Cheshire's Grin

I am a happy woman today! The past 24 hours have been GREAT! Last night had a wonderful time with my Sweetie. I enjoy him more and more as time goes by. He fessed up the hearie/deafie issue was harder than he ever expected. I was glad because I knew it would be and I knew some of the tension must stem from the cultural differences. But for him to say it and admit to it, meant the world to me. I told him he doesnt have to spend 24/7 with my deafie life, (dphh, deaf events...) I mean really I don't expect him to have a good time because how could he? He's left out. NO matter how much I try to involve him, it only goes so far. Today he got a new PDA which has a keyboard. That makes txt msging so much easier for us both.

Earlier I stopped by my new apt to pick up the keys and run some errands. Bianca and I strolled around her neighborhood and I brought 2 wine glasses for 25 cents each. (so sad the keyboard no longer has "cent" symbol as an option).

My FCP tutor came by @7pm. She rocks! She didnt hurry me nor did she waste time spoonfeeding me needless information. She and I were on the same wavelength. Here's more info on Dj Tikka Masala. She was born in India but grew up in NJ, spent a few years in California and then moved back here. She works primarily in documentary and as a sound engineer. And she's aspiring Dj herself. I told her if she ever needs glowing references to feel free to ask me.


Decided to delete yesterday's post because I think my point was made and no need to dwell on old news. I look towards the future, as Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story says "To Infinity & Beyond!"

Polar Opposites!

Ironically my sweetie and I can see eye to eyes on many issues but in many other ways we're polar opposites! It does make things interesting. I am not sure how opposite attracts works in the long run? I saw this and thought the questions they listed are worthy to review not only for myself but for him as well; Online Dating Magazine. In the beginning its great listening to a different view point then your own and seeing qualities you admire in someone else that you do not possess yourself. Now 3 months have gone by and these differences have become glaringly different in certain ways. Topple that with the usual 3 month "review of the relationship" along with the 6 month and the 1 year review can make for unnecessary tension and simple arguments.

I learned recently that certain people around me and my Tin Man have made remarks about what I am or are not capable of. I was shocked to learn what was said about me, and hurt as well. I know I am not perfect. As Ronnie likes to say I am NOT "naming names" here. I have tried to do the right thing all my life but for others not to believe in me or my ability to stand on my own two feet, that STUNG! And whats more is that the Tin Man had time to mull over these opinions (because thats what they are, not facts) and apply this to what he sees in me made things difficult over the weekend. I felt like, hey wait a minute, you don't know me that well (3 months!) how can you even apply those remarks to me? I know right now I am not ready for a serious, "let's get married" relationship. But I am all for dating and getting to know someone I like very much to see if it will lead to this. I know it would be nice to have that special someone in my life, to get married and possibly start a family. I just cant think about it now. After I ve dated someone more than a year, I can start to wonder about marriage and a family but I spent my 20s thinking about my "future" and when it never materialized. I learned bitterly that no matter how hard you try to plan things, things never go accordingly. Life will pull the rug out from under your feet at anytime!

Besides I was fortunate enough in two ways. One I had role models in my life who didn't have children and I saw the advantages of that. Secondly, I moved to a city that embraces differences and deviation from the traditional path. No I didn't grow up as a kid, pretending to be a mother of 5 kids, but I have always wanted to have someone special to share my life with. As long as that special someone shares me with the rest of the world. They dont have to be with me if they don't want to when I am with many others, as I will always set special time aside for the persons I love. I have a lot of love to give, I will not run out anytime soon. By sharing my life with family and friends, I feel very rich.

I appreciate the Tin Man immensely and enjoy his company. But I have a life to build for myself, just finishing grad school and getting my ducks in a row. I hope he can understand this about me and not take it personally because I enjoy dating him for now and hope he does too?

Today I did one voice over and soon will be back to editing. I am glad I went to PA last week, it was a great break and to see everyone!

Quail Song

Baba, the Tin Man and I went to say goodbye for the last time to the boat and to the Two River Basin Yacht area last Thursday. The Quail Song has seen better days. Thats the problem with wooden boats, all of the parts must be replaced every 10-20 years because it warps! I wasnt happy to find my boat falling apart. [Photos will be added later, technical difficulties at the moment]

Yesterday was an easy day, we ended up not going to the Green Dragon but Nancy and Bobby did stop by for a short visit. I promised them the next time I would go.

The Tin Man and I are getting ready to head back to NYC for Blondies' birthday! Tmw I will edit and visit my friend Eddie who had some problems with an infection on his knee due to a cat scratch :(

I did recieve some good news this week in regards to jobs, seems I will be teaching 4 nights a week. 2 nights ASL and 2 nights English for Deaf Adults continuing their education. Plus I still have my media tech job so I may just earn enough to squeak by?

Green Dragon

In my hometown there are two cool flea markets to go to, one is called Roots which is open on Tuesdays and Green Dragon which is open on Fridays. Since Blondie's birthday is tmw, the Tin Man and I were planning to head back for tomorrow night to celebrate her 30th bday. But it seems due to a conflict with another deaf event, the MET tours is also happening as well as another event in Coney Island that the birthday celebration will most likely be postponed to Saturday. In that case, the Tin Man and I can hang in my home town one extra day and hit the Green Dragon tmw. I plan to invite my aunt Nancy and my nephew Bobby.

Today Baba, Tin Man and I are all headed to Two Rivers Yacht Basin where my grandfather kept his boat the Qualye Song docked at. I spent most of my childhood summers going to Chesapeake City in MD to spend time on our boat. We would swim, sail and go crabbing. When my grandfather (Papa) passed away 15 years ago yesterday (August 23rd). We got rid of the boat, much to my dismay. I wasn't old enough to take over the boat, having just turned 17 at the time. Neither one of my twin uncles were interested in keeping the boat so my grandfather's friend who he shared the boat with sold it. Meanwhile I havent been to the boat in about 14 years when my two uncles, my aunt Nancy and I all went out to scatter Papa's ashes in the Chesapeake Bay. Recently my family was informed whoever owned the boat, the Qualye Song abandon it and stopped payments for the dock fees. So basically the boat is falling apart and we're gonna go down today and take some pictures and I guess say goodbye to the boat that has given the family many wonderful memories. I hope someday to be able to go boating again. I will post pictures tomorrow. I am excited to show my sweetie where I spent a lot of my childhood at. I want to walk along the planks and show him the mini shore.

Then we will hit the Chesapeake City for dinner, soft shell crabs, YUM!

Reverse Racism

It seems to me since I moved to NYC, the racial tension is a lot higher than it was back in DC/Balitmore. I have a harder time understanding why other than the fact that NYC has racial tensions not only between the Hadisic Jews and the Black community but all of the minorities have beef with one another.

I've decided to google this topic and see what turned up. So far I agree with the following;

Blacks and Jews:
A Revolutionary View
Revolutionary Worker #971, August 30, 1998

"Who are our enemies? Who are our friends? This is a question of the first importance for the revolution."

Mao Tsetung

Some people argue that Jewish people have played a special role throughout history--oppressing Black people and keeping them from achieving prosperity within the capitalist system.

It is argued that Jewish merchants and slaveowners played a special role in the brutal slave trade that brought kidnapped Africans to the New World.

It is said that Jewish merchants and landlords are a special cause of the poverty of Black communities.

