The Grief Limbo Continues

I feel like I've been to war and back since my beloved 94 years old grandmother Baba who died Nov 5th. I have adulted more in the last 2 months than my entire life!
- Less than a week after Baba died got both an inner and outer ear infection on the same ear I wear my hearing aid! Which made me feel lonely among my hearing uncles and aunt
-Sorted through 90 plus years worth of things by donation, give to family, friends or neighbors and that was heart wrenching to slowly disassembled Baba's home
-took care of the cremation services and picked up Baba's ashes
-I wrote with my uncle's feedback and paid for her obituary
- I bought 3 plots for Baba, my Mom (who died 3 years ago)
- I put a deposit down to have Baba's and Mom's ashes laid to rest and started a 3 years interest free payment plan for my ashes when the time comes
- finished teaching, gave final exams and did end of the semester course grades for 100 students a few days before Xmas
- got the paperwork for Baba's estate lawyer and finally met with her on Dec 30th
- dealt with Baba's online financial accounts for the estate lawyer
-gathered all the photos, mementos, journals, important family documents,  letters and my 2 uncles and I spent 6 hours wading through it all! I then carefully pack up what we decided to keep for safeguarding
- packed up everything I wanted to keep and hired movers to move from PA about 90% of Baba's furniture which is much nicer than anything I've accumulated in the 16 years in NYC
-dealt with the movers 5 hours last Tuesday January 5th and again yesterday January 8th for 3 hours which meant I only had an air mattress, a camping chair to use while waiting for my things to be delivered. All the old furniture was removed because I was told it would be the same day move and it wasn't!
Now I just need to unpack and I'm struggling to stay motivated, I am still very bereft! I have been eating my feelings ugh which sucks cuz I lost 16 lbs right before Baba died and now I don't know if I've gained it all back or not?
The worst part of it all is I feel so alone and anchoredless! I was Baba's caregiver for many years. I am an only child, never married, no kids, don't know my father or that side of the family. I have my 2 uncles and 1 aunt and 1 cousin far away! And none of them live nearby but I will try to continue to visit monthly. Difficult with COVID-19 rising!
I want to stress that my one uncle and aunt went above and beyond the call of duty and without them I would not have finished this in a somewhat timely manner. And my other uncle helped some too but I think it was too hard for him to be active in it all.
Before Baba died and we knew it would be soon, she said she was so sorry to have to leave me all alone. And that's how I feel, alone even with my cats, friends, 2 different guys in my life I still feel alone. This post isn't to garner attention and I know after enough time goes by, it won't hurt so much. But right now it hurts and it waxes and wanes. I can function but I have no joy. 

My Sexy German and New Year's Eve 2020

Sadly it took Baba's death to bring is back together again only this time we are doing much better these last 2 months. 

I will move Baba's things to NYC on Jan 5th. It is a bittersweet feeling of grief and excitement. Grief to say goodbye to Willow Valley Retirement community and the friends I made there and the finality that Baba's being gone. Even now as I write this my eyes tear up and start run. I have no regrets, I was here almost every weekend after Mom died, I made sure Baba had whatever she needed. We were best friends and I miss her and Mom everyday! But it is also exciting to return to NYC and have my true love in my life again. 

I picked my Sexy German purrs up last night and we came back to Baba's apartment to catch up on the news as he had gotten COVID-19 right after my last visit and the flu from his kid and grandkids visiting the day after I last saw him 2.5 weeks ago.  And while we message all the time, some things I save to share in person. I also got to show him some journal entries from '91 and '92 when I was 17 years old and wrote about him and my 1st kiss with him was surprise on the cheek! Even then I was sweet. One part I wrote that he bought his younger brother with him and I stated that I thought my Sexy German (I didn't call him that back then) was 100xs cuter than his brother! It is a delight and a blessing that these journals I thought were lost are still here. I found them in the very last unopened box from Kent Gardens where Baba used to live but we never opened it after she moved here and I have to get everything out of her home!

Back to my New Year's Eve, despite either of us having much energy we had a great time. After we talked I gave him a choice, sex now then the movie or watch the movie and sex later. However he requested a belated birthday sex activity  request and I explained that if he wanted that, we better do it now before we got too tired. So we did and it was fantastic! I have enjoyed sex with him the last 2 months more than the sex the last 2 years with 2 different 31 year olds! 

We watched a long, complicated movie called Tenet. It was hard to follow. We had to pause it at 11:57pm so I could watch the New Year's Eve ball drop on tv and took pictures of us at that time too. 

Around 1230am we headed back to his place where I dropped him off. I may get to see him more time the day before I leave but I doubt it. His health is not good. 

However I'm so glad he accepts me living in NYC. And there is no financial pressure to have to support him, his "roommate" which I still think is more than that does and frankly I don't even care! Even if she's still his girlfriend, I have his heart and he has mine. In a way I'm glad he has her in his life for emergency and sorry to be harsh but to pay the bills! I can't be bothered thinking that I am a homewrecker of sorts. I have loved him since I was 14 and nothing will ever change that. She can have him full-time. I love having him part time. 

May 2021 be a better year for us all!

1958 Buddy Holly's Everyday

As I sit less than 5 feet away from both my Mom's and Baba's ashes,  Buddy Holly's song Everyday plays on auto repeat. But I also bawled out my eyes so hard that my nose was throbbing afterwards! I don't think that's ever happened before!

I like to think it might be the pair of them whispering it into my mind's personal DJ!

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday, it's a-gettin' faster
Everyone said, "Go up and ask her"
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way, love's a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way, love's a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
Goin' faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey, hey
Love like yours will surely come my way

Spent 7 hours grading 100 exams,  and another hour or 2 catching up on students video hmk etc..I will be so happy this Thursday to finally be relieved of work for a while and just be able to greive and pack up Baba's things! I only have till Jan 5th to finish up!

Was sick last week but feeling better now. And I was thankful that the COVID-19 nasal swab test was free and negative! Plus they didn't ram it up to my brain! I kind of stopped getting the nasal swab test because I would suffer from sinus headaches for days afterwards. I just got the antibody testing instead!

COVID-19 vaccine, I am always baffled by those who won't vaccinate! As the sticker that I bought for Baba which she loved ny a few years ago read Science doesn't give a fuck what you believe! That's it, science is the closet thing to a religion in my opinion. Because you have to face the facts and data and then proceed from there. 

An Emotional Cost

Being alone so much at Baba's home during my grief and dealing with the uncertainty of where I'll be living? Trying to plan a move based on many unknown variables is super stressful. 

And keeping my head above water at work, I am so ready for the semester to end! I couldn't abandon my students the last 3 weeks but I'm paying an emotional toll by doing so.

The slow agony of dealing with Baba's things these last few weeks, I don't know how much more I can bear! 

I do know when I'm away from Baba's home I'm functioning much better. But thanks to effing COVID-19 and travel restrictions, I can't even take a break! 

But I am grateful for my uncle D who sleeps over every Friday nights and my aunt N on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays. My ex is somewhat supportive but I can't rely on him like when we were together. Despite it all he is a source of comfort. And I still love him, always will. 

Love, Death + Robots

I had a crazy dream where the world was in chaos in some city (not NYC). I'm with my Mom and we are trying to hide outside among the rubble and broken down buildings. And we were arguing, being impatient with each other on where to hide when I look over my shoulder to see Godzilla appear several blocks away. It is night time so you can only see his shadowy figure. There is no sound throughout the whole dream. Funny I'm not scared, in a way I'm happy to be with my Mom even though we are not very patient with one another in my dream. 

Clearly binging on the Netflix's Love, Death + Robots influenced my dream last night. Good series, highly recommend it!

Musical Tinnitus

In the last 6 months I've gone days, sometimes weeks without using my hearing aid. And I noticed my mind often has music playing in the background, repeatedly.  Sometimes it is a song I know, and it could be all the words or just bits of it on auto repeat. Other times no clue what's being sung or what instrumental orchestra I'm "listening" to! Very annoying when my mind plays a song but I can only hear the voice or music not the words being sung or what instruments is being played! A few months ago I asked Baba if she ever experienced that and she said "Oh sure! Everybody has!" Made me feel less cuckoo! And according to the Google search results my mind devoid of sound normally supplemented by my hearing aid, seeks auditory stimulation and thus I hear music a LOT.

Since Baba died I have mostly "listened" to Nirvana's song Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge

I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]
In her false witness, we hope you're still with us, To see if they float or drown
Our favorite patient, a display of patience,
Disease-covered Puget Sound
She'll come back as fire, to burn all the liars, And leave a blanket of ash on the ground. I miss the comfort in being sad [x3]

But this evening Bohiem Rhaspody lyrics specially the following part rings so true how despondent I feel about Baba's death, that she would actually say this in her own words. 

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Problem is I don't want to let her go. I want my person here, my best friend, my heart and soul.

