abusing you is the same person who you said makes cute babies with you and you wouldn't mind another one! Then cries rape, abuse and it is up to me to solve your crisis! I told you over and over again, if you fear for your life call the police and let the chips fall where they may. Even if that means losing a place to live that you are sponging off of your family, not paying a dime and whinning still years, decades later about whatever injustice you thought happened (and probably didn't because your mind warps things beyond reality)! 

Get a grip, having babies doesn't take a genius to do. Monkeys make babies all the time, not miraculous or awe inspiring. It was the only thing you are able to do even that I question if your kids will ever grow up normal with you as their parent. You never finished college, you made grandiose plans not attainable, you used me over and over again until I blocked you. 

Move on, oh right you can't. Forever stuck in endless loops of anyone who managed to get away from you! 

Befriending The Ex's Wife

Earlier this morning I dreamt about my 1st ex and his on and off again wife and near the end of the dream I befriended the wife! In the beginning of the dream I am sitting with my ex and another girl not his wife. I ask him about his Facebook profile photo joking who was he supposed to be because his wife is dressed like Mortician Addams! I don't recall his answer but he was basically telling me he can't wait to get away from his wife for good and date the woman next to him. I responded (ironically this is happening now irl) that I noticed his ex wife is constantly posting Facebook to his best friend! And in fact she just visited him but I'm not sure if my ex was with her or not? He has the look of "see what I'm dealing with?" I nod and then I see his wife and he is acting like everything is okay with them. A little while later I know his wife is alone all by herself in another room while my ex is busy with the other woman. I feel bad for her so I come into the room and she's lying belly down on the bed and looks up at me. I signed that I thought we should be friends and that we had a lot in common not just my ex. She at first is leery but agrees. 

Then next thing I can remember is I'm in the back of a cab with my ex and his wife is sort of sitting in his lap. And I say to them I hope they get remarried again especially for their kids. I know while saying this it is the exact opposite of what my ex wants but I guess I don't care and actually find myself sympathizing with the wife! Her face beamed when I said they ought to get remarried.

Lol then another dream before or after the one above.  

I'm at some kind of an amusement park with a group of people who I know in the dream but no clue irl were being harassed by pro Trumpers and the fact we were using masks! At one point I got fed up and flipped them the bird with both fingers! Then my group and their menacing group are facing each other but about 20 feet away with some kind of low gate separating the groups that was grass and bushes etc and the 1 girl in the front is signing furiously at us and I recognize her as a classmates from MSSD name Christy E... and I sign to her wait wait it is me from MSSD! And she doesn't recognize me and I lower my mask and she realizes who I am and we both start signing we agreed to disagree and go our merry way! As I'm leaving I sign the ILY hand to her! So funny we were arguing till we knew each other then agreed to disagree! And irl she is not a Trump lover!

My Country Of Sin! aka USA 🇺🇸

It is amazing to me how many casinos have opened up over the years. The last time I went to AC was 20 some years ago with my Mom also a poker player, she's the one who taught me <3 

I've been a gambler since around 10 years old when I would play with my Mom's friends weekly poker games and the two of us were the only women playing! In fact I can't ever remember a game with another woman! It wasn't til I started playing at a Deaf club monthly poker games a few years back. That I saw other women playing!

Anyhow back then my Mom and I would stop by the bank for 2 rolls of quarters and a bunch of $1. And back then we used real money not poker chips like today. And back then it wasn't legal! It was hush hush! I sure miss the gang, Joe Kesse, Michael "Mike" Thompson both who are dead now, and a cute guy name Bob I think that was his name? He had strawberry blond hair and I was in love with him! He also took me on one of my first early dates at 16 when he was like 21 or 22! I was so nervous i was shaking!? And of course my favorite one Eric "hot 🌭 dog!" players. I'll never forget the joke he made up, "How do you hide the 3 wise men in the desert? You camel-flauge (camouflage) them! *groans I know terrible right!* also when we played poker we played many versions of it not like today's obsession with Texas Hold'em version which annoys me to no end! I mean there's so many different ways to play

There's 

-7 card stud or wild

-5 card draw stud or wild

-Criss cross that had the shared open cards in a criss cross

- High low,  roll your own something about the player picking to play either high or low and if you had it you got to split the pot

- Up the river, down the river where I think that's like Texas Hold'em today but the middle card was wild and I think we turned the cards 1 by 1 not 3, then 1, then 1.