It is said that "Jewish control" of the media and educational institutions has led to a conscious "Jewish conspiracy" to produce "negative images" and "self-hatred" among Black people.

These views are not true--they are based on myth, distortion and a promotion of mistaken prejudices. And all those who really want to end the oppression of Black people--and all oppressive systems--need to take a scientific approach on who is the enemy:

The main oppressor and main enemy of the masses of Black people is the capitalist-imperialist system and its ruling class. It is this system that has lived off the labor of generations of Black people and millions of other working people. It is this system that has created the urban ghettos, today's massive unemployment, the armed occupation by police, the systematic oppression Black people face as a people --and it is the ruling class of this system that profits from and defends those conditions.

Jewish people are by no means the main oppressors of Black people, nor have they been historically. In fact, Jews as Jews have never in history been major oppressors of any people or classes.

Today, the majority of Jewish people in the U.S. are middle class, playing many different social and political roles in society. Some merchants and slumlords in Black ghettos, especially in New York City, have been Jewish. But even then, those merchants and property owners were not the main oppressor of Black people or the main cause of poverty in those communities. Overall, the vast majority of Jewish people are not oppressors, and have a potential to be allies and supporters of the revolution.

Anti-Semitism, which claims that Jews as Jews are an enemy, plays into the hands of the real enemy. If a Jewish person did a thing, it does not mean that Jews as a group were behind it. Or that it benefited Jews as a group. There are some Jewish people within the ruling class and others who play an oppressive role in society. But this is a matter of their class position and their role in the overall structure of capitalist society and economy--not of their "Jewishness."

There is no "international Jewish conspiracy" and there never has been. Writings like "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion" that claim to document such conspiracies are complete fabrications written by reactionaries and police agents--and circulated to poison the minds of the people.

Jews as Jews are not oppressors--but the state of Israel is an enemy of the international proletariat. Israel is the direct oppressor of the Palestinian people, in the service of imperialism, and is a major outpost of imperialism in the whole region of the Middle East. Zionism is a reactionary nationalist movement that supports Israel and its oppression of Arab people. But Zionism is not the same thing as the Jewish religion, Judaism. Zionists claim to speak for all Jews--but they do not, in fact, speak for all Jews or represent their interests.

You can read more at http://www.rwor.org/a/v20/970-79/971/blajew.htm which goes on to talk about how involved the Jews were in the slave trades back in the 1600s, 1700s (btw not much at all). I am starting to see where some people who are NYC residents might believe this bullshit. That the Jews are the "Black man" oppressor.

Here's another citation I would like to post;

From Cooperation to Conflict
During the 1950s and 1960s, Jews and African Americans were closely allied in the civil rights movement, and, indeed, Jews played a prominent role in the leadership of most, if not all, of the major civil rights organizations. As noted earlier, Stanley Levinson, a Jewish attorney, was Dr. Martin Luther King's chief advisor. Kivie Kaplan, a retired Jewish businessman from Boston, served as president of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and was, as well, one of Dr. King's major fund-raisers and financial contributors. Marvin Rich, another Jewish attorney, was the chief fund-raiser and key speech writer for James Farmer, head

[p. 146] ... More than half the white lawyers who made their services available to civil rights demonstrators in the South were Jews. Between half and three-quarters of the contributors to civil rights organizations - including the Student Non-Violent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), CORE, and Dr. King's Southern Christian Leadership Con- ference (SCLC) - were Jews. More than half the white freedom riders were Jews. Almost two-thirds of the whites who went into the South during the Freedom Summer of 1964 were Jews including, of course, Michael Schwerner and Andrew Goodman who, along with their black colleague James Chaney, were murdered by racist thugs in Mississippi.

More can be found at http://users.cyberone.com.au/myers/j-over-b.html

I think its crazy to blame the Jews for everything. Havent they been persecuted enough throughout history (both BC/AD!). I think both groups, the Blacks and the Jews need to be supporting one another, not tearing each other down. I have dealt with a lot of anti-sematics in my life. And it shocking to see it in such a wonderful place like NYC where every walk of life exist there and know there is still so much prejudice a person could choke on it. Don't get me wrong, NYC is an EOE where you can hate everyone equally, but why?

Forbearance

Forbearance is my new favorite word, it means "A lender's postponement of foreclosure in order to give the borrower time an opportunity to make up for overdue payments. " I recently spoke to both of my loans people to ask for more time to find steady work before making repayments. Both agencies have granted me a 1 year forbearance on my school loans. Now I can relax and do my freelancing jobs and hopefully by this time next year have a reasonably steady income?

Tonight my Sweetie will be coming up. I cannot wait to see him. How funny a few days apart can make one feel. I love the feeling of seeing him after a few days and the excitement that it builds up to. If we're together 24/7 how can I ever appreciate him? The time apart was good, I was able to catch up with Baba and sleep. I also did some editing, still more to go, a never ending task. I need to finish the voice overs before I move because I want all of my voices to have the same background noises so that way when I add them the audience cant tell. If I do the voice overs in different rooms and different AC, the hearies are gonna know immediately. Any upcomming projects I do in regards to film making, I will have a sound person on hand. Period, I cannot risk my work's quality to be anything less than subpar. I also plan to ask for 1 or 2 people in lighting. I can go to NYU and NYFA and post for volunteers as well as Craigslist, actorsnews and mandy.com.

Alrighty I gotta run over to Mom's place. We're having Kuggle for dinner and a few rounds of skip bo!

Free Yearly Credit Reports

As many of you know there are three credit reporting agencies;

Equifax
Experian
TransUnion

I was deluded into one of these agencies website to pay $12.95 a monthly to access my one report at Experian... PLEASE! by federal law these three agencies must give every consumer out there a copy of their credit report 1x a year. I recently wasted 30- mins on relay with the company trying to find out why I have to pay for a free report. It seems if you use the company's personal websites, they will charge you. But if you go to www.annualcreditreport.com you can obtain your credit scores 1x a year for free. Enjoy!

One more thing

I forgot to wish my friend Pack a happy 30th bday! For some reason I kept thinking it was August 30th not 20th but after seeing Knobs and Ridor's blog I realize I confused her would be age with her birthdate.

Sarah I have missed you so much in the 10 months you have been gone. I would have loved to help you celebrate your 30th bday this summer from one Leo to another! I wish so much to turn back the clock and let you know how much you meant to me as a friend. I know you knew I cared for you but I feel cheated you died so quickly and unexpectedly. It makes me angry at the ins company and NYU hospital for not taking better care of you! If anything I just wanted to take this time to cry a little and let you know down here we miss you tremendously! I miss our talks, ordering food, just the bullshit we used to do. You were my first real Nyer friend I made outside of Gally.

Sarah, you will not be forgotten and I hope now you and Chanda are keeping each other company till I join you all down the road when my time comes. You were a terrific person and I loved you dearly and miss you terribly.

Happy birthday from me to YOU!

