There Are No Do-Overs

The 1 year passing of my Mom's death is fast approaching. After I became functional again a few months ago, I spend a lot of time revisiting the past. I truly start to understand you don't get do overs. Not that I'm living in a sea of regrets, some sure but others are more about reviewing in a sense reliving and appreciating my past memories especially of my Mom. It's true if you live long enough, you start to yearn for the past the way life was. The simpler times as they say. And it is humbling and it sucky simultaneously.
I still cry pretty much everyday but for a brief while I would cry every 2 to 3 days. I know partly it's due to the costant triggers of being in my hometown and having  millions of memories of where my Mom and I went, what we did etc etc.. I greive a lot when I'm alone or at night.
Work will give me relief soon but not till after September 13th or near then. But even so my heart is still broken. I am in no rush to to be okay that she died because I'm not okay. My Mom was a gift to me, I'm so glad she didn't give me up for adoption.
I miss you and love you to pieces Mom! (in case there is an afterlife with internet and you're reading this!)

Beyond Here There Be Dragons

I used to not really be afraid of life until my Mom died then EVERYTHING changed.
The last few months I've actually had 2 panic attacks. Once before a conference in Tampa, Florida last February. It happened the day of the trip. I was stressing so hard about getting there and I had never acted that way before a trip out of town. I am usually super excited about the trip.
Then in the spring moving out of the Bronx back to Manhattan was as for most people stressful but I would find myself overreacting to things that wasn't like me at all! I am not sure if they're panic attacks but now whenever I am traveling esp the day that I'm traveling,  I get really wound up and on edge.
The title of the post is a very old saying
HC SVNT DRACONES" (i.e. hic sunt dracones, 'here are dragons') from Wikipedia. Baba is fond of that phrase. I guess in a way Mom's death took away the last innocence for life and adventure. Don't get me wrong, I'm pumped about my trip to Detroit later this summer and see my old friend and meet my "nephew" face to face for the 1st time.
Overall life is more in Technicolor than grayscale, these last few months I feel like I'm coming back to life. The shock and heartbreak of losing my Mom quickly just sent my world spinning out of orbit. I was shattered and I still had to do a lot of "adulting" such as work, clearing out my Mom's place, dealing with all the holidays without her, then moving out of my place just took a toll on me.  In effort to self soothe I've gained a total of 20 lbs ugh! I was feeling like a whale by April. But then I said I had had enough! And started out by walking all over the city for several miles each day. Then in May I started using the gym specifically the treadmills and stationary bike. I am happy to say I've lost the first 10 lbs, still have 10 more to go. I also started adding free weights and using the nu -step machine. I try to get my heart rate to 140 or higher using these machines. I do have a lot of physical restrictions so I am sticking to low impact exercises. I am proud of myself for getting this far in only 2 months. I also credit my almost daily (I think I've missed 2 or 3xs) since April eating a LARGE salad with only apple cider vinegar and olive oil or rare occasion lemon juice which goes well with salads that have berries on it, yum yum. I've given up on pork over a year ago, will eat turkey bacon but it has to be good quality, not the cheap stuff. But my weakness is sweets late at night which I know now is due to my efforts to self soothe.  I've cut way back on it but there's still some nights I can't stop eating! Usually I notice this happens when I'm craving chocolate but there isn't any. So ill keep trying to satisfy that craving with all this other food that's not chocolate and doesn't satisfy me. Now I am sure to keep chocolate on hand and that seems to do the job.
And God bless my boyfriend, he never once made me feel fat or unattractive when I was at my worst! I did get to the point where I didn't want to be naked in front of him and I'm happy to report thats not the issue now. Not that it ever affected our sex life. I LOVE my Sexy German always!
I saw a great quote about exercise that I use as a mantra sometimes when I want to give up working out before the timer is done on the machine sweat is just fat crying I also remind myself if my Mom can lose 100 lbs on her own in 3 years I can lose the 20 lbs I've gained. I'm doing this for you Mom!

Shabbat Shalom to Mothers Everywhere!

Earlier today on the 4 train (I live in NYC) I saw an older lady with two other women,  so I offered my seat as the train was crowded. She politely declined. One of the ladies thanked me,  so then I asked if that was their Mom? She said yes and it just brought out the tears and I explained my Mom hadn't died too long ago.  They were so sweet, gave me a napkin and when the seat freed up.  The Mother sat next to me and her daughters in front of us. I  showed them my Mom's picture they remarked how pretty she was! When they got off the train the one daughter said God Bless you,  and I said to you too, she said God is with your Mom <3

As Mad As A Hatter

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.– Alice [from Wonderland]

Big changes on the nearby horizon. However my patience threshold these last few weeks has been crap. Looking forward to moving pass this literally. Goodbye the Bronx, hello Manhattan!

From a post on FB

I wish.......
That I could phone Heaven, just once even, and ask my mum if she is ok and happy. I’d tell her how much I love her and that I miss her. I’ll tell her I wish I’d hugged her more and spent more time with her. I’d ask her about all the questions I have, that are unanswered.
She’d tell me that she’s with my dad and my grandparents and they are all very happy. She’d tell me it’s ok to clear the family home of all her things, that they don’t matter.
Shed tell me to be good so that I Can join them all one day soon.
Then I’d be ok.
That is EXACTLY how I feel with the exception of what family members be in the afterlife.
I am still here in a strange sort of monochrome existence. Work brings relief as always but I still struggle with being available socially for my program. I know it will only get better as time goes by.
For my Mom.  wherever she may be, I LOVE you Mom, I miss you so much, I do ANYTHING to have another one of our days together. I'm still heartbroken. How could I not be?

The Truth Is Like A Lion

I've come across a few quotes that I like;

The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.
-St. Augustine of Hippo

If I had a single flower
for every time I think about you,
I could walk forever in my garden
-Claudia Ghandi

You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.
-Alan W. Watts

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness,
but of power.
They speak more eloquently
than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers
of overwhelming grief
and unspeakable love.
-Washington Irving

The Sunshine State

I had such a good time these last 2 days and met so many cool folks here at the ASL professional development conference in Tampa, Florida!
I'll admit I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, it's been hard for me since my Mom passed away 5 months ago.
I'm still grief stricken but at the same time maybe I've turned a corner too?
I just need time. It's hard to learn to live your life without your biggest fan and support system. I loved my Mom so much I couldn't imagine a better one than mine. Her absence has devastated me so I'm still picking up the pieces.
This weekend, the conference, the wonderful people I got to meet or see old faces, all the information I learned and so forth in a way is helping me put those pieces back together again.
I'm glad I took a chance and went outside my comfort zone. And I look forward to attending the next ASL professional development conference in the Fall of 2018!

Life Asked Death...

