Utter Exhaustion and Alone

The more progress I make, the more chaos surrounds me. Baba sure had a lot of clothes, well over 7 clear kitchen size bags full of clothes not counting the shoes and purses. I was able to keep several of her sweaters, most of her clothes were 1 size too big for me. 

I talked with Joe Joy via video chat. He lost his Dad on the 16th so we are both still in a daze and bereft by our losses. It is good that I have someone I can vent to and not feel judge. Unless you have been destroyed by someone's death you can't understand our pain or how weird grief is. 

I am so lonely in my grief. 

Can't be bothered, too much effort

I found a good article that talks about grief and food 

Food as Fuel for Self Care and Healing - Grief In Common

https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/food-as-fuel-for-self-care-and-healing/

The tiredness is head on. I rather not eat than have to try to cook. I barely keep up with the dishes these days.

I hate grief, it messes with my ability to function at the level I want to. I am hard on myself I keep being told this. But I don't know any other way....

What grief looks like...

Time runs differently when bereft!

[From Nov 20, 2020]

Does anyone else suddenly look up in surprise what time it is or even what day it is? Yesterday while waiting at the pharmacy there was a sign saying they be closed Wednesday 11th for Veteran's day. And I'm thinking at the time "today is Wednesday the 11th but they're open!" Then I looked at my phone, oh it is Wednesday 18th. Baba died on Thursday Nov 5th so it is like I lost a whole week in my mind. Even just now I think it is like 630pm but no it is almost 1030pm! 

The other day it was a Tuesday but in my mind all day it felt like it was Sunday!

I keep losing time. I feel like one of those figures in a video that doesn't move but the background is sped up to show long passage of time but the person hardly moves.

How do I love thee?

I NEVER thought I be back with my ex almost 2 years later. On Nov 5th my beloved 94 year old grandmother Baba passed away and was my best friend for decades, she helped raise me etc etc. My ex bf whom I have loved since I was a teenager, his Mom had texted me 2 days after Baba died and I asked her to inform my ex that Baba died. He sent me an email expressing his condolences and asked if there is anything he could do? I wrote back thanking him and 1 thing led to another where we made amends for how things ended almost 2 years ago due to many factors. And he admitted that he had put too much of a burden on me and a lot of his anger had nothing to do with me. We met up yesterday and he let me cry my heart out as he knew Baba well and my family dynamics. We agreed we still love each other a lot and while we want very different lifestyles we want to try to make it work again under new terms. For example he no longer is asking me to live with him or move out of my city. He seems open to continuing a LD relationship with me etc and it felt so good to be with him all day yesterday. We have agreed to take it nice and slow. I asked him about his anger and depression and he says he has mellowed out the last year or so and with his roommate (yes the former heroin addict) his life is much more stable as he isn't stressed by money all the time. And he finally got a diagnosis of ALS which explained a lot of his health issues when we were together last time.
He also swears they're are not and never were together, just friends and roommates. I admit I'm not 100% sure I believe him and we are not exclusive. I'm still dating another guy in NYC but he doesn't compare to my ex!
My ex bought me dinner and a movie and we spent the day cuddling, catching up and he helped with my grandmother's things that I'm donating to local shelter. He's been my rock the last 2 weeks, msgs me and tells me he loves me often! I must be just as certifiable as he is! This is our 4th time at this merrigoround. At least I'm not making promises to him just to please him like I did 6 or 7 years ago. He knows I'm staying in the city 3 hrs away from him. And yet we don't want to lose each other.
I can't help it, I have loved him since I was 14 years old! The heart wants what it wants!

I am also still very bereft. No energy and I keep losing time. Tmw my aunt will go with me to pick up Baba's ashes which I dread. It will be the proverbial final nail in the coffin that Baba died and I'll never see her again. If it wasn't for my uncles, my aunt and my ex, I would just curl up into a ball and sleep away the days. 

Lastly the uncertainty of where I will live come Jan 1st has me even more frantic. My roommate decided suddenly to break the lease and move out of state. We are trying to get the lease transferred into my name but the rental company is giving us the run around! So I am thinking worse comes to worse rent a monthly airbnb and put my stuff in storage. 