Today my aunt and I went and donated Baba's clothes which weighed 186 lbs! I hope whoever ends up with the clothes enjoys them! 

The most poignant song for me that I can barely listen to in real life since Mom died is Mary Chapin Carpenter song 10,000 Miles and is gaurenteed to make me cry even the 1st time I heard it in the movie Fly Away watching it with Baba about 7 or 8 years ago,  before either of them had died. It evokes such agonizing sense of loss.

"10,000 Miles"

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10,000 miles

10,000 miles
My own true love
10,000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

The parts in bold gets me every time, her voice is so melancholic

I don't want life without my Mom and Baba in it, just so bleak. I know this is grief talking and I'm grateful my recent ex reached out to me and has comforted me as he had when my Bastard Kitty died, when my Mom died and now with Baba. I will always love him despite the many differences between us he'll always be the one I love. 

Things That Happen In 3s

After a fitful sleep this morning I finally willed myself out of bed.  

Eventually I did 5 lesson plans to wrap up my semester. Later today after I get another restless night of sleep. I must try to record at least 2-3 and post them. This should give my students ample time to study for the finals and free up some time to catch up on grading course work. 

I continued to add to the chaos here at Baba's home as I dismantle it. Very heartbreaking process and boy she sure had a lot of clothes! I honestly think I have half as much as she does/did. It will be good to unload approximately 10 large bags of clothes, shoes and purses to a local shelter. Her clothing is mostly LL Beans and Land's End. They'll be put to good use at least than just dropping them off at Goodwill where there is a profit to be made. Somehow I rather see her things be given freely to those in need. 

Earlier I watched a movie with one of Baba's friend and neighbor here. The movie was called Stardust (2007 version) and it was cute. It was good for me to get out of Baba's apartment for a bit. 

Later today at 11am I will meet the lady selling her 3 plots at the cemetery that Baba wanted. I am so thankful for my aunt informing me the local newspaper that people sell their plots! I will finally be able to make plans not only to put Baba's ashes to rest but my Mom's too and a spot reserved for when my time comes to. It gives me a little peace. 

A little Joe/Jo trifecta just occurred to me. See my friend Joe Joy's father just passed away on the 16th. So we have been keeping in touch, tonight Baba's friend's cats, one is name Joe and was all over me tonight. And later today the person I'm meeting to sell the plots is name Jo! I know, superstitious but I am a believer in things happening in 3s!

Utter Exhaustion and Alone

The more progress I make, the more chaos surrounds me. Baba sure had a lot of clothes, well over 7 clear kitchen size bags full of clothes not counting the shoes and purses. I was able to keep several of her sweaters, most of her clothes were 1 size too big for me. 

I talked with Joe Joy via video chat. He lost his Dad on the 16th so we are both still in a daze and bereft by our losses. It is good that I have someone I can vent to and not feel judge. Unless you have been destroyed by someone's death you can't understand our pain or how weird grief is. 

I am so lonely in my grief. 

Can't be bothered, too much effort

I found a good article that talks about grief and food 

Food as Fuel for Self Care and Healing - Grief In Common

https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/food-as-fuel-for-self-care-and-healing/

The tiredness is head on. I rather not eat than have to try to cook. I barely keep up with the dishes these days.

I hate grief, it messes with my ability to function at the level I want to. I am hard on myself I keep being told this. But I don't know any other way....

What grief looks like...

Time runs differently when bereft!

[From Nov 20, 2020]

Does anyone else suddenly look up in surprise what time it is or even what day it is? Yesterday while waiting at the pharmacy there was a sign saying they be closed Wednesday 11th for Veteran's day. And I'm thinking at the time "today is Wednesday the 11th but they're open!" Then I looked at my phone, oh it is Wednesday 18th. Baba died on Thursday Nov 5th so it is like I lost a whole week in my mind. Even just now I think it is like 630pm but no it is almost 1030pm! 

The other day it was a Tuesday but in my mind all day it felt like it was Sunday!

I keep losing time. I feel like one of those figures in a video that doesn't move but the background is sped up to show long passage of time but the person hardly moves.

How do I love thee?

I NEVER thought I be back with my ex almost 2 years later. On Nov 5th my beloved 94 year old grandmother Baba passed away and was my best friend for decades, she helped raise me etc etc. My ex bf whom I have loved since I was a teenager, his Mom had texted me 2 days after Baba died and I asked her to inform my ex that Baba died. He sent me an email expressing his condolences and asked if there is anything he could do? I wrote back thanking him and 1 thing led to another where we made amends for how things ended almost 2 years ago due to many factors. And he admitted that he had put too much of a burden on me and a lot of his anger had nothing to do with me. We met up yesterday and he let me cry my heart out as he knew Baba well and my family dynamics. We agreed we still love each other a lot and while we want very different lifestyles we want to try to make it work again under new terms. For example he no longer is asking me to live with him or move out of my city. He seems open to continuing a LD relationship with me etc and it felt so good to be with him all day yesterday. We have agreed to take it nice and slow. I asked him about his anger and depression and he says he has mellowed out the last year or so and with his roommate (yes the former heroin addict) his life is much more stable as he isn't stressed by money all the time. And he finally got a diagnosis of ALS which explained a lot of his health issues when we were together last time.
He also swears they're are not and never were together, just friends and roommates. I admit I'm not 100% sure I believe him and we are not exclusive. I'm still dating another guy in NYC but he doesn't compare to my ex!
My ex bought me dinner and a movie and we spent the day cuddling, catching up and he helped with my grandmother's things that I'm donating to local shelter. He's been my rock the last 2 weeks, msgs me and tells me he loves me often! I must be just as certifiable as he is! This is our 4th time at this merrigoround. At least I'm not making promises to him just to please him like I did 6 or 7 years ago. He knows I'm staying in the city 3 hrs away from him. And yet we don't want to lose each other.
I can't help it, I have loved him since I was 14 years old! The heart wants what it wants!

I am also still very bereft. No energy and I keep losing time. Tmw my aunt will go with me to pick up Baba's ashes which I dread. It will be the proverbial final nail in the coffin that Baba died and I'll never see her again. If it wasn't for my uncles, my aunt and my ex, I would just curl up into a ball and sleep away the days. 

Lastly the uncertainty of where I will live come Jan 1st has me even more frantic. My roommate decided suddenly to break the lease and move out of state. We are trying to get the lease transferred into my name but the rental company is giving us the run around! So I am thinking worse comes to worse rent a monthly airbnb and put my stuff in storage. 

I am proud to say so far I've purged or donated many bags of clothes or paperwork to be shredded. I have my stuff, my Mom's and Baba's to go through till the end of Dec but honestly if I have to pony up 1 more months rent here I will. The reason why is NYC eviction starts Jan so obviously the rent will go down. I don't want to spend more than $1400 for a 1 bedroom, and most start at $1600 or more! So stressful. 

Thank G-d I have my kitties and my family, my friends and my ex! Without them I be lost in a downward spiral of despair!

Today my goals are

1- do the dishes

2- do lesson plans to be ready to teach again next week Monday

Anchoredless

Feeling crestfallen and empty to live life without Baba.

All day long there was like a million little things I wanted to share with Baba but I can't.  No one gets me the way she does nor I for her. I have lost my biggest support system left in my life. I loved how forward thinking she was. How I could tell it like it was. No sugar coating, she was instrumental in every aspect of my life. I don't have her anymore and it is soul crushing for me at times. I go back and forth from being okay to snotty teared fest!

Baba was the only who actively signed with me for over 3 decades. I don't have anyone except one uncle who doesn't really use ASL to be so inclusive with me in my family. To take interest to Deaf Culture.  She remarked early last summer when she returned to PA to my uncle. "I was totally thrown into the Deaf world for 3 months no one was hearing everyone she encountered (limited numbers of visitors due to COVID-19) were all Deaf. She said to my uncle it could be difficult and lonely at times thats why she would use her iPhone and make calls. And I upon her request wore my hearing aids more often.  Being thrown in together at the height of COVID-19 outbreak last March plus dealing with my job all of a sudden online was a lot for us at 1st.  I was a tad bit grumpy, thankful that was short lived! 

We settled into a routine and by thr end of May she had had enough NYC specifically the noise. I am grateful for that time we had together so she saw how enriched my life truly is.

I am also so proud of her obituary, I wanted to lovingly capture the woman she was. But my 1 uncle wasn't happy about it. We have made up. Live and let live. 

Ghosts or Living Exes of the Past and Grief

Last Sunday my last ex's mother sends me one of random weird texts with just an odd lookng flower photo attached and no text msg itself. 

I responded back that Baba had just died and to please let my ex know.  I didn't think I hear back from him.i figured he be gleeful that Baba died, 

I almost wonder if my 2nd ex aka the Tin Man would feel that way too? I hope not because the Tin Man treated Baba better than anyone else in his life including myself or his Mom. They agreed on a lot, I used to joke my 2nd ex was born in the wrong era.  