Life asked death, “why do people love me but hate you?”, death responded, “because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.” -author unknown

[This was posted Spring 2018]

It's been about 5 months since my Mom died and in many ways I'm still shell shocked by her sudden demise.
Last night the Olympics started and it was just another trigger, another figurative nail in the coffin that my Mom is dead.  And I won't ever get to watch the Olympics with her again.  Baba's been having a go of it with losing Mom too. It is almost like a delayed reaction to Mom's death and I'm doing the best that I can to be a source of comfort to her. No one in their 90s should have to deal with such a loss. The only comfort we both take is she doesn't have to live with this knowledge much longer where as I (if I'm lucky enough healthwise) to live another 40 or 50 years without my Mom.
I miss her terribly, not a day goes by that I don't think of her. And most days I still cry because how could I not? She was my Mom and such a force of life. Losing her has been the most painful thing that's ever happened to me.
But slowly I'm coming back to semblance of vivacity. I'm still very anti social and being in chronic pain doesn't help. 
On Valentine's day this year, much to my Sweetheart chagrin and protest I'm off to Florida for work. I'm kind of looking forward to the trip. And I'm kind of dreading it too. I'm in no mood to make small talk with numerous people I don't know and probably never see again.
And I'm concerned that with the chronic pain I've been in and staying with a friend of a friend that I will be at the mercy of other people's schedule. Which is something I hate as well.
Nonetheless the change of scenery from the city and my home town will be a welcome respite.
In other news, work is going really well. I am pleased to have several teachers such as myself who constantly want to upgrade their craft and knowledge of the language as well as teaching methods and course content. I have always been a fan of collaboration.  Be it at work, or when I would film a short movie or at a Deaf camp of sorts. Two or more heads always better than one.
I am also making more of an effort to receive professional development training via 1 on 1 instruction. What I've been doing is looking at workshops available at my school and then contacting whoever is in charge of giving said workshop. Recently I took "Creative PowerPoint" which was really handy for my lesson plans. I'm also looking into more administrative training as well.
I used to say I was lucky to have the job that I do. I don't say that anymore because it wasn't luck, it was the hard work and dedication I've given to my job for the last 10 plus years! I'm learning as time goes by not to underestimate myself. I am a damn good teacher and program coordinator, I was a wonderful daughter to my Mom, I am loving and kind to my family and friends and my Sexy German too.

At Last It's Past

Got through the holidays as well as expected. Spent New Year's Day putting Mom's ashes in small keepsakes vials.

I'm still here but MIA socially. Many friends check in on me but since my Mom died,  I only talk to 5 people outside of work regularly. I just am too drained by the grief and chronic pain I'm in due to various maladies. 

On the flip side work has gotten better, I'm still not overly interactive with my colleagues. But I am doing my administrative duties quite well and my classes ended on a great note for the Fall semester. My first week of classes for the Spring semester was easy enough too.

Baba shared with me this quote that I immediately liked "Do not suppress your tears for they wash away grief" from the Victorian times where death among young people was everywhere.

Hoping 2018 is a better year all around!!

My Ambition And Grief Do Not Mix

It's been a rough go at work this school year. Before Mom got sick so suddenly I was ready to take my program to the next level. With having attended that 5 day conference in Salt Lake City, it lit a fire in me. I had plans,  I was ready to conquer! And be more accessible with my large number of instructors.

But death came and took it all away.

Now I am anti social,  still give 100% in my teaching and lesson plans. But most of my program coordinator responsibilities are on hold. I am involved in a few small work related projects so I'm not slacking off. But the truth of the matter is,  I am bereft and will be for a while.  And teaching primarily right now is about all that I can handle. I'm fortunate my boss is the BEST! A week ago before Thanksgiving I tried to reassure her that spring semester I'd be better [at my job] but she shook her head no.  Said it will be a long time before I'm okay. She's right.

Still I struggle with feeling guilty for not doing a "better" job. But there's no reason for me to feel this way. I'm well within norms to not be who I was before my Mom died. I continue to work on this, why my faulty thinking won't allow me to cut myself a break?

Nonetheless I'm very proud of myself for working my way up and being driven and dedicated to my career.  I know my Mom was too! The Saturday afternoon she was in the ER with my uncle D... she met a technician there.  So two nights later Monday when I called 911, and we were in the ER, the same technician was there again. My Mom wasn't in her right mind when he came in but he remembered her.  Then asked me if I was J...? a college professor? etc etc... he told me how proud my Mom was of me and talked up a storm about me <3

Maybe if I try to remind myself,  a year from now it will all be different. Perhaps that will alleviate some of my self criticism? Only time will tell.

"I still love you the best" ALWAYS

This year's Thanksgiving was a quiet one without my Mom.  She kept the conversations going. I still miss her that it aches.

She used to end her emails with "I still love you the best" the story goes somewhere in my childhood while my Mom was mothering one of my friends. And in my mind I thought she liked [loved] them more than me.  So after I asked her one day about that,  she replied "I will always love you the best!"

And for many years in fact decades she often ended her emails that way.

This Tuesday will be 11 weeks,  but I lost her 13 weeks ago. The night I had to call 911 marked the beginning of the end. And despite a short conscious period,  she was never 100% herself.  One day she be overly accommodating saying she do whatever she needed to get better again. Then the next day she be uncooperative to the nursing staff.  I don't blame her! She suffered a lot at their hands. Not that I fault them, well I kind of do! Specifically the nurses on the 4th floor really fucked up. But the ICU nurses were great.

I'm glad, thankful (pun intended) that Thanksgiving is over. The 2nd of many firsts for the next year...I hate it. And so it goes

10,000 Miles

By Mary Chapin Carpenter

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10, 000 miles

10, 000 miles
My own true love
10, 000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

Tuesdays And I Aren't Friends Anymore

Today marks 9 weeks since my Mom died. Tuesdays and I aren't friends anymore.
I have only been talking to a few close friends and family. I have a lot of friends especially a few who also lost their Moms. But as much as I want to reach out to them,  it seems like too much effort. I was never one with boundless energy but since my Mom died, my fatigue level is amplified. Social interaction on a superficial level or for long periods of time isn't ideal for me these days. It just seems harder and harder to not become further withdrawn and antisocial. Often I just want to be left alone from 95% of the people I come across. This isn't like me normally.

Growing Pains

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

– Kim McMillen

Staying Present

Someone wrote about their response to grief "I have to stay in the present time or I can't hold it together"
That about sums it up. Tonight makes it 6 weeks since Mom died. Right about this hour I was asked if I wanted to maintain DNR for her? And after learning all the facts and seeing her rapid decline within that hour and a half after I arrived at 8pm, I said yes maintain DNR.
They turned off all the machines and monitors 2 hrs from now at 11:30pm, at 11:40pm, she died.
Every Tuesday since then has been the worst day of every week. 
I miss her so much

Deconstructing Mom's Place

It's been hard slowly deconstructing my Mother's home. On the one hand every time a family or friend takes one of Mom's things I feel good they're taking a little of Mom home with them. However, it's bittersweet to see my Mom's home becoming less and less hers. With each picture I take off the wall or small piece of furniture is out of place, it hurts. I do it in small weekly dosages. Every Saturday afternoon I'm here. I have 2 to 3 weekends left to finish with it all. It will be hard to say goodbye to a home I've been coming to for almost 14 years! Just 1 year longer than I in NYC.
Oh well as Mom would say "J....  it is what it is"

Grief update

I managed to get back to sleep this morning for a few hours...
This coming Tuesday will be 4 weeks since Mom died.  I have been extremely antisocial at work last week and know I'll be so again this week. I don't want to be bothered by anything beyond my job.  I don't want to deal with the co workers and all the extra stuff that I do.
I find my mind to be like a broken record especially when I'm alone or sleeping my mind plays endless loops of Mom. I try to think of other things but to no avail. The crying spells comes and goes. I don't mind,  I'm not going to try to bury my grief, only live thru it.
My Mom's cat Callie is now mine. It makes me happy that Mom knows her cat is with me and will be taken care of for the rest of her kitty life.
I also feel tired and achy all the time. With the dark winter months ahead, I'm worried I'll fall into a major depressive episode.
I'm not sure why I wrote all this but I needed to vent.

The Logistics of Death

I have this month of October to go through Mom's things and what to put into storage etc etc..

I got a lot done at Mom's place yesterday with her kitchen and bathroom. Plus my childhood best friend Paula along with Uncle David made the afternoon bearable. It's so hard to be in her home and she's not there. And painful to slowly deconstruct her home. She lived there for almost 14 years! This was one of my homes and I know with each passing weekend,  I will have to say goodbye to my Mom's place.

Sitting on my Mom's couch yesterday made me ache for her presence so much. We spent many moments in her living room talking, eating, watching tv or movies.  I miss her so much.