Excess Baggage

Anyone who thinks they go thru life unscathed is a fool. I honestly believe that everyone has issues from their childhood. Whether its related to school or their family life, everyone has skeletons in their closets. What I disliked immensely about my ex is once he met me, he dropped his luggages (issues) by my feet and then during the 6 years we were together never once bothered to open up the suitcases, examine the contents and how it has impacted him and his views on life. It was like "ok here you go, I don't want to be bothered. Everything is fine. Na na la la *covering his eyes, stuffing fingers in his ears!*" But these isssues popped up over and over again throughout our relationship and his answer was the same always "I'm FINE!" Not, "well, this happened and it made me feel this way and thats why I worry when this happens." Nope, just "I'm FINE!" I cant stand people who cannot face their past in order to deal with the present and future. We are a product of our environment and genes. I personally advocate therapy for anyone with issues they havent address to avoid a "victim mentality." To me it shows wisdom and maturity to be able to sit down with a professional and lay your cards out on the table. Deal with the nitty gritty. By not dealing with these issues, I think a person is deluding themselves into thinking "out of sight, out of mind." I do not think a therapist, counselor is doing their job if they spend all the time with the client telling them what to think but rather empower the clients to come to conclusions to themselves and help them deal with it. Therapy isnt for the weak minded or those who are expecting an easy way in life. There are no short cuts, not even with ghosts of the past. You cannot will yourself to feel better, you must take action. I have gone to therapy three times in my life.

The first time was a grief counselor who helped me tremendously with the loss of my Grandfather (Papa).. It was the first time I had ever experience death with someone so close to me at the age of 17.

The 2nd time was when I was at Gally and in my sophomore year. I was driving myself crazy by worrying about everything that could go wrong, what my friends problems were etc etc. I was miserable. Then during the course of therapy it became clear to me why I was wasting so much of my time worrying about "what could happen" or worrying about friends, that I was keeping myself distracted by not looking at myself. I tell people its easier to criticize others then to hold a mirror to your own self.

The 3rd time was after my breakup. I was having a terrible time getting over a broken heart and my illusions about what love is.

In all 3 cases, my experiences with the therapist/counselors were terrific and helped me in the long run. I do know of cases with friends where the therapist is only interested in hearing their voices or being paid a fat sum per hour. I have never gone to a "private" counselor and paid for it myself, most of the time its been on a sliding fee and I find those in that settings to be the most beneficial and helpful. I cant speak for the pricey therapist and say their agenda is for the good of mankind, not for fattening their wallets.

I arrived in PA. Baba made this delish chicken salad to die for! I had 2 helpings! I am happy to be in PA. I needed a break from NYC. I also wanted to give Cain a break as well. Blondie is still in California so he will have the apt all to himself for the next 5 days!

The Tin Man and I went to lunch today before I boarded the train. He will come to PA wednesday nite to visit, we will hit Philly thursday. I personally want to go to a science museum. Maybe the Franklin Institute? The last time I went, there was no captioning and many of their displayed had monitors so I will call before going.

I got a great email from Ronnie today cautioning me not to use deaf culture as the main culprit of any problems I may have with the Tin Man. Shes right, I dont normally make a habit of doing so but still its good to be reminded by someone who's opinion I respect and she being a deafie with a hearie boyfriend I know she knows whats shes talking about. I will admit there are communication difficulties sometimes between us, mostly because I don't always understand the meaning of what he says and vice versa. I find I need additional details and he thinks its obvious. I told him its one of the few times where he must think of me like a "man" that I cannot read his mind nor will I assume anything. Give me details, details, details! If it isnt mentioned, I don't know, period. I am glad tho the other day the Tin Man reminded me how much he loves me and cares for me and wants to make it work. Just knowing this makes a world of difference.
..

Sleeping, Editing, "Me Time"...

Yesterday and today were dedicated primarily to editing. I only have 2 more characters left to do translations for voice over purposes. I should be able to do the remainder of the voice overs before moving Sept 5th. This week I will be setting up times with the last 3 actors. I must also do one character's scenes as her voice over because she moved back to Texas. That will be interesting.

Last night Szymanski and I went downtown to eat Indian for dinner. Yum, plus catch up and I edited more late last night.

Today edited more, the reason why is, I want to go to PA and enjoy my visit without worrying about a million small things to do when I return. I'll be back to NYC this Friday for a friends' birthday celebration but my focus will be on moving preperations and finishing voice overs. This is how I will end my summer 2006!

Tonight my Sweetie came by and we went out for dinner, later dropped off a shelf unit uptown for Szymanski and now I'm back at Cain's chilling. Overall a GOOD weekend. I was able to have some "me time" and get some serious work done. I know, sad that I spend my free time working on my movies but for me, its worthwhile.

Status report...

I forgot to confirm that yes the apartment deal worked out! I have a new roomie who seems cool and is a flight attendant. Which means she's home 10 days a month tops. Its pretty big too and this time I have a closet with a door. Reasonably priced, good location by way of train and in MANHATTAN! wheeeeeee! My approx move in date will be Sept 5th.

Finally got around to getting a new earmold made. I have been putting it off for months. I will say that for the League of Deaf and Hard of Hearing in NYC was well run. I was able to walk in and barely waited in the waiting room. The audiologist shared my first name and seemed like a nice lady. She of course like all audiologist do, needed to do a quick hearing test. Basically I raised my hand every time I "heard" a sound via headset. Really sometimes it can be confusing to what I "hear" and what I "feel" some of the higher pitch ones especially were like that. Also as all deafies know, your mind starts to confuse their test with phantom noises. You raise your hand not sure if its real or if your mind is only ringing? But back to the earmold. I was happy to pick out from a design collection called "cats eye" a little hot pink one. Happy is the ME.

Met the Tin Man's mom today downtown. Now I know where he gets his good looks from. Its apparent around the eyes and nose. I didnt get to meet with her long due to other errands and other commitments.

This week, I have come to the conclusion volunteering on hearing film sets isnt really my thing anymore. I mean I am glad for the experiences I have had but I realize that the deafness does get in the way of effective communication and creates long period of boredom. As a deafie with ADD I cannot stand the long periods of boredom on the sets. I'm stuck there all day, during the busy periods of the day, I'm fine, no problem but its during the down time (there's a lot of it on a film set because various crews set up, break down, etc etc), its boring as HELL.

Tmw I will edit, meet up with Szymanski, Sunday with my sweetie!

Next week I will visit my folks in PA. It will be great to see everyone. Good way to end August before fall begins. Apple cider anyone?

*hums the Jaw's theme*

Ironically I cannot actually hum the theme, a true deafie at heart. I only know of references to it made by hearies but for the sake of the entery, one must follow the arts as it is presented if using it as a reference, (wouldnt you agree Rusty?);


Oddly it has become clear to me and Cain that Tom my bastard nero-like kitty has earned a reputation for being a bit into cannibalism. So what happens is, Tom gets all moody with me and then he jumps off the couch. Cain happens to be sitting in one of those rocking office chairs on wheels, ya know the kind I am talking about. Tom jumps down and sits behind Cain. I decicded to tell Cain that Tom was "gunning for his legs." Of course he immediately picked up his legs, which I find to be funny as hell. I added then that it was like seeing the reaction to Jaw's the famous shark. Whats even funnier is that Cain said, "Tom is mostly grey with white on the bottom, with sharp teeth."

Life's little folklores

Worked on the hearing set today, it went ok. I wasnt really into it. I think it was the way it was run. (and the fact we ended up going downtown for this set to pick up props during heavy traffic did not help- thank you Sweetie!). Nyhoo, they dont need me tomorrow, gonna meet up with my Sweetie and enjoy the day with him.