- Black Jack

And I'm sure I'm forgetting a few other versions sadly. 

We were the core players (My Mom,  Eric, Joe,  Mike, Bob and me) and on occasion one of us would bring a friend or two to join the game for the night. I bought Paula with me many times too. It would go on for 5 to 7 hours a night! I got to drink beer Old Milwaukee which I enjoyed. 

Mike Thompson would often near the end of the night play and deal Black Jack with the rest of the players! And if I would run out of my money early he would occasionally slip me another 20 to play! Such a good guy, my earliest memory of him is at Park City Mall arcade before they renovated it in the early 80s. There was a ice rink in the mall basement that was later used as a flea market where I would buy my knock off Jordache (sp?) purses and mechanical flipping dog and other early 80s junk that kids would buy!

Anyways Mike was a pinball player and my Mom and him were friends before I was born so he knew me all my life. I don't know when he died but it wasn't a surprise he was a heavy smoker and I think a drinker too but I'm not sure on that? I recall vaguely he would pass out sometimes?

My Mom <3 was the coolest Mom in the 🌎 world. I miss her terribly!

I'll never forget at one game around the age of 16 or 17, one of the guy players was a state trooper and there was a few joints passed around also very illegal and hush hush! I looked at my Mom in disbelief and the police officer assured us he was off the clock and wasn't going to narc! And I think he toked up too! 

I thank my Mom for making me such a good card player and gamer and pool player. She taught me what was consider traditionally "boys" things back then which today is much more equal among the several genders. I think that contributed to my Tomboy behavior 🤔?

So back to the title of this post. 

They say there's 7 deadly sins right? pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. All of these are in abundance in today's standards compared to 30 years ago. America is truly a puritan gentile country with roots deeply entwined with Christianity and the braches of Christianity! It is no wonder all that repression has lead to the very things the religion is concerned over! Crazy!!! *shrugs*

30 years ago weed, gambling, sexuality identification, constant eating out, or eating processed foods or overeating, the need for chronic instances meaning everything has to be right now and not later. I'm guilty of this too! I love Google and some of the other formerly taboos mentioned above! And for better or for worse I'm proud to be an American and have done pretty well for myself all things considered!

2022 The Year of the Money!

Well my new years has started off rather well! On Jan 2nd I won $800 playing slots with a comp card given to me at the casino! I have never played slots before but man am I hooked!

Then last night out I decided to check out a different casino accessible by public transportation and won another $400 making my total win $1200 and the year has just begun! I figured I would try to see how much of my winnings can I make grow until 2023?

My general rule for the slots is to risk losing up to $300, or $100 per machine! And if I make any money beyond the initial $100 then put that money aside. I didn't do that originally and in fact lost the $300 and decided to withdraw another $180 and ended up coming home with $980, $180 goes back to my checking account. The other $700 includes the $300 that I began with and $400 extra!

I like the machines that allow for extra spins or bonus winnings those are a lot of fun! I avoided the poker machines like 5 card draw or black jack. I never do well with those machines but slots oh my so fun!

In other news I had a lovely visit with my Sweetie last week and rested a lot! I am starting to feel a teeny tiny bit better. I've only been on the anti depressant for 2 weeks now and it usually takes 4-6 weeks to notice the difference. But the time off from teaching has been restorative in many ways. Less stress equal less depression it seems?

It was a lovely snow storm overnight, leaving the casino at 5am and seeing the snow wonderland always makes me happy. Too bad a lot of it has already melted by the late afternoon. 

Not sure what I'll do for the rest of today? Laundry? Tidy up the bedroom? No clue and what's nice is I have the time to chill and go at my own pace.

Let's see how I do the remainder of the 2022 year in terms of winning?!?

ADHD Paralysis

Two days ago on huffington post website I came across an article about living with untreated ADHD. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/diagnosed-with-adhd-adult_n_6194234ae4b0ae9a42985a73 

While reading it I came across the term "ADHD Paralysis" and the light bulb went off! This is exactly what I've been dealing with while being depressed it is 10xs worse! 