Woke up at 5:15am with thoughts of Mom.. Hope to get back to sleep some in a while.

I am also ashamed that I never knew the depth of my love for my Mom until she was gone.

Parent loss grief support

On FB I've joined a support group for those who have lost a parent and it's so helpful. And sad to read other people's heartbreaks.
One woman lost her father and gave him CPR for 20 minutes but he still died last Feb and she feels alone and guilty.
I wrote this as my reply
"My Mom died 2 weeks ago and I was with her at the end. There's a quote that sums up how we feel "if love could have saved you, you would've lived forever" so know we are but fragile and insignificant human beings, mortally flawed but our hearts knows no bounds. Someone wrote the day after my Mom died "grief is love with no where else to go" so know that yours and my grief is just like our hearts with no limits. May you find some comfort with your friends and love ones and vent here anytime. Gentle hugs"
I've been gliding video msgs with friends and am blessed with a great job and co worker support system. Being in this FB grief support group helps me to realize that I am not alone with my grief. And that compared to some who have no one, I am lucky to have so many friends and family that loves me and keeps me from falling to my knees and giving up.

I'm still here, kind of...

Yesterday marks 2 weeks since my Mom died and I'm still struggling so much. All of these memories come rushing back to me and EVERYTHING is a huge effort. I'm dreading going back to work next Monday and dealing with so many people. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. But instead I wake up in random intervals to memories of Mom and my heart keeps breaking off into little shards that cut my soul and spirit. Life without her seems unbearable.
Baba, my 91 year old grandmother, my Mom's mom has been a great source of comfort to me and I to her.
Yet all I do lately is overeat, cry. watch the show "6 feet under" and try to pass the hours so I can go back to sleep.
I try to be comforted by my cat Rosie Nova and my Mom's cat Callie Maui Wowie, who's now mine. But all the joy is no where to be found. I can't get over the future and all the plans we still had and how it's all GONE and I'll never see her again.

"Alive or just breathing?"

Saw the quote In used for the title of my post today. I'm here but not really,  my mind is like a broken record that screams to me in random intervals, Mom is DEAD.

There will be no more specially made birthday cakes, or favorite meals prepared just for me. No more lunches out together, or playing Skipbo or Acey Deucey. No one to watch rom-coms Netflix DVDs or Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy in which Mom knew 85% or more of the answers to. No more corny jokes she heard at the doctor's office or list of errands for me to drive Mom around to. No more holding her hand when there was a big step up or down somewhere, or buying the same pairs of shoes at Payless or cat treats at Wal-Mart for Mom's "spoiled brat" at home,  her ever "demanding royalty" kitty Callie. No more bringing Mom hot honey balls from the Greek bazaar in November or Passover dinner in the spring with Baba and uncle David. No one to sing songs with in the car or make rude remarks about idiot drivers waiting for "a hand engraved invitation" or someone "taking their car for a walk." Or pulling into a great parking spot and remarking "it's the Perlis' luck!" We always get good spots. No more recited recipes or beautifully spoken poetry or Shakespeare. No more sweet smiles and hearing her say "I love you the best" or "I love you to pieces" just a lot of no mores in my future and I'm having a terrible time feeling alive anymore. I'm not suicidal but I'm here kind of.

I'm dreading going back to work next week. My job requires a lot of communications with numerous people and I just don't have any thoughts left to give. I want to be left alone and only feel okay with my family and close friends and I feel like the laws of gravity changed, EVERYTHING is an effort. Both Baba and I  are both deep in mourning. My Mom passed away 3 weeks ago tmw, the memorial service was on Saturday 2 days ago and I'm still an empty shell of who I used to be.

Mom's Memorial

My Mom's Memorial turned out beautifully. And all the people that mattered and cared about her came yesterday. It was a bittersweet gathering and I was honored to be able to give my Mother a proper farewell.
But my heart doesn't know how to say goodbye, only knows the ache of her absence has left me. My mind jumps through decades of memories of my Mom, my childhood and all the wonderful years we had together. I know eventually the pain will subside but not anytime soon nor should it.

Unicorns carousels

In less than 12 hrs, I'll be in the middle of my Mother's Memorial Service. I have recently did the last photo of MANY for her Memory board.

My mind in many ways still cannot process a life without Mom in it. When it finally does, I'm more depressed than before.

I miss my Mom so much! I love how the few knick knacks that she did have are unicorns, 3 of them are carousels with unicorns. Too sweet, that's my Mom <3

Autopiloting Through Life

Soon to meet with my Aunt Nancy to make my Mom's memory board for tmw's Memorial Service.
I take it 1 hr at a time.  I have periods of normalcy that sometimes dissolves into a hot pile of tears and other times it's a stiffled or doesn't quite reach the service almost cry or I think of it more like a dry cry.
My focus is still shit, can barely sit thru a tv show or movie, with the exception of Star Trek TNG or Voyager. Both Baba and I watch those and we've started to watch Six Feet Under.
I go thru a lot of motions and often to my surprise I finished whatever I've started, didn't even know it.  A lot of "autopiloting" in my life right now.
I also spend vast amounts of time just thinking about and remembering what a great Mom I had.  How sorry I am she's not here, how much I loved her and miss her smiles and voice. I mourn for the future memories that we were cheated of. 

Day 5 of life without Mom

Today is day 5, sleep still mostly rosters eludes me. Waking up is so damn hard. Knowing today is another day without my Mom. And then I can't breathe, the hot tears rolling down and I just lie in bed, what else can I do? You can't go around grief only thru it. I really hate waking up!

Yesterday I changed my profile pic to my Mom and was so pleased how many people told me she's beautiful.  She spent most of my life feeling unattractive. You see my Mom had a very hard life, she had a bad accident before I was born that left her with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and overcame many obstacles was successful in her life. And she was beautiful both on the outside and within.

My Mom loved me to pieces

Someone on a FB grief support group wrote
"Grief is love with no where to go"
Sleep still eludes me most nights. I've been awake since 530am, Baba since 6am. She's gotten more sleep than I but then again she's more than twice my age. I can't imagine being 91 years old and losing my daughter who was 1 day shy of turning 65. Watching my Mom take her last breath has haunted Baba since. She remarked everytime she closes her eyes that's all she sees. Seeing Mom die doesn't haunt me just her being dead and never getting to see her smile again and tell me she still loves me the best does.

I've asked everyone that if they still have parents or caregivers to be sure to hug them and tell them you love them. It is a privilege to be able to do so.

The last few days

The mornings are still really bad for me. It feels like I can't breathe.

I dread going to her apartment to go thru her things.

I can't be alone much and seek solace with my family in real life and my friends via video msgs, texts and emails.

I am insanely jealous of people who's Moms are still here and I hope they know not to take their mothers for granted.

I don't even want to feel better,  in doing so, it makes me feel like I would be trivializing the impact and the large hole in my heart, in my world.

Fire and Rain

There's a song by James Taylor called Fire and Rain

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"

Baba mentioned this song to me a few times since Mom passed and it brings tears to my eyes.

The grief and devastation comes in waves. I don't how to live without my kind, sweet Mother here. The joy in my life is gone for now and I doubt it will be back anytime soon.

Today my mother's obituary will show up in the paper. My Mom is dead, this isn't just some horrible dream that I can rouse myself awake. This is far worst,  this is my new reality. My sunshine is gone.