I am proud to say so far I've purged or donated many bags of clothes or paperwork to be shredded. I have my stuff, my Mom's and Baba's to go through till the end of Dec but honestly if I have to pony up 1 more months rent here I will. The reason why is NYC eviction starts Jan so obviously the rent will go down. I don't want to spend more than $1400 for a 1 bedroom, and most start at $1600 or more! So stressful. 

Thank G-d I have my kitties and my family, my friends and my ex! Without them I be lost in a downward spiral of despair!

Today my goals are

1- do the dishes

2- do lesson plans to be ready to teach again next week Monday

Anchoredless

Feeling crestfallen and empty to live life without Baba.

All day long there was like a million little things I wanted to share with Baba but I can't.  No one gets me the way she does nor I for her. I have lost my biggest support system left in my life. I loved how forward thinking she was. How I could tell it like it was. No sugar coating, she was instrumental in every aspect of my life. I don't have her anymore and it is soul crushing for me at times. I go back and forth from being okay to snotty teared fest!

Baba was the only who actively signed with me for over 3 decades. I don't have anyone except one uncle who doesn't really use ASL to be so inclusive with me in my family. To take interest to Deaf Culture.  She remarked early last summer when she returned to PA to my uncle. "I was totally thrown into the Deaf world for 3 months no one was hearing everyone she encountered (limited numbers of visitors due to COVID-19) were all Deaf. She said to my uncle it could be difficult and lonely at times thats why she would use her iPhone and make calls. And I upon her request wore my hearing aids more often.  Being thrown in together at the height of COVID-19 outbreak last March plus dealing with my job all of a sudden online was a lot for us at 1st.  I was a tad bit grumpy, thankful that was short lived! 

We settled into a routine and by thr end of May she had had enough NYC specifically the noise. I am grateful for that time we had together so she saw how enriched my life truly is.

I am also so proud of her obituary, I wanted to lovingly capture the woman she was. But my 1 uncle wasn't happy about it. We have made up. Live and let live. 

Ghosts or Living Exes of the Past and Grief

Last Sunday my last ex's mother sends me one of random weird texts with just an odd lookng flower photo attached and no text msg itself. 

I responded back that Baba had just died and to please let my ex know.  I didn't think I hear back from him.i figured he be gleeful that Baba died, 

I almost wonder if my 2nd ex aka the Tin Man would feel that way too? I hope not because the Tin Man treated Baba better than anyone else in his life including myself or his Mom. They agreed on a lot, I used to joke my 2nd ex was born in the wrong era.  

The Tin Man would remind me to be kinder to Baba like that time she bought my new hearing aids and aked what I thought of them.  And instead of being gracious, I was nonchalant, my Deaf pride got in thr way of a loving and expensive gift I was being bestowed. I learned a lot about pride and dignity from both Baba and my 2nd ex.

My last ex has been a good distraction to me but I try not to rely on that solely. I must forge ahead. 

A Dying Breed

Alex Trebek and Baba were part of a dying breed where people carried themselves with class and dignity. We are not just mourning their absences but what they represented from an era long gone past. 

Today everyone is obsessed with looking good and staying young and whoring themselves for fame and money. Manners and common decency has gone out the window or rarely seen by current society standards. 

There is something to be said about maintaining a sense of decorum that seems to dwindle with each passing year and yet another reality show. 

Sure we are being ourselves but we can also be respectful. There is a time and a place for everything.

Nonetheless nothing ever stays still. So I best better evolve or perish. I admired Baba being 94 years old and enjoying her new Android phone over 9 years with iPhone. She also used a laptop, video msg with me, the internet to order groceries and rxes, etc., etc... The rest of my family lives like Ludites practically!  Even my Mom when she was alive was not interested in having a cell phone and impatient with her computer. But she loved talking into her t.v. remote to change the channel and enthusiastically showed me several times.  But my uncles not counting the one in California both hardly use any technology!