The Tin Man would remind me to be kinder to Baba like that time she bought my new hearing aids and aked what I thought of them.  And instead of being gracious, I was nonchalant, my Deaf pride got in thr way of a loving and expensive gift I was being bestowed. I learned a lot about pride and dignity from both Baba and my 2nd ex.

My last ex has been a good distraction to me but I try not to rely on that solely. I must forge ahead. 

A Dying Breed

Alex Trebek and Baba were part of a dying breed where people carried themselves with class and dignity. We are not just mourning their absences but what they represented from an era long gone past. 

Today everyone is obsessed with looking good and staying young and whoring themselves for fame and money. Manners and common decency has gone out the window or rarely seen by current society standards. 

There is something to be said about maintaining a sense of decorum that seems to dwindle with each passing year and yet another reality show. 

Sure we are being ourselves but we can also be respectful. There is a time and a place for everything.

Nonetheless nothing ever stays still. So I best better evolve or perish. I admired Baba being 94 years old and enjoying her new Android phone over 9 years with iPhone. She also used a laptop, video msg with me, the internet to order groceries and rxes, etc., etc... The rest of my family lives like Ludites practically!  Even my Mom when she was alive was not interested in having a cell phone and impatient with her computer. But she loved talking into her t.v. remote to change the channel and enthusiastically showed me several times.  But my uncles not counting the one in California both hardly use any technology!

I am taking this week off from work to grieve and arranging a memorial service for Baba on Saturday afternoon. It has been a long 3 days. Grief is so tiring. 

Crossing all my Ts and doting all my Is

I realized last night in the early hours of the morning Baba waited until I checked off all the boxes and would be okay if she died. 

Baba got to see my life and my Deaf friends in NYC during the 3 months she lived with me and saw I have a wonderful life and support system there. 

Baba got to see me lose the COVID-19 weight gain and the day before she passed she told me how pretty I was. And the day she passed she remarked how flat my stomach is now. 

Baba got to see me teach online, see how I interact with my students and remarked what a great job I did. How engaged and attentive I am with my students. She remarked that it's no surprise that my students generally love me. 

Baba got to see my raise at work and my retirement funds and remarked that she was relieved I am financially stable even during this awful pandemic!

Baba waited to make sure I be okay without her. I am thankful for her strength to carry on with bad kidneys, several TIAs (mini strokes), breast cancer and embolism clots in her lungs. I don't know anyone else as strong as she was! And yet her mind remained intact and she never lost her sense of humor. I made her laugh all the time. I miss her so much. 

I know it was her time but it doesn't make her absences any less painful.

i Carry Your Heart With Me

[i Carry Your Heart With Me(i Carry It In]

By E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Mom. She adored poetry, how I wish she were here to tell me what she thought of e.e. cummings and his style of prose? 

[This was originally posted on August 19, 2019 blogger messed up this post grr]

My Alice Has Gone Beyond The Looking Glass

Baba passed away quickly earlier this evening.

I was with her in her final moments and told her I would be fine, that it was okay to go. And she let out a final deep breath.

We had no idea she would die a few hours ago. I left the room for less than a minute when she suddenly was acting very strangely and I asked her if something was wrong? Her eyes were large and she shook her head yes.  I pulled the cord and I ran to get the nurse and by the time we got back, she died within 5-10 mins later. I am heartbroken, my uncles are here with me now. We are waiting for cremation services to come and get her body. 

I didn't cry when she was dying and I thank G-d I was able to be strong for her. Earlier today I told her what if life the afterlife there is no cable. But instead you have a remote control and can change the channel and see me teaching on one channel and my Uncle reading a book on another channel? Baba laughed and said that would be "lovely darling"

So my darling Baba, my best friend, my dearest of hearts, may you rest in peace with your Mother, your sister Miriam and my Mom.

"Without Great Solitude No Serious Work is Possible" ~Pablo Picasso

Yesterday marked exactly 3 weeks since Baba and I have holed up in the apt with the 2 kitties. Most days pretty good always something to do, clean, eat, watch,  VP with etc etc but it is not the same as living fully and freely. I'm missing my biweekly adventures with LAD (Lancaster Association of the Deaf in PA), or going to Deaf events here in NYC. I think my last real big Deaf social was in Florida for the FASLTA conference in February. Seems like ages ago! 

I know this is temporary and will pass even if it takes a year or two, but I sure do miss society as a whole! 

Rona, is that you???

My new normal, waiting for live updates with Mayor DeBlasio on NY1 channel with Stacie (Janet's daughter) or Jonathan terping 👍 both are local CDIs here in NYC.
Feeling distressed with several friends already COV-19 infected or suspect they do based on symptoms they're having. Challenging time.
Ended up deciding to make my online classes asynchronous rather than synchronized. Zoom is great for few people but for a class, I am going to take a hard pass.
Instead been using screencastify along with Quizizz (cute free app to make quizzes like a game) and Edpuzzle encouraged my students to use Zoom for weekly practice with a classmate.
I am learning to take it day by day. Not much else one can do under such unique times!  However Baba, my 2 kitties (Callie Maui & Rosie Nova) and I are all still NY strong!!!

Sleep and the lack of thereof

Last August I started my adventure with the sleep clinic and did 2 overnight sleep studies. Turns out I have sleep apnea and on the average stop breathing 30xs an hour! Incredible! I am not overweight and other than my usual upper respiratory maladies there is no medical reason for this! Apparently I take after my aunt Miriam who everyone says I look like, she too had sleep apnea and was skinny! It must be genetic but also explains why I'm always tired too and never feel rested. And what else is depressing is I never reach a deep sleep and my REM stage is nominal, very little unless I'm medicated by something that knocks me out like Xanax or Vistaril. Very discouraging, even my 2nd sleep study report it stated that with CPAP machine I still had sleep apnea incidents so the report stated perhaps a different machine be more beneficial. We will see am currently waiting to see my sleep doctor to discuss my results and find what will help me sleep better at night?

Spinning Out

2020  is here! I can't believe it! Time really does speed up as you age. When I was a kid I thought we be living in the Jetson era! With flying cars and robot servants! Perhaps in another 40 years?

There is a great new series on Netflix called Spinning Out about a family where the mother and one of her daughters have bipolar and damn I binged through that series in 1 day! Why? My ex is bipolar and it destroyed us. Bipolar disorder is a living nightmare. Never ending battle with the insane behavior and triggers that bipolar folks have. I don't miss walking on egg shells or being given the silent treatment for minor infractions that I wasn't even aware of. The lies, the stealing, the gaslighting can erode even the sanest, healthiest individuals to start to question their own self worth. But on the flip side when they're having a good day or when the mania kicks in, they can be the sweetest, most loving person you ever met. The problem is those days are far and few and as time goes by, even fewer. Every mistake you make with a bipolar person is forever etched into their brain and tallied up and thrown into your face again and again and again. Till all you become is this vile being in their eyes and this justifies their atrocious behavior with you and drive you away for good!

Yes I miss my ex, he was one of my greatest love in life. Even with all the bad, the manipulation and the ill feelings at the end was NEVER as bad as my 2nd LTR. My recent ex while hurt me, didn't make me feel bad all the time, everyday, all day for his own enjoyment like my 2nd ex.  He thrives on others misery, he was so angry and spewed hatred every chance he got. When I saw him seveal years back, just being around him bought me back to that dark place I was at when we dated. I feel sorry for his current gf, she's clearly not very bright and like me back then, has low self esteem. I hope for her sake, he's a better man, but I know better. He's truly a sociopath. My last ex has a disorder, bipolar is a brain malfunction. So while it was awful at times, knowing it was the bipolar in him and not his sadistic personality driving the terrible behavior made a big difference.

I have ADD but I take meds for it and have been going to therapy for years now. I am no longer, impulsive, and my self confidence has grown by the leaps and bounds. I am not who I used to be.

If you have someone in your life that is bipolar and others don't understand, tell them to watch Spinning Out just to get an idea. May my recent ex find peace with his choices and may we both over time remember more of the good then the bad!

A Blip On My Radar

A little over a week ago, one of my former flames reached out to me. He's single and we were both texting and video msging everyday for 1 week straight. 

It caught me by surprised, thinking he was still in a relationship so when he contacted me I thought it would be brief and a one time thing but the next thing I know he was confessing all the wrong things in his life but also grateful for many things too. And we asked each other numerous questions and told many personal stories that is shared by lovers not friends. He is a fool to think I would have opened up as much as I did if it wasn't mutual, that level of intimacy! A lot of what he shared with me surprised me too. That he felt so comfortable to do so. I shared but I was always kind of holding back. He flirted a lot,  I didn't.  

And I will not betray his trust. Hope he will not betray mine?