Humpty Dumpty

Death has a way of making everything much more clear. I know what's important and what's bullshit and I don't have time for the latter.
Losing my Mother 2 days ago has left me devastated. We still had so much left to say, do and look forward to. It's agony at times to be awake. Yet sleep eludes me,  the one thing that helps me escape the pain and I'm struggling as always with sleep.
No good comes from losing a parent you loved so much,  especially when they're one of your most favorite people in the whole wide world.
Baba helped me write Mom's obituary yesterday, what a horrid thing to have to do!
I loved my Mom so much, I loved her more than the moon and stars, I loved her from near and far. She was my Mom and I miss her terribly. I feel like Humpty Dumpty today

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Popularity is overrated

In the last 6 months to 1 year I've learned who my TRUE friends are. And sadly some I thought were my real friends were really just users or negative vampires or attention whores. I feel despondent that loyalty counts for nothing these days. That some people are perfectly content to take and take and take.  There must be a reasonable balance when it comes to friendships. I'm just not seeing that much lately.
I know I've changed a lot in terms of being less of a people pleaser and more about standing up for myself. And perhaps that makes me less popular than before.  But that's okay. Popularity is overrated.
Out with the old and on with the new as they say...

Work does my soul good

Work was great today,  I love my job I'm exhausted but it's the good kind. That is all.

Dealing with the U Bend of Life

Its a known fact I am a HSP. a highly sensitive person. I react to other people's energy and internalize it as somehow it being my fault when that person who I like or care about is unhappy. I have this innate drive to make others happy and I totally end up making myself unhappy.

Now toss in the U Bend of Life that shows people are most unhappiest in their 40s to mid 50s and I clearly am on par with my peers.

So yesterday when we woke up, now that I look back there were signs the day wasn't going to be a good one but me being me, I can shrug off minor things and enjoy my day. My sweetie however cannot. When something bothers him like so many of the guys I know, they get consumed by it. My one ex was so miserable all the time, it made me miserable and act out in ways that I am still ashamed of today. It is a relief that even though yesterday wasn't one for the books for my sweetie and I am no where as bad off as I was 7 years ago.

I am really glad I have work tomorrow, my job is such a sense of satisfaction and it keeps me content on days like today or for the last few weeks since Feb 15th! In some ways I feel guilty that my personal life is somehow affecting my professional life but it really isn't. Just screwy thinking that I am working on reprogramming my thinking process on that!

Actually my life has pretty much sucked non stop since after Thanksgiving with my cat dying and I was finally coming out of that haze to have the set back of the car accident and the robbery so in a sense 4 months of a crappy existent. With small moments of happiness here and there. Like my last visit before Feb 15th was such a good one. And being with Mama Racoon and her son or spending time with Blondie and her gang. My family and friends have been wonderful to me. My sweetie too, he really came through for me when Bastard Kitty died.

I don't want my blog to be all doom and gloom there are some good things happening for me.

For one, since Baba is 90 now and doesn't drive anymore she gave me her old car. That means the money I got for the car I wrecked is in my savings account and I could actually if I keep at it with the money that's already there maybe in a few years be able to put a down payment on a house or condo or the likes. Not co-ops though! But anyways eventually I want a place to call my own. I just don't want to live alone that's all. I have decided that for me and my well being living alone isn't good for someone like me and having a history of depression. I feel better when I have people around. Anyways that's not the point the point is, I actually have a feasible shot at having a home of my own.

And secondly I am orchestrating a workshop for my colleagues and am joining a faculty professional development training that I am excited about. Professionally my life is really looking up. I am grateful for that.

Thirdly I will see my friends in the South this July. Granted I should be flying home today from my spring break there but its just a postponement not a cancellation. I just wish I had more enthusiasm for it then I do. Its not the friends its ME.

Blah blah blah

Lately life has thrown me one too many curve balls ugh. My beloved cat Tom died the day before New Year's Eve. Then last Sunday night my apartment robbed because of my roommate's carelessness. Then the very next day in less than 12 hrs after being robbed,  I wrecked my car on the way to work. Yippee 2016 is just banging them out,  literally. I'm not sure why I've had such a string of bad luck but here I am,  the star of my very own pity party.
Plus I'm mighty sore from the accident itself.  My poor car! I loved my car.  It's totaled and now I'll get a new one eventually. Feeling really stressed because I had plan to go out of town for spring break but with all this bad mojo I'm reconsidering. I'm not sure if I could enjoy myself if the car situation isn't resolved. I dunno,  but the universe keeps knocking me down.  I still get back up again. Just gotta keep moving forward.
Everyone keeps reminding me that I'm irreplaceable but cars and things can be replaced. Somehow it doesn't really comfort me,  in my mind logically I know they're right but I'm still pissed at myself for destroying my car that I worked hard to take care of.  It was a great little car.
And what the theives stole is just outrageous! They stole,  my TV,  roku, ipad, VP (video phone), Wii, my bedding, towels, pillows,  my weight scale, toilet paper, toilet paper roll holder, my soap,  my soapdish, a decorative bag, my roll of carpet, a cute bat alarm clock, forks, spoons, sharp knives, box of q tips, bath mat and more. I keep discovering new items missing everyday. I'm really ticked because I told my roommate many times not to leave the fucking door unlocked! We live in NYC,  the Bronxs for crying out loud! They've already replaced my TV and roku and will buy a new blanket today. As I've been using their's since all 3 blankets gone!
Yeah not in the best of spirits. I am however grateful the amount I'm getting for the car,  it's more than enough to find a new (used) car that I like and want.
So now that the "bad things happen in threes" it ought to be smooth sailing from here on out.  After all, this is as bad as it can get, no where left to go but up.

A lot of 'splainin to do'

I haven't posted in a while partly because I was hiding from one of my exes who I know follows along. When things were at the worst 2 years ago I contemplated on making this private but I didn't as this blog was never really about him but me. Recently I decided I might as well blog because he will always follow me. How can he not? Human curiosity is a hard thing to suppress. And we were a part of one another lives for about 8 years. Just seems for some reason when we're together we're a toxic combination. Our ideologies were just too vast. However I think our feelings were real and in some ways we did have fun. It just sucks no matter how much you care or love someone else, you can't make a healthy relationship when your point of views were usually at opposing ends. Over the years some of those views have since changed but its too late on both our parts. Its weird having 2 very long term exes out and about in the world.
The other one just had his 6th kid! I must say it is kind of a slap in the face as partly why he broke up with me is he didn't want to get married or have kids. Then he knocks up the very next attentive whore shortly after they started to date and eventually married her and she gave birth to her kid about the same time I am having endometriosis laparoscopy to remove some cysts and severe adhesion disease. Its been a week and a half and the recovery at times brutal! I was very distressed to learn that I have severe endometriosis and I am NOT interested in hormone therapy/medications as a way to control the pain associated with this. But that's a post for another day, back to the issue of kids....
I knew I never wanted kids with the 2nd long term ex simply because he wouldn't be a good father and frankly that's okay.
When people ask me if I wanted children or not my answer has always been the same, it really depended on who I was with. I can go either way, be a mom or not. I don't have a pressing burning desire to have kids but I know I would've loved being a mom too. I just also knew if I had kids, I needed to be able to afford them and even now I can't. And to those out there who say, have the kids, the money will turn up are complete and irresponsible assholes who create more taxes for me! Plus I was very disciplined when it came to my relationships and birth control of some kind. I never wanted to get accidentally knocked up no siree! Now that I know I am not going to have kids its sucks knowing the choice has been taken away from me because even if I wanted them, it would be nearly impossible to have them at this point. Not having the choice sent me into a little woe is me mode near the end of last week. Its one thing when I actively made sure I didn't have kids but having been informed it would be impossible to have kids now (the odds were already extremely low) still sort of smarts along with the ex having his 6th kid around the same time as my surgery, sucky timing. In the long run, I am happy for him, he is with a woman who follows him blindly and clearly enjoys being bare footed and preggars. Me I am with someone who already has kids and I just met his 18 year old son recently and it was mind blowing experience for me. Knowing my boyfriend since he was younger than his son and now seeing him in a father role just wow!
And I try to remember that I have been blessed to grow up knowing I had a choice on whether to have kids or not. I had several role models who didn't have kids, my deaf aunt Lee, my neighbor Regina, and even one of my uncle, the one who doesn't like me doesn't have kids. I know people can be happy and content without children as long as you have family and friends.

