"Love all, trust a few"

This above quote is by Shakespeare and fits my mood to a T.

Ever since I was a little girl. I have repeatedly had my trust violated by others who I thought were my friends but in actuality they were using me. I made a doormat of myself for a good ten years that as an adult, I have major issues with trust. And being taken for granted. Plus with my first relationship I truly believed

• "Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love."

Virgil, Eclogues
Roman epic poet (70 BC - 19 BC)

And in doing so I stayed with someone who didn't really deserve my trust and belief in them and I ended up in such a bad place by the end of it that I vowed never to truly let my guard down. I felt like I owed it to myself to keep a small piece of me, that no one could ever touch but I see now this isnt working.

• "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough." -Frank Crane.

Now the Tin Man has entered my life but my own insecurities are spilling over to my relationship with him and I am afraid I may inadvertly push him away because I am so scared of being hurt again. I have had too much hurt in my life that I just have a low tolerance of it. I know he is trying hard to put up with me and my defensive nature. I have to learn to trust him and let go of control. I know there's a chance I could end up with a broken heart again and the mere idea of it, scares me to no end. And it upsets me because I don't want to mess it up with him or for him to think my inability to fully trust someone is in anyway a reflection of who he is but rather who I was and I need to calm down. I know everyone has issues and I am overly sensitive, I wish I wasn't. Sometimes the sadness and being scared takes over and no amount of rationality or without a lot of assurance can I then let go and believe things will be ok. Because when I did so in the past, it only came back to haunt me and make me feel like a fool. Someone who wears their heart on their sleeves and deserves whatever happens to them.

I also spoke to someone who has ADHD themselves and he mentioned that people who have ADD/ADHD are often overly sensitive based on their past interactions that as an adult, we easily pick up on other people's feelings. I think this is very true, if the Tin Man is trying to tell me something important to him or something that really matters to him in a serious manner, I almost feel as if I need to defend myself instead of realizing he is just trying to make a point and that in my perception I see it as an attack. He has a strong personality and doesn't exactly say things gently so I get my feathers in a ruffle and my defenses go to Red Alert *imitates Star Trek alarm*

I grew up hearing the quote by Groucho Marx;

• "I sent the club a wiring stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DONT WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. "

Basically this means, if you like me, whats wrong with you? I guess my ego needs a boost of self-esteem and a dash of confidence with a sprinkle of self-love. I spent so many years believing I was not worthy of anything. I can still remmeber wishing so hard to be invisible and burying myselfs in books while I was in a hearing school. God bless my family for their efforts and they tried hard to install a sense of self-worth but it was my experience in the hearing world as a child that it has fucked me up. I know looking back now, I was a victim of circumstances and the time period. Children are naturally cruel. One can look at Lord of the Flies the movie and know that as children we are savages.

Still one cannot logic with the heart and I am trying not to take the easy way out and say. Hey, this is what happened to me so what else can you expect. But rather, this is what happened to me and I am trying hard to work on my issues because of it but it doesn't excuse my future mistakes at all. I just need to be aware of this and try to recognize when I am reacting out of fear of being hurt or whether or not I am reacting justifiably?

The only good news I can give myself is my bark is worse then my bite. Basically even if I react badly to something, I do not dwell on it nor do I keep score to berate the other further down the road. I can only know that yesterday has already happened, and I am trying my best today and tmw is a new day to try again. I am like a bear, I will howl and growl but I will not attack, simply I will more likely to try to nuzzle my way into your good graces or view whatever it is I did wrong by owning up to it, apologizing and moving on. I mean sure I could beat myself up, and I obviously do because its still on my mind today after some poor words were exchanged last night because I thought he was trying to accuse me or judge me and I have been both many times in the past that I immediately got defensive and felt like "hey wait a minute, I came out to have a good time not fight." and instead we ended up arguing and it was so dumb. I thought he was trying to change me or put down my way of life but he later explained he was thinking outloud and needed my reassurance on the topic that there was nothing to be worried about.

And he's right, in some weird messed up way, I am waiting for things to go wrong to say"aha! I knew it!" and I dont want to, how can I change this? Do I need to go back into therapy? I've said all I could about the past and I thought for the most part, I have put it behind me. Yet it still creeps up and spills into my everyday life. I know also for me, time is a major player when it comes to trust. All of my good friends who I trust deeply I have known for more than 10 years. In rare occassions do I trust someone within the first 6 months to a year. I've only made 1 friend before I left from MD to move to NYC that we clicked and my trust in her was unwavering. But this is an exception to the rule. I wish I could trust the Tin Man without any doubts, but its only been a little over 2 months. If he can be patient with me and not take my defensive reactions so personally I might be able to overcome this deep rooted fear of mine of being hurt? I know he has issues of how he was treated in the past so my issues do not help his at all but only make it worse!

Wow I am feeling very depressed today and like unsure of what to do and how to make it better? This weekend we are going out of town for a small vacation. I am worried I will cause it to go badly as I did last night and I don't trust myself right now to say the right things or react the right way. I almost want to tell him he's better off with someone less damaged so he doesnt have to put up with my shit. He's a great guy with a bright future, he doesn't need me to bring him down. I am still somewhat trying to figure out whats so great about me that makes him stay? I have no real income, no place to live, low self-esteem issues and so on what could he possibly see? Sure I know I am fun to be around, and I always have a wide variety of interests and hobbies and interesting points of view but surely thats not enough. And then to make it worse, I think sometimes he doesn't approve 0f me and it gets me more upset. I've made peace with myself when it comes to my way of life and my beliefs but I know the world overall thinks I am a fool with a devil may care attitude. I've spent too many years making other people happy that I can no longer do so without losing myself. I know thats another thing that scares me about being in love with the Tin Man is that I will lose myself and it took me a LONG time to get here. I think I have become reduant with this posting, basically to sum things up;

• I have low self-esteem so my defenses are always up
• I react before thinking sometimes
• I wonder what he really sees in me that makes it worthwhile for him?
• I want to make things right but I don't know how
• I get flustered easily when my words or sentences are used against me or I am asked to remember specifics because having ADD means I cannot memorize specifics but the overall bigger picture and my feelings from it.
• I will keep trying and I hope the Tin Man can give me time because that is the best present I can have. Nothing else but time will allow me to lower my defenses and learn not only to love but to trust.