Then at the end he said he didn't want to do anything to ruin our budding friendship. 

Uh like no hun. 

Never would've invested my time or energy during our massive communication period with someone I wasn't interested in. I don't believe in being friends with the ex. I can handle being social media friend from afar. That's it. Even then I sometimes wonder if I want that either?

He tried to make it like I was the one who couldn't "handle" being friends with him. I was like you're the one who can't handle me as I am. I call it like it is and I'm not going to waste my time stroking your ego. We had a lovely reunion, there was no animosity but I know who I am and what I want. 

If I have ever declared my love for you and shared my bed with you for x numbers of years then no we CANNOT be friends. 

Lucky for me I just go back to my wonderful, colorful and vibrant life. And my old flame can continue to flicker from afar. 

My Mourning Will Never End

Since my Mom died, I hardly cry unless it's related to her. Since my breakup,  I think I cried briefly once or twice and it wasn't a really deep cry or depth of despair kind of crying.

But tonight I miss my Mom something awful! Cried so hard my eyes burn!
I don't care, my Mom, I will NEVER stop missing her!

In other news, my daily dedication to walk 4-6 miles has paid off well! I am pleased. And I have a great time playing at several Deaf poker events the last few weeks. I came in 3rd last Saturday night W00t! That made me happy.

Life's Cruelest Irony

Sad but true

It’s strange. I felt less lonely when I didn’t know you. —Jean-Paul Sartre

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. ―Anaïs Nin

Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony. ― Douglas Coupland

I miss being in a relationship way more than I miss my ex. I miss having someone who in many ways serves as a best friend, family, lover etc etc. I miss the affection, the sex, being able to express my love for that special someone. Or to kvetch to, relate to, share my life with, my dreams and ambition and goals.
I miss love and that's probably why it's hard for me to let go when I'm in a relationship. The fear of being lonely or alone has haunted me all my life. Partly due to the way I grew up being bullied and tormented. I used to think it was because I am Deaf but in reality it was due to my ADD and sensitivity. Somehow my mind still struggles to acknowledge that that is an old fear and certainly isn't true anymore. I'm not alone, I'm hardly ever alone. There are so many people who if I made more time for would be more active in my life on a regular basis. And the ones I see regularly keep in touch a lot as it is. I feel overwhelmed sometimes by people in general.

This summer one of my goals is to work on letting go of old, useless train of thoughts and replace them with more realistic, up to date facts. Easier said than done. Nonetheless I am determined!

In other news, this cutie I met back in early February who made it clear from the moment I met him, that he digs me a lot. I was of course flattered, he's hot but 29! I admired the fact that he works full-time and is still going to school. Moved here from Columbia. So he's fluent in Spanish, English and ASL. Now that I'm single again, I sent him a FB friend request as we had originally exchanged text numbers. However I thought better to contact him through FB, more neutral than text. I am not looking for anything serious, a little fun over the summer be nice. After all I'm single not a saint!  😁😘😎

Grey's Anatomy

Wow! Just wow with the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy. Been a long time fan!

Earlier tonight my uncle treated my grandmother, me and his family to the Olive Garden. It was a nice dinner. My nephews are really nice guys. I'm looking forward to getting to know them more over the summer!

On the flip side. Mother's day has arrived and it mostly serves as a painful reminder of my Mom not being here. I do ANYTHING to be with her again. I miss her so much! I have cried some today because of that, compounded with not feeling well and I am still in small ways processing the breakup. Not a whole lot but here and there. I see it more like a chapter that I am ready to move on from!

It's nice having lost 15 lbs over the last few months, been getting a lot of compliments and of course NYC men, they are blatant in how they check you out etc which is always a nice ego boost 😊😎 nonetheless I find myself guilty when I do not meet my daily fitness goals. I never take a day off unless I'm really sick or unwell with my usual maladies etc., etc... It works better if I just do it every day, commit 100%. But the days I don't meet my goals bothers me. It's a struggle to find a happy medium.

Jeopardy's Final Answer

The rain to the wind said, ‘You push and I’ll pelt.’ They so smote the garden bed that the flowers actually knelt, and lay lodged–though not dead. I know how the flowers felt. -Robert Frost

I knew my Mom would be so pleased that I knew the Final Answer on Jeopardy earlier this week which was "Who was Frost?"

I love quotes and poetry as they have a wonderful quality to pinpoint and relate to with whatever you're going through. Words add eloquence to the shared human experiences. 

Found some tonight about how I'm feeling at this time.

You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. – Elizabeth Taylor

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. -Salvador Dali

I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it. -Sylvia Plath

Forging Ahead

The best way out is always through.
--Robert Frost (1874-1963), American poet

Coincidentally Robert Frost was tonight's Final Answer on Jeopardy! Made me feel good knowing my Mom be proud I got the answer right too!

2/3rds done grading exams, such is the life of a teacher. I'll be happy when the end of the semester course grades have been submitted. Then I'll be able to enjoy a little downtime before my hectic summer schedule begins!

Breakup wise,  I don't really think about it much these days. More like being too busy enjoying my life and I'm ready to move on too. Every since I had that ominous dream last Jan my relationship was really DOA. Live and learn.

Boo effing hoo!

So the ex is mad that he had to pay one of his bills instead of me. Boo effing hoo! Cry me a river you piece of sh*t! For once man up! There's no way in hell I would pay for ANYTHING after we broke up.
And he's so deluded to think I don't know about his buck tooth herion lover/ roommate/criminal etc etc.. she and her kids are stupid enough to make everything public including photos that point to his betrayal!
Mostly I've been in great spirits except whenever he contacts me it my mood for a few hrs.
I cannot wait to get my things from his Mom in a few weeks. I won't EVER have to deal with his sorry a$$ again!
I am so glad I trusted my instincts that it be a terrible idea to live with him. I would end up supporting him, no thanks. Been there, done that! I work too damn hard to have a guy rip me off. He took advantage of my generosity by the leaps and bounds!
And yet he expects me to feel bad that his account is overdrawn or that I've "ruined" his week. If I don't matter to him how could I ruin his week? Nope he's a miserable f*ck all on his own. He ruined his life over and over again. I gave a criminal the benefit of the doubt my bad!
I look forward to reading about him in the paper whenever he gets arrested again and goes to prison for a while. It's only a matter of time, the recipe of a heroin addicts and his bipolar anger issues will be a giant disaster. I don't even need karma, it will happen on its own.

Such White Trash!

Well the very next night after I last posted on here, I ended things. I couldn't take the constant rejection I was feeling ever since his female roommate moved in. And the worst part of it all is she's a recovering heroin addict who went to jail for shooting up drugs with her daughter who overdosed and almost died!
This is who he is choosing to spend his free time with instead of me? WTF! I will never again date someone beneath me. I would have never given him the time of day if it wasn't due to our history.
I hate how it ended and today by cutting off the cable, internet and his phone all in my name. He was so furious that I finally blocked him after we picked a date and time for me to get my things. I don't see any reason to continue to communicate.
But I will miss him in many ways. I'll miss his hugs and kisses, our wonderful sex life, having him in my corner, and how he stood by me through 2 deaths, a robbery, a car wrecked and so on.
But the truth is we didn't have much in common. There wasn't alot of bonding over shared activities or interests. He was very antisocial and hated to go to any events or celebrate any holidays.
We loved each other a lot, but it wasn't enough.
I feel like when his roommate moved in that when things deteriorated the way they did. He wasn't making any time for me and it was like I was being punished and I didn't really understand why?!? How can he go from loving me to pushing me away under the guise of an illness but in fact it was due to her! I should have known better but as usual I put up with way too much. I kind of don't trust my judgement when it comes to men.
I am also relieved that it ended. I no longer have to prove my love to my ex. I was constantly trying to make him happy and it never worked.
But I'm also looking forward to meeting someone new down the road. Not now while my heart mends but it won't be that long to heal. Certainly not after finding out he is living with a heroin addict and he blew a good thing with me! What white trash they are. And I don't even care if I come off as a snob. I  have much higher standards.
It's been an emotional rollercoaster ride since the breakup. I've been single for a week now. I'm getting used to referring him as the ex. And I am no longer being taken finacial advantage of!
So I will heal, move on and find someone who isn't a criminal, sociopathic or has serious mental problems.
Life is too short to let this breakup derail me any further.

The Abyss, The Unknown...

Things with my Sweetie have not been going well. He is struggling with my decision not to move in with him. I already played house twice with 2 other boyfriends. I don't need to live with the person I'm dating. It's not worth it! The day by day living with a significant other in my opinion erodes things.
And sadly as much as I love him, I don't want to live with him. And I don't want to live with a smoker, or in the boonies or away from my beloved city and support system. And because of that he has become withdrawn and antisocial. Acting hot and cold has me feeling panicky.
I am not handling it well at all. I miss his companionship. I miss his support. I miss feeling like he's on my side.
It also upsets me because WHENEVER he needed me,  I came through but my decision not to live together somehow in his mind means I don't love him! Christ! I have moved heaven and earth to affirm my love for him.
And I'm sad too because I'm unsure if in 6 months from now we will even still be together?
It sucks the uncertainty of it all.