Tonight did some editing. But mostly today was "me" day. I havent been sleeping my 9 hours for a few months now and its catching up to me. I know because I become very cranky and semi unreasonable when I am overtired. I am like a bear who needs to go in the cave and hibernate in order to function normally without becoming sick with an ailment. Or gruffy around others.

Now to be honest, I have never been a high energetic person. Once my teen years hit, I went into a more turtle more than rabbit mode. Dont get me wrong, I love activities and doing things. But once I have run out of steam, or otherwords, hit the wall. Then the best thing to do is let me veg out or to leave me alone. I like my Sweetie he allows me to relaxs and when I am in "bear" mode, to allow me to be.

I want him to feel he can do the same around me. I love doing my thing (work, school, etc) during the day. Then in the evenings, meeting up with him to compare notes and relax. Enjoy one another's company. And he makes me think. Sure I dont always like how he broaches the subject but I cannot deny it doesn't give one a moment to pause and think it over.

Check out this photo :)

Turtle & the Hare

Funny I had no idea how religiously based the story of the Frog and the Scropion
was on Christianity. It shouldnt surprise me as look at my home town. Its no wonder it was part of the reading curriculum when I was a child.

Immingration and leg of...

On todays CNN article 'Explosion of diversity' sweeps U.S., census shows...' it wasnt surprising to find West Virginia least likely to attract the international crowd. And with immigration laws being a hot topic on Capitol Hill and all across the nation I find this to be ironic. Because this country for the past 400 hundred plus years was built on the tears and sweats of so many different immigrants and their contributions. The US would not be where it is, if it wasn't for the constant, verstile and horrific measures (ie killing of the old inhabitants, the Native Americans). That there are many Americans who today are saying "us against them." Hello, we all of US were somewhere down the line one of "them" in the past. I don't care if your family is from England and arrived on via Plymouth ship. You then are a decesdant of immigrants. Since we as a human race migrated from Africa after the continentals divided. Yes law and order is needed, but I believe this country is capable of dealing with its already diverse population, why freak out when if anything, newbies will bring new ideas. I will give capitalism credit in this country where everyone ideally has a chance to be successful, powerful, etc etc. its nothing to sneeze at. I cant say for sure where I am with this issue above, but this is what runs thru my mind when I think about immigration.

Today is my day off, had some trouble with the bank today. FYI if you open an acct online. Dont expect to be able to go in person and have access to your "imaginary" online account because even tho both the branch and online site are from the same mother international company, they do not "interract." okay.... then it became clear. It was a way for them to trap me into opening a checking account. I didnt want to risk waiting for the time it would take to transfer over from 1 bank to another bank. Apparently the magical ability of having a checking acct with them, is it will allow me to have access to my online savings account. BUTT that I will have to wait till tmw morning and find some dumbass early bank location to get the check, thereby delaying the roommate, payment meeting. Lucky 4 me, she was cool about it. Thats how it is sometimes in NYC. Youre plain old busy. I love working!

The party last night was ok. There were some people I really enjoyed seeing. Others I could have never have met them and my life would be none different for it. Overall, the Tin Man finally met the Lamb. A leg of Lamb he is. I think it was interesting mixs of hearies, deafies, and all those in betweens.

Here are some photos I took with my beloved IMac of the set of roses from the Tin Man. He gave them to me Friday, it was very sweet of him. I am glad today is tuesday and they look wonderful like he does!

And so...

It seems most deafinite that I will be roommating with one other girl here in Manhattan :) I is the HappIeeee. I plan to meet her tmw at 1pm, finalize everything (ie monetary transaction with reciept).

All weekend was mostly two things, the Tin Man and editing. I spent Sunday doing two different voice overs. I was pleased with the results and effort made by the two women that showed up. This was the 2nd time I did this. My technique as a rare deafie who dabbles in the audio world in her little deafie way, is to break up the scenes that contain dialogues. That way the sentences can be spoken seperately. But if it was long spoken pieces I would leave the scene as intact as possible without compromising the scene itself. I had already read somewhere that sound quality can make or break a movie. Meaning if my audience is primarily hearing or if my work is at all intended for that audience. I must step up to the plate and start asking for sound persons on upcomming productions.... which as of now are all on hold until these two movies are edited and the www is up and running.

Today I did set dressing preperation for a Columbia student film project. I will help again as a set dresser this wed, thurs. Its a story about an immigrant and obtaining photo ids that would make him a legit american.

This weekend I am helping out a different friend by being a pa (production assistant). Its for a semi-known director who's works has recieved attention at the Sundance festivals. Its a spec for a perfume commericial, very high budget. I wonder tho esp when it comes to specs, whats the ideal expectation of a budget used in these kinds of shoots? So far I did a campy comedy, a music video, several student films and now a spec. Yay! Fattening up my resume, knowledge, friends, networking and making use of this free time before the fall kicks in.

After I am done this week working, next week I plan to visit the folks in PA. (Yes, of course I am thinking about all of you! and MISS YOU all too).

Tonight the Tin Man is coming by. Cain, the Tin Man and I will be hitting some friend's party downtown, west side by the water. I havent been to a party in so long! I plan to spend most of tmw with my sweetie! I've gotten hooked on Chess! Like any other games, once you know the rules, and the probability of various moves it becomes more engaging. Maybe I sound nerdy, don't care!

Hearing and Deaf relationships like many of you know are often more difficult due to communication differences. Imagine not only having a different belief system but a different language on top of that! My understanding of English in many ways is still poor. I am reminded how phrases I say, are out of date but to me, they are often new. For example if I watch any tv shows/movies from the 70s and 80s I didn't have closed captioning so I had no clue as to the story line. Now thanks to Nick @ Nite, I can catch up and learn pop cultural phrases of America during those decades.

I don't know who said it or signed this quote but they were right; "Deaf people are foriengers in their own land." Meaning most minorities of what have yous, are not born in America. Immigrated, etc etc. But as deafies, we grow up in the hearing community, (a large % of us do, exclude deaf families) so we are familair with what works in the hearing community as Americans. But for adaptation needs we require more visuals than hearing people need in the area of communication. I am not suggesting that hearing people don't need visuals, that we deafies need more is all. Its a fact we exist in a world where the majority is born one way (hearing) and we were born that way (deaf), or pathological incidence caused our deafness.

The point is, cultural clashes are not fun when you're dating someone new. There s so many rooms for misunderstandings, communication breakdowns and frusturations. But then I look at him and I know deep down this is a short lived adjustment period for us both. You have to work out the differences in a way that is acceptable AND satisfactory to both. Some days are harder than others. I know this is all so foriegn to him. I grew up "hearing" and I remember the shock of seeing large numbers of deaf people at the age of 15 at MSSD. I didn't WANT to be one of THEM. I seriously felt I was in the wrong place. The first few months, went bad for me because I couldnt understand much. I didn't want to learn ASL anyways! I couldnt understand why the others bothered with closed caption options. That WASn'T me in my mind.