I came across Dani Donovan's website with these comics that accurately reflects my experiences with ADHD. https://www.adhddd.com/comics/

Donovan is now one of my newest favorite artist <3 

Some other images related to ADHD that I feel is on point!

So true! It is hard to explain how ADHD encompasses my entire being all day, everyday!

and this too, some days I'm invincible but other days my ADHD paralysis takes over and I get so little accomplished! When that happens I engage in a lot of negative self such as I'm lazy or a loser or worse. Then I start to compare myself to my peers thinking "what's wrong with me! If so and so can do things why can't I do them too?!?" It is a vicious cycle. 

For a long time I felt like I was improving with my ADHD coping skills and my self esteem is better than it was but since Baba died my ADHD paralysis has been an all time high and made my depression a major depressive episode. So on top of my ADHD paralysis my depression zaps all of my energy reserves unless it is after 10 or 11pm! Suddenly I'll be wide awake when I need to go to bed! 

I feel this is the worse mental state I've ever been in especially last month. My depression was so bad I would say 10 out of 10. 

Right now it is probably an 8 or 9 out of 10 so yeah I'm not that much better. 

Hopefully in 2 weeks after the semester ends and course grades submitted I will feel less stressed. 

In other news, work with the exception of correcting and grading is going well. 

My Sexy German has been wonderful to me and loves me even when I'm depressed and gives me cuddles and lots of encouragement. I am so happy we got back together a year ago. We hardly ever argue and yes he's still bipolar but when he's in a bad mood he will let me know it isn't me and if he's grumpy and short with me he'll say sorry. That wasn't something he did in the past, he would never apologize for anything especially when he hurt my feelings. I am glad we are in a better place and doing so well. 

As for friends, several have been regularly checking in on me. I am so loved. And while some days it feels like I'm just killing time till I can join my Mom and Baba again (I am not suicidal)! My friends, my Sweetheart and my aunt Nancy and uncle David make me feel less alone in the world. It is times like these I wish I had a brother or sister to be close with. Perhaps if I ever find out my real dad's identity maybe I have some half brothers or sisters? It sure would be nice!

Jenny Kiss'd Me

Jenny kiss'd me when we met,   
  Jumping from the chair she sat in;   
Time, you thief, who love to get   
  Sweets into your list, put that in!   
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
  Say that health and wealth have miss'd me,   
Say I'm growing old, but add,   
      Jenny kiss'd me.

By Leigh Hunt from 1838.

Baba was fond of this poem. 

I miss her and Mom everyday!

(Crochet was made by my aunt Nancy <3)

When I Was One And Twenty

When I was one-and-twenty

       I heard a wise man say,

“Give crowns and pounds and guineas

      But not your heart away;

Give pearls away and rubies

       But keep your fancy free.”

But I was one-and-twenty,

       No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty

       I heard him say again,

“The heart out of the bosom

       Was never given in vain;

’Tis paid with sighs a plenty

       And sold for endless rue.”

And I am two-and-twenty,

       And oh, ’tis true, ’tis true.

When I Was One And Twenty by A.E. Houseman was a poem Baba used to recite to me. How I miss her. I don't think I'll shall ever stop missing Baba or Mom. How could I not? 

Woe Is Me

Woe is me is from the Bible translation by Wycliff which was published in 1382. In the Bible it goes thus; “If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction.” 

And cited in Shakespeare play Hamlet. That's probably where Baba heard it from and has said over the years. 

Going through one of my most major depressive episode of my life the last few months. 

The anguish is soul crushing and I'm falling behind with work. The pits of despair seems endless. And it is like I have forgotten how to be happy and hopeful. 

I thought once the year had passed of Baba's passing I be doing better. But I feel worse than ever and I blame cymbalta a pain medication prescribed for my chronic pain to have made my depression worse. It hasn't helped with my pain and I don't feel like me. 

I am grateful my Sexy German has been so good to me all through this. If I didn't have him I feel like I have no one. Sure my aunt and uncle and my big brother but other than them and a few close friends I'm alone. 

I miss Baba and Mom terribly and cannot get over the injustice of my Mom's sudden passing. Sometimes it feels like I'm just killing time till. One day bleeds into the next. 