How Does That Grab You?

I appreciate when an old hidden memory comes to mind related to my Mom. Like how a few weeks ago over Xmas,  I remembered all the fun Xmases we had with my Mom's gay friends back in the 80s and 90s before you could even talk about the LGBTQ community openly without fear some redneck would rope you up and tie you to the back of a truck just for fun or beat the fuck out of you! It was hush hush but my Mom always had gay friends and involved in their drag shows called Stars of Fantasy and they put on a show 1 or 2xs a year to raise money for charity like cancer and AIDS when it was rampant. No one made a dime off of the shows, I loved it. My Mom got to perform and she was terrific, she could be dramatic! Anyways on Xmas day for  years we spend the day jumping around downtown to see her Gays as they say now.
I still remember when my Mom discussed what it was to know a gay person when I was a kid. She said "what they do in the privacy of their bedroom is THEIR business no one else's! They can swing from the chandeliers for all I care!" And I love my Mom so much more for being such a lovely and open minded person and exposed me to all kinds of people outside of my circle.
And then earlier tonight after suggesting some plans for tmw, I ended it with "How does that grab you?" Which is something my Mom used to say to me all the time. I'm glad I remembered as I wrote it cuz it's not a phrase I use often. When I looked it up on Wikipedia,  I found out the following;
How Does That Grab You? is the second studio album by Nancy Sinatra, released in 1966. Arranged and conducted by Billy Strange, the album was produced by Lee Hazlewood.It peaked at number 41 on the Billboard 200 chart.The single, "How Does That Grab You, Darlin'?", reached number 7 on the BillboardHot 100 chart, as well as number 19 on the UK Singles Chart.
Huh who knew? My Mom would have been 12 years old when it came out. Makes me wonder if she used that phrase because of this song? Or was that phrase already around and Nancy Sinatra added it to her song? I'll never know! The many questions that I will have for my Mom and never get answers too. That's a HUGE reason why I feel cheated by her death, there was so much left to say and do!
A lot of whatever people may consider that's "good" in me, I got from my Mom.  I miss her. I don't cry every day anymore but usually at least once a week. Or if I'm feeling emotional or unwell which can be a trigger as well.
But my life is moving forward, I have a wonderful family whom I love dearly, a man who I have loved since age 14, 2 great cats,  an army of friends that range from super close to activity friends where we don't have a lot to talk about unless it's about an activity like teaching or we are doing an activity like going out to an event or biking, or whatever. Plus my job, God I love my job! Even when I'm overworked and underpaid, I still love my job!
Nonetheless I'm still healing from my Mom's death. But I have more good days than bad.  I know if there's an afterlife, my Mom be glad I'm not as grief stricken. But I'll always be mourning her till my last breath. And I hope future dreams where we are together I don't in my dreams remember that she died like I did the last time. Right in the middle of all our fun I suddenly announced to her "But Mom didn't you die" and looked away for a second and she was gone and I woke up with the tears down my face.
Tsk, C'est la vie!

There Are No Do-Overs

The 1 year passing of my Mom's death is fast approaching. After I became functional again a few months ago, I spend a lot of time revisiting the past. I truly start to understand you don't get do overs. Not that I'm living in a sea of regrets, some sure but others are more about reviewing in a sense reliving and appreciating my past memories especially of my Mom. It's true if you live long enough, you start to yearn for the past the way life was. The simpler times as they say. And it is humbling and it sucky simultaneously.
I still cry pretty much everyday but for a brief while I would cry every 2 to 3 days. I know partly it's due to the costant triggers of being in my hometown and having  millions of memories of where my Mom and I went, what we did etc etc.. I greive a lot when I'm alone or at night.
Work will give me relief soon but not till after September 13th or near then. But even so my heart is still broken. I am in no rush to to be okay that she died because I'm not okay. My Mom was a gift to me, I'm so glad she didn't give me up for adoption.
I miss you and love you to pieces Mom! (in case there is an afterlife with internet and you're reading this!)

Beyond Here There Be Dragons

I used to not really be afraid of life until my Mom died then EVERYTHING changed.
The last few months I've actually had 2 panic attacks. Once before a conference in Tampa, Florida last February. It happened the day of the trip. I was stressing so hard about getting there and I had never acted that way before a trip out of town. I am usually super excited about the trip.
Then in the spring moving out of the Bronx back to Manhattan was as for most people stressful but I would find myself overreacting to things that wasn't like me at all! I am not sure if they're panic attacks but now whenever I am traveling esp the day that I'm traveling,  I get really wound up and on edge.
The title of the post is a very old saying
HC SVNT DRACONES" (i.e. hic sunt dracones, 'here are dragons') from Wikipedia. Baba is fond of that phrase. I guess in a way Mom's death took away the last innocence for life and adventure. Don't get me wrong, I'm pumped about my trip to Detroit later this summer and see my old friend and meet my "nephew" face to face for the 1st time.
Overall life is more in Technicolor than grayscale, these last few months I feel like I'm coming back to life. The shock and heartbreak of losing my Mom quickly just sent my world spinning out of orbit. I was shattered and I still had to do a lot of "adulting" such as work, clearing out my Mom's place, dealing with all the holidays without her, then moving out of my place just took a toll on me.  In effort to self soothe I've gained a total of 20 lbs ugh! I was feeling like a whale by April. But then I said I had had enough! And started out by walking all over the city for several miles each day. Then in May I started using the gym specifically the treadmills and stationary bike. I am happy to say I've lost the first 10 lbs, still have 10 more to go. I also started adding free weights and using the nu -step machine. I try to get my heart rate to 140 or higher using these machines. I do have a lot of physical restrictions so I am sticking to low impact exercises. I am proud of myself for getting this far in only 2 months. I also credit my almost daily (I think I've missed 2 or 3xs) since April eating a LARGE salad with only apple cider vinegar and olive oil or rare occasion lemon juice which goes well with salads that have berries on it, yum yum. I've given up on pork over a year ago, will eat turkey bacon but it has to be good quality, not the cheap stuff. But my weakness is sweets late at night which I know now is due to my efforts to self soothe.  I've cut way back on it but there's still some nights I can't stop eating! Usually I notice this happens when I'm craving chocolate but there isn't any. So ill keep trying to satisfy that craving with all this other food that's not chocolate and doesn't satisfy me. Now I am sure to keep chocolate on hand and that seems to do the job.
And God bless my boyfriend, he never once made me feel fat or unattractive when I was at my worst! I did get to the point where I didn't want to be naked in front of him and I'm happy to report thats not the issue now. Not that it ever affected our sex life. I LOVE my Sexy German always!
I saw a great quote about exercise that I use as a mantra sometimes when I want to give up working out before the timer is done on the machine sweat is just fat crying I also remind myself if my Mom can lose 100 lbs on her own in 3 years I can lose the 20 lbs I've gained. I'm doing this for you Mom!

Shabbat Shalom to Mothers Everywhere!

Earlier today on the 4 train (I live in NYC) I saw an older lady with two other women,  so I offered my seat as the train was crowded. She politely declined. One of the ladies thanked me,  so then I asked if that was their Mom? She said yes and it just brought out the tears and I explained my Mom hadn't died too long ago.  They were so sweet, gave me a napkin and when the seat freed up.  The Mother sat next to me and her daughters in front of us. I  showed them my Mom's picture they remarked how pretty she was! When they got off the train the one daughter said God Bless you,  and I said to you too, she said God is with your Mom <3

As Mad As A Hatter

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.– Alice [from Wonderland]

Big changes on the nearby horizon. However my patience threshold these last few weeks has been crap. Looking forward to moving pass this literally. Goodbye the Bronx, hello Manhattan!

From a post on FB

I wish.......
That I could phone Heaven, just once even, and ask my mum if she is ok and happy. I’d tell her how much I love her and that I miss her. I’ll tell her I wish I’d hugged her more and spent more time with her. I’d ask her about all the questions I have, that are unanswered.
She’d tell me that she’s with my dad and my grandparents and they are all very happy. She’d tell me it’s ok to clear the family home of all her things, that they don’t matter.
Shed tell me to be good so that I Can join them all one day soon.
Then I’d be ok.
That is EXACTLY how I feel with the exception of what family members be in the afterlife.
I am still here in a strange sort of monochrome existence. Work brings relief as always but I still struggle with being available socially for my program. I know it will only get better as time goes by.
For my Mom.  wherever she may be, I LOVE you Mom, I miss you so much, I do ANYTHING to have another one of our days together. I'm still heartbroken. How could I not be?