Pushing forward

It seems lately I can't catch a break when it comes to my body. Several colds, having a period, raging headaches with nausea, the dry heaters aggravate my sinuses, along with insomnia and now my fibro pain is acting up. All the while I'm doing my best to honor my commitments, work, the book, relationships and so forth. But it's hard, especially since I've been feeling sick or uncomfortable for weeks. Even King noticed I wasn't in good shape health wise when she saw me yesterday at the Harlem library. So for now I'm on lockdown to focus on getting well and staying well.

Killer day at work

Today was the first time I truly felt worthy of my new title at work. When I first started after the promotion I didn't have any support to make progress with the program. But now that we've hired a faculty member with a background in ASL, plus merging with another academic institution and this fall the students initiated the ASL Club, everything is falling into place. I worked my ass off today at work and it felt good. Now that I have my support system, I finally will fly!

But shhh...between me and you, I've been having a bad depressive episode the past two months. It was triggered by several things happening at once. Doesn't it always, "the shit hits the fan?" I am coping the best that I can. My friends have been great, but the solitude has been good too for reflection. My mother probably would digress that notion. Knowing I've always been on the melancholy side. Knowing I spend far too much time thinking. But mom I've gotten better at it, or at least I think I do?  Dysthymia depression runs in my family. Most of the time I'm good but sometimes I cave and have to take time to tend my psyche well being. Thank God Baba and I have one another, both of us suffer from this or the likes. It's helps to vent to one another.

My love life, wow I'm just too tired to go into that tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll post an update then?

Youthful Spirit

Tonight during my third date with Guy #3, the cutie paid me a wonderful compliment, he said I have a youthful spirit. It was a nice change of pace from the usual, you're so pretty, cute whatnot (he did tell me he thinks I am cute- which made me smile ear to ear) but the point being is, his remark was about my character. He also told me he could see that I was a good person and really care about other people. I liked that he looked beyond the superficial paid attention to my soul. I didn't reply back that I thought he was an old soul because I don't think he is, he is however a deep thinker and choses his time wisely on how and who he spends it with. I like that he is picky and clearly I am further along than other women he has dated in the past year and a half. Originally my first impression of him based on photos alone at the beginning of last August was that he was brooding type or moody. But I see now on our third date its a mixture of seriousness, shyness and reservations. It was nice how much he opened up tonight compared to the first two date. It was also great when he told me several times he likes me, thinks I am cute which as I type just makes me smile. We sure did smile a lot tonight. It was a nice change of smiling out of nerves to smiling out of enjoyment. Also he is easy to make laugh, I think sometimes he even surprised himself when he erupts in a laugh or two by some witty retort I dished out.

Some other perks that we bonded over was our love for astronomy and it turns out both of our favorite planet is Jupiter, that was really cool. I have never met anyone else who enjoyed astronomy or star gaze in a romantic fashion. I felt like we could actively share some similar interests such as camping, astronomy, day or weekend trips and so forth. We talked some of politics and while we both have somewhat similar beliefs, neither of us are gung ho, ranting and foaming at the mouth to talk politics. At one point he mentioned how I like to party and I said something to the effect of maybe you need a little more fun in your life and I need a little more of chill in mine? That's what a friend of mine told me the other night when I was feeling like maybe Guy #3 wasn't into me and showed him some of the most recent texts and he told me that Guy #3 seems easy going and I was like yeah and then my friend said "maybe you need more of that in your life" which stopped me in my track and yeah maybe I do? I kind of am looking for an anchor in some ways.

I was pleased too again based on my friend's suggestion because the last three dates have all been dinner which is great in a way but at the same time anyone who knows me will tell you I am an activity person. I thrive on DOing. Since coming back from Maine, I have been itching to paint. I went to groupon.com and found a one time painting class for two people later this month and bought it. During dinner as we ate salmon made at a place called French Roast I asked him what he was doing on the 18th, if he was free cuz you never know we are busy people, its NY after all. He asked me why so I just blurted out how I know he is an artist and skilled one at that, if he would want to take a painting class with me and gave him the details. I told him how he has been so generous with me I wanted to do something nice and treat him back, that day is on me. I am all for guys paying for dates but somehow it feels right to turn around and treat him for a change. I also let him pick one of the three ILY ASL pins that I bought earlier today at the Big Apple Deaf Expo down by south seaport. I think he appreciated it, even though its nothing he knows I was thinking of him. So now I have a fourth date for sure on the 18th (I got to call that studio tmw and get my rsvp for us because when I went to use the voucher online it didn't work). But maybe we will have a date next weekend before the 18th but if we don't I am not going to stress it out. I left tonight's date feeling surely things are unfolding well and honestly a a healthier pace than the last two real long term relationships I had where I dated both of my exes less than a month before we basically lived with each other. I can see neither of us are in a rush and that is fantastic. I did think it was funny where we discuss if things down the road did not lead to a love connection he would want to be friends and I was like I wouldn't. I told him frankly I got plenty of friends, I am looking for someone to be with my uno numero. That while he is a great guy he is, we were never friends and certainly not long term acquaintances. That from the git go this has been about whether we connect on a romantic level or not. If we don't then I would just go my separate ways. I think he was somewhat surprised by my honesty and firmness on that. I think its also good because I told him should he think things aren't going anywhere to just tell me, not string me along and he said he wouldn't knowing if he did tell me it wasn't working out. I would of course wish him well and go on with my life without maintaining a friendship with him. Apparently a lot of short term dating he has done with other women have resulted in lots of friendships but I am not going to be one of those consolation token friends. Nope. That's another thing he mentioned at one point earlier tonight how I can be somewhat 'black and white' and there are many shades of gray. He's right about that, I can be but it serves a purpose when you know what you will or won't put up with. I guess while it may come off as narrow minded, I kind of view it as boundaries and I dunno, if a guy isn't into me 100% then why is he even there?

All in all, I am starting to actually feel a little spark for the first time in ages. Sure I have had a lot of chemistry and fun the last few years but this is different. This is good :)

Hmm Guy #3

Yesterday I saw Guy #3 again for our second date. My attempts to do an activity over just sharing a meal failed. We met up at the Dumbo Art Fest. Thinking it might be the same event I attended a while back in a park somewhere in Brooklyn. But no, this was nestled by the water front and PACKed! It made the tourist scene at Times Square look like mere child's play. The cutie asked me to meet him by a carousel? So I waded through the mass with people constantly stopping dead front of me. Pure joy I tell you. Plus it was considerably warm and by the time I found the damn carousel I was sweating and red face. I could feel my cheeks were on fire and frankly it's embarrassing on a second date. This woman who left the Bronx looking cute and all ended up looking like a cherry tomato! Ay yi yi, since it was a mob scene with strollers about, it was clear to both of us we don't like that kind of crowds.
In a round about way we ended up in a nearby neighborhood that once again raised my body temp it was bad. I dunno what that cutie was thinking because he was no where as overheated as I. Did I look out of shape? Later in the date I eventually fessed up about how I had a sweat gland removed a while back and now my body over reacts when I'm too hot. And between you and me, I was also on day #2 of my period and proud of myself for not canceling the date entirely because of that. However I ended up with a raging headache that lasted well into today :(
Despite all of my physical discomfort in which I never complained about, he was aware of the headache but that's it. Anyways despite all that, I had a really nice time with him. He's certainly easy on the eyes and while he doesn't make me laugh, he is quick to laugh with me or at me when I'm funny which we all know is often. Especially when I'm in a good mood.
Now onto the nitty gritty break down of the date. I think at times we both were unsure of what to talk about? And I'm not the kind of woman who's uncomfortable with silence. In fact I think it's more than okay to be quiet and still be together. There was a lot of smiling and at the end of the date, a very sweet soft kiss that I really enjoyed before I turned away and headed to the A train :)
Guy #3 is very artistic, I was thoroughly impressed by the previous projects he had completed. Talented and clearly very patient. I also liked that he didn't have just one focus, some of the works I saw involved metals, others wood and so forth. I showed him one of my movies and he actually got the ending! :) I found out that he's very fluent in quite a few languages, I believe 5 or so, Spanish, German, Portuguese, Italian (?), I think currently he's in the process of acquiring French. Very impressive! He asked me some questions about ASL, that was fun. I like that he's brainy and focused.
He was excited to learn that I enjoy camping. It turned out he has already camped in the same camp ground as Lake Canopus. I also learned that there are 4 seasons tents, at which I originally thought he meant as a brand name. Heh no he meant the tent can be used all around the year. I replied my tent is from Wal-Mart ;)
So what happens nexts? I don't know, I'm not going to get too excited or thinking it's even going to lead to anything serious but for now it's nice to have gone out with a decent guy and actually enjoyed myself.