The turning point came in an ironic way. After being treated like shit for most of my time at Township (hearing school), my gaurds were way up! I was told I had anger problems. Gee do you think? Yea I was angry. But the point here is, I was at the HC game and some girl from my dorm who was DEAF in all sense of the word, was giving me a hard time. I couldn't sign worth a damn. So I gave her my middle finger and said "can you understand this?!" then it hit me, she didn't like me, me. Unlike the kids I grew up with, I was the girl with the hearing aid that made noises and had cooties etc etc. So I knew WHY they didnt like me. Here at MSSD this other girl was trying to be my friend but frusturated because I wouldn't give her the attention or acknowledge my own deafness. Thats when things began to improve in regards to my place in the world and how I felt about it. Owning up to who I am has made my life meaningful. I am fortunae because along the way I have met many nice hearies and lots of them signed or at least tried. I know I cannot be in one or the other all the time 24/7. As long as there is range, variety, diversity, I will be happy!

And so...

It seems most deafinite that I will be roommating with one other girl here in Manhattan :) I is the HappIeeee. I plan to meet her tmw at 1pm, finalize everything (ie monetary transaction with reciept).

All weekend was mostly two things, the Tin Man and editing. I spent Sunday doing two different voice overs. I was pleased with the results and effort made by the two women that showed up. This was the 2nd time I did this. My technique as a rare deafie who dabbles in the audio world in her little deafie way, is to break up the scenes that contain dialogues. That way the sentences can be spoken seperately. But if it was long spoken pieces I would leave the scene as intact as possible without compromising the scene itself. I had already read somewhere that sound quality can make or break a movie. Meaning if my audience is primarily hearing or if my work is at all intended for that audience. I must step up to the plate and start asking for sound persons on upcomming productions.... which as of now are all on hold until these two movies are edited and the www is up and running.

Today I did set dressing preperation for a Columbia student film project. I will help again as a set dresser this wed, thurs. Its a story about an immigrant and obtaining photo ids that would make him a legit american.

This weekend I am helping out a different friend by being a pa (production assistant). Its for a semi-known director who's works has recieved attention at the Sundance festivals. Its a spec for a perfume commericial, very high budget. I wonder tho esp when it comes to specs, whats the ideal expectation of a budget used in these kinds of shoots? So far I did a campy comedy, a music video, several student films and now a spec. Yay! Fattening up my resume, knowledge, friends, networking and making use of this free time before the fall kicks in.

After I am done this week working, next week I plan to visit the folks in PA. (Yes, of course I am thinking about all of you! and MISS YOU all too).

Tonight the Tin Man is coming by. Cain, the Tin Man and I will be hitting some friend's party downtown, west side by the water. I havent been to a party in so long! I plan to spend most of tmw with my sweetie! I've gotten hooked on Chess! Like any other games, once you know the rules, and the probability of various moves it becomes more engaging. Maybe I sound nerdy, don't care!

Hearing and Deaf relationships like many of you know are often more difficult due to communication differences. Imagine not only having a different belief system but a different language on top of that! My understanding of English in many ways is still poor. I am reminded how phrases I say, are out of date but to me, they are often new. For example if I watch any tv shows/movies from the 70s and 80s I didn't have closed captioning so I had no clue as to the story line. Now thanks to Nick @ Nite, I can catch up and learn pop cultural phrases of America during those decades.

I don't know who said it or signed this quote but they were right; "Deaf people are foriengers in their own land." Meaning most minorities of what have yous, are not born in America. Immigrated, etc etc. But as deafies, we grow up in the hearing community, (a large % of us do, exclude deaf families) so we are familair with what works in the hearing community as Americans. But for adaptation needs we require more visuals than hearing people need in the area of communication. I am not suggesting that hearing people don't need visuals, that we deafies need more is all. Its a fact we exist in a world where the majority is born one way (hearing) and we were born that way (deaf), or pathological incidence caused our deafness.

The point is, cultural clashes are not fun when you're dating someone new. There s so many rooms for misunderstandings, communication breakdowns and frusturations. But then I look at him and I know deep down this is a short lived adjustment period for us both. You have to work out the differences in a way that is acceptable AND satisfactory to both. Some days are harder than others. I know this is all so foriegn to him. I grew up "hearing" and I remember the shock of seeing large numbers of deaf people at the age of 15 at MSSD. I didn't WANT to be one of THEM. I seriously felt I was in the wrong place. The first few months, went bad for me because I couldnt understand much. I didn't want to learn ASL anyways! I couldnt understand why the others bothered with closed caption options. That WASn'T me in my mind.

The turning point came in an ironic way. After being treated like shit for most of my time at Township (hearing school), my gaurds were way up! I was told I had anger problems. Gee do you think? Yea I was angry. But the point here is, I was at the HC game and some girl from my dorm who was DEAF in all sense of the word, was giving me a hard time. I couldn't sign worth a damn. So I gave her my middle finger and said "can you understand this?!" then it hit me, she didn't like me, me. Unlike the kids I grew up with, I was the girl with the hearing aid that made noises and had cooties etc etc. So I knew WHY they didnt like me. Here at MSSD this other girl was trying to be my friend but frusturated because I wouldn't give her the attention or acknowledge my own deafness. Thats when things began to improve in regards to my place in the world and how I felt about it. Owning up to who I am has made my life meaningful. I am fortunae because along the way I have met many nice hearies and lots of them signed or at least tried. I know I cannot be in one or the other all the time 24/7. As long as there is range, variety, diversity, I will be happy!

Mother Nature's Vegenance.

It never stops amazes me how weather can impact even the most advance civilization, bringing it to its knees. Last night about an hour before everyone was to meet for dinner, it was thundering and lighting. I was hoping it would be quick and painless. Not so, it pounded the ground that it came back upwards. Remember in Forrest Gump, there was a scene with all the different kinds of rain they faced in Vietnam? Yep, this was the kind where it even with the biggest umbrella, youre gonna get wet.

Anyhoo, god bless my friends. Many did make it, 8 of u s. Most of us were soaked or near so. Poor Vess he had to change his shirt before he joined us to eat. The company at dinner as always was gracious. My birthday was WONDERFUL for the most part. But the rain kinda killed the mood. Dinner was nice, I was luckily I think I was able to talk with everyone. (It was hard to be sure?). Then because everything started so late and DST, things kinda fizzled and we all called it a night.

Luckily there was a "round 2" the 2nd crew arrived at the apt, where the Tin Man, Szymanski and I are all hanging. King, Peep, and one other friend later came by which relieved me cuz who wants to be old and go to bed. BOrIng. Kill me if I ever become ordinary. Funny, now that I think about it, Blondie makes every now and then promise to "slap her upside the head" if she ever does this or that. "Friends of feathers flock together," eh?

I thank everyone who made an effort on a lousy night weatherwise as last night :) If this doesn't show me I have friends, I don't know what would? This year was extra special because for a hearie like the Tin Man (who I am crazy about), still very new to the deaf world, this shows me he cares. That he made the effort and met more of my friends.

Without "Ist"

I remarked to the Tin Man, why I like blogging because to me its a way of reflection. A way to vent or get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper for me to review. I am the first to admit, I am analytical in nature. Most people who dabble in the "psycho-babble" usually are. There's an old joke among college students who major in psychology. "They're there to find themselves." the questions that nagged them or held them back, mental "chains of prison" and so on...

Tonight sub's class went well. The Tin Man met up with me afterwards and we looked at a room for rent. As of now, it seems like a set deal. But I won't fully celebrate or declare it until the check has been handed over and cashed. (ofc I will get a certified bank check).

Well, its official, its ME birthday! Funny this year for my bday was different. I usually begin talking about it a month in advance to the days leading up to my bday. This time was different. I was more into the Tin Man and being with him. Then making arrangements for my birthday. This is good.