The Truth Is Like A Lion

I've come across a few quotes that I like;

The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.
-St. Augustine of Hippo

If I had a single flower
for every time I think about you,
I could walk forever in my garden
-Claudia Ghandi

You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.
-Alan W. Watts

There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness,
but of power.
They speak more eloquently
than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers
of overwhelming grief
and unspeakable love.
-Washington Irving

The Sunshine State

I had such a good time these last 2 days and met so many cool folks here at the ASL professional development conference in Tampa, Florida!
I'll admit I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, it's been hard for me since my Mom passed away 5 months ago.
I'm still grief stricken but at the same time maybe I've turned a corner too?
I just need time. It's hard to learn to live your life without your biggest fan and support system. I loved my Mom so much I couldn't imagine a better one than mine. Her absence has devastated me so I'm still picking up the pieces.
This weekend, the conference, the wonderful people I got to meet or see old faces, all the information I learned and so forth in a way is helping me put those pieces back together again.
I'm glad I took a chance and went outside my comfort zone. And I look forward to attending the next ASL professional development conference in the Fall of 2018!

Life Asked Death...

Life asked death, “why do people love me but hate you?”, death responded, “because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.” -author unknown

[This was posted Spring 2018]

It's been about 5 months since my Mom died and in many ways I'm still shell shocked by her sudden demise.
Last night the Olympics started and it was just another trigger, another figurative nail in the coffin that my Mom is dead.  And I won't ever get to watch the Olympics with her again.  Baba's been having a go of it with losing Mom too. It is almost like a delayed reaction to Mom's death and I'm doing the best that I can to be a source of comfort to her. No one in their 90s should have to deal with such a loss. The only comfort we both take is she doesn't have to live with this knowledge much longer where as I (if I'm lucky enough healthwise) to live another 40 or 50 years without my Mom.
I miss her terribly, not a day goes by that I don't think of her. And most days I still cry because how could I not? She was my Mom and such a force of life. Losing her has been the most painful thing that's ever happened to me.
But slowly I'm coming back to semblance of vivacity. I'm still very anti social and being in chronic pain doesn't help. 
On Valentine's day this year, much to my Sweetheart chagrin and protest I'm off to Florida for work. I'm kind of looking forward to the trip. And I'm kind of dreading it too. I'm in no mood to make small talk with numerous people I don't know and probably never see again.
And I'm concerned that with the chronic pain I've been in and staying with a friend of a friend that I will be at the mercy of other people's schedule. Which is something I hate as well.
Nonetheless the change of scenery from the city and my home town will be a welcome respite.
In other news, work is going really well. I am pleased to have several teachers such as myself who constantly want to upgrade their craft and knowledge of the language as well as teaching methods and course content. I have always been a fan of collaboration.  Be it at work, or when I would film a short movie or at a Deaf camp of sorts. Two or more heads always better than one.
I am also making more of an effort to receive professional development training via 1 on 1 instruction. What I've been doing is looking at workshops available at my school and then contacting whoever is in charge of giving said workshop. Recently I took "Creative PowerPoint" which was really handy for my lesson plans. I'm also looking into more administrative training as well.
I used to say I was lucky to have the job that I do. I don't say that anymore because it wasn't luck, it was the hard work and dedication I've given to my job for the last 10 plus years! I'm learning as time goes by not to underestimate myself. I am a damn good teacher and program coordinator, I was a wonderful daughter to my Mom, I am loving and kind to my family and friends and my Sexy German too.

At Last It's Past

Got through the holidays as well as expected. Spent New Year's Day putting Mom's ashes in small keepsakes vials.

I'm still here but MIA socially. Many friends check in on me but since my Mom died,  I only talk to 5 people outside of work regularly. I just am too drained by the grief and chronic pain I'm in due to various maladies. 

On the flip side work has gotten better, I'm still not overly interactive with my colleagues. But I am doing my administrative duties quite well and my classes ended on a great note for the Fall semester. My first week of classes for the Spring semester was easy enough too.

Baba shared with me this quote that I immediately liked "Do not suppress your tears for they wash away grief" from the Victorian times where death among young people was everywhere.

Hoping 2018 is a better year all around!!

My Ambition And Grief Do Not Mix

It's been a rough go at work this school year. Before Mom got sick so suddenly I was ready to take my program to the next level. With having attended that 5 day conference in Salt Lake City, it lit a fire in me. I had plans,  I was ready to conquer! And be more accessible with my large number of instructors.

But death came and took it all away.

Now I am anti social,  still give 100% in my teaching and lesson plans. But most of my program coordinator responsibilities are on hold. I am involved in a few small work related projects so I'm not slacking off. But the truth of the matter is,  I am bereft and will be for a while.  And teaching primarily right now is about all that I can handle. I'm fortunate my boss is the BEST! A week ago before Thanksgiving I tried to reassure her that spring semester I'd be better [at my job] but she shook her head no.  Said it will be a long time before I'm okay. She's right.

Still I struggle with feeling guilty for not doing a "better" job. But there's no reason for me to feel this way. I'm well within norms to not be who I was before my Mom died. I continue to work on this, why my faulty thinking won't allow me to cut myself a break?

Nonetheless I'm very proud of myself for working my way up and being driven and dedicated to my career.  I know my Mom was too! The Saturday afternoon she was in the ER with my uncle D... she met a technician there.  So two nights later Monday when I called 911, and we were in the ER, the same technician was there again. My Mom wasn't in her right mind when he came in but he remembered her.  Then asked me if I was J...? a college professor? etc etc... he told me how proud my Mom was of me and talked up a storm about me <3

Maybe if I try to remind myself,  a year from now it will all be different. Perhaps that will alleviate some of my self criticism? Only time will tell.

"I still love you the best" ALWAYS

This year's Thanksgiving was a quiet one without my Mom.  She kept the conversations going. I still miss her that it aches.

She used to end her emails with "I still love you the best" the story goes somewhere in my childhood while my Mom was mothering one of my friends. And in my mind I thought she liked [loved] them more than me.  So after I asked her one day about that,  she replied "I will always love you the best!"

And for many years in fact decades she often ended her emails that way.

This Tuesday will be 11 weeks,  but I lost her 13 weeks ago. The night I had to call 911 marked the beginning of the end. And despite a short conscious period,  she was never 100% herself.  One day she be overly accommodating saying she do whatever she needed to get better again. Then the next day she be uncooperative to the nursing staff.  I don't blame her! She suffered a lot at their hands. Not that I fault them, well I kind of do! Specifically the nurses on the 4th floor really fucked up. But the ICU nurses were great.

I'm glad, thankful (pun intended) that Thanksgiving is over. The 2nd of many firsts for the next year...I hate it. And so it goes

10,000 Miles

By Mary Chapin Carpenter

Fare thee well
My own true love
Farewell for a while
I'm going away
But I'll be back
Though I go 10, 000 miles

10, 000 miles
My own true love
10, 000 miles or more
The rocks may melt
And the seas may burn
If I should not return

Oh don't you see
That lonesome dove
Sitting on an ivy tree
She's weeping for
Her own true love
As I shall weep for mine

Oh come ye back
My own true love
And stay a while with me
If I had a friend
All on this earth
You've been a friend to me

Tuesdays And I Aren't Friends Anymore

Today marks 9 weeks since my Mom died. Tuesdays and I aren't friends anymore.
I have only been talking to a few close friends and family. I have a lot of friends especially a few who also lost their Moms. But as much as I want to reach out to them,  it seems like too much effort. I was never one with boundless energy but since my Mom died, my fatigue level is amplified. Social interaction on a superficial level or for long periods of time isn't ideal for me these days. It just seems harder and harder to not become further withdrawn and antisocial. Often I just want to be left alone from 95% of the people I come across. This isn't like me normally.

Growing Pains

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

– Kim McMillen

Staying Present

Someone wrote about their response to grief "I have to stay in the present time or I can't hold it together"
That about sums it up. Tonight makes it 6 weeks since Mom died. Right about this hour I was asked if I wanted to maintain DNR for her? And after learning all the facts and seeing her rapid decline within that hour and a half after I arrived at 8pm, I said yes maintain DNR.
They turned off all the machines and monitors 2 hrs from now at 11:30pm, at 11:40pm, she died.
Every Tuesday since then has been the worst day of every week. 
I miss her so much

Deconstructing Mom's Place

It's been hard slowly deconstructing my Mother's home. On the one hand every time a family or friend takes one of Mom's things I feel good they're taking a little of Mom home with them. However, it's bittersweet to see my Mom's home becoming less and less hers. With each picture I take off the wall or small piece of furniture is out of place, it hurts. I do it in small weekly dosages. Every Saturday afternoon I'm here. I have 2 to 3 weekends left to finish with it all. It will be hard to say goodbye to a home I've been coming to for almost 14 years! Just 1 year longer than I in NYC.
Oh well as Mom would say "J....  it is what it is"

Grief update

I managed to get back to sleep this morning for a few hours...
This coming Tuesday will be 4 weeks since Mom died.  I have been extremely antisocial at work last week and know I'll be so again this week. I don't want to be bothered by anything beyond my job.  I don't want to deal with the co workers and all the extra stuff that I do.
I find my mind to be like a broken record especially when I'm alone or sleeping my mind plays endless loops of Mom. I try to think of other things but to no avail. The crying spells comes and goes. I don't mind,  I'm not going to try to bury my grief, only live thru it.
My Mom's cat Callie is now mine. It makes me happy that Mom knows her cat is with me and will be taken care of for the rest of her kitty life.
I also feel tired and achy all the time. With the dark winter months ahead, I'm worried I'll fall into a major depressive episode.
I'm not sure why I wrote all this but I needed to vent.

