Today I was to meet the hearing film director at the school to scout locations but he didnt show up till 11 25am! See the Tin Man offered to give me a lift over there so I wouldnt be out in the gawd awful heat. We waited in his nice AC car for 20 minutes, I even text messaged the director but no avail. It wasnt till we were driving downtown for brunch did he txt msg me but I figured I was there and I gave him 20 minutes of my time. Besides I am not being paid for this gig so if you can't at least show up when agreed why should I stick my neck out? After a few txt msg back and forth I asked the Tin Man to call him and terp for me, it became quite apparent that the director was bullshitting his answers about being there at 11am etc etc, I gave him the option to come back next week while I was working morning shift because today was my day off from work to edit and I took the time to go and meet him. The director said he would go ahead and scout the location and email me if any problems, so far no emails which means no problems as of now.
After we ate the Tin Man dropped me off at the nearby Red Cross of NYC for me to sign up for several courses. The woman who takes care of terps services isnt in today or tmw. Instead I spoke with her assistance who was a nice lady but couldnt help me much other than to bring to my attention that the Red Cross would be interested in having me be one of their instructor as well so its possible both LaGuardia and the Red Cross could get me work. They also have a mentoring program for Red Cross instructors so that will be excellent support and training. I was given the program coordinator's business card to email her with specifics.
Walked home from 66 st to 80th st, not too long and the heat was ok as long as I walked in the shade. Arrived back and ended up taking a LONG 4 hour nap. I needed it, the past few nights I got maybe 6 hours tops. I am a 9 hour woman! I need the rest, I was talking to Cain and we think people with ADD or ADHD require more sleep because we try so hard to focus at the task at hand (work, cleaning, relationships, etc etc) and for me as well being deaf and around hearies all day, its one long CONCENTRATION attempt. When I am tired I am done, I need to recharge my batteries to 5 bars, not 3!
Now doing some laundry and editing. One of my friends who's voice over I need is leaving next friday the 11th so I only have next week to do it. Tonight I am gonna just edit her scenes only and worry about the others later.
I am feeling better today, got many nice emails from friends. Ronnie in particular sent me a good one who's excerpt I hope she doesnt mind me posting below?
when I finally understood that my baggage is with me at all times I could be fully conscious of my triggers and in doing so I became confident and estemed. To accept that its a lifelong lesson overall is to be realistic to the point of actually appreciating all of those triggers.
So, with that said- I simply told X "I found that I am so used to chaos that I may habitually create it when things get too still/good." After saying outloud what my triggers were it became so natural for me to be aware of them at all times. With my bf now, I try hard to not let our dramas build upon each other by being the "better person" -defined as one who understands how buttons are easily pushed unintentionally and intentionally. As result your esteem is pretty damn good- there is no such thing as a flawless person! A redefinition of "high-self esteem" for me was also helpful. No one has it all made but we can have it all-together.
What is your goal? To be a blank slate (one who doesn't react bec of experience) or to be a person who reacts WITH experience? Note the key word with instead of from. It sounds like you are reactin FROM experience like I did for a long time and sometimes still do when I feel like I'm in over my head and honestly- want to feel bad for myself.
So, honestly you've got a good self esteem and that is not going anywhere- the doubts do not equate a bad self-esteem but rather an uncertian understanding of a new place in your life fitting into the puzzle that sums up YOU.
From Mom;
Just because some greedy, nasty, selfish people lived down to their basic instincts is no reason for you to think so little of yourself. You are everything that they are not. Look at all you have accomplished with your young life. Look at yourself in the mirror and see just how beautiful you are. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. I love you too much for you to think that about yourself. So stop it. Still love you the best. Mom
Thank you to everyone who took the time to give me the much needed pep talk. So the pity party has ended. As the Tin Man told me yesterday, its not all me when we get into these arguments. He has his own issues to deal with, like in the past he was treated so poorly that he vowed never to be treated that way again. So at times I think he gets riled up when he thinks I am putting him down. Not unlike me, eh? Last night I forgot what I said but he thought I was angry, quite the opposite, I was stating my view with determination, not to be angry and I saw he was getting upset so I simply grabbed his knee and replied, "Are you gonna let 1 little thing rattle you like that?" He looked surprised and replied, "I thought you were angry." Then it hit me, I think he confuses my strong feelings with "me attacking him personally", when no in reality, I was stating something that I believed in. Now I realize I must make the effort to let him know I say things strongly but that is all. And I wasn't angry or even annoyed, it was water off my back.
Also I think its ironic because during his childhood he attended a primarily Jewish school who basically looked down on him, where as I went to a hearing school and treated like shit. And here we are dating someone who shares a trait we were conditioned not to like. I also think the Jewish community in NYC is a lot different than the Jews all over the country. As a reform Jew, I know how secular the Jewish community can be. And I am glad the Tin Man isnt at all against Jews but the fundamentalist or those who practice seculsion. Not unlike the Amish Community or some Arab countries, where those in it stick to their own kind.
Tomorrow the Tin Man and I leave for a weekend getaway. I think we will be fine. I am glad we got the BS out of the way earlier this weekend. Nothing is worse then fighting with someone while on vacation, it totally kills the whole experience. Wish us luck!
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