I am taking this week off from work to grieve and arranging a memorial service for Baba on Saturday afternoon. It has been a long 3 days. Grief is so tiring. 

Crossing all my Ts and doting all my Is

I realized last night in the early hours of the morning Baba waited until I checked off all the boxes and would be okay if she died. 

Baba got to see my life and my Deaf friends in NYC during the 3 months she lived with me and saw I have a wonderful life and support system there. 

Baba got to see me lose the COVID-19 weight gain and the day before she passed she told me how pretty I was. And the day she passed she remarked how flat my stomach is now. 

Baba got to see me teach online, see how I interact with my students and remarked what a great job I did. How engaged and attentive I am with my students. She remarked that it's no surprise that my students generally love me. 

Baba got to see my raise at work and my retirement funds and remarked that she was relieved I am financially stable even during this awful pandemic!

Baba waited to make sure I be okay without her. I am thankful for her strength to carry on with bad kidneys, several TIAs (mini strokes), breast cancer and embolism clots in her lungs. I don't know anyone else as strong as she was! And yet her mind remained intact and she never lost her sense of humor. I made her laugh all the time. I miss her so much. 

I know it was her time but it doesn't make her absences any less painful.

i Carry Your Heart With Me

[i Carry Your Heart With Me(i Carry It In]

By E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Mom. She adored poetry, how I wish she were here to tell me what she thought of e.e. cummings and his style of prose? 

[This was originally posted on August 19, 2019 blogger messed up this post grr]

My Alice Has Gone Beyond The Looking Glass

Baba passed away quickly earlier this evening.

I was with her in her final moments and told her I would be fine, that it was okay to go. And she let out a final deep breath.

We had no idea she would die a few hours ago. I left the room for less than a minute when she suddenly was acting very strangely and I asked her if something was wrong? Her eyes were large and she shook her head yes.  I pulled the cord and I ran to get the nurse and by the time we got back, she died within 5-10 mins later. I am heartbroken, my uncles are here with me now. We are waiting for cremation services to come and get her body. 

I didn't cry when she was dying and I thank G-d I was able to be strong for her. Earlier today I told her what if life the afterlife there is no cable. But instead you have a remote control and can change the channel and see me teaching on one channel and my Uncle reading a book on another channel? Baba laughed and said that would be "lovely darling"

So my darling Baba, my best friend, my dearest of hearts, may you rest in peace with your Mother, your sister Miriam and my Mom.

"Without Great Solitude No Serious Work is Possible" ~Pablo Picasso

Yesterday marked exactly 3 weeks since Baba and I have holed up in the apt with the 2 kitties. Most days pretty good always something to do, clean, eat, watch,  VP with etc etc but it is not the same as living fully and freely. I'm missing my biweekly adventures with LAD (Lancaster Association of the Deaf in PA), or going to Deaf events here in NYC. I think my last real big Deaf social was in Florida for the FASLTA conference in February. Seems like ages ago! 

I know this is temporary and will pass even if it takes a year or two, but I sure do miss society as a whole! 

Rona, is that you???

My new normal, waiting for live updates with Mayor DeBlasio on NY1 channel with Stacie (Janet's daughter) or Jonathan terping 👍 both are local CDIs here in NYC.
Feeling distressed with several friends already COV-19 infected or suspect they do based on symptoms they're having. Challenging time.
Ended up deciding to make my online classes asynchronous rather than synchronized. Zoom is great for few people but for a class, I am going to take a hard pass.
Instead been using screencastify along with Quizizz (cute free app to make quizzes like a game) and Edpuzzle encouraged my students to use Zoom for weekly practice with a classmate.
I am learning to take it day by day. Not much else one can do under such unique times!  However Baba, my 2 kitties (Callie Maui & Rosie Nova) and I are all still NY strong!!!