23 more to go

What a week! Baba was in the hospital, unknown to me till after she got back home. It seems her heart was ONLY beating 30xs per minute so they put in a heart pacemaker. Most folks heart rate is anywhere from 60-100xs per minute. The average person faints when their heart rate gets as low as 40xs per minute. Baba is uber strong! I really hope now that her heart is beating more regularly that the quality of life improves for her? If yes then this incident was a blessing in disguise.

Onto other news;
All 4 guys I was dating, I'm only in touch with one now. Guy #1 with the fraternal sister accepted my offer to be friends. He kind of sensed I wasn't into him like he was with me.
Guy #2 didn't accept my friendship which is fine because we had almost nothing in common.
Guy #3 I'm not sure if we will date again? His and my schedule keeps clashing. That's alright because he was a bit uptight for me. And he wasn't funny at all and when I asked if he likes comedies, he said no. Huh no to comedies?
Guy #4 was only after one thing and I wasn't looking for casual sex but to date so I sent him packing. Too bad because the chemistry was off the chart!

Now I'm actually talking to 3 different Deaf guys, two live locally, one lives in Wisconsin, so I don't think that will go anywhere but it's a nice change of pace. I'm also talking to a few guys online as well. So far this year I've been out with 7 different guys. No two alike. I was reading online about one woman who was over 40 and proactively dating said she dated 30 different guys in a 15 month span before she met her now husband. Hmm, 7 down, 23 more to go?

Have I turned into a Playa?

I never thought I would see the day where I ended up dating 4 different guys during the past few weeks. Three of them from online dating and one was someone I met in person. Two of them are older than me both 41 yrs old, two of them younger than me both 34 yrs old. Three of them have first names that start with the letter J, the fourth starts with an S. Two of them Caucasian, two of them Spanish/Latino. Three of them are taller than me, one of them is my height or close. One guy is big like a football player (reminds me of Teddy Bear), muscular, broad, yummy. One guy is somewhat chubby. One is average and the fourth is wiry, lean and cute! In terms of braininess, I find it refreshing that some of these guys are readers, and prefer independent films or documentaries but are they intellectual snobs? Elitist who may make me feel like I am too immature or unworldly to appreciate things as seriously or as highbrow as they do? I truly want any future romantic relationships I have to be with a man someone who's a reader but still knows how to cut loose and have fun.

And now recently for two of them (one 41 yr old and one 34 yr old) I just rejected via email. And here's why...and for the sake of separating the 4 guys I will give them #s.

Guy #1, age 34 born and raised in NYC, in the Bronx to be exact but lives LES, proud of his Irish roots and a very sweet and kind of quiet guy. Straight edge, goes to Mass on Sunday evenings, works FT, employed at UES (Museum) for the past 10 yrs. Has a twin sister, clearly fraternal, visits both his mom and sister regularly. Enjoys reading, has an antiquated view on technology and money conscious. We went out on 3 dates and he was a gentlemen and pleasant to be with. I just unfortunately not attracted to him, absolutely zero chemistry. I also didn't like some of his views or behaviors. I didn't like how he slouched, his lips were chapped all the time. He also seem to be in some ways hostile to children. While it was nice neither of us wants kids, I don't have a problem with children in general. I like most kids and extremely close to my nephew, Mama Raccoon's son who I see regularly and am a proud auntie. He really didn't want to be around kids and specifically goes to Mass on Sunday nights just because there aren't kids there and they don't drag the service as long when the kids aren't around. Then he added how it's good since "we both don't like children." That irked me. I was concerned too because he had no real social life and was happy to do most things by himself. I couldn't see how my social life would blend into his? I already detected he spends large amount of time alone and that's fine for him. He deserves someone like that, who's more of a loner, a partner in crime who would make him their social life and vice versa. Sometimes when I be in a lounge or a club somewhere and I look around and try to visualize Guy #1 there with me? It just wasn't going to happen. I need someone a little 'cooler.' I also felt bad because at the end of date #2, I leaned in and kiss Guy #1 peck on the cheek and went for a second peck and could hear him after each peck say "mwah!" which I thought was so cute. However at the end of third date I was still at the end of a bad cold so I still had short and random cough fits. Guy #1 leaned in to kiss me and I quickly turned so he only kissed my cheek and sprouted some bullsh*t about how I still had a cold and feel 'yucky' but wow, he still wanted to kiss me after I occasionally coughed and blew my nose. He even bought me a $25 gift card for Barnes and Nobles as a belated birthday gift. Damn damn damn why couldn't I like him back?!? He was even learning fingerspelling and ASL phrases for me!

Guy #2, age 41, divorced, has one son who's a sophomore in HS and one daughter who's a sophomore in college, as they're 4 years apart. Lives in JC, has an amicable relationship with his ex wife, sees his kids regularly, works FT, most of what he talks about are his kids (his social life) because during the weekends he is usually doing something with one of them, likes to hike and do day trips. Grew up in NJ about an hour or more south of the city. He liked me from the git go, after our first date as he was leaving and I stayed at a club, I walked him outside to say goodnight and give him a hug and possible peck but he tried to make out with me and I didn't stand for that, just pushed him back a little and said goodbye. I was flattered but too much too soon. Plus we never did anything, both times we met for dinner and then he came with me when I went to meet up with friends (mind you this was during my summer break, that's why I was going out so much, utilizing the last days of freedom). He too did not blend into the scenery with me. He remarked that he's a guy from the suburbs and a Dad and he is. However I am not looking for a Dad, I am looking for a guy who I won't come in second to with their kids. I think dating him as made me realize I should date men who don't have kids. I know that cuts or reduces my dating options but really why kid (pun intended) myself when I know I don't want to deal with the hassle of dating someone with kids. As I wrote before I like most children but I like them to be other people's children and not my partner's world. I also did not feel chemistry and was a little annoyed when the 2nd date he tried to "claim" me. This is something I really don't like whenever I am out dancing is when a guy tries to "claim" me in front of the rest of the dancers. Such as putting their arms around me, or standing so close by in my personal space or trying to force me to dance with them by grabbing my hands etc etc.. Guy #2 was only guilty of coming from behind me and wrapping his arm around me and planting a kiss on my cheek. Ugh I hate being hugged from behind, I always have. And the only reason he kissed my cheek is I moved so he couldn't kiss me on the lips. As a matter of fact I kept excusing myself to take photos or short videos as to kind of separate myself. Again for our second date he left before I did because he had to work the next morning and also was taking his daughter to her orthodontist appointment to possibly get braces. Guy #2 tried to kiss me more than a peck and I moved away and sprinted back to my friends dancing. We were suppose to meet up last Wed but I gave him an excuse about it being the first day of work and all. I didn't see the point in going on a third date with Guy #2. I also had trouble understanding him sometimes, apparently he has a NJ accent? But whenever I asked him to use his phone to type of the words or whatever he didn't would either repeat or skip it. No thank you, I want a guy who at least meets me 1/2 way when it comes to communicating.