The Logistics of Death

I have this month of October to go through Mom's things and what to put into storage etc etc..

I got a lot done at Mom's place yesterday with her kitchen and bathroom. Plus my childhood best friend Paula along with Uncle David made the afternoon bearable. It's so hard to be in her home and she's not there. And painful to slowly deconstruct her home. She lived there for almost 14 years! This was one of my homes and I know with each passing weekend,  I will have to say goodbye to my Mom's place.

Sitting on my Mom's couch yesterday made me ache for her presence so much. We spent many moments in her living room talking, eating, watching tv or movies.  I miss her so much.

Woke up at 5:15am with thoughts of Mom.. Hope to get back to sleep some in a while.

I am also ashamed that I never knew the depth of my love for my Mom until she was gone.

Parent loss grief support

On FB I've joined a support group for those who have lost a parent and it's so helpful. And sad to read other people's heartbreaks.
One woman lost her father and gave him CPR for 20 minutes but he still died last Feb and she feels alone and guilty.
I wrote this as my reply
"My Mom died 2 weeks ago and I was with her at the end. There's a quote that sums up how we feel "if love could have saved you, you would've lived forever" so know we are but fragile and insignificant human beings, mortally flawed but our hearts knows no bounds. Someone wrote the day after my Mom died "grief is love with no where else to go" so know that yours and my grief is just like our hearts with no limits. May you find some comfort with your friends and love ones and vent here anytime. Gentle hugs"
I've been gliding video msgs with friends and am blessed with a great job and co worker support system. Being in this FB grief support group helps me to realize that I am not alone with my grief. And that compared to some who have no one, I am lucky to have so many friends and family that loves me and keeps me from falling to my knees and giving up.

I'm still here, kind of...

Yesterday marks 2 weeks since my Mom died and I'm still struggling so much. All of these memories come rushing back to me and EVERYTHING is a huge effort. I'm dreading going back to work next Monday and dealing with so many people. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. But instead I wake up in random intervals to memories of Mom and my heart keeps breaking off into little shards that cut my soul and spirit. Life without her seems unbearable.
Baba, my 91 year old grandmother, my Mom's mom has been a great source of comfort to me and I to her.
Yet all I do lately is overeat, cry. watch the show "6 feet under" and try to pass the hours so I can go back to sleep.
I try to be comforted by my cat Rosie Nova and my Mom's cat Callie Maui Wowie, who's now mine. But all the joy is no where to be found. I can't get over the future and all the plans we still had and how it's all GONE and I'll never see her again.

"Alive or just breathing?"

Saw the quote In used for the title of my post today. I'm here but not really,  my mind is like a broken record that screams to me in random intervals, Mom is DEAD.

There will be no more specially made birthday cakes, or favorite meals prepared just for me. No more lunches out together, or playing Skipbo or Acey Deucey. No one to watch rom-coms Netflix DVDs or Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy in which Mom knew 85% or more of the answers to. No more corny jokes she heard at the doctor's office or list of errands for me to drive Mom around to. No more holding her hand when there was a big step up or down somewhere, or buying the same pairs of shoes at Payless or cat treats at Wal-Mart for Mom's "spoiled brat" at home,  her ever "demanding royalty" kitty Callie. No more bringing Mom hot honey balls from the Greek bazaar in November or Passover dinner in the spring with Baba and uncle David. No one to sing songs with in the car or make rude remarks about idiot drivers waiting for "a hand engraved invitation" or someone "taking their car for a walk." Or pulling into a great parking spot and remarking "it's the Perlis' luck!" We always get good spots. No more recited recipes or beautifully spoken poetry or Shakespeare. No more sweet smiles and hearing her say "I love you the best" or "I love you to pieces" just a lot of no mores in my future and I'm having a terrible time feeling alive anymore. I'm not suicidal but I'm here kind of.

I'm dreading going back to work next week. My job requires a lot of communications with numerous people and I just don't have any thoughts left to give. I want to be left alone and only feel okay with my family and close friends and I feel like the laws of gravity changed, EVERYTHING is an effort. Both Baba and I  are both deep in mourning. My Mom passed away 3 weeks ago tmw, the memorial service was on Saturday 2 days ago and I'm still an empty shell of who I used to be.

Mom's Memorial

My Mom's Memorial turned out beautifully. And all the people that mattered and cared about her came yesterday. It was a bittersweet gathering and I was honored to be able to give my Mother a proper farewell.
But my heart doesn't know how to say goodbye, only knows the ache of her absence has left me. My mind jumps through decades of memories of my Mom, my childhood and all the wonderful years we had together. I know eventually the pain will subside but not anytime soon nor should it.

Unicorns carousels

In less than 12 hrs, I'll be in the middle of my Mother's Memorial Service. I have recently did the last photo of MANY for her Memory board.

My mind in many ways still cannot process a life without Mom in it. When it finally does, I'm more depressed than before.

I miss my Mom so much! I love how the few knick knacks that she did have are unicorns, 3 of them are carousels with unicorns. Too sweet, that's my Mom <3

Autopiloting Through Life

Soon to meet with my Aunt Nancy to make my Mom's memory board for tmw's Memorial Service.
I take it 1 hr at a time.  I have periods of normalcy that sometimes dissolves into a hot pile of tears and other times it's a stiffled or doesn't quite reach the service almost cry or I think of it more like a dry cry.
My focus is still shit, can barely sit thru a tv show or movie, with the exception of Star Trek TNG or Voyager. Both Baba and I watch those and we've started to watch Six Feet Under.
I go thru a lot of motions and often to my surprise I finished whatever I've started, didn't even know it.  A lot of "autopiloting" in my life right now.
I also spend vast amounts of time just thinking about and remembering what a great Mom I had.  How sorry I am she's not here, how much I loved her and miss her smiles and voice. I mourn for the future memories that we were cheated of. 

Day 5 of life without Mom

Today is day 5, sleep still mostly rosters eludes me. Waking up is so damn hard. Knowing today is another day without my Mom. And then I can't breathe, the hot tears rolling down and I just lie in bed, what else can I do? You can't go around grief only thru it. I really hate waking up!

Yesterday I changed my profile pic to my Mom and was so pleased how many people told me she's beautiful.  She spent most of my life feeling unattractive. You see my Mom had a very hard life, she had a bad accident before I was born that left her with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and overcame many obstacles was successful in her life. And she was beautiful both on the outside and within.

My Mom loved me to pieces

Someone on a FB grief support group wrote
"Grief is love with no where to go"
Sleep still eludes me most nights. I've been awake since 530am, Baba since 6am. She's gotten more sleep than I but then again she's more than twice my age. I can't imagine being 91 years old and losing my daughter who was 1 day shy of turning 65. Watching my Mom take her last breath has haunted Baba since. She remarked everytime she closes her eyes that's all she sees. Seeing Mom die doesn't haunt me just her being dead and never getting to see her smile again and tell me she still loves me the best does.

I've asked everyone that if they still have parents or caregivers to be sure to hug them and tell them you love them. It is a privilege to be able to do so.

The last few days

The mornings are still really bad for me. It feels like I can't breathe.

I dread going to her apartment to go thru her things.

I can't be alone much and seek solace with my family in real life and my friends via video msgs, texts and emails.

I am insanely jealous of people who's Moms are still here and I hope they know not to take their mothers for granted.

I don't even want to feel better,  in doing so, it makes me feel like I would be trivializing the impact and the large hole in my heart, in my world.

Fire and Rain

There's a song by James Taylor called Fire and Rain

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"

Baba mentioned this song to me a few times since Mom passed and it brings tears to my eyes.

The grief and devastation comes in waves. I don't how to live without my kind, sweet Mother here. The joy in my life is gone for now and I doubt it will be back anytime soon.

Today my mother's obituary will show up in the paper. My Mom is dead, this isn't just some horrible dream that I can rouse myself awake. This is far worst,  this is my new reality. My sunshine is gone.