Sleep and the lack of thereof

Last August I started my adventure with the sleep clinic and did 2 overnight sleep studies. Turns out I have sleep apnea and on the average stop breathing 30xs an hour! Incredible! I am not overweight and other than my usual upper respiratory maladies there is no medical reason for this! Apparently I take after my aunt Miriam who everyone says I look like, she too had sleep apnea and was skinny! It must be genetic but also explains why I'm always tired too and never feel rested. And what else is depressing is I never reach a deep sleep and my REM stage is nominal, very little unless I'm medicated by something that knocks me out like Xanax or Vistaril. Very discouraging, even my 2nd sleep study report it stated that with CPAP machine I still had sleep apnea incidents so the report stated perhaps a different machine be more beneficial. We will see am currently waiting to see my sleep doctor to discuss my results and find what will help me sleep better at night?

Spinning Out

2020  is here! I can't believe it! Time really does speed up as you age. When I was a kid I thought we be living in the Jetson era! With flying cars and robot servants! Perhaps in another 40 years?

There is a great new series on Netflix called Spinning Out about a family where the mother and one of her daughters have bipolar and damn I binged through that series in 1 day! Why? My ex is bipolar and it destroyed us. Bipolar disorder is a living nightmare. Never ending battle with the insane behavior and triggers that bipolar folks have. I don't miss walking on egg shells or being given the silent treatment for minor infractions that I wasn't even aware of. The lies, the stealing, the gaslighting can erode even the sanest, healthiest individuals to start to question their own self worth. But on the flip side when they're having a good day or when the mania kicks in, they can be the sweetest, most loving person you ever met. The problem is those days are far and few and as time goes by, even fewer. Every mistake you make with a bipolar person is forever etched into their brain and tallied up and thrown into your face again and again and again. Till all you become is this vile being in their eyes and this justifies their atrocious behavior with you and drive you away for good!

Yes I miss my ex, he was one of my greatest love in life. Even with all the bad, the manipulation and the ill feelings at the end was NEVER as bad as my 2nd LTR. My recent ex while hurt me, didn't make me feel bad all the time, everyday, all day for his own enjoyment like my 2nd ex.  He thrives on others misery, he was so angry and spewed hatred every chance he got. When I saw him seveal years back, just being around him bought me back to that dark place I was at when we dated. I feel sorry for his current gf, she's clearly not very bright and like me back then, has low self esteem. I hope for her sake, he's a better man, but I know better. He's truly a sociopath. My last ex has a disorder, bipolar is a brain malfunction. So while it was awful at times, knowing it was the bipolar in him and not his sadistic personality driving the terrible behavior made a big difference.

I have ADD but I take meds for it and have been going to therapy for years now. I am no longer, impulsive, and my self confidence has grown by the leaps and bounds. I am not who I used to be.

If you have someone in your life that is bipolar and others don't understand, tell them to watch Spinning Out just to get an idea. May my recent ex find peace with his choices and may we both over time remember more of the good then the bad!

A Blip On My Radar

A little over a week ago, one of my former flames reached out to me. He's single and we were both texting and video msging everyday for 1 week straight. 

It caught me by surprised, thinking he was still in a relationship so when he contacted me I thought it would be brief and a one time thing but the next thing I know he was confessing all the wrong things in his life but also grateful for many things too. And we asked each other numerous questions and told many personal stories that is shared by lovers not friends. He is a fool to think I would have opened up as much as I did if it wasn't mutual, that level of intimacy! A lot of what he shared with me surprised me too. That he felt so comfortable to do so. I shared but I was always kind of holding back. He flirted a lot,  I didn't.  

And I will not betray his trust. Hope he will not betray mine?

Then at the end he said he didn't want to do anything to ruin our budding friendship. 

Uh like no hun. 

Never would've invested my time or energy during our massive communication period with someone I wasn't interested in. I don't believe in being friends with the ex. I can handle being social media friend from afar. That's it. Even then I sometimes wonder if I want that either?

He tried to make it like I was the one who couldn't "handle" being friends with him. I was like you're the one who can't handle me as I am. I call it like it is and I'm not going to waste my time stroking your ego. We had a lovely reunion, there was no animosity but I know who I am and what I want. 