Work despite my recent lagging still makes me happy but it is only a small part of my week. 

The "I am thankful" posts I could do without and frankly an insult to Indengious folks that were robbed of their lands and annihilated. 

Tomorrow will be a better day but today is a pity party kind of day. 

In order to get better I resigned from volunteering for my 30th class reunion and the online professional course that I fell behind in is ending this week and I have given up on that course and realized I don't particularly want or need that skill set. Nonetheless I liked my teacher a lot. Will miss interacting with her. 

Now all I have to do is focus on work and my health. That's it, I'm still anti social and will be so for a while especially with the cold and dark months ahead! Daylight savings sucks!

Yankee Stadium Meteorite

Several days ago I had a dream that the world was ending. Something about an impending explosion from our solar system and I was scrambling to get out of the city (I live in NYC). I only remember bits and parts of the dream.
I remember gathering family photos and keepsakes. And then I was in a crowd of people going somewhere when someone fell. Me and a few others helped this person get up. But in the process I lose all the items I took with me.
Then I'm suddenly on the 4 train and the Yankee stadium is in view. I see from the sky a meteorite crashing down into the Yankee stadium like a bulls eye. I blurt out "I love you" to a young woman unknown to me,  a stranger that I have never met and gives me a quizzical look. I feel surprised by myself telling a stranger that I love them and then I wake up!

In the past my dreams often serve as an omen of what's to come. I will be curious to see what shakes up my foundations in the next few weeks. Maybe a new beginning? Or I will experience a tremendous loss?

And this is probably the 3rd or 4th time I have had the end of the world dreams. Usually it is from an A bomb, this was the 1st that wasn't a man made ending!

I read online that this could symbolize a spiritual awakening within my soul. I kind of believe that especially since my therapy lately has been extremely intense. I am in the process of healing the young girl inside of me that was traumatized and bullied for 8 years growing up. After the internal family system we started 2 weeks ago I was in a rotten mood for several days following the 1st session. Yesterday was the 2nd session and my therapist pointed out to me that my protector part of my psyche didn't like that at all. Shaking up the status quo after years of repressing my pain. It was a good session and I have a long way to go. I wonder if my dream is a reflection of that?

Ecclesiastes 3. 1-13

The early afternoon on the day Baba died she recited part of Ecclesiastes 3. 1-13. (The parts that are in bold below)

It has haunted me since

It has been 9 months since Baba passed away. I miss her and Mom everyday.  I feel so alone in the world sometimes. 

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9. What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10. I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11. He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12. I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

Deaf Schools Decibel Levels

I will never forget my orientation week with John Y. at MSSD as a freshmen. The 1st day I stepped outside of dorm D, after we had unloaded the car. All I saw was a sea of hands and I was literally dumbstruck as to what I got myself into!

Both my Mom and Baba commented that they thought a Deaf school would be as quiet as a library. Boy they both were wrong and shocked at how noisy a Deaf school is! My Mom said it sounded like someone was getting murdered in the cafeteria! Yep we may be Deaf but we sure aren't quiet! 😁😉😊

MSSD was the best thing that ever happened to me! It changed my life for the better and I still credit the Deaf world for saving me!

Goodbye Aunt Flo!

Yesterday I had a hysteromcy performed to help with my stage 4 endometrisis and severe adhesions disease! I am and was in chronic pain that I could barely function some days. In a way teaching online was a blessing! 

Anyhoo I'm still here on my 2nd day to control the pain with IV painkillers which is G-d sent but now this afternoon we will try oral painkillers. I am anxious about that as in the past they make me violently ill, so this afternoon should be interesting....

Also my surgeon Dr. Vijay is an endometriosis specialist and phenomenal doctor! I'm receiving mostly good care. There was 1 nurse in earlier that was adamant I read her lips! I told her NO it is not my job to read your lips, it isn't legible like reading a book! I kept pointing to the sign that says I'm Deaf and pointed to the portable VRI machine and pen and paper and she stormed off. I told the other nurses to keep her away from me! How dare she insist I read lips when there is paper and pen and VRI machine in the room with me!