Tmw I meet with the FCP instructor and then edit. Around 5pm, I will begin to celebrate with a Japanese Beer that I brought. Yum. I plan to eat Sushi and play pools with friends. A simple bday :) A lot of faces missing this year. Pack, I miss you and I still think about you!

Niagara Falls, Canada

For some reason this picture is one of the 2 bigger ones, the rest of the pictures below were smaller, I don't know why? But what better way for a Leo to make her enterance on her blog?


This is me, at the Ripleys Believe It Or Not Museum. I grew up watching that show, and collect some of the older comic book editions. This was the 5th or 6th one I've touched!!! [Sun 8/6/06]

Am watching "The Last Comic Standing" my guy Josh Blue is still in the final 3! Good luck Josh, am rooting for YOU! [Update: Josh Blue totallyed blew it in my opinion!] I was disappointed because last week when the show was originally aired, it wasn't closed captioned :(

Funny I just experienced de ja vu as I typed the above last sentence. I even remember thinking it even was a Monday. Its ironic when that happens cuz it makes you wonder whether one of your senses was delayed in their transmission of the experience, or if its because you dreamt it ahead of time, maybe its part of the path you planned before birth? Or could it be as in the Matrix, "a glitch in the system?" The answers are endless. I look forward to see how far science gets with the answer on that one in my lifetime. I am already pleased with Space Exploration and deep astronomical studies. To me, it never ceases to amaze me what we have to compensate for the environment thats out there in space. How fragile humans really are. I would give up my right hearing ability to go into space. Oh right, can't give away something I don't have. *rim shot!*

Well the Tin Man and I left last Friday for the wonderous adventures of the Niagara Falls. It was my first time there. I of course have forgotten how to drive a stick shift. The Tin Man was fine with that. Most men I know prefer to do all the driving. I'm content to be a passenger most of the time. We left NYC and somehow drove thru NJ and PA and then back to NY. I joked, we made a full circle! I mostly read and played Spider Solitaire on the Tin Man's pc laptop. He has this GPS navigator that basically gives detailed driving instructions, with various map images as well as modes for you to view the content in. Plus since my Sweetie is a hearie, the program is voice activated so no need to visually see it for him to drive, he can listen. Even tho he posses the ability to hear, it too has its limitations. For example he can't have the laptop too far away from him because then he can't HEAR it at all.

Its interesting because this isn't a deaf/hearing issue but a fact. I view hearing as a skill that one inherits but luck or the draw of the gene. Ok so I didn't obtain the standard "hearing gene" that doesn't make my deafness any more inferior. Just a different way to live. Who honestly can live life like everyone else? There are numerous cultures, languages, countries etc etc that I cannot be bothered by what one general population I reside in thinks is the norm. Instead I view life is like a play, or a movie, (whatever you prefer). We're merely characters for a long written story, each of us impacts the story (life) in many different ways. Does make for interesting drama.

Its true in real life I prefer contentment, but for escapism, I am a reality whore. I love many reality shows. I totally know they're being extended for viewing ratings but thats how I escape thru tv viewing. Better than night time dramas if you ask me. Nothing beats seeing people at their best or worst. If you signed that release form to be on the program. I cannot feel bad for you when it gets twisted around. Duh this is a modern version of gossiping, rumors.

Anyways Friday night we eat dinner, have a dumb ass misunderstanding that lasted approx 20-25 minutes. Yet otherwise I am happy to report that the majority of the 3 day trip went well. I'm proud of that personally.

I prefer to get any stupid stuff out of the way so we both can have a good time. Sure we're polar opposites, but we care enough to try to modify things that we know the other appreciates. And at the same time, it doesn't take away from our individual core beings.

The changes or compromises we make are usually more important to the other than to ourselves. Case in point. I lived in the dorms at MSSD, involved with theater etc etc, so to me changing clothes (not complete NUDITTY unless its the locker room) but down to my undies has never bothered me. I see no shame in the human body. We all have flaws, but in the same way we all are beautiful. I don't care if someone looks. ITS WHEN SOMEONE TOUCHES WITHOUT PERMISSION, THAT IS WHEN ITS WRONG. During the few times in my life as a woman who like every other women out there experiences sexual assualt, molestion, whathaveyous, I had been fullly dressed.

Also in my pov, a person's comfort levels in reagrds to their bodies vary among everyone, based on their personalities and life experiences. (My mother can vouch for me here), as a small child, I was a nudist at heart. She couldnt keep clothes on me and I had a habit of pulling my dress over my head! But in all serious as I write here, I cannot deny that we have different views regarding the human body on how it impacts the world. That his views are no better or worse than mine. And I am aware it bothers him a lot for his own reasons. So I try to make an effort and do what I can to alleviate his discomforts. It doesnt make me feel like I am being put out or that I am "losing my identity." I view this as having consideration for the person you're devoted to. Or in a more flattering way, as one of my many tokens of my affection towards the Tin Man. He too does the same for me, ACTINIUM Style!

Well its late and here are the photos from the weekend;

Here's me in the car on the way to NF. [Fri 8/4/06]


Here's the Tin Man and me, on the Maid of Mist Tour. Yeah I know, where's the friggin falls? Believe me its nearby :) You'll have to take my word for that. At least with the photo you can see the mist from the falls itself. [Sat 8/5/06]

Here's the Tin Man, he's very manly. I dig it. [Sat 8/6/06]

Here's us at one of the 3D/4D theater, the story itself was lame but I thought it made for a fun picture. A little nostalgia if you will. [Sat 8/5/06]


Last but not least, here is another large picture of the Tin Man standing by sumthing Skylon sumthing, unfortunately it was extremely bright that day and I couldnt even see the image on his digital camera. I wasn't able to get it all, the Revolving Sphere part on the top. I know many of you are crushed, but for real jose, the sun was blinding and the heat was murder! [Sun 8/6/06]

Must Add (+) 1 more thing = ...

I forgot to mention in my earlier posting one incident happened at the Red Cross that just goes to show why hard of hearing deafies like myself get caught in the common misunderstanding that as a deafie...

MY SPEECH IS NOT A REFLECTION OF MY HEARING ABILITY!!!!

While speaking to the assistant, she told me one of their instructors knows ASL. I was skeptical for several reasons. One just because someone claims they know ASL, doesn't mean jack to me. For all I know its one of those who volunteer at the Church terping the sermon. I need to see credentials. And secondly, I dont want to be stuck waiting for 1 instructors schedule to be freed up just for me. I rather have a terp. When I explained that to her, she said, "Why no you don't need an interpreter, we're doing just fine, right?" I was like "when Im taking a class, I will need to look up and down to the class materials or demonstration and I need the information without working for it. And what if other students in the class have questions or whatever I cant hear." She looked geniunely shocked by my insistence for an interpreter. This is my right, if I am taking a class in a public setting, I have the right to use the best communication methods for my needs. Funny its the same shit day in, day out. If only it were the Matrix, then I could simply recommend people to check out the programming on deaf culture and ASL and be done with it.