If I have ever declared my love for you and shared my bed with you for x numbers of years then no we CANNOT be friends. 

Lucky for me I just go back to my wonderful, colorful and vibrant life. And my old flame can continue to flicker from afar. 

My Mourning Will Never End

Since my Mom died, I hardly cry unless it's related to her. Since my breakup,  I think I cried briefly once or twice and it wasn't a really deep cry or depth of despair kind of crying.

But tonight I miss my Mom something awful! Cried so hard my eyes burn!
I don't care, my Mom, I will NEVER stop missing her!

In other news, my daily dedication to walk 4-6 miles has paid off well! I am pleased. And I have a great time playing at several Deaf poker events the last few weeks. I came in 3rd last Saturday night W00t! That made me happy.

Life's Cruelest Irony

Sad but true

It’s strange. I felt less lonely when I didn’t know you. —Jean-Paul Sartre

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. ―Anaïs Nin

Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony. ― Douglas Coupland

I miss being in a relationship way more than I miss my ex. I miss having someone who in many ways serves as a best friend, family, lover etc etc. I miss the affection, the sex, being able to express my love for that special someone. Or to kvetch to, relate to, share my life with, my dreams and ambition and goals.
I miss love and that's probably why it's hard for me to let go when I'm in a relationship. The fear of being lonely or alone has haunted me all my life. Partly due to the way I grew up being bullied and tormented. I used to think it was because I am Deaf but in reality it was due to my ADD and sensitivity. Somehow my mind still struggles to acknowledge that that is an old fear and certainly isn't true anymore. I'm not alone, I'm hardly ever alone. There are so many people who if I made more time for would be more active in my life on a regular basis. And the ones I see regularly keep in touch a lot as it is. I feel overwhelmed sometimes by people in general.

This summer one of my goals is to work on letting go of old, useless train of thoughts and replace them with more realistic, up to date facts. Easier said than done. Nonetheless I am determined!

In other news, this cutie I met back in early February who made it clear from the moment I met him, that he digs me a lot. I was of course flattered, he's hot but 29! I admired the fact that he works full-time and is still going to school. Moved here from Columbia. So he's fluent in Spanish, English and ASL. Now that I'm single again, I sent him a FB friend request as we had originally exchanged text numbers. However I thought better to contact him through FB, more neutral than text. I am not looking for anything serious, a little fun over the summer be nice. After all I'm single not a saint!  😁😘😎

Grey's Anatomy

Wow! Just wow with the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy. Been a long time fan!

Earlier tonight my uncle treated my grandmother, me and his family to the Olive Garden. It was a nice dinner. My nephews are really nice guys. I'm looking forward to getting to know them more over the summer!

On the flip side. Mother's day has arrived and it mostly serves as a painful reminder of my Mom not being here. I do ANYTHING to be with her again. I miss her so much! I have cried some today because of that, compounded with not feeling well and I am still in small ways processing the breakup. Not a whole lot but here and there. I see it more like a chapter that I am ready to move on from!

It's nice having lost 15 lbs over the last few months, been getting a lot of compliments and of course NYC men, they are blatant in how they check you out etc which is always a nice ego boost 😊😎 nonetheless I find myself guilty when I do not meet my daily fitness goals. I never take a day off unless I'm really sick or unwell with my usual maladies etc., etc... It works better if I just do it every day, commit 100%. But the days I don't meet my goals bothers me. It's a struggle to find a happy medium.

Jeopardy's Final Answer

The rain to the wind said, ‘You push and I’ll pelt.’ They so smote the garden bed that the flowers actually knelt, and lay lodged–though not dead. I know how the flowers felt. -Robert Frost

I knew my Mom would be so pleased that I knew the Final Answer on Jeopardy earlier this week which was "Who was Frost?"

I love quotes and poetry as they have a wonderful quality to pinpoint and relate to with whatever you're going through. Words add eloquence to the shared human experiences. 

Found some tonight about how I'm feeling at this time.

You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. – Elizabeth Taylor

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. -Salvador Dali

I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it. -Sylvia Plath