Dr. Vijay warned me that I'm on heavy narcotics and not to expect to be in as good shape as I am right now.  Im in hardly any pain but I know it will be a rough few weeks. Not to worry, my aunt Nancy  is here in town to take care of me and Duke-em is my personal escort to the hospital and back and will run errands for me as needed. Plus my lovely German neighbor  will be checking in on me after my aunt Nancy leaves on Sunday. 

Things I learned about my surgery, my intestines on the right side of my abdominal wall was stuck again and freed up! I had 2 massive cysts in my ovaries and one had already ruptured! They said my surgery went extremely well much better than they anticipated. Even remarked my adhesion disease isn't as bad as my medical records indicted.

Okay that about sums up everything. I truly hope this surgery results will lead to better quality of life for me. The best part is no more periods!!! W00t that's something to be happy about, goodbye Aunt Flo!

The Grief Limbo Continues

I feel like I've been to war and back since my beloved 94 years old grandmother Baba who died Nov 5th. I have adulted more in the last 2 months than my entire life!
- Less than a week after Baba died got both an inner and outer ear infection on the same ear I wear my hearing aid! Which made me feel lonely among my hearing uncles and aunt
-Sorted through 90 plus years worth of things by donation, give to family, friends or neighbors and that was heart wrenching to slowly disassembled Baba's home
-took care of the cremation services and picked up Baba's ashes
-I wrote with my uncle's feedback and paid for her obituary
- I bought 3 plots for Baba, my Mom (who died 3 years ago)
- I put a deposit down to have Baba's and Mom's ashes laid to rest and started a 3 years interest free payment plan for my ashes when the time comes
- finished teaching, gave final exams and did end of the semester course grades for 100 students a few days before Xmas
- got the paperwork for Baba's estate lawyer and finally met with her on Dec 30th
- dealt with Baba's online financial accounts for the estate lawyer
-gathered all the photos, mementos, journals, important family documents,  letters and my 2 uncles and I spent 6 hours wading through it all! I then carefully pack up what we decided to keep for safeguarding
- packed up everything I wanted to keep and hired movers to move from PA about 90% of Baba's furniture which is much nicer than anything I've accumulated in the 16 years in NYC
-dealt with the movers 5 hours last Tuesday January 5th and again yesterday January 8th for 3 hours which meant I only had an air mattress, a camping chair to use while waiting for my things to be delivered. All the old furniture was removed because I was told it would be the same day move and it wasn't!
Now I just need to unpack and I'm struggling to stay motivated, I am still very bereft! I have been eating my feelings ugh which sucks cuz I lost 16 lbs right before Baba died and now I don't know if I've gained it all back or not?
The worst part of it all is I feel so alone and anchoredless! I was Baba's caregiver for many years. I am an only child, never married, no kids, don't know my father or that side of the family. I have my 2 uncles and 1 aunt and 1 cousin far away! And none of them live nearby but I will try to continue to visit monthly. Difficult with COVID-19 rising!
I want to stress that my one uncle and aunt went above and beyond the call of duty and without them I would not have finished this in a somewhat timely manner. And my other uncle helped some too but I think it was too hard for him to be active in it all.
Before Baba died and we knew it would be soon, she said she was so sorry to have to leave me all alone. And that's how I feel, alone even with my cats, friends, 2 different guys in my life I still feel alone. This post isn't to garner attention and I know after enough time goes by, it won't hurt so much. But right now it hurts and it waxes and wanes. I can function but I have no joy. 

My Sexy German and New Year's Eve 2020

Sadly it took Baba's death to bring is back together again only this time we are doing much better these last 2 months. 

I will move Baba's things to NYC on Jan 5th. It is a bittersweet feeling of grief and excitement. Grief to say goodbye to Willow Valley Retirement community and the friends I made there and the finality that Baba's being gone. Even now as I write this my eyes tear up and start run. I have no regrets, I was here almost every weekend after Mom died, I made sure Baba had whatever she needed. We were best friends and I miss her and Mom everyday! But it is also exciting to return to NYC and have my true love in my life again. 