"So used to chaos" - Ronnie

Today I was to meet the hearing film director at the school to scout locations but he didnt show up till 11 25am! See the Tin Man offered to give me a lift over there so I wouldnt be out in the gawd awful heat. We waited in his nice AC car for 20 minutes, I even text messaged the director but no avail. It wasnt till we were driving downtown for brunch did he txt msg me but I figured I was there and I gave him 20 minutes of my time. Besides I am not being paid for this gig so if you can't at least show up when agreed why should I stick my neck out? After a few txt msg back and forth I asked the Tin Man to call him and terp for me, it became quite apparent that the director was bullshitting his answers about being there at 11am etc etc, I gave him the option to come back next week while I was working morning shift because today was my day off from work to edit and I took the time to go and meet him. The director said he would go ahead and scout the location and email me if any problems, so far no emails which means no problems as of now.

After we ate the Tin Man dropped me off at the nearby Red Cross of NYC for me to sign up for several courses. The woman who takes care of terps services isnt in today or tmw. Instead I spoke with her assistance who was a nice lady but couldnt help me much other than to bring to my attention that the Red Cross would be interested in having me be one of their instructor as well so its possible both LaGuardia and the Red Cross could get me work. They also have a mentoring program for Red Cross instructors so that will be excellent support and training. I was given the program coordinator's business card to email her with specifics.

Walked home from 66 st to 80th st, not too long and the heat was ok as long as I walked in the shade. Arrived back and ended up taking a LONG 4 hour nap. I needed it, the past few nights I got maybe 6 hours tops. I am a 9 hour woman! I need the rest, I was talking to Cain and we think people with ADD or ADHD require more sleep because we try so hard to focus at the task at hand (work, cleaning, relationships, etc etc) and for me as well being deaf and around hearies all day, its one long CONCENTRATION attempt. When I am tired I am done, I need to recharge my batteries to 5 bars, not 3!

Now doing some laundry and editing. One of my friends who's voice over I need is leaving next friday the 11th so I only have next week to do it. Tonight I am gonna just edit her scenes only and worry about the others later.

I am feeling better today, got many nice emails from friends. Ronnie in particular sent me a good one who's excerpt I hope she doesnt mind me posting below?

when I finally understood that my baggage is with me at all times I could be fully conscious of my triggers and in doing so I became confident and estemed. To accept that its a lifelong lesson overall is to be realistic to the point of actually appreciating all of those triggers.

So, with that said- I simply told X "I found that I am so used to chaos that I may habitually create it when things get too still/good." After saying outloud what my triggers were it became so natural for me to be aware of them at all times. With my bf now, I try hard to not let our dramas build upon each other by being the "better person" -defined as one who understands how buttons are easily pushed unintentionally and intentionally. As result your esteem is pretty damn good- there is no such thing as a flawless person! A redefinition of "high-self esteem" for me was also helpful. No one has it all made but we can have it all-together.

What is your goal? To be a blank slate (one who doesn't react bec of experience) or to be a person who reacts WITH experience? Note the key word with instead of from. It sounds like you are reactin FROM experience like I did for a long time and sometimes still do when I feel like I'm in over my head and honestly- want to feel bad for myself.

So, honestly you've got a good self esteem and that is not going anywhere- the doubts do not equate a bad self-esteem but rather an uncertian understanding of a new place in your life fitting into the puzzle that sums up YOU.

From Mom;

Just because some greedy, nasty, selfish people lived down to their basic instincts is no reason for you to think so little of yourself. You are everything that they are not. Look at all you have accomplished with your young life. Look at yourself in the mirror and see just how beautiful you are. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. I love you too much for you to think that about yourself. So stop it. Still love you the best. Mom

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give me the much needed pep talk. So the pity party has ended. As the Tin Man told me yesterday, its not all me when we get into these arguments. He has his own issues to deal with, like in the past he was treated so poorly that he vowed never to be treated that way again. So at times I think he gets riled up when he thinks I am putting him down. Not unlike me, eh? Last night I forgot what I said but he thought I was angry, quite the opposite, I was stating my view with determination, not to be angry and I saw he was getting upset so I simply grabbed his knee and replied, "Are you gonna let 1 little thing rattle you like that?" He looked surprised and replied, "I thought you were angry." Then it hit me, I think he confuses my strong feelings with "me attacking him personally", when no in reality, I was stating something that I believed in. Now I realize I must make the effort to let him know I say things strongly but that is all. And I wasn't angry or even annoyed, it was water off my back.

Also I think its ironic because during his childhood he attended a primarily Jewish school who basically looked down on him, where as I went to a hearing school and treated like shit. And here we are dating someone who shares a trait we were conditioned not to like. I also think the Jewish community in NYC is a lot different than the Jews all over the country. As a reform Jew, I know how secular the Jewish community can be. And I am glad the Tin Man isnt at all against Jews but the fundamentalist or those who practice seculsion. Not unlike the Amish Community or some Arab countries, where those in it stick to their own kind.

Tomorrow the Tin Man and I leave for a weekend getaway. I think we will be fine. I am glad we got the BS out of the way earlier this weekend. Nothing is worse then fighting with someone while on vacation, it totally kills the whole experience. Wish us luck!

Validation and more...

Some of my friends have emailed me today telling me I am being too hard on myself from my earlier post. That no one is perfect and the Tin Man has his own issues which I have to consider. The Tin Man wrote to me and I appreciated very much what he had to say; (here's an excerpt from the earlier email.)

"About last night, that's basically what I was saying. I know I'm not perfector the world's greatest speaker, etc. But at the same time I do notice some defensiveness and at times. When it seems that you are classifying me as"everyone else" it does probably cause me to become aggressive with my points. So we're both right/wrong. "

After his email I wrote back saying it wasnt my deafness that I was afraid of pushing him away, but rather the cultural differences. I do not see the Tin Man as the "evil hearie" never have, never will. (he seems to think I do at times. But he merely confuses my frusturations with having to explain the same thing day in and day out and not to him but to the world). I am realistic to know that he knows little about deaf culture and only over time will he grow to appreciate it, perhaps even enjoy it? I do feel better, but still a little bummed. I think its the fact that I am still worried about saying the wrong thing. I find myself having a hard time thinking of the English words over ASL. I know my feelings would be more clear if I could use ASL all the time.

Anyways my friends and the Tin Man have told me to stop beating myself up over it, so I am gonna try. I just dont feel like smiling much today is all. I have tho distracted myself with online chess against the computer. I lose everytime but still I enjoy it.

My hours for next week got changed from night shift to morning shift. Ay yi yi, for 3 weeks I can do it, 9am to 1pm. This will free up my afternoons and evening for the film gig I am volunteering for. I will meet the director tmw to go over some locations for the shoot and the dates. I also plan to go to the Red Cross in person because everytime I call there, they HANG up! Yep the NYC redcross chapter, I know can you believe it?! And what gets me the most is how they say "I don't have time for this!" Exsqueeze me, you dont have time for this? How about me, I have to use it everytime I make a call, VP or online Relay... Christ sakes! And hello, its the red cross, you think with the international participation, they would have an ounce or two of patient for me to get the message across. I just need to request for an interpreter. And hearies wonder why deaf people are angry, gee what do they think could possibly be the reason?

Tonight I will visit Eddie with Blondie, Szymanski, Cain and the Tin Man, shoot some pool and just have some fun. No serious stuff for me, as of today I am allergic to all serious issues. I want to be stupid because "Ignorant is Bliss!"

"Love all, trust a few"

This above quote is by Shakespeare and fits my mood to a T.