Humpty Dumpty

Death has a way of making everything much more clear. I know what's important and what's bullshit and I don't have time for the latter.
Losing my Mother 2 days ago has left me devastated. We still had so much left to say, do and look forward to. It's agony at times to be awake. Yet sleep eludes me,  the one thing that helps me escape the pain and I'm struggling as always with sleep.
No good comes from losing a parent you loved so much,  especially when they're one of your most favorite people in the whole wide world.
Baba helped me write Mom's obituary yesterday, what a horrid thing to have to do!
I loved my Mom so much, I loved her more than the moon and stars, I loved her from near and far. She was my Mom and I miss her terribly. I feel like Humpty Dumpty today

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Popularity is overrated

In the last 6 months to 1 year I've learned who my TRUE friends are. And sadly some I thought were my real friends were really just users or negative vampires or attention whores. I feel despondent that loyalty counts for nothing these days. That some people are perfectly content to take and take and take.  There must be a reasonable balance when it comes to friendships. I'm just not seeing that much lately.
I know I've changed a lot in terms of being less of a people pleaser and more about standing up for myself. And perhaps that makes me less popular than before.  But that's okay. Popularity is overrated.
Out with the old and on with the new as they say...

Work does my soul good

Work was great today,  I love my job I'm exhausted but it's the good kind. That is all.

Dealing with the U Bend of Life

Its a known fact I am a HSP. a highly sensitive person. I react to other people's energy and internalize it as somehow it being my fault when that person who I like or care about is unhappy. I have this innate drive to make others happy and I totally end up making myself unhappy.

Now toss in the U Bend of Life that shows people are most unhappiest in their 40s to mid 50s and I clearly am on par with my peers.

So yesterday when we woke up, now that I look back there were signs the day wasn't going to be a good one but me being me, I can shrug off minor things and enjoy my day. My sweetie however cannot. When something bothers him like so many of the guys I know, they get consumed by it. My one ex was so miserable all the time, it made me miserable and act out in ways that I am still ashamed of today. It is a relief that even though yesterday wasn't one for the books for my sweetie and I am no where as bad off as I was 7 years ago.

I am really glad I have work tomorrow, my job is such a sense of satisfaction and it keeps me content on days like today or for the last few weeks since Feb 15th! In some ways I feel guilty that my personal life is somehow affecting my professional life but it really isn't. Just screwy thinking that I am working on reprogramming my thinking process on that!

Actually my life has pretty much sucked non stop since after Thanksgiving with my cat dying and I was finally coming out of that haze to have the set back of the car accident and the robbery so in a sense 4 months of a crappy existent. With small moments of happiness here and there. Like my last visit before Feb 15th was such a good one. And being with Mama Racoon and her son or spending time with Blondie and her gang. My family and friends have been wonderful to me. My sweetie too, he really came through for me when Bastard Kitty died.

I don't want my blog to be all doom and gloom there are some good things happening for me.

For one, since Baba is 90 now and doesn't drive anymore she gave me her old car. That means the money I got for the car I wrecked is in my savings account and I could actually if I keep at it with the money that's already there maybe in a few years be able to put a down payment on a house or condo or the likes. Not co-ops though! But anyways eventually I want a place to call my own. I just don't want to live alone that's all. I have decided that for me and my well being living alone isn't good for someone like me and having a history of depression. I feel better when I have people around. Anyways that's not the point the point is, I actually have a feasible shot at having a home of my own.

And secondly I am orchestrating a workshop for my colleagues and am joining a faculty professional development training that I am excited about. Professionally my life is really looking up. I am grateful for that.

Thirdly I will see my friends in the South this July. Granted I should be flying home today from my spring break there but its just a postponement not a cancellation. I just wish I had more enthusiasm for it then I do. Its not the friends its ME.

Blah blah blah

Lately life has thrown me one too many curve balls ugh. My beloved cat Tom died the day before New Year's Eve. Then last Sunday night my apartment robbed because of my roommate's carelessness. Then the very next day in less than 12 hrs after being robbed,  I wrecked my car on the way to work. Yippee 2016 is just banging them out,  literally. I'm not sure why I've had such a string of bad luck but here I am,  the star of my very own pity party.
Plus I'm mighty sore from the accident itself.  My poor car! I loved my car.  It's totaled and now I'll get a new one eventually. Feeling really stressed because I had plan to go out of town for spring break but with all this bad mojo I'm reconsidering. I'm not sure if I could enjoy myself if the car situation isn't resolved. I dunno,  but the universe keeps knocking me down.  I still get back up again. Just gotta keep moving forward.
Everyone keeps reminding me that I'm irreplaceable but cars and things can be replaced. Somehow it doesn't really comfort me,  in my mind logically I know they're right but I'm still pissed at myself for destroying my car that I worked hard to take care of.  It was a great little car.
And what the theives stole is just outrageous! They stole,  my TV,  roku, ipad, VP (video phone), Wii, my bedding, towels, pillows,  my weight scale, toilet paper, toilet paper roll holder, my soap,  my soapdish, a decorative bag, my roll of carpet, a cute bat alarm clock, forks, spoons, sharp knives, box of q tips, bath mat and more. I keep discovering new items missing everyday. I'm really ticked because I told my roommate many times not to leave the fucking door unlocked! We live in NYC,  the Bronxs for crying out loud! They've already replaced my TV and roku and will buy a new blanket today. As I've been using their's since all 3 blankets gone!
Yeah not in the best of spirits. I am however grateful the amount I'm getting for the car,  it's more than enough to find a new (used) car that I like and want.
So now that the "bad things happen in threes" it ought to be smooth sailing from here on out.  After all, this is as bad as it can get, no where left to go but up.

A lot of 'splainin to do'

I haven't posted in a while partly because I was hiding from one of my exes who I know follows along. When things were at the worst 2 years ago I contemplated on making this private but I didn't as this blog was never really about him but me. Recently I decided I might as well blog because he will always follow me. How can he not? Human curiosity is a hard thing to suppress. And we were a part of one another lives for about 8 years. Just seems for some reason when we're together we're a toxic combination. Our ideologies were just too vast. However I think our feelings were real and in some ways we did have fun. It just sucks no matter how much you care or love someone else, you can't make a healthy relationship when your point of views were usually at opposing ends. Over the years some of those views have since changed but its too late on both our parts. Its weird having 2 very long term exes out and about in the world.
The other one just had his 6th kid! I must say it is kind of a slap in the face as partly why he broke up with me is he didn't want to get married or have kids. Then he knocks up the very next attentive whore shortly after they started to date and eventually married her and she gave birth to her kid about the same time I am having endometriosis laparoscopy to remove some cysts and severe adhesion disease. Its been a week and a half and the recovery at times brutal! I was very distressed to learn that I have severe endometriosis and I am NOT interested in hormone therapy/medications as a way to control the pain associated with this. But that's a post for another day, back to the issue of kids....
I knew I never wanted kids with the 2nd long term ex simply because he wouldn't be a good father and frankly that's okay.
When people ask me if I wanted children or not my answer has always been the same, it really depended on who I was with. I can go either way, be a mom or not. I don't have a pressing burning desire to have kids but I know I would've loved being a mom too. I just also knew if I had kids, I needed to be able to afford them and even now I can't. And to those out there who say, have the kids, the money will turn up are complete and irresponsible assholes who create more taxes for me! Plus I was very disciplined when it came to my relationships and birth control of some kind. I never wanted to get accidentally knocked up no siree! Now that I know I am not going to have kids its sucks knowing the choice has been taken away from me because even if I wanted them, it would be nearly impossible to have them at this point. Not having the choice sent me into a little woe is me mode near the end of last week. Its one thing when I actively made sure I didn't have kids but having been informed it would be impossible to have kids now (the odds were already extremely low) still sort of smarts along with the ex having his 6th kid around the same time as my surgery, sucky timing. In the long run, I am happy for him, he is with a woman who follows him blindly and clearly enjoys being bare footed and preggars. Me I am with someone who already has kids and I just met his 18 year old son recently and it was mind blowing experience for me. Knowing my boyfriend since he was younger than his son and now seeing him in a father role just wow!
And I try to remember that I have been blessed to grow up knowing I had a choice on whether to have kids or not. I had several role models who didn't have kids, my deaf aunt Lee, my neighbor Regina, and even one of my uncle, the one who doesn't like me doesn't have kids. I know people can be happy and content without children as long as you have family and friends.

Pushing forward

It seems lately I can't catch a break when it comes to my body. Several colds, having a period, raging headaches with nausea, the dry heaters aggravate my sinuses, along with insomnia and now my fibro pain is acting up. All the while I'm doing my best to honor my commitments, work, the book, relationships and so forth. But it's hard, especially since I've been feeling sick or uncomfortable for weeks. Even King noticed I wasn't in good shape health wise when she saw me yesterday at the Harlem library. So for now I'm on lockdown to focus on getting well and staying well.