I picked my Sexy German purrs up last night and we came back to Baba's apartment to catch up on the news as he had gotten COVID-19 right after my last visit and the flu from his kid and grandkids visiting the day after I last saw him 2.5 weeks ago.  And while we message all the time, some things I save to share in person. I also got to show him some journal entries from '91 and '92 when I was 17 years old and wrote about him and my 1st kiss with him was surprise on the cheek! Even then I was sweet. One part I wrote that he bought his younger brother with him and I stated that I thought my Sexy German (I didn't call him that back then) was 100xs cuter than his brother! It is a delight and a blessing that these journals I thought were lost are still here. I found them in the very last unopened box from Kent Gardens where Baba used to live but we never opened it after she moved here and I have to get everything out of her home!

Back to my New Year's Eve, despite either of us having much energy we had a great time. After we talked I gave him a choice, sex now then the movie or watch the movie and sex later. However he requested a belated birthday sex activity  request and I explained that if he wanted that, we better do it now before we got too tired. So we did and it was fantastic! I have enjoyed sex with him the last 2 months more than the sex the last 2 years with 2 different 31 year olds! 

We watched a long, complicated movie called Tenet. It was hard to follow. We had to pause it at 11:57pm so I could watch the New Year's Eve ball drop on tv and took pictures of us at that time too. 

Around 1230am we headed back to his place where I dropped him off. I may get to see him more time the day before I leave but I doubt it. His health is not good. 

However I'm so glad he accepts me living in NYC. And there is no financial pressure to have to support him, his "roommate" which I still think is more than that does and frankly I don't even care! Even if she's still his girlfriend, I have his heart and he has mine. In a way I'm glad he has her in his life for emergency and sorry to be harsh but to pay the bills! I can't be bothered thinking that I am a homewrecker of sorts. I have loved him since I was 14 and nothing will ever change that. She can have him full-time. I love having him part time. 

May 2021 be a better year for us all!

1958 Buddy Holly's Everyday

As I sit less than 5 feet away from both my Mom's and Baba's ashes,  Buddy Holly's song Everyday plays on auto repeat. But I also bawled out my eyes so hard that my nose was throbbing afterwards! I don't think that's ever happened before!

I like to think it might be the pair of them whispering it into my mind's personal DJ!

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday, it's a-gettin' faster
Everyone said, "Go up and ask her"
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way, love's a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way, love's a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey
Love like yours will surely come my way

Spent 7 hours grading 100 exams,  and another hour or 2 catching up on students video hmk etc..I will be so happy this Thursday to finally be relieved of work for a while and just be able to greive and pack up Baba's things! I only have till Jan 5th to finish up!

Was sick last week but feeling better now. And I was thankful that the COVID-19 nasal swab test was free and negative! Plus they didn't ram it up to my brain! I kind of stopped getting the nasal swab test because I would suffer from sinus headaches for days afterwards. I just got the antibody testing instead!

COVID-19 vaccine, I am always baffled by those who won't vaccinate! As the sticker that I bought for Baba which she loved ny a few years ago read Science doesn't give a fuck what you believe! That's it, science is the closet thing to a religion in my opinion. Because you have to face the facts and data and then proceed from there. 

An Emotional Cost

Being alone so much at Baba's home during my grief and dealing with the uncertainty of where I'll be living? Trying to plan a move based on many unknown variables is super stressful. 

And keeping my head above water at work, I am so ready for the semester to end! I couldn't abandon my students the last 3 weeks but I'm paying an emotional toll by doing so.

The slow agony of dealing with Baba's things these last few weeks, I don't know how much more I can bear! 

I do know when I'm away from Baba's home I'm functioning much better. But thanks to effing COVID-19 and travel restrictions, I can't even take a break! 

But I am grateful for my uncle D who sleeps over every Friday nights and my aunt N on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays. My ex is somewhat supportive but I can't rely on him like when we were together. Despite it all he is a source of comfort. And I still love him, always will. 

Love, Death + Robots

I had a crazy dream where the world was in chaos in some city (not NYC). I'm with my Mom and we are trying to hide outside among the rubble and broken down buildings. And we were arguing, being impatient with each other on where to hide when I look over my shoulder to see Godzilla appear several blocks away. It is night time so you can only see his shadowy figure. There is no sound throughout the whole dream. Funny I'm not scared, in a way I'm happy to be with my Mom even though we are not very patient with one another in my dream. 