As a matter of fact I was starting to feel guilty about both Guy #1 and Guy #2 for leading them one when I am not interested. Not that I ever meant to lead either guys on. Still I was doing the 'fade away' route which is reprehensible and that's not who I am. And I owe it to both of these nice guys, ironically both whities that I only see them as friends. In a perfect world I would have told them in person but by doing so I would be agreeing to another 'date' and I certainly didn't want to meet up with either of them to turn them down face to face. I know even a phone call would be okay to turn them down for future dates but I am Deaf. Using relay to call them would be wrong on so many levels and certainly cold. In the end I decided to send both of them an email stating how much I appreciated the time we spent together and that I wasn't feeling the spark they both deserve when dating someone. It was clear I didn't see a long term future with either of them. But out of both of them, I would very much like to stay friends with Guy #1, he enjoys doing things like the museum and going to the movies. He is an 'activity' person which I dig and he likes the same music I did from back in the 90s, 2000s, and while I think its a little weird how much time he spends alone, I also admire that trait as well. I can do many things by myself but going to events or to the movies no, I want to share that experience with someone else. He does too, he remarked only recently did he start to want to share his life with someone and that even though in his 20s having a relationship wasn't that important, it has become important now in his mid 30s. That's another thing about him, he feels so old compare to me. He still uses a flip phone and checks email at work because he doesn't have internet at home. In his own little weird way he tried to own me too. We would be walking for example at the movies and he would place his hand on my lower back as almost to guide me or steer me in a certain direction. Or if we be walking on the side walk he would try to be on my left side, the side closest to the street but my hearing aid is on my right side so I often have to be the one closest to the street when I am walking with hearing people in general. Guy #1 is typical of most guys in this city, they want to 'protect' the female which if I was hearing would be great.

Guy #3, age 41, lived in NYC for 20 years and I like to refer to him as a cutie but maybe moody guy, we have only been out on one date so far, as I have been in and out of town a lot and he recently moved from Inwood (Manhattan) and not that far from me to Prospect Park area in Brooklyn. I remember during our date him talking about moving soon and how he needed a change as he has lived in Inwood a long time. Turns out he just moved about 2 weeks ago and between work and settling in and me going back to work we haven't had time to meet up. He once texted me at 7:30ish pm last week Wed, asking to me meet up that night. But I was with Blondie at Applebees catching up and sharing notes about our first day back to work and her new job! I am so proud of Blondie for finding and getting this job on her own, yay! Anyways I obviously didn't meet up with Guy #2 and specified when I was free. I even invited him to join me and my friends last week Friday night, sent him the info and he texted me that night asking me if I was out somewhere and I responded I would be within the hour then he texted me the next day apologizing, saying he fell asleep early that night. I didn't take offense either way because I had fun whether he was there or not. Guy #3 was born I think in Brazil or was it Chiles? Moved to the states in his early 20s, I think his family lives in Texas? Not sure, works full time with programming or something like that. To me he seems like a serious guy, he says doesn't really watch TV but if he does its mostly documentaries and I think foreign subtitled films? I remember asking if he liked comedies and he said no. I almost wonder if that's due to cultural differences? After all he grew up in South America. He thought I was funny, often laughed when I made jokes. During our date after we ate we went to a dive bar not far from a club I was heading to later that night. We had a few drinks and talked more. Before we left he used the bathroom and I noticed both a photo booth and a pinball machine. When he came back I asked him if he wanted to play pinball and remarked 'look they have a photobooth' thinking it be great to do. But he declined to play pinball and I wasn't going to push the photo booth, so I played one game and he watched. At the end of the date we hugged and went our separate ways. I appreciated that.

The ironic thing is I saw Guy #1 for our third date where we went to the movies. We walked around Saint Marks to kill time as we had 20 minutes before it began and already bought our movie tickets. Guy #1 spotted a Pac-Man machine and another video machine which contained my old school favorite, Galaga Space Invaders game from the 80s.

The Pac-Man was out of order so we played Space Invaders because Guy #1 spotted them as we were walking at an entrance of some eatery and said "let's play!" Fascinating really how different each guy is. Guy #3 and I have kept in touch via text. I am sure we will go out again sometime later this month when we both have free time. I want to get to know Guy #3 better before I make any decisions about him.

Guy #4 is actually a neighbor, originally from Dominican Republic but I think mostly grew up here in NYC. I always thought he was attractive and I liked how he has a nice smile, very unusual for guys to have a nice smile that comes off as genuine. Well I ran into him on the elevator again and this time I was still on the birthday bender and extremely chatty so we got talking one day and turns out his Mom lives on my floor down the hall from him. We hung out twice and the chemistry is unbelievable. He has two small children a boy I think age 5 and a girl I think age 7 who both live with their mom and he seems them several times a week. He was with his ex and the mother of his children for 12 yrs and it seems he can barely tolerate her now. Guy #4 is lucky though she only lives 10 minutes away so its not hard for him to be with his kids. We have flirted a lot both in person and via text but I am unclear of his intentions. I am looking for a partner,  someone to date seriously. I am not sure if he is too or looking for booty call? He is not that good with texts and since I came back from PA, I haven't seen him. He wanted to see me one night but it was last minute and I was on my way out. Then towards the end of last week I texted him asking if he was free at all this weekend to finally meet up? As he texted me he was glad to see I am back. Clearly he checks for my car when he is parking or at home. His apartment and his Mother's apparent faces east and overlooks my street and houses across the street while my apartment faces west and I have a nice view of the Hudson River and Manhattan and NJ. Anyways he replied he was busy this weekend. Okay no problem, I was too but then he texted me out of the blue on Sunday afternoon he texts me "hi" and "what are you doing?" I was a little annoyed because he had told me he was busy this weekend and I figured hey you told me you were busy and already had plans to go way downtown to Houston Hall for one of my nightlife friend's fashion event that was free and early enough so that I could get home not too late. I ignored his texts for two reasons.
Reason #1, sometimes he texts me crap like "hi" and then I will respond back in a brief text hi back and maybe ask a question or I will have answered his question and then there's no further texts. To me this may be a case of 'inflating one's ego' perhaps since he got out of a long term relationship he wants to date or bed as many women as possible and I am just one of several he texts daily. Who doesn't enjoy feeling wanted or desired? But I will not become a man's text buddy simply to stroke his ego as its a waste of MY time
Reason #2 as to why I didn't reply is, if he can't contact me in advance to make plans like the other 3 guys are doing, then why should I give him the time of day? Granted the chemistry is unbelievable but I am not going to be just another notch on his belt of 'conquests' if that's indeed the case? Its hard to know because I haven't seen him in a while and I am not playing text message tag with him. He will either lose interest in me completely and we just be polite when we run into each other. Or he will decide to put more effort into pursuing me but either way the ball is in his court. If it doesn't work out, no biggie as I am using my head and not my hormones, pheromones etc etc..

If I could make a perfect man out of all four guys I would
Use Guy #1 sense of kindness and consideration as well as the ability to enjoy doing various activities with me. Combined with Guy #2 for being a regular good guy who can cut loose and enjoy a beer and good food, with pieces of Guy #3, his intelligence and seriousness, almost brooding appearance with Guy #4 body and chemistry I would have the perfect man! For now though Guy #3 and Guy #4 I will see how things go over the next few weeks.