Ever since I was a little girl. I have repeatedly had my trust violated by others who I thought were my friends but in actuality they were using me. I made a doormat of myself for a good ten years that as an adult, I have major issues with trust. And being taken for granted. Plus with my first relationship I truly believed

• "Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love."

Virgil, Eclogues
Roman epic poet (70 BC - 19 BC)

And in doing so I stayed with someone who didn't really deserve my trust and belief in them and I ended up in such a bad place by the end of it that I vowed never to truly let my guard down. I felt like I owed it to myself to keep a small piece of me, that no one could ever touch but I see now this isnt working.

• "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough." -Frank Crane.

Now the Tin Man has entered my life but my own insecurities are spilling over to my relationship with him and I am afraid I may inadvertly push him away because I am so scared of being hurt again. I have had too much hurt in my life that I just have a low tolerance of it. I know he is trying hard to put up with me and my defensive nature. I have to learn to trust him and let go of control. I know there's a chance I could end up with a broken heart again and the mere idea of it, scares me to no end. And it upsets me because I don't want to mess it up with him or for him to think my inability to fully trust someone is in anyway a reflection of who he is but rather who I was and I need to calm down. I know everyone has issues and I am overly sensitive, I wish I wasn't. Sometimes the sadness and being scared takes over and no amount of rationality or without a lot of assurance can I then let go and believe things will be ok. Because when I did so in the past, it only came back to haunt me and make me feel like a fool. Someone who wears their heart on their sleeves and deserves whatever happens to them.

I also spoke to someone who has ADHD themselves and he mentioned that people who have ADD/ADHD are often overly sensitive based on their past interactions that as an adult, we easily pick up on other people's feelings. I think this is very true, if the Tin Man is trying to tell me something important to him or something that really matters to him in a serious manner, I almost feel as if I need to defend myself instead of realizing he is just trying to make a point and that in my perception I see it as an attack. He has a strong personality and doesn't exactly say things gently so I get my feathers in a ruffle and my defenses go to Red Alert *imitates Star Trek alarm*

I grew up hearing the quote by Groucho Marx;

• "I sent the club a wiring stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DONT WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. "

Basically this means, if you like me, whats wrong with you? I guess my ego needs a boost of self-esteem and a dash of confidence with a sprinkle of self-love. I spent so many years believing I was not worthy of anything. I can still remmeber wishing so hard to be invisible and burying myselfs in books while I was in a hearing school. God bless my family for their efforts and they tried hard to install a sense of self-worth but it was my experience in the hearing world as a child that it has fucked me up. I know looking back now, I was a victim of circumstances and the time period. Children are naturally cruel. One can look at Lord of the Flies the movie and know that as children we are savages.

Still one cannot logic with the heart and I am trying not to take the easy way out and say. Hey, this is what happened to me so what else can you expect. But rather, this is what happened to me and I am trying hard to work on my issues because of it but it doesn't excuse my future mistakes at all. I just need to be aware of this and try to recognize when I am reacting out of fear of being hurt or whether or not I am reacting justifiably?

The only good news I can give myself is my bark is worse then my bite. Basically even if I react badly to something, I do not dwell on it nor do I keep score to berate the other further down the road. I can only know that yesterday has already happened, and I am trying my best today and tmw is a new day to try again. I am like a bear, I will howl and growl but I will not attack, simply I will more likely to try to nuzzle my way into your good graces or view whatever it is I did wrong by owning up to it, apologizing and moving on. I mean sure I could beat myself up, and I obviously do because its still on my mind today after some poor words were exchanged last night because I thought he was trying to accuse me or judge me and I have been both many times in the past that I immediately got defensive and felt like "hey wait a minute, I came out to have a good time not fight." and instead we ended up arguing and it was so dumb. I thought he was trying to change me or put down my way of life but he later explained he was thinking outloud and needed my reassurance on the topic that there was nothing to be worried about.

And he's right, in some weird messed up way, I am waiting for things to go wrong to say"aha! I knew it!" and I dont want to, how can I change this? Do I need to go back into therapy? I've said all I could about the past and I thought for the most part, I have put it behind me. Yet it still creeps up and spills into my everyday life. I know also for me, time is a major player when it comes to trust. All of my good friends who I trust deeply I have known for more than 10 years. In rare occassions do I trust someone within the first 6 months to a year. I've only made 1 friend before I left from MD to move to NYC that we clicked and my trust in her was unwavering. But this is an exception to the rule. I wish I could trust the Tin Man without any doubts, but its only been a little over 2 months. If he can be patient with me and not take my defensive reactions so personally I might be able to overcome this deep rooted fear of mine of being hurt? I know he has issues of how he was treated in the past so my issues do not help his at all but only make it worse!

Wow I am feeling very depressed today and like unsure of what to do and how to make it better? This weekend we are going out of town for a small vacation. I am worried I will cause it to go badly as I did last night and I don't trust myself right now to say the right things or react the right way. I almost want to tell him he's better off with someone less damaged so he doesnt have to put up with my shit. He's a great guy with a bright future, he doesn't need me to bring him down. I am still somewhat trying to figure out whats so great about me that makes him stay? I have no real income, no place to live, low self-esteem issues and so on what could he possibly see? Sure I know I am fun to be around, and I always have a wide variety of interests and hobbies and interesting points of view but surely thats not enough. And then to make it worse, I think sometimes he doesn't approve 0f me and it gets me more upset. I've made peace with myself when it comes to my way of life and my beliefs but I know the world overall thinks I am a fool with a devil may care attitude. I've spent too many years making other people happy that I can no longer do so without losing myself. I know thats another thing that scares me about being in love with the Tin Man is that I will lose myself and it took me a LONG time to get here. I think I have become reduant with this posting, basically to sum things up;

• I have low self-esteem so my defenses are always up
• I react before thinking sometimes
• I wonder what he really sees in me that makes it worthwhile for him?
• I want to make things right but I don't know how
• I get flustered easily when my words or sentences are used against me or I am asked to remember specifics because having ADD means I cannot memorize specifics but the overall bigger picture and my feelings from it.
• I will keep trying and I hope the Tin Man can give me time because that is the best present I can have. Nothing else but time will allow me to lower my defenses and learn not only to love but to trust.
  

Checkmate!

Yesterday was a good day, got some editing done which is always good. Am currently researching FCP classes. I will meet with one instructor this Friday for discussing which class would be ideal for me. I like this program because it is 1 on 1 training which means I don't have to worry about gettting a terp and I can customized it accordingly. I am leaning towards the 6 hour course and breaking it down to 3 two hours meeting instead of 2 three hour meetings? And I will also sign up for the Red Cross 1st aid, CPR training review for becoming a certified Red Cross instructor. This will give me more work opportunities.

Last night Szymanski came by for dinner, Cain was a sweetie and cooked us all pad thai with peanut sauce and shrimp. Yum! Then Szymanski and I went to a nearby Victoria Secrets for me to use up my gift certificate that I recieved last April after my surgery.

Today I am back to work at Media. Its nice to see my co workers and it seems for the month of August I will be the floater, basically covering other people's shifts while they are on vacation.

Tonight I will see the Tin Man. On Sunday (2 nights ago) he gave me a refresher in playing Chess. Of course I lost because I have never been good at stragety games but ironically I think my RPG (role playing games) have improved my stragety methods. I am ready for a rematch tonight!

Gonna go hunt for my web designer now... latah!