Clearly binging on the Netflix's Love, Death + Robots influenced my dream last night. Good series, highly recommend it!

Musical Tinnitus

In the last 6 months I've gone days, sometimes weeks without using my hearing aid. And I noticed my mind often has music playing in the background, repeatedly.  Sometimes it is a song I know, and it could be all the words or just bits of it on auto repeat. Other times no clue what's being sung or what instrumental orchestra I'm "listening" to! Very annoying when my mind plays a song but I can only hear the voice or music not the words being sung or what instruments is being played! A few months ago I asked Baba if she ever experienced that and she said "Oh sure! Everybody has!" Made me feel less cuckoo! And according to the Google search results my mind devoid of sound normally supplemented by my hearing aid, seeks auditory stimulation and thus I hear music a LOT.

Since Baba died I have mostly "listened" to Nirvana's song Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge

I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]
In her false witness, we hope you're still with us, To see if they float or drown
Our favorite patient, a display of patience,
Disease-covered Puget Sound
She'll come back as fire, to burn all the liars, And leave a blanket of ash on the ground. I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]

But this evening Bohiem Rhaspody lyrics specially the following part rings so true how despondent I feel about Baba's death, that she would actually say this in her own words. 

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Problem is I don't want to let her go. I want my person here, my best friend, my heart and soul.

Today my aunt and I went and donated Baba's clothes which weighed 186 lbs! I hope whoever ends up with the clothes enjoys them! 

The most poignant song for me that I can barely listen to in real life since Mom died is Mary Chapin Carpenter song 10,000 Miles and is gaurenteed to make me cry even the 1st time I heard it in the movie Fly Away watching it with Baba about 7 or 8 years ago,  before either of them had died. It evokes such agonizing sense of loss.

"10,000 Miles"

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

The parts in bold gets me every time, her voice is so melancholic

I don't want life without my Mom and Baba in it, just so bleak. I know this is grief talking and I'm grateful my recent ex reached out to me and has comforted me as he had when my Bastard Kitty died, when my Mom died and now with Baba. I will always love him despite the many differences between us he'll always be the one I love. 

Things That Happen In 3s

After a fitful sleep this morning I finally willed myself out of bed.  

Eventually I did 5 lesson plans to wrap up my semester. Later today after I get another restless night of sleep. I must try to record at least 2-3 and post them. This should give my students ample time to study for the finals and free up some time to catch up on grading course work. 

I continued to add to the chaos here at Baba's home as I dismantle it. Very heartbreaking process and boy she sure had a lot of clothes! I honestly think I have half as much as she does/did. It will be good to unload approximately 10 large bags of clothes, shoes and purses to a local shelter. Her clothing is mostly LL Beans and Land's End. They'll be put to good use at least than just dropping them off at Goodwill where there is a profit to be made. Somehow I rather see her things be given freely to those in need. 

Earlier I watched a movie with one of Baba's friend and neighbor here. The movie was called Stardust (2007 version) and it was cute. It was good for me to get out of Baba's apartment for a bit. 

Later today at 11am I will meet the lady selling her 3 plots at the cemetery that Baba wanted. I am so thankful for my aunt informing me the local newspaper that people sell their plots! I will finally be able to make plans not only to put Baba's ashes to rest but my Mom's too and a spot reserved for when my time comes to. It gives me a little peace. 

A little Joe/Jo trifecta just occurred to me. See my friend Joe Joy's father just passed away on the 16th. So we have been keeping in touch, tonight Baba's friend's cats, one is name Joe and was all over me tonight. And later today the person I'm meeting to sell the plots is name Jo! I know, superstitious but I am a believer in things happening in 3s!

Utter Exhaustion and Alone

The more progress I make, the more chaos surrounds me. Baba sure had a lot of clothes, well over 7 clear kitchen size bags full of clothes not counting the shoes and purses. I was able to keep several of her sweaters, most of her clothes were 1 size too big for me. 

I talked with Joe Joy via video chat. He lost his Dad on the 16th so we are both still in a daze and bereft by our losses. It is good that I have someone I can vent to and not feel judge. Unless you have been destroyed by someone's death you can't understand our pain or how weird grief is. 

I am so lonely in my grief.