And I'll start paying better attention to my online profile and respond to guys messages, I kind of stopped for a while because 4 different guys was a lot for me to juggle. I am proud of myself for not falling into old habits or only dating 1 guy at a time or falling for a guy too quickly. I am dating 'like a man.' Funny a few weeks ago I was kind of bragging that I am a player because I was dating so much that guy who runs in similar circles as I do and is dancer as well as a model and recently got casted in the Netflix series Orange is the New Black! Anyways he was hitting on me hard and said "when you going to play me? Like tonight? You can abuse me too" I laughed at the absurdity of what he typed on his phone to me and when I told him I was going back to the dance floor he made me promise not to forget him. Whatever man, I don't bother taking guys at clubs seriously, they just want to get laid 99% of the time. I just think its crazy how much attention I am getting at my age?! And I am also relieved that dating or getting dates is not that hard, I just have to put in the effort and communicate with the guys :)

Back to reality

Today was the second day back to teaching. The first day yesterday went great, I was glad the 7 year curse of the "1st day of school" snafus! Things like the LCD projector not working or the copy machine has a long line of teachers waiting to use it so that by the time it was my turn the machine would be out of ink or paper or jammed etc etc.. that was a nice change to not have any snafus occur.
However today class went okay. I think it's because I'm annoyed by my current schedule even though it's not a major big deal, it is an economic inconvenience for me, cost of gas and tolls just to teach one class is annoying. Toppled with going to bed too late for me own good did not put me in the best of moods. Still it wasn't a bad first day for my third class. And starting next week I'll be meeting weekly with the new hiree to help get the program started. I'm very excited to be doing that. So maybe I should look at going to my job one extra day a week as a good thing. I'm definitely going to try. I think also I know it's going to be a bitch to get home on Thursdays. Perhaps I can go to Blondie home in NJ on Thursdays since she works Friday mornings in NJ anyways.
Tomorrow I definitely got to make some phone calls, something else I don't like doing. For example I got a bill for an unpaid toll charge even tho I had my EZ pass that automatically renews itself they claim I had insufficient funds so I just paid the stupid $60 & now I've received a new bull adding more penalty fees despite the fact I already paid is crazy so I gotta call and deal with whatever bullshit bureaucracy idiots by phone, grr
I also have to call and get the appointment with the rheumatologist changed to a day I'm off from work, more bullshit that no one likes to deal with.
Then when I'm done I can go out and DANCE. I just have to use that as an incentive to go out and DANCE and not feel like I'm neglecting important things.
Miss my family too hope to go in a few weeks.
This past week for the long holiday weekend I had a great time. I'm beginning to have respect for Brooklyn. For a long time I didn't enjoy going there for underground House Music etc etc but this past month I realized Brooklyn is cooler than I knew. Yet I still don't want to live there. I love my apartment and location. The only drawbacks to where I love honestly is the lack of food choices when it comes to ordering takeouts or sitting down to a meal. For that I can go in any directions and funds better good choices, be it south of me in Manhattan, west of me in NJ, north of me Yonkers and beyond, and west of me LI, Queens.
The other day I rearranged me bedroom and I really like it now. Change is needed.

The Power of Now and its ramifications...

There's nothing worse and demoralizing to feel helpless or that no one is helping you. That all you can do is TRY to keep your head above waters. Some days its way more tiring burden then others.

Right now a family member is in crisis and this crisis of course has a ripple effect that sadly brings out sometimes the worst in us. My family has never been one to sit down and have an 'open dialogue' like you see on the shows such as "Wife Swap" "Super Nanny" "Shalom in the Home" and so on. I watch these shows and applaud these people for being willing to open and honest with one another. But instead, we, my family tends to cluster in pairs or small groups. I am worried for this person. I am worried for them a lot and I feel this crushing weight of responsibility that makes me want to run off and escape. I feel disgraceful and like this is a reflection of my love for this family member(s) but that's not the case at all. Its just that I too have my limitations and a finite amount of inner resources and I just honestly don't know how to proactively help? However I do know myself well enough to know I am not capable of ruminating about the problem if there is no known solution. It wears me down. I know other people cope with stress differently and I wish I wasn't a highly sensitive person.

As of late, I have been dancing, listening good music, good company and its my way of coping I guess. I have also tried to seize as many opportunity to swim whether its in a lake or in a pool. I am glad I went swimming a lot more this summer than I had in the past. I look at it this way, its healthy for me, dancing and swimming. Besides I also live in the greatest f*cking city in the US (I can't speak of other international cities) I would be a fool not to seize the opportunities that come my way. Even if it means getting sick and run down. I rather do as much living as I can while I can. I just find it so damn hard to strike a healthy balance between being there for my family and love ones and still enjoying my last bit of freedom. I am also bummed my vacation that ends next week.

Baba remarked to me today or yesterday that her sister Miriam was also well loved. My aunt Miriam passed away recently a few months ago, just shy of her 93rd birthday. My first ex was also baffled and I think jealous of that too, he couldn't understand why I was so well liked. Even my last ex noticed and would make sometimes good observations about why he thought people reacted to me the way they did. Then again he also tried to brainwash me that I was somehow 'different' then all the other Deafies!?! Which I really hated. And I since I am a highly sensitive person, it can be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I guess I am more relatable than the average Jane and but a curse because I am more relatable than the average Jane. Its ironic too because growing up I was lonely but since my high school days at MSSD, I have hardly felt lonely but instead been so lucky, blessed, fortunate whatever the right terminology to have so many wonderful friends in my life both close and afar. Along with a wonderful and loving family, I know I am not alone.

I know I can come off as gregarious at times but the reality is. I in those moments am doing what Osho Eckhart Tolle once wrote "live in the now" basically be present in the moment. But it can come back to haunt me because while I of course tend to write or post or photograph mostly the positive times in my life, it opens me up to judgement. Thus leads me back to feeling too much and on and on we go...But now having vented on here and checking my period tracker app, I know I am just being a little emo tonight and rightly so!

Amazing birthday marathon!

So I managed to do a 6 day birthday marathon before I along with several others caught a summer cold of sorts. Of course I got it worst than everyone else as usual. I accept I have a weak immune system, it is a fact and I don't dispute it one bit. I am home again today with a cold that has turned into I think a chest cold. If I am not better in a few more days or still coughing up icky stuff then off to the doctors I go. I don't want or need bronchitis! Its kind of funny because the other day before I got sick I was thinking how long its been since I was really sick with anything other than headaches and body aches that goes along with chronic bouts of fibromyalgia, meaning things like colds, upset stomach some kind of bug caught ailment. I am sure it has a LOT to do with the fact I am not under chronic stress or in a dysfunctional relationship that eroded my self esteem. I know it t has a lot to do with me being healthier over all. Plus this cold while annoying and not fun, isn't as bad as having the flu or a real major fibro flare up! And I am lucky because I am on vacation so the normal guilt I feel when I am sick and missing work isn't there making me feel 10xs worst. Instead I am medicating myself with dayquil, nyquil and gone into hibernation bear mode where I just sleep sleep sleep and let me body fight the invaders. Watch tv, listen to good music and FB with friends. Plus I have been Skyping or FTing with friends as well, technology is great!

Also earlier in the week someone threw a hissy fit and instead of getting annoyed I just posted funnies about angry people :P

Moving on from the bs....to my birthday cake!

 

Mama Raccoon was so sweet to bake me a "pioneer cocoa chocolate cake!" with cute little star candles, how loved am I?!

 

The lake was my little slice of heaven! I can't wait to go back Labor day weekend!

Back to my birthday marathon this past week! I had so much fun, saw so many friends it humbled me tremendously to know many people care about me. Sometimes it takes me by surprise, like what's the fuss for? 'little old me?' nah, and I occassionally look around to see who its really for. Yeah I know self esteem not always at an all time high. But its wayyyyy better than it used to be. That's the positive with getting older, you just don't care anymore and focus on what makes you happy and your small world you live in.